confusion snowballing

[Puma]

i think u have ur head on straight regarding the situation..you know u want the best for both of you and thats good! i relly feel that ya should be together too based on what ya tell me and the vibe that i get from it, but he has to come to realize what you mean to him, then he will make his decision. i think there is promise in ur situation if ya keep hope and faith. relly i think the best approach right now for you would be to be there for him..but so much, that way he will realize he really can be himself with you and that u are diff. than anyone he knows and has encountered...and then he might acknowledge why he is not with you. tahts what we all want and search for right? someone to love us as we do them..someon we can take care of and will be taken cared of, someone that knows us liek no other person has, someone taht is there through it all..i know how ya feel cause my ex is that person to me..but its a shame she has to put me aside for her reasons. just keep doin what ur doin, love him, he appreciates that, and down the line who knows what will happen

[smile]

so I just wait? we had sex last week... bad idea i know. but he hasnt called me since. so thats my trouble. i am worried that he is disappointed in me or in him... or ugh i dont know what.

 

so i just wait? and when he calls do what? what if he doesnt call?

 

and about the story i wrote .... from the point of view inside my head.. do i send it to him? or will it confuse him more? i dont want to be pushy. i dont know how to help anymore.

 

i think i am making a bigger mess... so i dont go away? i should stay here in his face? but i think that mucks everything up...

 

i love him i do .. i dont want to ruin any chance we have at anything..

 

by the way i do appreciate your comments. you seem concerned and that means so much to me. i see us as belonging together too.. but i may be a bit biased Honestly what more can you want? We are insanely sexually attracted to eachother, we are honest with eachother, safe, trusting, we have so much fun together and after all of this crap we still listen to and care about eachother. What else does a relationship have to go through for you to realize it is stronger and more special than most? We are best friends who are sexually attracted to eachother... isn't that the ideal?

[Puma]

ya have a lot ya need to deal with hehe. i suggest you wait yes..and havin sex wasnt the best ideas..unless ya want to continue taht pattern and ur totally ok with that..then so be it, but you will feel urself gettin attached cause i can tell ur not the type that just has sex..ya make love right?? well what would you have described ur experience with him as? i think ya should pull back a bit and im sure he will get in contact with you..and when he does, seem a lil busy, but dont give off the vibe that you dont care...jsut kinda make it seem ya have other things to do. then after awhile ya can try reachin him..taht way he'll think more. im really concerned with how you put it though.."best freinds that have sex" that is not good. i dont think best freinds can have sex without messin up the friendship. ya need to really focus on what you want and analyze why you said u said that ur insanelyu sexually attracted to each other as ur first point. there are some emotions ya have to confront...ya should be with soemone without wantin to have that physical aspect cause it wouldnt matter cause you love them that much..of course im not sayin that the physical part is not important cause it is..but it shouldnt be a priority in terms of a relationship. jsut wait things out, if they unveil they will for the best

[smile]

i put the sexually attracted to thing first because i thought that seperated the being best friends and wanting more.To make my point of how I think his actions reflect how he may feel. I didnt mean best friends who have sex. i meant like ok.. ideally you would want to spend the rest of your life with your best friend, having sex with your best friend is the greatest thing in the world. not in two seperate things but you are my best friend and my lover and thats the ultimate. Like you have the intimacy and the trust and all the fun of your best friend, but you also have the passion of your lover. Sort of like the complete package so to speak.

 

ok so he just called. said he Imed me on thanksgiving and even txtd me but i never got it. we talked for a bit. he thought i was mad at him for the sex thing... i thought he was mad at me. we both thought we were supposed to call eachother . right.

 

anyway he just went into how he is feeling so weird right now.. like he needs to be alone figure himself out. i said i understood. he asked if i thought he was complicated. i said no but i think he makes everything too complicated because he doesnt allow himself to make mistakes... i went on to talk about how we both have so many of the same tendencies because our backgrounds are so similiar. he told me that everything i said was just what he needed to hear right now.

 

i told him that he needed to be honest with himself and not care what anyone else thinks. he said he cared about me very much and he didnt mean to hurt me at all. he said that he would always be my friend and always be here for me, no matter what and that i can call him.

 

we ended the conversation on a humorous note. just joking about work and such. he asked me to go to the gym with him monday night. take a break from packing and moving and meet him at the gym.

 

i feel better. kinda cool that inadvertantly he thought i was avoiding him.. I SWEAR i never got those txts or IMs. or even the phone call 20 mins before this last one. yikes.

 

he keeps refrencing my livejournal. second time. when i was happy he asked why and now that i wrote what a hard year last year was he just said.. man its been a rough year hasnt it? why wont he just come out and say "i read your lj"? boys are silly.

 

he said he was going to call me then he said, no wait you can call me if you want to whenever. i am glad i didnt ruin our friendship. i just want to say its hard to tell when your second chance is... i guess i had it all wrong.. i thought it was the sex but no it wasnt.. its this. we have a chance to fix our friendship... to keep our closeness . i am so glad to hear it means as much to him as it does to me.

[Puma]

yeha dont ya hate when that happens..same thing happened to me..my ex apparently text me on thankgivin but i never got it and i ended up callin her and she thought it was to reply haha..confusing. either way im glad ya feel better and got to sort things out a bit..im sure ya feel good right about now right? i think its really good that he knows whats goin on with himself more than before, liek interms of recognizing he has problems he has to deal with himself first. i think its only fair to let him see that for himself and im sure ya two will be friends and maybe more when the time is right, right? hehe

[smile]

no pushing. no sex. no relationship questions. just hanging out and being there for eachother. is that right?

 

he said to me yesterday all he ever wanted was someone to understand him. then proceeded to ask me what i thought about his personality. he agreed with everything i said. as if i was pointing somethings out he thought no one noticed... hmph if all he wanted was someone to understand him.. HELLO!!! i dunno maybe one day he will get it......

 

luckily the holiday season is upon us and i am busier than a proverbial bee. so when i am busy and kinda blow him off its truthful. so thats good.

 

now that he wants to know all the stuff i wanted to say for four months i am afraid i am just going to spew emotional vomit all over his shoes.

 

i am not sure if the sex was... wow i really want you sexually , because the sexual tension was built up for months what with IMs and phone calls... or if it was a deep desire to be close, even intimate, with someone who felt so familiar and safe. as far as guys go, which one means more in terms of maybe wanting someone back?

 

I know I am willing to accept either... but I am human and a woman, I do have a prefrence

[Puma]

well if there had been tension building up..it might have caused both of you to act on it that is probably most ur answer. the intimate part of course is what you would really be hoping and aiming for if ya want to get back. i think u know ur answer. from now on..you have to try to build an emotional tension instead of sexual tension!

[smile]

He sent me a txt from work. i was at the movies and had no reason to hurry to turn on my phone so i got it like 4 hrs later. He said something about him thinking his ex is bipolar.. this new ex.

 

First I was anticipating this icky cry feeling because until now i never knew her name. Now I know. But that didn't come. Then I tried to be angry that he would make me listen to him talk about the girl he was with right after me.. but I didnt feel that either. I tried to cry ... but it just dribbled from my eyes. Pathetic.

 

I txted him back and said "you get us crazies I get commitmentphobes... who says we don't have a type". I guess I am mostly angry that he lables so many ppl.. she is crazy, she needs help.. she is too pretentious, she is too materialistic.. everyone has a problem but him. Its all the girls but never him....

 

He has no power of introspection, and without that how can you grow? I dont know what's going on. Moments like these make me think maybe I dont want him back. I am ok and stable right here on my own.

 

I love him , but do I want to be in this situation with someone who is incapable of seeing the errors of his ways? He hasnt even mentioned that he cheated on her with me.. not in person sex but phone sex. I didnt know about her then .. but I mean if you are doing that ..hmm are you really IN the relationship? I found out and made him stop so he came over and jumped feet first in us being friends. Then she broke up and he called ME. Then was sad and came over and spent the night with ME. It seems that I am too involved in this relationship.

 

*sigh* I have no idea. Now I am the wishy washy ex. I just feel like I have grown out of these silly games. Is there a guy out there who doesn't play games?

 

Am I out of line to assume I can be his friend but have no desire to talk about his ex or even help him get her back? Or even care about her mental status?

 

I still love who he is... I love spending time with him and I love laughing with him. I loved the way we were just so content to BE together.. we still are. Its just this chaos I just want to walk away from...