My ongoing saga

[Ace]

I will make this short because I have posted the LONG story here before so here this one goes. After 4 years, she broke up with me. It has been 2 months now and I still miss her more than anything. I am better then I was though. My question is, should I do little things to see if we can still do things as friends and maybe if we can be friends for a little while and then maybe she will come around? I sent her that happy new year's email and that actually got us talking again after 2 weeks. I asked her to come over the other night and watch a movie with me and she declined, but maybe she will come over sometime. She has called once other time for little reasons, but at least she has called. When she called she also was teary eyed and acted really sad acted sorry but I don't know for sure. What do you think is going through her head?

 

My 21st bday is coming up in about 2 weeks and me and a bunch of my friends are going out. Should I ask her to go with us?

 

Thank you

 

Adam

[Ace]

Do you think I could do anything to sway her that she wouldn't know that it was me? Like letting her read all of the things on here that I have left. Maybe if she knows how I am and the way I am thinking? Anonymous letters or something? Any ideas? The reason that I ask this is because I know that it is better for me to not do anything at this point, but IF I do things and she does not know it is me then we may be onto something.

 

I am sorry if you think that I am really overdoing this, but I am just trying to scour every possible thing that I can think of to get her back. I don't really believe in destiny so I want to be able to try things that may help me out.

 

Adam

[Tony T]

This girl broke up with you for her own reasons, which she felt were good enough to terminate the relationship. Now, have some respect for her decision and leave her alone.

 

Break ups are extremely painful, not only for the dumpee, in this case YOU, but for the dumper (HER) as well. She needs to go through her healing process.

 

Anything you do will be an annoyance and an irritation. Just ask any lady on this forum. If she wants to get back with you, she will call you.

 

Don't do anything. Any effort you make out of the ordinary to get her back will be an irritation to her.

 

Now if you can be really cool and be a gentleman, there might be a chance here. But if you act like a lovesick wimp, you won't have a chance in the world.

 

You didn't say what her reasons were for breaking up with you but you might just do some work in those areas...if she told you.

 

Back off, don't contact her, don't Email her, don't send her messages through friends, and don't invite her to your birthday party. For God's sake, don't let her read the stuff here...and don't send her anonymous mail and stuff...that is just juvenile and would be totally inappropriate at this time. Maybe in six months or so, you can be friends but right now is not the time to be including her in your plans.

 

Hopefully, you'll me a nice new lady at your birthday bash.

 

Right now, do your best to move on a make a new life for yourself without her. As I said, she broke up with you for a reason and you need to respect that. Doing weird things to get her back will only give her more assurance that she did the right thing in breaking up...and you don't want to do that.

[Ace]

Thank you Tony

 

So do you think if I can act cool around her and "let on" like it doesn't bother me, you think that that would be cool? I can do that because that I is what I have been doing. The reason that these feelings are coming back is because my dad has just go engaged and she sent him a card and we have also been talking again. Why would she send my dad a card if she was going her separate way? Do you think that she feels guilty or maybe she is regretting what she did and wants to still be a part of my life. It really got me when she said that she was going to send a card. I forgot to tell you that.

 

Thanks again. It is REALLY nice to have someone to talk to about this.

 

Adam

[Tony T]

Don't try to second guess why people do what they do. The only fact to consider here is that she broke up with you. No matter what she does, she is not someone you want to be chummy with because you are only going to get hurt more. Let her send your family cards or whatever...that is not your concern.

 

Your concern is understanding that she has REJECTED you, she NO LONGER wants to see you...that is all you have to consider.

 

Now, take a real cold shower, stop thinking about her, she is absolute history. The best thing you can do is show her that you are a man by moving on and finding better things to do with your life than go after a chick that has clearly shown you the relationship is OVER.

 

Why are you doing this to yourself???

[Ace]

I know, I know. However, she just called me drunk and was saying that us talking was nice. She was just saying that she likes still keeping in touch. She then got upset because I said something about us and she started crying. I really felt bad so I went over there and tried to console her. It was nice. We talked alot about events that have happened while we were apart and kind of caught up. We talked a little about us and that was ok. Really nothing new. I am going to quit posting stuff because I know what everyone's advice is but I just can't seem to go by anyone's advice.

 

I greatly appreciate the help that you have tried to give me, but what it boils down to is that I am going to do whatever. I am DETERMINED to get this girl back because she means more to me than anything. Again, thank you for the advice but it looks like I cannot stop this feeling and cannot control what I do with this girl.

 

Thank you again very much for the help,

 

Adam

[Tony T]

Yeah, I'm a real sucker for women who call me when they're sauced too. I perfectly understand.

 

When you cease being a wimp and start being a man, you'll attract a lot more healthy and mentally together ladies who will make you very happy.

 

But I am not kidding when I say I perfectly understand your position. When I used to get dumped on all the time, I would never take anyone's advice. However, in later years I realized how on the mark all of it was. You will too, but in the meantime, we love you.

[Ace]

Thank you very much Tony. I asked her to go to the mall with me today to go shopping with me and I think that she is going to. I just hope that if I can prove to her what she has lost then she will realize that she has lost out on. I realize that I am a wimp and that I may and probably will get my heart broken again, but I have to try. It is just something that I feel that I have to do. If she does not come around then eventually I guess I will move on but for now I will continue to secretly try. Maybe if I can prove that I am a really good friend then I HOPE that she will want more. From the way that she is acting around me now, it may be a possibility. If she breaks my heart again, then maybe I will learn.

 

I am sorta like a dog that pees on the floor and gets slapped. It really likes to pee on the floor and it will keep getting slapped until finally it will realize that it cannot pee on the floor anymore and just pee outside from then on.

 

O well, I will let you know how it goes and how everything is going. I really like telling someone about me and her. It helps when I can tell someone that will listen and call me worthless like my roomates do. They have never had a serious relationship and it really pisses me off when they say bad things. I know that it may not be the best thing, but they just do not understand.

 

Adam

[Tony T]

I really don't think you are worthless at all. You just have to learn how to handle realtionships. And that's OK. Before there was the Internet, we either talked to our friends and didn't listen to them or we wrote Ann Landers and didn't listen to her. Wherever we got advice we never paid any attention.

 

I think that may be good. Somewhere inside we know what lessons we have to learn. The best way to learn is from experience and when I write on this site, I usually write straight from experience...and I have experienced what you are going through now.

 

For your information, I still enjoy peeing on the floor. It really pisses me off when I miss the floor and soak the carpet. I think that happens to me sometimes so I will be more forgiving when my cat does same.

 

But nobody slaps me, I just pay somebody to clean it up but I do kick the cat.

[Ace]

Well we just went to the mall. It was really fun because nothing was discussed about the relationship. It did bother me a few times when she would say something about me having another relationship. Anyway, we had a pretty good time until we got home to her apt. I went up for a little while and then it started to get weird. We started discussing about us again and she was still firm on her decision. It really got to me and I started to get teary eyed. Then she showed me her scrapbook which contained pictures of all her family in which I loved and also all the pictures of us over the last 4 years. It was really hard Tony! I should not have looked at those pictures at all, but there was just that feeling that I just couldn't help but look at them because I really liked them.

 

Well, that is about it. Hurt again, one of these days I will learn,

 

Thanks again,

 

Adam

[Dragonflys]

Yeah Pal,

 

I feel for your situation. But this is not good.

 

My ex did this too. She wanted so much to be with me, but yet relationship talk was out. She was also genuinely concerned whether I had met anyone else (for my benefit).

 

But mate I know now that she loved me, but unfortunately not the kind of love that sustains HER in a relationship.

 

We now do not talk or go out anymore, at MY request, its been 3 months. We have to say hi to each other because we work in the same building and run into each other.

 

But now, I look after my stuff, and give her no more emotional input. While I still respect her wholeheartedly, and she knows that, I have to protect myself from the feelings I have. Our feelings for each other are discordant, so we should NOT see each other. That does not mean I hate her (as I told her repeatedly). We will be friends one day, we had something very special. Not now.

 

I see it this way. Right now, there is no way we can work because of the attitudes we both have. NOTHING I can say or she can say will get us back now. But I stand by how I treated the realtionship, I was wonderful to her.

 

Now by letting her go, I give her the opportunity to date others, do whatever (also without my knowledge). If SHE changes, realises she was kidding herself, she may come back say in a year or so. I don't hope for that. If I am single then and she has changed, THEN she may be the right person for me, and I for her. If I am not single, well thats a lesson for her.

 

I am going out meeting other women.

[Nic]

i totally agree with what oliver says.

 

deciding to cut contact with someone you love very much is one of the toughest decisions to make.

 

i too have been there, and i am currently at my 2nd month of no contact. sure, it's really hard, because we got along like a house on fire and were very, very close. i loved him very much, and he was not just a boyfriend to me, but a best friend. it too was my decision to not remain in contact.

 

but to continue keeping in contact with your ex, when you obviously feel so much for them, and when they don't want to be with you right now, is being a glutton for punishment.

 

i know my ex loved me very much, but i think deep down, it wasn't enough. the wonderful relationship we had, just wasn't enough for him. but what can i do? nothing except get on with my life - WITHOUT HIM. i know that oneday i will be able to be friends with him, but that will only be when i know i have well and truly moved on. he is a very worthwhile person to have in my life and i would love for that oneday. but now is definitely not the time, because it will only slow the healing process about tenfold.

 

it is a very hard thing to do, and it is painful to not converse with them on any or the most minimal of levels, but it has to be done. otherwise, you're just punishing yourself.

 

try your hardest to not be involved with her at all for the time being and go out and meet new people. next month, i am going to the (omigod!)....desperate and dateless ball, and i am going to mix with new people and make new friends. i'm certainly not ready for a relationship and casual sex is out of the question, but nevertheless, it will only re-inforce that there are other people out there and that my ex was not, and is not, the be-all-and-end-all of my life.

 

good luck to you and be strong

Yeah Pal, I feel for your situation. But this is not good. My ex did this too. She wanted so much to be with me, but yet relationship talk was out. She was also genuinely concerned whether I had met anyone else (for my benefit). But mate I know now that she loved me, but unfortunately not the kind of love that sustains HER in a relationship. We now do not talk or go out anymore, at MY request, its been 3 months. We have to say hi to each other because we work in the same building and run into each other. But now, I look after my stuff, and give her no more emotional input. While I still respect her wholeheartedly, and she knows that, I have to protect myself from the feelings I have. Our feelings for each other are discordant, so we should NOT see each other. That does not mean I hate her (as I told her repeatedly). We will be friends one day, we had something very special. Not now. I see it this way. Right now, there is no way we can work because of the attitudes we both have. NOTHING I can say or she can say will get us back now. But I stand by how I treated the realtionship, I was wonderful to her. Now by letting her go, I give her the opportunity to date others, do whatever (also without my knowledge). If SHE changes, realises she was kidding herself, she may come back say in a year or so. I don't hope for that. If I am single then and she has changed, THEN she may be the right person for me, and I for her. If I am not single, well thats a lesson for her. I am going out meeting other women.

[Ace]

Thank you guys very much.

 

I thought that I was moving on whenever we didn't see each other for 2 weeks and that is alot of the reason that I went over there the other night. I thought that it was not going to be a big deal but I was really wrong. She told me to call whenever I wanted to talk or whatever and I said the same. She called back yesterday after I got home to apologize that she kinda kicked me out when I was over at her apt. She said that it was getting kinda weird because a guy from her CC team called and she said don't worry I am not dating him or anything but she just said that she felt guilty for talking to him and me being there at the same time. THAT was kinda strange I thought.

 

Anyway, this is the first day of this semester and I really want to call her and ask her how her first day went but I know that I can't. She will call if she wants.

 

She also was saying that she was weak for calling me the other night. She kept saying that she was sorry and what not. I kept telling her that I liked to hear her voice, but she would just not listen. She would say, "You are strong and I am just weak". I really felt sorry for her.

 

The thing about meeting other girls is the fact that I really don't know how because she was my first girlfriend. I guess I will learn eventually. Another thing is that I am going to feel guilty because I will probably be thinking about her and I would like to give the girl that I am going out with my full attention.

 

Adam

[Ace]

I think I am not going to just cut off all touch with her because she means too much for me to do that. I am going to call her every once in awhile and see if she calls me back occasionally. If she never calls then I know what she wants. If she calls back every once in awhile, then I will know that she still wants to be friends.

 

I am NOT going to discuss ANYTHING about the relationship ANYMORE! I AM, however, going to talk to her about friendly stuff and to not even act like we ever went out because our relationship has to be something even though it is not girlfriend and boyfriend.

 

Adam

[Tony T]

Sounds like a great decision to me. Stick to it!!!