Reality check

[pears]

So this is the abridged version of my story. Not clear on all the abbreviations yet, so forgive me.

 

Met him in 2011. Co-workers and friends.

 

Started getting closer and closer. I never initiated anything because he was married. I am a single mom. Didn't want to be in that situation.

 

Summer of 2012. He tells me after lunch one day that he has feelings for me. I tell him I do too, but can't act on them because he's married. He tells me there are problems (which I heard about for the last year) and that he's planning on ending it. I tell him to see me when he does end it.

 

A couple weeks later I give in. Sex starts. I love yous start. He makes an appointment with a lawyer.

 

October 2012 is the lawyer appt. She tells us to stop seeing each other because it will complicate things. We try. We fail.

 

His wife has a family crisis in October. He waits to initiate the conversation out of respect.

 

He initiates the conversation in November. She asks him to wait until after the holidays. He does. I balk, but he says this is what he needs so it's not as bad.

 

Holidays come and go. They have the talk. They acknowledge things aren't good. Are going to come to terms with it.

 

January she finds evidence of the affair. He tells he it was just an EA, but still moves out. Tells me he's done. Needs some time to "calm and control" her so she doesn't take his daughter/house/money.

 

March his contract at the apt is up. She is traveling, he is traveling for two weeks, so he temporarily moves back in to save money.

 

While he is away, she finds evidence of the sexual affair. She flips out. He tells me the calm and control plan is back in effect. He needs to stay at the house to get her settled.

 

May he tells me he will be out or I can move on by June 21. He needs the time to work up the courage to ruin her life. He needs to get her there.

 

I say okay. June he goes to the ER with a gallbladder issue. It takes a while to figure out that's what it is. Can't have the surgery until August. Asks me to wait until he's well.

 

Recovered now. Tells me he needs until late Sept to get out of things. He wants to be with me. He doesn't want to miss holidays together again.

 

He had the conversation last weekend. He told her he wants a divorce.

 

She asked for a few days to decide what she wanted to do - lawyer, mediator, etc.

 

He told me he needs some space to "decide he's doing this for the right reasons" and "get clarity".

 

And when I just spoke to him, he said they didn't talk about it at all this weekend because they have both been sick. But they will by the end of this week.

 

God, that's the abridged version and it's really long.

 

Am I insane to keep sticking this out?

 

We have tried several times to "pause" or "break up" and are never successful. We work together, so full NC is not an option.

 

Be brutal. Be honest. I need it.

[HopingAgain]

Have you personally talked to his wife to get her version of events?

 

He's stringing you along. He wants to continue the affair but he has NO intention of leaving his wife for you or probably at all. The only way they're getting divorced if if SHE initiates it, and even then he will probably need some "time" before he comes to you, because he'll likely be busy begging her to come back.

[harrybrown]

I do not think he is giving you all truth. But he is cheating on his wife. do you think he will not cheat on you or lie to you?

[KentuckyGent]

Pears, take it from someone who had to learn it the hard way, he is definitely stringing you along. Excuse after excuse. Lie after lie. He has no intention of leaving his marriage. This guy is bad news.

[whichwayisup]

Am I insane to keep sticking this out?

 

Yes. Stop being in his life completely!

 

He knows (selfishly) that he can manipulate you into sticking with him and wait. Don't!

 

End your A and tell him goodbye. Tell him the next time you speak to him he should have divorce papers in his hands, signed and done. Anything short of that he is NOT to call or email you. I know, easier said than done but if you want your life back, to feel in control and want off this roller coaster, this something you must consider doing, otherwise you'll be sucked into his drama, one day he is leaving and the next he isn't.

 

Honestly, it sounds like he isn't and he has 100 excuses as to why he can't leave.. yet. Minus the medical issues, there's no reason why he can't up and leave. Men (and women) who want to divorce, do so!

[carhill]

Be brutal. Be honest. I need it.

 

Got any paid vacation coming?

 

Does your court have case summaries online?

 

Does work *require* personal interaction each day?

 

Is there another man in your life at all?

 

Welcome to LS

[tryingto]

It sounds like you are seeing my exMM! I heard excuse after excuse. Some excuses were almost identical to yours. The excuses continued for 3 years, until I ended it and he is still there! I truly believe if he wanted to be with you (solely), he would be by now. No excuses, wild horses wouldn't have prevented it.

 

If she doesn't want a divorce, he won't be able to "prepare" her for it. He won't be able to make it not hurt. Think of the mixed signals he has sent. He told her almost a year ago, he wanted a divorce. He supposedly moved out but then moved back in. In my opinion, this man has had you AND his wife in turmoil for a long time now.

 

You've already heard the excuses for over 12 months. Take control of your life. Don't waste anymore time. It will hurt but please don't allow it to continue.

[pears]

Thank you.

 

I know they aren't lies. I can verify almost everything.

 

But I do know they are excuses. I know he's been struggling with leaving her. He tells me (and I believe him) that it's not about staying with her. That if they didn't have a child he would have left her a long time ago.

 

But they have a 2 year old. And he's terrified of not seeing her everyday and her hating him for breaking up her family when she is older.

 

I know that is the issue.

 

But when I read your responses and when I read my own story, I know what you are saying is true.

 

Just hope I have the strength to do it.

 

I'm usually a very strong person. I have morphed into a needy, clingy, weepy, mess.

 

I hate what I've allowed myself to become.

 

I need to take control back. Thanks.

[Whendovescry]

He's not going to get a divorce. Cheaters only cheat to fulfill whatever they rent getting from their spouse. Emotionally and/or physically. He is saying he loves and cares for you to keep you around and manipulate you into staying with him. He may enjoy the sexual aspect of it all and may actually care a little bit about you but, clearly he doesn't care enough to be honest with you or get said divorce. This all sounds like an elaborate plan he has been perpetuating with you in the mix. I'm sorry. My mom went through a very similar if not identical thing and met up with the guy after breaking it off a year ago and realized that he would never change or divorce. You just need to think about this without the sex or emotional aspect bogging your thoughts.

[carhill]

The questions I asked, being a former MM and former OM, are 'action' questions.

 

You say you need to take control back. What is your plan of action?

 

Sample answers.

 

1. Yes, I have two weeks of paid vacation and I should schedule some time off to process this.

 

2. I can monitor court filings to see if/when he/she files for divorce

 

3. I do or don't have required personal contact and, if don't, then I will choose to not have work contact with MM

 

4. I do/don't have another man in my life and need to process that in a healthy way

 

As a point of disclosure, any facts not independently verifiable are unverified. Court documents are verifiable. Leases are verifiable. Etc, etc.

 

Good luck.

[whichwayisup]

So you and him got together when his wife was pregnant or had just given birth?

 

Was their marriage a mess before they had a baby? I just wonder how he was treating her back then - He may have had a big helping hand in why the state of their marriage isn't good now...Having a baby and the hormones, meanwhile he is cheating on her with you. Did you know back then that his wife had just had a baby?

 

Either way, he is torn and rightfully so. He may have doubts as to throwing away his marriage without giving it a real chance at working. For the sake of their little child.

 

Don't try to make him choose between you and his daughter, that's not right. It may take you to be the one to totally say goodbye and do the right thing.

 

Let's say if he ends up with you, how are you going to feel? Are you ready to be step mom to his little girl and also know that you'll have to deal with his (ex) wife as well? She is going to be in his life forever because of their child. *Just stuff to think about long term, not just in the now.*

[velvette]

It sounds more like she kicked him out when she found out about the A rather than him moving out. His story doesn't really add up. And, this is not really how people who want a divorce go about getting one.

 

You knew what the right thing was but ignored your gut instinct. Go back and do what you knew was right to start with. If his M is over and he loves you enough he will D; otherwise, you have your answer.

[Feb]

Pears,He is dragging this on and the story is not adding up as someone who will leave soon. My mom got divorced, and from the time she decided to leave to the time the divorce was final and she moved into a new home was six months. In that six months was dividing 40+ years of assets, my mom's health problems and my dad's heart condition and a lot of resistance from him. Nothing was going to stop my mom though and she got it done. There was no other man involved.

 

 

My friend also got divorced and there were children involved. She started the proceedings and then her H was diagnosed with (curable) cancer. We all thought she would stay, but she didn't. She committed to caring for him and seeing him through his treatments, but the divorce was still going to keep going. Cancer was not going to fix the broken marriage. She got a lot of comments on how she could leave a sick person, but I had to admire her resolve on separating the two. That also took six months. Also no OM's or OW's involved.

 

 

If people want to end the marriage they will do it. We're now in September, and I suspect the next excuses will be Halloween coming up, perhaps a new illness, and before you know it, it will be holiday season again! The pull of a baby daughter is very real and the bond with a child often does not override the bond of an AP. You need to move on from this relationship. Even if he does leave, his actions signal he might still go back to his family in a few months.

[Turtles]

Also keep in mind, it sounds like he got close to you as his wife was pregnant or new mother... OK, it's not unicorns & rainbows every day living with a pregnant woman, but is this the kind of person you want with you? What happens when you get pregnant or sick?

 

And seriously, "calm and control plan"?? Sounds like a master manipulator.

 

I hope you can tell him where to stick his calm and control... there are plenty of fish with a LOT less baggage in the sea.

[HopingAgain]

The next development in this story will probably be that BS is miraculously pregnant again. MM will say he was trying to comfort her over the upcoming divorce and "It just happened". That'll give him another 18 years to delay leaving.

[tiernan]

Dear Pears,

 

RUN away. I am also a single mom. We had an affair for two years in secret and then he TOLD his wife he is leaving. It is NOT a guarantee of a success. The problem has just started. She hasn't been working for 25 years and they have three children. So she has nothing to lose. She started the war to win him back despite the fact she applied for a divorce a year and a half ago.

 

I kept hearing the same things why he doesn't press her for speeding things with a divorce. Most of the time it was his guilty feeling and children pressure who manipulated by the mother don't want to see him or talk to him. He has been with me two years since then and it is not getting better. Actually she contacted him again a week ago and is pulling him back.

 

He will stay without a house or money because she wants an alimony. And now the reality started to show its face. And he is hesitating again. It is a cosntant struggle. Even if you get him eventually he will be drawn back for various reasons. Kids, responsibility, family etc. It will never END. It very much depend who is his BS - if it is an independent woman with dignity she wouldn't fight for a cheater to come back. If she is weak and totally dependent she has nothing to lose and will do ANYTHING to get him back.

 

I quit. I let him go. I went NC. He seems to be settled about my decision. Actually I think it is very comfortable for him. I wasted 4 years. DON'T do that. If he hesitates like this it doesn't seem good. Mine didn't hesitate in the beginning, but the guilt was eating him all these years. My daughter started to like him. And now she is consoling my crying and depression. Please RUN away.

Edited September 9, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[solostand]

I am not one to talk because I'm still embroiled in my A (but with a planned exit date in the near future).

 

I think of myself. If my MM needed me in the middle of the night, wanted me at his side, needed anything - I WOULD CRAWL ACROSS BROKEN GLASS to get it to him.

 

But we don't get the same treatment because we are seen as "manageable".

[cat]

I went through (am going through) something slightly different-- you can see my posts-- but I had my MM move out of his house and start divorce proceedings so he could be with me. HE signed a quit-claim deed on his house meaning he no longer owns it and gave up all the equity. She owns it outright. HE COULD HAVE LEFT. And he did not. He went back because he couldn't deal with the stress and guilt. HE doesn't love her, and their marriage is a mess. But it's easier to stay. I now just see him as weak.

 

I say all that to say that I know NOW that someone can't leave a marriage for another person, and he can't leave without expecting some level of grief and fear and shame, even if there is relief and happiness mixed in.

 

He needs time alone if he wants to approach a relationship with you without seeing YOU as associated with all the pain and hurt and loss.

 

I'm sorry, it may never happen with him. It sucks to hear, and I'm trying to accept the same thing. I think you should let go. Maybe by the time he comes around you will have found someone who makes you GLAD it didn't work out with your MM.

[legalgirl]

Oh sweetie I feel for you. I heard the same thing, a medical issue, a child's birthday he has to stay for, her dad is sick so he has to be there for her. It was always something. They had to "put it on hold." He IS stringing you along I am afraid. I heard all the excuses too!

[2sure]

Holidays come and go. They have the talk. They acknowledge things aren't good. Are going to come to terms with it.

 

Coming to terms with....It? If IT is a divorce, the terms are decided upon during divorce. No amount of conversations or manipulations, or saying "the cat is sick" is going to prepare them more or change anything.

 

 

January she finds evidence of the affair. He tells he it was just an EA, but still moves out. Tells me he's done. Needs some time to "calm and control" her so she doesn't take his daughter/house/money.

 

That was nearly a year ago. I can definitely empathize with anyone wanting to get their ducks in order before filing divorce - fair or not.

BUT - for someone to think that keeping a BS calm & controlled will alleviate or even effect the financial terms of their divorce - well, this rarely happens.

 

The mother almost always gets primary custody of the children. Waiting & controlling his wife will never change that.

 

The house will be sold if neither spouse can afford to buy the other out if there is a mortagage on it. Unless they have other major assets , this is a BANK issue. Waiting and control his wife will never change this.

 

He is going to have to pay child support. Nothhing he says or does to his wife is going to change that. If she legally entitled to alimony, which is hard to get - the longer he stays married the more it will cost him. And if she IS entitled to any - she isnt going to accept less based on warm fuzzy feelings during a Divorce.

 

Now, I know everything I said is a generalization and there are exceptions of course - but none of these issues require a complete stand still. OR not having another "talk" because someone has the sniffles.

[pears]

He has left his wife told her he is no longer in love with her. Moved out six months ago. Plans to move in with me in November.

 

Things have been wonderful. Weekends evenings, time with my kid, time with his.

 

All is exactly how I've wanted it to be during the last two years.

 

Told me tonight that the condition his wife gave him was that she wanted the vacation he has refused to take for the last two years.

 

Fine. It's his money not mine. Pay for it if it makes her happy.

 

She's taking their daughter. Again. Fine.

 

She wanted him to come too. I laughed.

 

He's going. Seven days in the riviera maya.

 

I went crazy. How could he do this.

 

He says he needs to do this to get past the obligation to her and the guilt.

 

That they will have different rooms and it's for their daughter. She's three.

 

That he doesn't want to miss out on her first time at the beach. That he needs to give this to his wife.

 

That this is the "last thing" he will ask of me. No more. After this we move forward with our lives.

 

I've been up crying all night.

 

I told him if he does this I can't be with him. I was calm at first.

 

I understand his feelings, but mine are that this is too much to ask of me.

 

He says he doesn't expect me to be okay with it, but please don't end the relationship.

 

He begged me.

 

I'm so angry. But I'm also so close to getting what I want.

 

I don't know what to do.

 

Please. Brutal honesty. Insight. Experience. A smack upside the head.

 

Give me something.

[aussietigerwolf]

Id say if you ask him if you can come along then his reaction will give you all the answers you need.

[pears]

I know the answer already. There's no way she would have me there.

 

She knows about me. She hates my guts.

 

This is not an option.

[FusionCutter]

I know the answer already. There's no way she would have me there.

 

She knows about me. She hates my guts.

 

This is not an option.

 

Well you have no choice but to accept it.

[OffRail]

He has left his wife told her he is no longer in love with her. Moved out six months ago. Plans to move in with me in November.

 

Things have been wonderful. Weekends evenings, time with my kid, time with his.

 

All is exactly how I've wanted it to be during the last two years.

 

Told me tonight that the condition his wife gave him was that she wanted the vacation he has refused to take for the last two years.

 

Fine. It's his money not mine. Pay for it if it makes her happy.

 

She's taking their daughter. Again. Fine.

 

She wanted him to come too. I laughed.

 

He's going. Seven days in the riviera maya.

 

I went crazy. How could he do this.

 

He says he needs to do this to get past the obligation to her and the guilt.

 

That they will have different rooms and it's for their daughter. She's three.

 

That he doesn't want to miss out on her first time at the beach. That he needs to give this to his wife.

 

That this is the "last thing" he will ask of me. No more. After this we move forward with our lives.

 

I've been up crying all night.

 

I told him if he does this I can't be with him. I was calm at first.

 

I understand his feelings, but mine are that this is too much to ask of me.

 

He says he doesn't expect me to be okay with it, but please don't end the relationship.

 

He begged me.

 

I'm so angry. But I'm also so close to getting what I want.

 

I don't know what to do.

 

Please. Brutal honesty. Insight. Experience. A smack upside the head.

 

Give me something.

 

I went back and read your posting history and wow !!!!

 

I have ZERO empathy for you. If he has a 3-yr-old and the affair started in 2012, then he was cheating on her when she pregnant or had just had a baby ? Sounds like a real gem to me. And he has been trying to "calm" her down for over a year now ? And still hasn't filed for divorce ? And now wants to spend time with her away from you for a week ?

 

Sounds like a plan to me !

 

You wanted honest answers ? Then here's mine. It appears that he just doesn't want to end his marriage even if they don't live together anymore. Technically, his moving out a few months ago may have only been a trial separation, and not the "done deal" that you believe it is. Until the ring comes off his finger, and there is paperwork showing that the marriage no longer exists, they are still man and wife.

 

A man and his wife can vacation together if / whenever they want. You have *no* say in this at all, and it is not up to you give "permission" for them to spend time together as a family. Your "feelings" don't come into the picture unless and until you and he are more than just APs. She is still his wife, they share a child together, and even post - divorce, and she is always going to be in his life because of the child. There will be birthday parties, graduations, sleepovers, and, if no divorce happens, then possibly more vacations. You need to learn to deal with it.

 

"It's too much to ask of you" ? Was it too much of his wife to expect that he be faithful to her when she pregnant with their child or had just given birth to her ? And, if he had feelings for you prior to her pregnancy, then he had NO business impregnating her ! If he cares so little for the woman he married, why should he care more about YOU ?

 

If you can't tolerate a man and his wife vacationing together, then don't go for a married man. Find someone who is single, available, HONEST, and will think of you and your "feelings" ahead of anyone else's (especially his wife's).

Edited September 18, 2014 by OffRail