Ways to get over an affair without No Contact

[road]

You give really good advice but its getting old how everyone comes across as if we have already been caught. The only way this will come out is if one of us confesses or we get caught in the act which is very unlikely to happen. We have never been together when either of our spouses were closer than an hour away.. Except in the beginning and we learned fast that was a huge mistake.

 

I am feeling so much guilt. I can't stop thinking about it lately.

 

I want to end the physical affair it's the emotional side I miss so so much and as friends we are all closer than ever.. If I can just see him for what he is.. A total player I can stop myself from obsessing.

I do think though if I grow to hate him how will I keep from trying to expose him to his wife. I don't know. It kills me for her.

 

I feel like its someone else doing it to her.

 

 

Affairs always find a way of coming to light sooner or later. Better sooner then later.

 

It is unfair for you alone to get to decide post affair if you stay married or not. Your BH deserves the same choice. You continuing to lie by omission is not right.

 

you do not respect your BH. Then your actions show that you do not respect yourself. They say you have to respect yourself before you can respect others. Start by being honest and tell your BH.

[carhill]

Ways to get over an affair without No Contact

 

MC worked for me. We processed it out with a psychologist and the feelings, which had existed for many years, dissolved. This apparently didn't set well with the person, as the boundaries changed and I wasn't as 'willing' to go the extra mile for a friend; the dynamic evolved to a more typical, and more equitable, friendship. I'd say that contact lasted for about a year after this change until she cut it off. I was a bit disappointed, but no more so than with any other friend who disappeared. Moved on to other things.

[rae_lana]

He denies he's playing games at all. He says he feels horrible I think that and it's not what he's trying to do.

He said this is the first time he's had feelings like this and since neither of us are ready to leave our marriages he is trying to cool down his feelings. He said that its out of sight of mind for him. He thinks about it all the time (he says) I have no idea. I'm much more able to stay focused on life when we are not texting daily so I know what he means.

 

It makes sense except he should be telling me that before he goes silent. Not when I ask. And he should not ignore me ..

 

I really don't know what to think. I just wish we had never crossed the line.

 

People here suggest AP's go no contact or low contact all the time often without warning their AP.. Could that be what he's attempting when he goes silent then comes back? Low contact? He always comes back.

 

The pattern hurts. It's painful.

[Feb]

He denies he's playing games at all. He says he feels horrible I think that and it's not what he's trying to do.

He said this is the first time he's had feelings like this and since neither of us are ready to leave our marriages he is trying to cool down his feelings. He said that its out of sight of mind for him. He thinks about it all the time (he says) I have no idea. I'm much more able to stay focused on life when we are not texting daily so I know what he means.

 

It makes sense except he should be telling me that before he goes silent. Not when I ask. And he should not ignore me ..

 

I really don't know what to think. I just wish we had never crossed the line.

 

People here suggest AP's go no contact or low contact all the time often without warning their AP.. Could that be what he's attempting when he goes silent then comes back? Low contact? He always comes back.

 

The pattern hurts. It's painful.

 

He is probably not intentionally playing games. He is just going with his gut feelings and acting on them (that's how A's get started in the first place) without any regard to your feelings. It sounds like he wants to end the relationship with you, but once in a while he needs an ego feed or some sex, and he contacts you again. You tell him this hot/cold pattern hurts you, but he still keeps doing it anyway, because his feelings are always more important than yours.

 

 

You need to formally state that you will not be replying to him anymore and that you will block him. Tell him it's over.

[rae_lana]

He is probably not intentionally playing games. He is just going with his gut feelings and acting on them (that's how A's get started in the first place) without any regard to your feelings. It sounds like he wants to end the relationship with you, but once in a while he needs an ego feed or some sex, and he contacts you again. You tell him this hot/cold pattern hurts you, but he still keeps doing it anyway, because his feelings are always more important than yours.

 

 

You need to formally state that you will not be replying to him anymore and that you will block him. Tell him it's over.

 

That's what he wants.. Sex and an ego boost. I think that's what I wanted at the start too, we both said that at the time.

 

But now there is so much more too it.

 

He says we can keep being friends in the group but we should try to keep calm in between.. He wants to 'space it out' but not stop 'having fun' because he doesn't want it to end.

 

 

 

His words.

 

It would so much easier for me to move on if he wanted to end it. Just say.. This was fun but its over.

 

How many have heard this same line.. "You mean so much to me, if I had met you years ago we would be so happy. If we can't be together let's just have fun.. Our babies would have been beautiful."

 

What!!?

Edited September 9, 2013 by rae_lana

[rae_lana]

I realize I CAN go no contact with this couple, however if I did everyone would know why.

 

His wife has texted and called me several times already today. And my husband arranged for us to meet them for dinner.. It's just constant.

[KentuckyGent]

 

It would so much easier for me to move on if he wanted to end it. Just say.. This was fun but its over.

 

How many have heard this same line.. "You mean so much to me, if I had met you years ago we would be so happy. If we can't be together let's just have fun.. Our babies would have been beautiful."

 

What!!?

 

 

Grrrr! Yep have heard it all, almost verbatim.

[Feb]

How many have heard this same line.. "You mean so much to me, if I had met you years ago we would be so happy. If we can't be together let's just have fun.. Our babies would have been beautiful."

 

What!!?

 

Oh, that line is in the top three AP lines. I think you are actually required to say it in order to be in a proper affair. The same lines are used over and over. I hope one of these AP's gets a little creative one day and comes up with a new set of lines.

[rae_lana]

Oh, that line is in the top three AP lines. I think you are actually required to say it in order to be in a proper affair. The same lines are used over and over. I hope one of these AP's gets a little creative one day and comes up with a new set of lines.

 

He's used so many lines on me I've seen here

We are friends.. I know he's not lying about his home situation or what he does daily because I see him daily and hear confirmation from his wife about his home life.. She actually makes it out to be much worse than he does.

 

He is very very likely still texting other women. I know that. But other than that I don't think he's hiding anything from me.

 

I'm letting him use me. I'm almost happy to let him use me. I'm not sure what's going on in my head. I want it to be over but I don't want to be the one to end it. I don't contact him but I reply every time hr contacts me. I love him and I wish I didn't.

[rae_lana]

The reason why everyone keeps approaching this as if you've already been caught is that at some point, accidentally, you probably will be. I'm just telling you the truth. It's almost comical how accidentally some affairs get discovered. There is no amount of planning or calculation that can stop a pure chance occurrence. Most affairs are discovered, so it's not being smart to think yours will go against those odds. It may even be years later after uits ended, but the truth always comes out eventually.

 

That being said, even in the meantime while the BSs don't know about the affair...it is still destroying YOU on the inside like a cancer. You are being tormented by your feelings of uncertainty and it will continue to gnaw away at you until you do what you know in your heart is right. Sometimes relationships NEED to end, and that is o.k. I think you want to hold on even though you know to do so will really mess you up. If you haven't already started having physical symptoms like a knot in your stomach that won't go away, or full blown panic and anxiety attacks, just keep ignoring your conscience because they will materialize. You have to do what you know you neeed to do in order to stop hurting yourself. When you do that, you'll be in a better place to stop hurting others as well.

 

I had a stomach ache that lasted all week .. My husband thought I was really sick, I honestly knew it was just from thinking and stewing in my head about this.

 

And yes. 4 full blown anxiety attacks that seemed to come out of the blue, two of which were when all four of us were together .. All in one week.

[KentuckyGent]

I don't contact him but I reply every time hr contacts me.

 

That's me at this point too. I'm resolved that if she does call again, to ignore it. I've failed the hundreds of times before this though.

[carhill]

And yes. 4 full blown anxiety attacks that seemed to come out of the blue, two of which were when all four of us were together .. All in one week.

 

This was one area where the psychological help worked wonders. I recall three similar incidences, one early on and one after about eight months of MC and one after MC had finished. The first dinner was a bit strained, though it was a good dinner. A few months later, they had dinner at our house. Better, but not completely comfortable. The last one, at a restaurant, was after I'd given the now friend and her boyfriend one of our timeshares in Hawaii to use and we spent most of the evening with them talking about the Big Isand and us talking about Kauai an swapping stories. Great time, for me anyway. I had processed everything out by then and exW was happy because I was looking for a house for her.

 

Seriously, if you haven't tried quality psychological help, give it a try. We had it for 14 months I was skeptical and the psychologist and I had some epic debates.

 

You're in charge of you. Life happens. Yes, you always have choices. Personally, I wouldn't go through it again and 'be friends'. Life's too short. You're in it. Do what works for you. Good luck.

[rae_lana]

This was one area where the psychological help worked wonders. I recall three similar incidences, one early on and one after about eight months of MC and one after MC had finished. The first dinner was a bit strained, though it was a good dinner. A few months later, they had dinner at our house. Better, but not completely comfortable. The last one, at a restaurant, was after I'd given the now friend and her boyfriend one of our timeshares in Hawaii to use and we spent most of the evening with them talking about the Big Isand and us talking about Kauai an swapping stories. Great time, for me anyway. I had processed everything out by then and exW was happy because I was looking for a house for her.

 

Seriously, if you haven't tried quality psychological help, give it a try. We had it for 14 months I was skeptical and the psychologist and I had some epic debates.

 

You're in charge of you. Life happens. Yes, you always have choices. Personally, I wouldn't go through it again and 'be friends'. Life's too short. You're in it. Do what works for you. Good luck.

 

I'll have to read more of your posts!

Your situation was similar to mine? You guys didn't get caught, and you stayed friends?

 

My husband does not want to do MC but I think of I go to IC he will agree to after a few months.. I'm hoping.

[Owl]

I realize I CAN go no contact with this couple, however if I did everyone would know why.

 

His wife has texted and called me several times already today. And my husband arranged for us to meet them for dinner.. It's just constant.

 

And THIS is precisely, exactly why you need to tell your H.

 

How horribly unfair it is to him that he's doing this...thinking he's doing the right thing...and yet setting the stage for the whole thing to continue.

 

Imagine for a moment how you would feel if you were in his shoes...and were in effect setting up dates for him and another woman? Would you rather have been TOLD that this was going on, so that you could decide whether or not to continue in this vein? Or do you truly believe that he'd rather not know???

 

I know you're wanting the magic blue pill that solves all your problems painlessly.

 

Newsflash...you're not 10 anymore, and mommy & daddy can't block the world out of your life anymore. You're a big girl, making big girl choices with real world consequences, not just for yourself, but for those in your life as well.

 

Pull up your big girl britches and start doing the right thing.

[shortee]

It seems like you care more about the OM than your H. If you love your husband at all, you will go NC. Because you are treating the OM better than your H. Let's see...you won't lie to OM, but you have no problem lying to your husband is proof of that. And why would you want to be with a married man who plays games with you? Do you not respect yourself? You need a therapist for yourself to figure out why you care more about a man who is not nice to you than your husband.

[aliveagain]

Can you imagine having to explain to your husband and immediate family one day that you only continued the affair so that your husband wouldn't suspect? Do you know how irrational that logic is, how in the fog that thinking is? It's as if you'll do anything to justify keeping your contact with him.

[The Way I Am]

Sorry if I'm not totally caught up here. But I thought OM and his W were planning on moving away. What happened to that? And if he changed his mind, how did the sudden shifting change in plans not set off alarm bells with his wife?

 

Furthermore, how can you be sure his wife is no longer suspicious of his interest in you? If she'd gotten increasingly suspicious to the point where she doesn't trust you, do you think she'd let you in on that? If her suspicions have grown, you're the last person she would confide in.

 

Personally, I think she was fishing for your reaction when she told you about her H's crush and she's probably already onto you. I wouldn't be all that surprised if the frequent scheduling she and your H are doing is an attempt by one or both of them to see if you and OM out yourselves.

 

That aside, the one thing I keep wondering is why you want to stay with your husband. You don't seem to love him. You seem to care more about the OM. You mentioned as a reason you stay that you help take care of some children related to your H. You're not doing those children any favors by having them be in an environment of lies and betrayal. So other than the kids, why are you staying?

[rae_lana]

Sorry if I'm not totally caught up here. But I thought OM and his W were planning on moving away. What happened to that? And if he changed his mind, how did the sudden shifting change in plans not set off alarm bells with his wife?

 

Furthermore, how can you be sure his wife is no longer suspicious of his interest in you? If she'd gotten increasingly suspicious to the point where she doesn't trust you, do you think she'd let you in on that? If her suspicions have grown, you're the last person she would confide in.

 

Personally, I think she was fishing for your reaction when she told you about her H's crush and she's probably already onto you. I wouldn't be all that surprised if the frequent scheduling she and your H are doing is an attempt by one or both of them to see if you and OM out yourselves.

 

That aside, the one thing I keep wondering is why you want to stay with your husband. You don't seem to love him. You seem to care more about the OM. You mentioned as a reason you stay that you help take care of some children related to your H. You're not doing those children any favors by having them be in an environment of lies and betrayal. So other than the kids, why are you staying?[

 

She did find it strange yes. He said he was job hunting but changed his mind. Things have been really off since then.

I don't know it he said it just to play games with me, if he really thought it was what would be best.. I've thought maybe it was his way of telling me we wouldn't last forever even though I already knew that.

 

Why do I stay with my husband? Simplest answer is I love him. We have a lot of history together, I have no family at all, except him and his parents siblings grandparents cousins .. They are my only family I haven't seen or talked to mine since I was 17. My husband is very jealous and possessive he's told me before that he wouldn't be able to see me again even as friends if we broke up. I want to think that's untrue but I believe him. Especially because his kids are not mind biologically. I've raised them for ten years. There is a lot more to divorce than just breaking up a marriage. I would lose my entire family. That's why I stay.

 

My husband makes me laugh, he tells me I'm beautiful, he protects me. He takes care of me. But he thinks I'm messed up, I'm always being taught lessons on how I can be better. The stuff I like is childish or dirty and I have major issues. All things he's told me for years. I just found someone that made me feel accepted for all the things my husband hates and so with both of them I felt more complete.

 

Cake eater. I know.

[The Way I Am]

Lana, another option for you just came to me for how to avoid spending time with this couple. It meets your qualifications of not confessing to the affair. Tell your husband you've been unhappy and ask him to work on the relationship with you. Then start getting books on relationships, reading them together, and doing exercises in them. Tell your H and your "friend" that you want to cut out time with other people as much as possible to focus just on each other. Also, have a bunch of different activities in mind that you can use as an excuse when the OM and your "friend" want to get together. "It would be great to see you two, but I really wanted to go kayaking and spend some alone time with just the two of us. Maybe some other time."

 

Personally, I'd choose telling the truth, but it's your choice. I don't think you want real options though, and you're not going to do anything anybody suggests. I don't think you really want to end the affair. Sure, there are moments when you feel bad and do want it to end, but then he throws a bone your way and you're caught up in it all again. You don't have the willpower to end it on your own. Coming clean in one of those moments where you actually feel bad about it is really the only way you're going to get the motivation to actually end the affair.

[rae_lana]

Lana, another option for you just came to me for how to avoid spending time with this couple. It meets your qualifications of not confessing to the affair. Tell your husband you've been unhappy and ask him to work on the relationship with you. Then start getting books on relationships, reading them together, and doing exercises in them. Tell your H and your "friend" that you want to cut out time with other people as much as possible to focus just on each other. Also, have a bunch of different activities in mind that you can use as an excuse when the OM and your "friend" want to get together. "It would be great to see you two, but I really wanted to go kayaking and spend some alone time with just the two of us. Maybe some other time."

 

Personally, I'd choose telling the truth, but it's your choice. I don't think you want real options though, and you're not going to do anything anybody suggests. I don't think you really want to end the affair. Sure, there are moments when you feel bad and do want it to end, but then he throws a bone your way and you're caught up in it all again. You don't have the willpower to end it on your own. Coming clean in one of those moments where you actually feel bad about it is really the only way you're going to get the motivation to actually end the affair.

 

That's very good advice. But I think your right and I don't really want it to end. I don't think it will end unless he ends it.

 

I have told myself it has to end for months now.

[Lillyfree]

That's very good advice. But I think your right and I don't really want it to end. I don't think it will end unless he ends it.

 

 

why give someone, anyone, so much power over your life?

 

i'm not sure what it is you want, but my impression is that you'd like things to keep going as they are, just without guilt and anxiety.