what is right?

[confused]

I have a friend whom I've known for about 5 years. We met and fell in love back then, but he was with another girlfriend at the time in a relationship that wasn't working. But she was older and he felt responsible for her. He moved away with her, and then let me know about 6 months later that he was going to marry her. the hope that I had in my heart left, and even though I will always love him, that "in Love" thing left at that time. Shortly thereafter I met my current boyfriend, which has been a whole different set of situations- wonderful and challenging. I have relocated now 2000 miles from my boyfriend to pursue my education, which was discussed before we even got together because we both know that the chances of long distance relationships are very slim. But he is staying at his current job because it is a good opportunity and is helping get his finances squared away. So now my other male friend who never did get married has relocated near me and now tells me that all the time he was in love with me. I'm cautious, of course, but since we never really had decent time to spend together before, we have spent some nice time in the last few months as friends (on my part) and I am very greatful for that time. My boyfriend was understandably jealous at first (being so far away, I can understand that), but he has now calmed down after it has taken me so long to convince him that I am not "In Love" with my friend, I just love him as a friend and that's all. So now my friend is pulling this thing that he says since my boyfriend is jealous (I have corrected him on that- no longer jealous) he shouldn't be spending time with me. After doing it for months, why the big change? If we do not let jealousy make our decisions for us, is this the right way for my friend to see things? If he were a girl would he be saying the same thing? I realize that part of the problem is that he "says" he is in love with me,...is it just getting too hard for him? Or is he right when he says that since my "jealous boyfriend" doesn't want him around, he should honor that. If he was just a girlfriend of mine and my boyfriend didn't like her, would she be right to just stay away? I realize also it could just be a level of comfort - thing. I probably wouldn't want to be somewhere that I wasn't wanted either, if that really was the case......help please.

[Thiamine]

I have a friend whom I've known for about 5 years. We met and fell in love back then, but he was with another girlfriend at the time in a relationship that wasn't working. But she was older and he felt responsible for her. He moved away with her, and then let me know about 6 months later that he was going to marry her. the hope that I had in my heart left, and even though I will always love him, that "in Love" thing left at that time. Shortly thereafter I met my current boyfriend, which has been a whole different set of situations- wonderful and challenging. I have relocated now 2000 miles from my boyfriend to pursue my education, which was discussed before we even got together because we both know that the chances of long distance relationships are very slim. But he is staying at his current job because it is a good opportunity and is helping get his finances squared away. So now my other male friend who never did get married has relocated near me and now tells me that all the time he was in love with me. I'm cautious, of course, but since we never really had decent time to spend together before, we have spent some nice time in the last few months as friends (on my part) and I am very greatful for that time. My boyfriend was understandably jealous at first (being so far away, I can understand that), but he has now calmed down after it has taken me so long to convince him that I am not "In Love" with my friend, I just love him as a friend and that's all. So now my friend is pulling this thing that he says since my boyfriend is jealous (I have corrected him on that- no longer jealous) he shouldn't be spending time with me. After doing it for months, why the big change? If we do not let jealousy make our decisions for us, is this the right way for my friend to see things? If he were a girl would he be saying the same thing? I realize that part of the problem is that he "says" he is in love with me,...is it just getting too hard for him? Or is he right when he says that since my "jealous boyfriend" doesn't want him around, he should honor that. If he was just a girlfriend of mine and my boyfriend didn't like her, would she be right to just stay away? I realize also it could just be a level of comfort - thing. I probably wouldn't want to be somewhere that I wasn't wanted either, if that really was the case......help please.

Well, how would you feel if you boyfriend was hanging around a girlfriend he had loved like you did? I'd get pretty jealous too! There's nothing wrong with hanging out as friends, as long as that is a mutual agreement between the three of you. If the guy is saying that he is *still* in love with you, let him know you are taken and will be cool as friends, but nothing more. Good luck!

 

Love,

 

Thiamine (Allison)