Reality check

[pears]

Wow. Thanks for the extra share of judgment thrown in.

 

I realize the affair was wrong. They had a young child. She was not pregnant

 

But this is where we are now.

[adna89]

I actually Think he is still not ready to leave the marriage in past,he will go back to her.This is a huge mistake from your side

[IfWishesWereHorses]

If after everything he has the guts to even ask this of you then you should know where you stand. It's ALL about him. You've been expected (and have by your actions) agreed that your life should/would/can be put on hold to accommodate his. I don't see you ever changing this with him. Despite how happy you might be when HE is not being a selfish prick. It's his needs first, when the chips are down.

 

That is a crazy thing to ask of you but he knows that while he'll have to "calm" you that it will be OK in the end, you'll still be around. He seems good at calming to get what he wants.

 

You're dating the same man she is/was married to. Period. That's really all you need to know. He's not a different person based on who he's with.

[SoleMate]

Sadly, I have to say that you are now the one who is undergoing the "calming and controlling" treatment.

 

Seven days in the riviera maya........it's for their daughter. She's three.

 

You realize this is nuts, right? A 3 year old would be happier in a blowup pool in the backyard than in Mexico. This vacation is for the adults. I wouldn't be surprised if he's already sold it to his wife as their "makeup" trip and special getaway to celebrate the renewal of their love.

 

You already know the answer....this is a hamster wheel of frustration and ruined hopes and tarnished self-esteem and loneliness until you choose to end it.

[herself]

I felt strongly from the first few sentences before I even read the rest that he was lying.

Basically he is trapped right now with you.

He has backed himself in a corner of lies he isn't leaving and maybe even trying to frustrate you into breaking it off FOR him because he cant leave and he also can't leave you...your right there, he cant run...and he cant tell anyone the truth.

As soon as he moved back in...that should have been the end.

The A is at the end but it just needs verbalized and the door closed but he isnt brave enough.

He knows these extensions will eventually wear you out and hes banking on you to get exhausted enough with him to break it off so he doesn't have to.

You know what you have to do.

I hope your updating your resume to.

It seems a fresh start all the way around is the only hope for healing.

[glow worm]

 

He says he needs to do this to get past the obligation to her and the guilt.

 

That they will have different rooms and it's for their daughter. She's three.

 

 

From an outside perspective of someone who doesn't know you or your MM personally, this scenario he gave you sounds like pure bull. As one of the posters above suggested, it seems much more likely he's taking the trip to re-ignite their marriage rather than end it.

 

However, when you love someone you want to believe the best of them and I know that you want to believe your MM. So, why don't you ask him to show you some proof like a hotel receipt or something that they had two separate rooms?

[MuddyRock]

Wow, cheating with someone who's wife just had a baby is a special kind of action.

 

You deserve every second of this. He is putting you in the same spot he put his wife 3 years ago.

 

If you have any decency left you will bow out of this mess. Let this family try and fix itself. They are the family, you are an intruder. I can probably bet the "baby" is probably not even going on this trip...

 

He is trash and you want this around your children? Why would you let someone like this around your children? This is the worst kind of example.

[waterwoman]

That little one has very grown up tastes in holiday resorts!

[OffRail]

Wow. Thanks for the extra share of judgment thrown in.

 

I realize the affair was wrong. They had a young child. She was not pregnant

 

But this is where we are now.

 

You are welcome. I am always glad to oblige.

 

Where you are now is STILL with a *married* man who is going on vacation with his wife and child. So ? Just because they are living separately does not mean that the marriage is over. They.are.still.married.

 

And, if he could treat his wife and the mother of his child so damn poorly when they had just had a child, what makes you think that he will treat you any better or even that you deserve better treatment ? You don't, you asked for this behaviour from him by *enabling* his poor treatment of his wife when they had just had a child. You don't get anything better than she does / did because he is the same guy, it's just the woman that is different. He isn't going to change for you (even if you had moonlight-and-roses dreams that he would because you are just such a special snowflake) !

 

And, as long as they are married, they can vacation together. I will repeat that ad nauseam. He hasn't divorced her, and he certainly isn't going to divorce their child. If he wants to vacation with the child now or in the future, that is his right as that child's father. If Mum wants to tag along, even if you two are now an "item", too bad, so sad, you are just going to have to get some of the same "calm and control" that she did, because you picked the guy, knowing fully well what he was capable of.

 

Are you hurting ? Then don't go for cheaters or anyone who treats you as their option.

 

I realize that I sound hard but I have a family member who was cheated on when she was pregnant. And I know the hell she went through. You asked for this to happen to you. We all make mistakes, so if you are smart, you will see this guy for what he is now - a cheater and a flakes and a loser - and run as fast as you can. I don't know how old you are, but you don't want to waste any more time on this fellow who cares neither for his wife nor for you but only for himself.

 

Is that someone that you want to spend the rest of your life with ?

[Toodaloo]

Where you are now is STILL with a *married* man who is going on vacation with his wife and child.

 

They.are.still.married.

 

I am going to be really blunt with you.

 

This man is stringing you along and wasting your time. He is bit of an ass and IS NOT going to leave his wife...

 

I will say that again.

 

HE IS NOT GOING TO LEAVE HIS WIFE.

 

I know you work together but here is what I would do.

 

1. Stop talking to him unless you have to for work. Keep it strictly professional.

2. Look for another job.

3. After finding new job cut all contact for good.

 

It will hurt like hell and be hard to do but long term will be much better for you. This wagon is not just circling its going round way too fast and by the sounds of things the one to get hurt the most is YOU. Get off before it picks up more speed.

[OffRail]

I am going to be really blunt with you.

 

This man is stringing you along and wasting your time. He is bit of an ass and IS NOT going to leave his wife...

 

I will say that again.

 

HE IS NOT GOING TO LEAVE HIS WIFE.

 

I know you work together but here is what I would do.

 

1. Stop talking to him unless you have to for work. Keep it strictly professional.

2. Look for another job.

3. After finding new job cut all contact for good.

 

It will hurt like hell and be hard to do but long term will be much better for you. This wagon is not just circling its going round way too fast and by the sounds of things the one to get hurt the most is YOU. Get off before it picks up more speed.

 

Actually, even if he does leave his wife or if his wife dumps him (which is probably the only way he will ever stop being married), the OP should stay away from this guy. He is obviously very selfish and manipulative, and, if he can do what he did to the mother of his child, then he can do it to the OP.

 

Some people seem to think that *they* will be the agent of miraculous change in their AP's life / personality and it may be true in a small percentage of cases. But most usually, what the OW gets is the EXACT SAME MAN that the wife had / has. So it boggles my mind that they (OW) expect to be treated better than the wife by the same guy and under the same circumstances. I just don't get it ? Who's to say that he won't cheat on OP if / when the OP is pregnant just like he cheated on his wife when she had just had a baby ? "Happily ever after" is for fairy tales with Prince Charming, not with scum in real life. Sorry, but that is the truth.

 

Regardless of whether they re-ignite their marriage on the Riviera or whether they head straight for the courts upon their return, the OP can find a much better guy out there for herself. This one I would just let go, had I been in her shoes.

 

JMHO.

 

GOOD LUCK to everyone involved in this situation !

[whatatangledweb]

People who are seperated and planning to divorce do not take family vacations together. People who are in trial seperations do take them. If he was telling you the truth he would have no desire to go on a trip with his soon to be ex.

[Lovemesomehim]

 

 

May he tells me he will be out or I can move on by June 21. He needs the time to work up the courage to ruin her life. He needs to get her there.

 

If he will deliberately ruin her life, what makes you think he will not ruin yours?

 

 

^^^^^This is something you should pay close attention to. Regardless to the issues between him and his wife, she is a human being with feelings. A sane human being will be truthful in the beginning before an affair occurs and a real man/woman with empathy for others, will never leave another person for someone else.

[SunshineToday]

The lack of compassion and willingness for 2 cheaters to conspire to lead someone to a place that will "ruin her life" is pretty shocking and terrible.

 

Oh and he is going to Mexico with his wife and daughter, to be in seperate rooms? REALLY? How can you believe this?

 

He is never leaving his family.

[Darren Steez]

He has left his wife told her he is no longer in love with her. Moved out six months ago. Plans to move in with me in November.

 

Things have been wonderful. Weekends evenings, time with my kid, time with his.

 

All is exactly how I've wanted it to be during the last two years.

 

Told me tonight that the condition his wife gave him was that she wanted the vacation he has refused to take for the last two years.

 

Fine. It's his money not mine. Pay for it if it makes her happy.

 

She's taking their daughter. Again. Fine.

 

She wanted him to come too. I laughed.

 

He's going. Seven days in the riviera maya.

 

I went crazy. How could he do this.

 

He says he needs to do this to get past the obligation to her and the guilt.

 

That they will have different rooms and it's for their daughter. She's three.

 

That he doesn't want to miss out on her first time at the beach. That he needs to give this to his wife.

 

That this is the "last thing" he will ask of me. No more. After this we move forward with our lives.

 

I've been up crying all night.

 

I told him if he does this I can't be with him. I was calm at first.

 

I understand his feelings, but mine are that this is too much to ask of me.

 

He says he doesn't expect me to be okay with it, but please don't end the relationship.

 

He begged me.

 

I'm so angry. But I'm also so close to getting what I want.

 

I don't know what to do.

 

Please. Brutal honesty. Insight. Experience. A smack upside the head.

 

Give me something.

 

Read this on the 9th. Read this today. You want people to be brutally honest, they have. Then what? It's not funny but I see a lot of stringing along, a lot of he has to do this, wait until this happens but when once has he actually said no and out you first?

 

Again have you actually talked to her? He makes it seem like she's clinging on but is she really? or is the truth somewhere in between?

 

Also, do you really want someone like this involved in your child's life?

[pears]

Thank you for everyone for the honest opinions. Especially to those who managed to do it without attacking.

 

We have decided to part ways.

 

Well, I decided. He begged me to stay. Not break us up. Understand that this is it then we can be together.

 

I told him I would be on NC outside of work related issues.

 

I told him I can't guarantee I will ever get over this but when he is done officially with her he can come see me again and see where I'm at.

 

I gave him my three conditions for ever even entertaining the thought of a relationship again. Divorce papers. She needs to know about us and his daughter needs to be able to be with us too.

 

He said he was going to get all of those things as soon as he gets back.

 

He begged me not to move on. To wait for him. That we are so close.

 

I told him I had no plans to date right now, but not because of him. Because it wouldn't be fair to anyone else and I'm not ready. But I told him I am living my life now as if he isn't in it.

 

I took off "our" necklace. Took down the pictures. Boxed up his stuff in the back of my closet so I won't see it.

 

I took off of work today and plan to spend the day putting my resume together.

 

He asked if he could still text me. I said no. He asked how I would know how much he is thinking of me. I said don't go on vacation with your wife then you can tell me in person.

 

He can't not go. He has to do this.

 

I told him while I will never understand his decision I will respect it. But he needs to understand that that has consequences. And the consequence is he no longer has me. I hope the beach is worth it.

 

So I'm angry and depressed and frustrated. I feel stupid and used and angry at myself and ashamed and guilty and wish I could undo the last two years.

 

Every minute is a struggle right now.

 

But I'll get through it.

[Poppy's sister]

Hi pears,

 

I think that it is a very difficult situation and people are quick to jump to " he is never leaving " view.

He has a child, he no doubt is torn, men particularly have problems processing how they have hurt their bs.

I am not saying " oh poor them " more trying to give a balanced view.

I can understand his feeling that if he just gives her this holiday then it won't be so bad, what has happened.

I know a holiday does not make up for an affair in anyway, it isn't what I mean.

I think he is just trying to make things "ok" in any way he can.

Being torn between your former family life and the new scarey unknown life with Ap is understandable however much you love your AP.

Men, more than women seem to struggle with this.

However your stance is the only way of maintaining your own sanity.

People on the forum are fast to accuse all struggling AP s as bull****ters feeding lines... But I just don't belive all are like that.

Some people are just in terribly difficult circumstances and situations.

Your mm, may well be trying the only way he knows to sort this all out.

I am a true optimist and hope that you at least give him a hearing if he comes to you with the things you need

But in meantime keep calm and strong.

This may have your happy ending

 

Xx

[adna89]

You did the right thing pears,and do not buy his words,,he is such a typical player,he is using you,and the wife too.THE FACT she is the mother of his child makes him a greater monster

[MuddyRock]

You can never have a trusting 100% relationship with him if he goes. It will always overshadow everything. You will always remember you were not his first choice but plan b.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

Hi pears,

 

I think that it is a very difficult situation and people are quick to jump to " he is never leaving " view.

He has a child, he no doubt is torn, men particularly have problems processing how they have hurt their bs.

I am not saying " oh poor them " more trying to give a balanced view.

I can understand his feeling that if he just gives her this holiday then it won't be so bad, what has happened.

I know a holiday does not make up for an affair in anyway, it isn't what I mean.

I think he is just trying to make things "ok" in any way he can.

Being torn between your former family life and the new scarey unknown life with Ap is understandable however much you love your AP.

Men, more than women seem to struggle with this.

However your stance is the only way of maintaining your own sanity.

People on the forum are fast to accuse all struggling AP s as bull****ters feeding lines... But I just don't belive all are like that.

Some people are just in terribly difficult circumstances and situations.

Your mm, may well be trying the only way he knows to sort this all out.

I am a true optimist and hope that you at least give him a hearing if he comes to you with the things you need

But in meantime keep calm and strong.

This may have your happy ending

 

Xx

 

I disagree! I love the sentiment and your kind heart but this has been going on for over two years. Plenty of time to pull the trigger. He had moved out of the house and was supposedly moving in with OP. All of a sudden he's taking a second honeymoon with his wife and is LYING to the OP about his intentions which means he's lying to his wife about his intentions as well.

 

He may well be confused but at this point he is blatantly using both women.

 

OP, I hope you keep that anger handy when he comes back groveling! He is lying to you about the nature of this trip. I would consider having a talk w/STBXW to make sure all parties are on the same page. Maybe the evening before they leave for their little trip!

 

He is a jerk for asking you to be ok with this.

[SoleMate]

pears, you did the right thing. It's a bandaid rip, but it'll be over with quicker. You'll heal faster. Hugs, just expect pain and grief, it is normal and you have to go through it to get it over with. It's like the death of a loved one, but in certain key ways, worse. :-(

[TigerCub]

Hey Pears,

 

I just had to reply to your posts.

 

1. When I was first reading the OP - I was predicting things like

'oooh bet there's gonna be a family situation'

'ooh bet there are kids involved and that's why he can't leave, cuz he's so noble'

'oooh, I bet the wife is a b*tch'

'oooh, I'm sure there's gonna be 1 excuse or another on why he's stalling now'

 

Honestly, it wasn't even to mock you or take pleasure in what you've been through because I certainly don't. I've made my mistakes and got my heart broken by a guy that was attached. It actually makes me sad to hear of the pain on all sides of this.

 

2. I just wanted to say that I'm glad that you made your decision to be free of him. I really really hope that you are able to stick to NC (outside of work related stuff) because I know how easy it is to fall back despite all the pain we go through, we just keep falling.

 

You're doing the right thing by updating your resume and taking steps to find a new place to work.

 

When you want strength to stay NC - just remind yourself that if you cave now, your word would have no meaning and he wouldn't take what you ever say as anything more than an empty threat.

 

The pain will pass

Missing him will eventually pass.

 

I hope you will find yourself in a much much happier and healthier relationship in the future

[jellybean89]

He is showing you by his actions that he isn't done with his marriage.

 

No 3 year old will remember this vacation. - ever! It's not about his daughter, it never has been. If he was so afraid of losing her, he never would have cheated. He never would have spent his "free time" messaging, seeing you - he would have spent it with his daughter.

 

Let him go - for real. None of this "we tried but couldn't stay away from each other" baloney.

 

Do not ever have your child get attached with a MM. That is unfair to the child. How would you feel if one day your child's future spouse was doing what you and the MM are doing? I'm assuming you would hate that person for hurting your child - for lying, sneaking around, etc.

 

This MM has yet to "man up". He has you telling him what to do. If he really wanted to be with you, you wouldn't have to nudge him, manipulate him, beg him, plead with him, convince him or walk him through the process.

 

He knows, from past history with you, to just give you a few days to calm down and you will go right back into the affair. For your sake and your child's sake, I hope you really are done.

[Absinthe]

OP, so glad you have done the right thing and chucked this guy in. It's very apparent from the first post that this guy is a classic manipulator.

 

No good EVER comes of a relationship where you feel needy, clingy, and generally not yourself. This guy made you feel this way because he threw you crumbs. It feels exciting because of the potentials, the what-ifs.

 

Also, that rare smattering of men who want to leave their wives can do so without that much thought for the children. I have a good friend whose Dad moved to another COUNTRY to be with his mistress when his kids were 9 and 11.

[C00kie]

Hi pears,

 

I am sorry for what you are going through, but you made the right decision and you're right - you will get through it. I did too - I broke up with MM 7 months ago and it's been an emotional rollercoaster, but overall I am much better and have not regretted my decision for a second.

 

When we are too absorbed in these toxic relationships, sometimes we fail to see reality - and reality is any man who says he's separating and would ask you to be ok with an holiday with his wife to Mexico is a complete jerk who does not deserve you, or anyone for that matter. People who want to divorce don't take trips to Mexico with their spouses. I don't want to be one of those people who always think the worst, but this is what it really is...really, even if he was going "just to make it better", what would that make him? A very coward man who too does not deserve to be on your side.

 

I do not believe the separate room thing, and, even if they stay separate, you will never know if they don't get together. Really, I don't want to hurt you but this is all so unrealistic, the separate room thing, the vacation for his daughter.

 

Please don't take more bull from him. You're right: his actions have consequences. He decided to go to Mexico...so he lost you. People can't have it all. It amazes me, and not in a good way, how people are becoming so self-entitled and selfish, so unconsiderate and pathetic. Just stay away from him and focus on healing.

 

All the best!