confusion snowballing

[smile]

So something weird kinda happened. Just as I was begining to be ok with being his friend and I was proud of the way I dealt finding out about his gf.. just as I was so proud of being able to give him advice selflessly... just as it was starting to work this all into something I understood he called me at 3am.

 

Apparently she broke up with him. I feel weird writing about this here but I mean you guys know everything else.. why not this? He called me. I am not sure why. No wait I know why ... no matter what, he knows that I am always here for him. So I was there.

 

I even joked about how fortunate he was that I had just gone through a breakup myself so I was kind of an expert. He asked if I felt like he deserved it because of what he did to me. I did not feel that way. I do not feel that way. I dont want him to be hurt or sad. Being a true friend means being there even when its tough for me.. right?

 

So I mean I was wondering how he could be so open and honest with me ...emotionally raw and divulging things he never felt he could say to me.. and still be that open with her? How could he want me so bad sexually ... only over the phone and on the internet, just as accessible as she was.... and still have that passion for her? I think she felt that too. How could a girl not feel that way?

 

I do feel badly. I want to be his friend. I dont want this to turn into a failed attempt at making him feel better by rushing back into "us" then he realizes I am not what he wants.

 

He did say he wanted to come over that night... but he didnt. And we both knew that was best. He did say he would come over sometime.. I dont know if he will.

 

Here is how I see it. I think he used her as justification for not being with me. Not that he wanted me back but maybe in his head she was the wedge between us... He could have all the desire for me in the world but he had a gf. Now that she is gone... he may be thinking what does that mean? I am sure there is mass confusion in his head right now. Plus the blow of being left.

 

So he hasnt contacted me since that night... that was two days ago. I txted him today... hope youre having a good day... but he never responded.

 

I dont want to overstep my boundaries. Do I call and ask how he is, or does that seem vulture-y? Do I leave him alone or does that seem cold? Ugh I have no idea.

 

Am I way off in the way I see this? I dont think he want me back... I think he is wrestling with "I broke up with HER ... why am I missing her" and "why did I get dumped" and "do I really want either of them back?" Too much I know. I just want him to know I am here.. always.. I guess he knows because he called ME. *sigh* the neverending confusion... welcome to my world!

[UnicornGirl]

I say leave him alone right now. If you keep asking him if he's okay, it may backfire big time. Just trust that he's able to figure stuff out on his own, and wait for him to come back for right now at least.

[smile]

Thanks. I did forget to mention that she broke up with him because basically he was emotionally unavailable. So when he asked me if I thought he was hard to get to know and if he was emotionally shut off I thought.. no way! But thats what got me thinking about the part of him wanting me and being so honest with me lately...I was getting the intimacy in his relationship...

 

Man I just wish I could sleep. I am worried about him... because thats what i do, I worry. He went into such a spiral before when he left me... what is going to happen now? Someone please agree with me that its good he called to talk to me .. I mean it meant a lot that our friendship is still there. That I am the one he knows he can call at 3am. Thats not doormat-y right? If I was a doormat I wouldve gone over there right then right?

 

Acckkk this situation gets me nuttier everyday. But when I step back I just have to remember I didnt cause any of this.... it is happening around me.. i didnt cause it and i cant control it.. live my life and go along for the ride... yeah?

 

Tell my tummy that... as it does sommersaults and kamikaze dive bombs. I need a vacation.

[smile]

Someone explain this to me... he wanted me when he was with her.. kept telling me how complicated everything was and how he never meant to meet her and date her... he didnt intend to move on... THEN the night she breaks up with him he wants me... calls me wants to come over ect...

 

AND TODAY... nothing.. wont answer the one "hope you are having a good day" txt. Its been three days and I am wondering what he is thinking.

 

AAARRRRGGGHHHH.!!!! As an exgf I am angry that he doesn't seem to appreciate how hard I am working to be friendly and not throwing it in his face or screaming or judging or saying i told you so... As a friend I am angry that he doesn't seem to appreciate that I answered my phone at 3am and stayed on the phone with him for an hour. Practically falling asleep as we were talking.......

 

Someone please help!

[lostNconfusedx10]

just give him some time. He got dumped and was emotionally hurt. he needed an emotional connection that was just cut off from him and he found it in you. That prolly eased his mind for the night and was enough to help him fall asleep that night. He prolly woke up the next day and either felt kinda embarassed that he gushed out to you or he is hurt and hiding his feelings. We guys are funny. There is a thresh hold of emotional hurt that we can bear and keep to ourselves and then sometimes theres an overflow and we need to vent, Then our stupid male pride comes back into effect and we try to be strong and make pretend that everything is ok when its not.

 

Either way i see it as a good sign that he called you up that night to talk things out which means that he still really cares for you and is attached to you. Just give him the time he needs for his hurt ego to heal and he'll contact you again.

[smile]

thanks for the reply. i am trying to give him time. he called back thurs night. i was catching the flu so i was pretty groggy. we chatted for a bit.. small talk and what not... but i had to sleep.. i couldnt stay awake. i called him back friday afternoon. but he didnt answer.

 

i left a nice msg on his machine...but i havent heard back from him. i know its only sat night... i am just worried i guess. plus i have the flu so i am here all weepy and alone.

 

it just sucks because today it feels like he just left me ya know? I mean yeh there was a girl in between but it doesnt seem that way.

 

i am not sure if seeing him and being his friend is better than not seeing him and staying away. so far both have been equally painful. i just cant shake the feeling of being in love with him. and the phone calls are the same as before. without the "i love you"... but the rest is so natural and easy. why?

 

I dunno I would be ok if he came over and we just played scrabble. i miss him.. last week when he came over and we hung out and talked i was so happy. we never kissed or cuddled or even talked dirty.. it was just us... we talked for hours.. and even after 5 hours of talking he was so reluctant to go...

 

WHY ARE THERE SO MANY CONTRADICTORY SIGNS TO READ????? today i am sad... and

 

p.s.

does it mean something good

that he called me three days later

just to chat and catch up? he had been

out of town... called me from there.

[pancakepalace]

You need to take control of yourself is you hope to get him back. Challenge him a bit. That thing of him wanting you back the night he broke with his girl means nothing. He wast hurt and not himself. You don't want him back from a rebound. You want him back for real. It is very important that the second chance be genuine in my opinion and not stressed. It seems to me you are both not ready for a fresh start. You need to take care of your emotions and he needs to take care of his so you can start fresh - clean slate. In my opinion if you want a real second try you need to take some time and maybye lots of it. I would suggest a period of NC or semi-NC for about two to three months to clear things up. Then things will get more real.

[smile]

well last night he called. he was sad that i didnt go to his show... i had no idea he had a show. We talked for an hour or so. Then suddenly he said... "i am in your parking lot"

 

Ugh he asked me not to be angry with him. He said he didnt regret anything about our relationship. He said he was still getting over so much.. not over us yet. So I am thinking how lame to not be over me yet and be dealing with that when he should be getting over his heartbreak.

 

Ah well we decided that he could come up.. my roomate and some friends were here. He fell asleep on the couch.. as he used to. But as we were interacting I was noticing something. He isnt my guy. He isnt the guy I miss.. at least he wasnt last night.

 

I saw, for the first time in a while, the stuff I didnt miss about him. Everyone left and my roomate went to bed. I sat there for a while thinking .. what should I do? After about 10 minutes I decided to wake him up.. he came into my room and he just rolled over towards me and cuddled with me. Yes and one thing led to an other......

 

He is in a transition. And while sometimes it seems as if he is looking at me from behind some wall afraid and wanting me to see him and tell him to shape up... sometimes it seems as if he is so defiant that no matter what I would say he would rebel.

 

This morning he kept saying that he had to go and he wasnt getting up or moving. He had to work so he just kept saying.. this is the first time I have wanted to sleep in a long time.. I just want to sleep in here. After some time he got up and I made some coffee. He seemed so reluctant to go but I have no idea what that means.

 

Is it natural for me to feel more detatched after a night of being together? Is this growth? Dont get me wrong some of it was great... I mean wow great... but when we were finished I didnt want to cuddle or kiss or anything. This morning when he was all reluctant to leave I didnt care if he stayed or not.... I mean I cared but not like this deep needy care.

 

*SIGH* Did I make a mistake? It seems like it was ok... but I dont know. Funny now I dont know what I want.

[pancakepalace]

You will never get real answers if you keep this up with him. He needs to have a clear head before you can work on anything real. I don't think you should have slept with him. Also, I don't like the way he showed up at your place telling you he was in the parking lot. This seems needy. He has to be stronger.

 

NC I tell you.

[smile]

I never really agreed with that before. But now everything just seems so circular... you know like a broken record. He broke up with me but he has never really been without me. I have always been here... in every way I was before... and sometimes even more than I was before.

 

Deep down inside I love him... my future doesn't seem right without him. But right now I don't feel like we need to be together. And its not agonizing its freeing.

 

I guess I am just afraid of going too far or being gone too long. I guess I have a lot to work out in my head. Thank you for being honest with me ... sometimes it is so easy to get lost in the "he is here and he wants me" that I cant see the forest for the trees.

 

I never understood how this following statement could be true but I know it is because its how I feel :

 

I do love him. I just don't think I want him right now.

[head/heels]

i guess since i hear you saying that you finally understand the whole thing of "i love you just not right now" i think i get it too....i just never heard anyone say it that wasnt full of BS.

 

you sound pretty serious

 

how would you say this if he started to date someone else within the next few weeks...

 

would you be unhappy and ready to love him again?

 

if not, i think you should tell him that you and he should not try again so soon and that you need to be alone for the sake of you and that he should take this time to heal....

 

NC, would really be ideal since you need to worry about you!

[smile]

thats part of the problem. he has a hard time being alone. right after we broke up we started hanging out and sleeping together and i thought it was us on our way back. but when i asked he freaked out. a week later he says he met someone and decided to go with it.

 

he dates her and i keep my distance... he starts calling me and telling me how much he misses me. how he never meant to meet her and its so complicated. he kept telling me how we had so much in common and he knows he wont ever find anyone like me again. aarrgghh so much ya know..

 

she breaks up with him and here we are ... so if i stay away and he finds someone else i wont be surprised. i would rather have it happen after i walk away than having me stick around until he finds something better.

 

i have no idea why he is so bound and determined that we cant work. he seems so tortured by it too. i dont know. i would like to talk to him about it but who knows when i am going to get straight answers.

 

i dont want him to be with other girls but thats his nature. maybe i could see other guys too. i love him i do. i just dont want to play these games. i dont want to hate him. i dont want him to hurt me. i think he is too mixed up to know what he wants. somewhere inside he wants me ... over the last four months of us being apart he has come back everytime i "set him free" as the saying goes.

 

He wants me but until he is willing to succomb to it then there isnt much i can do.the bottom line is i love him and that doesnt change.

[smile]

sooo the concensus here seems to be nc... he must know it too because two days later and he hasnt called me. its ok tho i mean i am glad he hasnt called and i am not sure what we would say anyway. ugh

 

but here is my question. how do i do this nc thing and what time frame are we looking at here? i mean we have tried and failed so many times here ... how do i keep it up.. what is no contact... is it once in a while phone IM but no in person? is it nothing? do i tell him? do i say hey you ve had an other gf since me and you still say your dealing with us breaking up..maybe we need to be apart for you to deal? or do i say ... hey i think we both still have strong desires for eachother that makes our friendship problematic.... maybe we need to take some time to work it out on our own.... ? do i give him a time frame... meet me at 2:30pm on Dec 27th at the hot dog place and we will talk?

 

i dont want him to feel rejected by me who said i would always be here... i know he said the same and he isnt but he went off the deep end... oh yeh and i forgot to mention .. when he wigged out he used to say he had an "epiphany" he saw the world clearer and he just knew we wouldnt work... but saturday night he called that the night he "went crazy"....

 

i think there is a part of him that wants his life back...maybe he sees me as the main component of that ... maybe thats why he is so confused... he isnt sure why he wants me... i have no idea.. i have to get ready for work... BAAAAHHHHHHH

[smile]

I have one more thing to say.. I am worried about him. About his well being about how he is dealing. I want to just kidnap him. Its like when he is here he looks so clear and happy... when he leaves he always has a smile on his face.. but when he came over the other night he was bad. He looked bad and sounded so sad. Even my roomate noticed it..

 

When he sat on the couch he slumped down and kept his head down. I am worried because he is troubled.. he admits it.. he used to say he was confused but happy. sometimes he would say his life was crap. his friend whom he tried to take care of who was doing drugs he now talks nonchalantly about her offering him cocaine. i worry that he is telling me these things to see what i do... i know even if i said "no stop come back i will take care of you" that he would just get mad and go away.

 

is it ok for me to tell him how concerned i am? let him know that i want to be in his life somehow but right now we need distance... tell him i believe in him and that he can get through this time of confusion in his life? i want him to know that no matter what relationship we have i cant imagine him NOT in my life. he has to be there.. even if we are friends... and we need time to get there.. to transition... crisis creates action and us not talking may force us to get over eachother.. or not.. or at least to decide what we want from eachother...

 

is it ok to say i am worried? or do i just go away and ditch him....

 

he holds onto me because i am the best friend he has ever had.. the most true and loyal... that makes me sad but almost everyone else in his life is more worried about them than about him..they want him to be good time charlie and they dont want him to be a downer. he is a deep person with deep emotions and he needs to deal with so much.... he was dealing when we were together... then he just snapped and ran away from everything.. i just want him to be safe and ok... i care about him so much.

 

i know i cant save him.. but when youre struggling doesnt it mean a lot that someone sees and cares? i dont want to fix him.. i just want him to know that someone cares... that he is worth so much more than what he is doing.

 

*sigh*

[pancakepalace]

Hi smile,

 

Here is my suggestions on how you should go about NC.

 

But, first you need to understand what NC will do for you both. You are now both in a relationship rut and things are going around in circles without being fixed. NC will stop this and prepare you to have a clean relationship between you two. It will permit you to start from scratch. You both will have a different mind set after this. Maybye you'll want to be back together, maybye you'll want to be just friends and maybye you'll want to stop contact all together. Anyway, you'll know what you want and will be able to make a good plan on how to get it.

 

As for starting NC I think you should tell him that you are doing it. You don't necessarily have to tell him you care, he already knows this - but you can. I would say something along these lines. 'I really care about you, but things are messy between us at this moment. This doesn't permit me to take care of you and myself the way I really should. I want to be there for you and help you in all your projects, but first I must take care of myself to be ready to do this. I think we should stop all communication at this moment so I can do this. It will be for the better. I will contact you when I feel better and am ready.'

 

You should not talk about other girls at this moment. It should only be about you two. I would say this in person, or, if this is really to hard, over the phone. If you say it in person, be strong and don't start to cry. Be polite and honest and cool about it. You don't want to give him hopes either way. This is a time of reflection for you both and the outcome cannot be planned in either way.

 

Do not set-up a time frame. This is useless, because you don't know how you will feel in that time. You need to do NC until you are completely sane and over him. Only at this time can you make a fresh start together. If you don't NC long enough and aren't really ready when you contact, all this will be wasted in a sense.

 

NC should be total no-contact.

 

Be brave. Remember this is for the better. I know you care about him, but you can't take care of him right now. It is useless to try. You need to be in a good mind-frame to be able to help him. Anyhow, you are not is psychiatrist.

 

Good luck! and tell me what you think and how things go.

pel

[smile]

I am just so sad. I am sorry that I wasn't strong enough to stay away. We shouldn't have slept together and i am sorry I let it happen...he is not in a place for that. I let my personal desires take priority over what he needed. I know he did too but I am not him I am me.. I can control me and I am sad that I did that.

 

I am sad that I think I need to go away because I promised I would never leave. Throughout everything I swore I would always be here... and now I have to walk away... after I already screwed up.....

 

We broke up because I was going through a huge depression and I refused to get help. Now he needs help and I bail? Even when we broke up.. he was still here for me emotionally. How can I just walk away like that?

 

I feel like such a jerk... I am so sorry for so much..

 

I see your point, I do... here is a question I have about that ... why when i am ready? its also about him.. what if he isnt ready when i am ?

 

what if he hates me for this? what if he feels betrayed and spirals even more?

 

why did he call me so much for so long and now after we slept together its been three days and nothing? He asked me not to be weird and I wasnt. He said he wanted us to be friends... I was ok.. he was happy when he left ..he didnt want to go. he hugged me and gave me that sweet smile he used to. He wanted to be friends and now he isnt talking?

 

Did he do all this honesty and friend stuff just to have sex with me one more time? I mean ok I should be flattered that I am THAT good that he has been pining over screwing me for FOUR MONTHS... but he asked me not to be weird. When we woke up I didnt hang out in bed with him too long.. when we slept together he is the one who spooned with me and wrapped his arms around me when we slept. In the morning he is the one who laid there and looked at me for the longest time.. he is the one who stopped everything as it was going on and held my face and kissed me for a long time...he is the one who lingered and said he didnt want to go.. he is the one who walked over and hugged me goodbye.. I gave him a half hug...he was the one who said he would call.. I said ok see ya ... he is the one who watched me at the door the whole time he walked down the stairs... i felt weird closing the door because he kept looking at me...

 

so why is he the one acting weird?

 

i get it this is why we need space.. but ok why is he acting weird? this is what he said he wanted... initially he didnt want me at all... then as a friend then as a confidant then for sex and now.. umm nothing?

[pancakepalace]

He is acting weird because you guys are in a strange and undefined situation. This is normal.

 

Do NC until you are really ready. Stop feeling bad about the past. Of course this is also about him, but until you are ready, you mustn't care if he is. When you feel better give him a call and see how he feels. If he needs more time then, continue NC. You both have to be ready.

 

Don't worry about having to be there for him. You aren't in a state for that anyhow and will only harm the relationship. Get help to feel better while doing NC.

 

The past is vapour now. Forget about having sex with him, etc... This is the past.

 

Good luck.

[smile]

I guess this is my anger talking.. I mean I have basically done whatever he asks and when I do it he doesnt want it anymore. I am angry because he seems to still be holding things against me that are over. He talks about the way I was in the last year of our relationship as if I wasn't sick. I have since been seeing a therapist and learning how to cope with everything. Its like all the progress I have made in therapy in these last few months is basically nullified by his still holding me accountable for being overly emotional and unreasonable when we were together.

 

I am trying to prove to him I am seeing the world differently.. that I am stronger and clearer minded. The insecure clingy girl I turned into is not who I am ... he knows that, he knew that the whole time. But now it just seems like he is holding that between us. He says we are so similar we are so great together , we had great times and he doesnt regret anything about our relationship. I am his best friend, his confidant, the girl he is most physically attracted to, and he doesnt want to be with me because he is afraid it will be the same as it was.

 

I am mad because I can do no more to prove it .. he has to choose to trust me and believe me. It hurts that he doesn't.

 

So basically at this point if he does call me I dont want to answer. Is that the bad way to initiate nc? I am angry. Thats a stage I had to get to and I am here. I am not wimpering and sad I am angry. I worry about him because I know how he deals with bad stuff but he has to learn how to stuggle without me. Maybe when I am not there to hold him up emotionally he can begin to accept how strong I have become.

 

I don't want to blow up at him, but right now I might. I want to yell at him for throwing so much away. I want to yell at him for being so weak and helpless. I want to yell at him for having the balls to ruin a relationship because he wasn't over me. I want to yell at him for breaking up with me , but not being strong enough to let me go.

 

So what do I do? Wait until the anger blows over , even if he does call?

[La Violin]

If you're in the mood to work as a doormat, give your local bar a call. I'm sure they could use one.

 

Stings, doesn't? Well, get used to it. I'm sure the world has lots more to throw at you.

[smile]

ouch. what was that supposed to mean exactly? I know a lot of people have a lot of opinions on what I have done and what I haven't done. But the truth is, I always did what felt right for me. I was worried for him, because this all happened around the time he suffered a huge emotional breakdown.

 

I have never claimed to have the answers and maybe it took some time but now I am ready to be tough and walk away. He was there for me for three years while I was dealing with depression and post traumatic stress disorder. Does that make him a doormat?

 

Above everything else he is a friend that I see doing things that are unlike him and unhealthy for him. I am concerned. It took time for me to see that I cant help him.. in fact I may be making it worse.

 

I am tired of people assuming that I am a doormat, if that is what you were saying. I am stronger than that. I have initiated nc a few times, but this last time when i was most dedicated to it, one of his friends died. So what do I do? Sorry you broke up with me , deal with the third friend that has died in the last year all on your own buddy.

 

After that I wanted to be his friend... NO JOKE. I am not saying I did everything right. But I tried something that didnt work, so now I am trying something else. Isn't that what the world is about?

 

This is someone I had a very deep emotional reationship with. For three years we opened up to eachother. It was the first time either of us had been so open. So do you ditch that because it doesn't work out the way you want it to?

 

This is a tough and confusing time and we all make wrong turns once in a while. That is what this place is for me... where I can go and talk to people who have been where I am and have some insight. The one place I can go where people listen and are understanding, empathetic.

 

So thanks for your comments, but I am no doormat. I am just a normal person trying to figure out this crazy world of relationships and love.

[smile]

Ok sorry I forgot I had signed on to post... anyway.

 

I was wondering if I should just do the nc thing in this space where he isnt calling? Is this how it starts? We do still have the phone together, oh man dont ask.. it seems as if the universe is against us getting away from eachother. So we have to talk once a month.. do I make my roomate do it?

 

I am moving next week. Do I just move away and not tell him? The sucky thing is I am moving kind of in his neighborhood. Not on purpose really... I have had my eye on this cute cottage for some time now, and I got it, the neighborhood is so cute. But there is a major shopping center that we used to walk to when we were together. We would take walk from his place and around there to get yougurt or go to the grocery store. Plus our gym is right around the corner.

 

I am excited about the neighborhood, not so excited about the increase in chances of running into him.

 

My other question is well.. ok my therapist gave me a homework assignment of sorts and told me to write down a typical day in the midst of my depression and my actions, complete with internal monologue, completely honestly. So I did. It turns out that it explains so much.. he could say one thing so innocent and sweet and in my head I turned it into so much negativity. He would say "hey what happened you didnt bring me coffee this morning?" I would hear "You disappointed me and I called to point out that you messed up. Our relationship is based on what you give me and I am so disappointed in you" .. crazy huh? when he really just called me on his break because I was his gf , he missed me.. and yeh he wanted coffee but he was actually concerned about what happend.

 

She says that if I want to , I can share this with people to allow them to see what was going on inside. In a way it might help him with this idea he has that he messed everything up. Sometimes when guys break up with you, so she has said, they are angry and stuff because they feel they werent good enough to fix everything. And the more hurt they are the more confused and angry they get.

 

She doesnt think we should be around eachother btw.. but she does encourage me to have enough faith in myself to do what I think is right.. altho sometimes i need a bit of clarification. Like this... do I give him this? Mail it to him or something with an explination? It may give me some kind of closure and him too. I dont see my therapist for an other two months so umm what do you guys think?

 

Is it a good way to help him heal? Or is it too soon?

[Puma]

ive always said we have to trust ourselves to do whats right..sometimes we may not even know what is right, tahts where the issue comes in. in ur case i understadn youwant to b there for him emotionally..which i dont feel iw wrong at all. are you at a stage where if ya help him you wouldnt feel for him?? i didnt catch it, but why did ya break up? sit down and ponder on things a bit and ur answer will come..not through ur mind, but in unison after ur heart. if ya want to help him..i say do so, just make sure u are ready for the consequences if any. i think its risky if ur around each other two..as feelings will resurface, and its up to you to know if ur ready for that or not. i feel he is goin through some tough times right now..isnt there anyone else he could talk to though?? or are you his lone confidante

[smile]

well as far as being his confidant... he has a problem trying to be cool ya know? Like he is afraid if the world sees how emotionally raw and fragile he is then they will judge him. He has had a lot of bad stuff happen in his life and he felt he had to be a man, at such a young age this started, and act like it doesnt matter. He isnt open with others, he has used distractions... fun, drinking, workaholic, food... stuff like that. I am the one person who knows how he really feels about his parents divorce, their fighting, his moms death, his dad's emotional issues, his brothers and how they dealt with it all. He has fallen apart only in front of me. Sure he needs therapy... but he says he doesnt need it. You can't force someone to go.

 

I had a hard year last year. My dad had a stroke a few years ago and I spiraled into a depression, I found him on the kitchen floor. Instead of therapy I met this guy and went WOW you can hold onto these problems and fix em. But he couldn't, of course and why should I expect him to?

 

I became angry at myself for judging him this way , I became possesive because I thought he would leave when he realized how fragile I was. I picked fights with him and tried to isolate him. My dad had an other medical emergency last year and it wasnt big but the emergency room and him in the hospital bed wigged me out. My bf was gone for that weekend and I just spun out of control.

 

It was the last straw. This last year was filled with a confusing combo of the most intimate and close we have ever been... to the most insanely self destructive I have even been. He used to get so upset, angry , because my emotional breakdowns reminded him of his mothers .... he wouldnt deal with me. That made me feel worse. He was afraid of what he would do, I was afraid he would leave. It was a mess.

 

He went away for tour after three months of things being great with us.... He called me and said he hated being in a band and wanted to be home with me... for three days he said that and I said I wanted him to work on it and stick with it, make big decisions when you come home. THEN one day he calls and says "i hate you, you are controlling and evil only there for me on your terms and you have ruined my life." I talked him down from that outburst and at the end of the conversation he said he wanted to talk when we came home.

 

He came home and it was back and forth. We were together then he wouldnt call. He said he felt different but not when he was with me. He said he felt like himself when he was with me. Then one day I asked what we were doing, were we back together.. he snapped. Screamed at me just like the night he broke up with me and said he didnt want me. So I said we cant be friends.

 

I walked away and fell apart. This wasnt my guy. I went to therapy and blamed myself. He came over and I apologized. I apologized to him and i sent email apologies to people I know I was unfair to. Each one of them understood. Everyone accepted my apologies and commended me on my strength to do that.

 

He said he understood. He said he accepted and that he always knew. He said well one good thing to come out of this breakup is that I got help. He was so proud of me and said he still loved me. He was sorry I couldnt get this fixed before his breakdown.

 

Then he broke down again. Went through three jobs in two weeks, went into debt... BIG debt, never was like that when he was with me. While we were together he had gotten a car and started saving.. he used to say he felt grown up. He fell back into such bad habits. Never at home .. staying the night on ppls floors and couches.. not paying his dad the money he owes him.

 

He isnt over me .. he says so, he ruined his relationship with this girl because of that. I think something was wrong with his life and he was picking at things that he could get rid of to fix it. I was the easiest to pick out. But I am not because he wont let go.

 

We had problems I am not saying we didnt. I did. He couldnt deal with it , ok . I am not against him leaving me for that. I dont think I couldve dealt with this so honestly if I hadnt hit bottom. So yeh I understand that.

 

I want him to know that he didnt make me feel unloved and he wasnt a bad boyfriend. I was sick. The good stuff was so good ... it was like soulmate insanely good. I know he is afraid we would turn into his parents. But they were never as honest with eachother or themselves as we are. We are not his parents and I am so sorry that I did that to him, but I can't help it. I was sick and I took it out on him... I cant change that. I just want him to know I don't think he is at fault for my emotions.. my crying for no good reason, my jealousy , my fears. I want him to know how what he said got filtered into my brain.

 

So, my being his friend all of this time was sort of to show him, hey I have dealt with so much, I am fully me now because I know that I can choose how to deal with things. I can step back for a second and choose to see reality instead of the depths of jealousy and fear I became so accustomed to.

 

He is now going through such tough stuff. And I seriously feel like the world only has as much power as I give it..Its not this all consuming evil place that I saw.. its just a bunch of people... who have insides that get mixed up once in a while.. nothing evil and awful. Just a planet full of people trying to survive and figure life out.

 

He is the one person in my life that I have ever felt so close to. Therapist says that may be an other thing that triggered my emotional breakdown... and maybe his too. I just want to talk to him on the phone and laugh. Or go on a long car ride in the country. I want a chance to prove to him that I am me... he said before, when he was with that girl, it was too bad I didnt get a chance to show him that, he wouldve liked that.

 

I know this seems so messy, but why would I be here if it wasn't? Do you see now why I don't hate him? It's like he finally got a chance to breathe and when he let go it all just went.

 

Just recently he said he was sorry that he wanted me to be so sweet and thoughtful but he didnt want me to be sensitive and emotional. He said it was unfair for him to decide how I should deal with situations. He said that he didnt regret anything about our relationship. He says that he doesn't know how to stop wanting to be with me. When he has a problem he comes to me because I understand. Because we are so similar. He knows he will never ever be able to find anyone like me in this world, he said nobody could ever compare to me.. or even come close.

 

I think he is so afraid of what would happen if we did get back together. I dont know if more time away from me would fix that. I don't know if I need to be around to show him I can hear what he has to say and not judge or be angry. I dont know if it's unfixable.

 

He told me things he never felt like he could tell me before and he was amazed that I wasn't mad. Why would I be mad about him telling me about exgfs be had before me? Especailly since I am now an ex.

 

I have no idea.. maybe now you know why I am so mixed up?

[Puma]

yes i do now. taht was quite a post! hehe its ok though im glad to be of some help. i think u two are very similar and have had ur pasts affect you more than ya would want. i think that you two share a bond that is unconditional cause no matter what you both have been through, alone or together..you seem to always come back to each other to help each other out through problems or obstacles that are encountered. that should be good in itself as for if he told ya taht u are uncomparable..i know what it feels like to be with someone like that and be someone like that..but dont u wonder if we are so uncomparable..then why would they want to go try other things?? kinda contradicting isnt it. whats ur situation..do you want him back? are you tryin to just live ur life and move on or what? i think its great taht both of you have helped and help each other with problems of that measure..those are really hard to deal with. i wish ya the best to whatever it is that you want

[smile]

Right now I want clarity. We are in such a muddled mess here I feel like I cant breathe sometimes. I am afraid again, and I don't want that.

 

Deep down inside I feel like he is it. He is my gift, from whatever or whomever is in charge of gift giving in this crazy universe. He isnt perfect, I don't want him to be. I am not perfect either, and I now know it's ok. I would accept friendship or love, whatever to keep him in my life.

 

But this in between I don't want. It creates too much fear and resentment. I love him. In the most honest way I have ever loved anyone. It just is.. I can't put conditions on it.

 

In my ideal world, we get married and have a small farm house with a big yard. An old house and giant trees in the yard. Simple and happy. Sunshine and laughter... and all of this is the stuff we had to muddle through our past to get there.

 

In second place is me being married to someone else, him being married to someone else. Our kids playing together. BBQs in the backyard and late nights laughing and enjoying life.

 

I want us to be happy and I know we can be.. we deserve it. I want to be the one to make him happy, but if that isn't my fate then I at least want to be there to see it.

 

I think going through this crap and still wanting to see eachother means something. Still feeling that connection and that support. I love him, I am in love with him. There isn't a lot I can do to change that. And I don't want to.

 

I want him to feel ok with him. Really ok. I want him to stop feeling like he has to tear himself down and rebuild every so often.

 

He has run away and changed himself everytime things got tough. He has reinvented himself so many times. I think he is begining to realize that he was himself when he was with me.. and that suddenly it isn't so easy to change completely. There are some things he doesn't want to get rid of... I am sure he is confused. I am just not sure how I can help him.

 

His best friend hates me. Is glad we broke up. They did everything together and i am sure she had a crush on him.. I came along and he wasnt with her anymore. Now he is around her a lot again, but he doesnt want her. She is the exact opposite of me... she makes him feel bad for wanting to talk to me.

 

So there isn't anything I can do .. if he wants to listen to her then he will. But there is a huge part of him that feels safe with me. Thats why he runs to me I know it is. I just don't want him to run back and forth so much that I lose respect for me and him.