Maggs23 Posted September 9, 2013 Share Posted September 9, 2013 Hi everyone, this is my first post here. I have been married for 8 years, and am very confused right now. I hope that no one will be judgmental; I already know that the things we have both done are wrong! I am just looking for some opinions/guidance. Anyway, in the beginning of our marriage, my husband was looking at porn a lot and would lie about it...that was what really annoyed me. I didn't mind the porn itself so much as the lying. We had numerous fights about it, and there were a few times where he got physical with me (i.e. shoved me, shook me). Then many years passed and he was never physical again with me at all. He did however call me names and swear at me a lot. I finally decided to separate from him after four years of marriage. We were separated for two years, then got back together. During our separation, I did see other people, and one in particular got somewhat serious. My husband knows about it. But in the end, I went back to my husband. The thing is, 99% of the time he is super-loving and caring, and will do just about anything for me. But there is this dynamic where I feel like he has more power than me, and I also feel like he can be very boring. Basically, that "loving feeling" is no longer there for me, and I am having a hard time holding on. About two months ago, we had a stupid argument, and out of the blue, he pinned me down on the bed by the back of my neck, and bruised my arm. That was the first time anything physical happened in about 6 years. I was shocked. I recently ended up seeing the guy that I had seen during our separation, which I now know was a mistake, but I think it just shows how unhappy I am. My husband is now trying really hard again, and we are talking about marital counseling. I would like to emphasize how hard he is trying and that most of the time he really is great to me. But my boredom, unhappiness, etc. is still there, along with a lingering fear that he just *might* strike out at me physically again. Does this sound like something worth saving? Oh, and I am 34 years old with no kids. I fear ending up alone and having no children, I won't lie about that. But I also don't want to stay in an unhappy situation for too long...thanks for any insight... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Maggs23 Posted September 10, 2013 Author Share Posted September 10, 2013 I just had a long talk with my husband about my unhappiness...we have both agreed to go to marital counseling. I would really appreciate hearing if anyone has survived infidelity in their marriage, and/or any kind of abuse. Obviously I know the odds are against us... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
RavenWolf Posted September 10, 2013 Share Posted September 10, 2013 I just had a long talk with my husband about my unhappiness...we have both agreed to go to marital counseling. I would really appreciate hearing if anyone has survived infidelity in their marriage, and/or any kind of abuse. Obviously I know the odds are against us... I have been through both. My first husband physically and emotionally abused me. it escalated and he literally tried to kill me. My suggestion is to leave the situation now and never look back. My second husband made me feel like I was not good enough and cheated multiple times. I should have left after the first, and at the very most after the second. But I did not and know my feelings are dead and my self esteem is beyond shattered. I'm very concerned for your safety. Him pinning you down by the back of your neck and bruising you is scary. I hope you get out and find a safe place. Link to post Share on other sites
mrs rubble Posted September 10, 2013 Share Posted September 10, 2013 Only you can make the choice. If I were you, I'd leave him. He's recently assaulted you, calls you names, lies to you, you say you feel unhappy...I can't read too many reasons to stay!! I understand your willingness to try and work this marriage out....but if you want children....I'd hurry up out of this marriage and find someone who doesn't act violently, doesn't call you names or swear at you...someone who was actually decent father material. Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted September 10, 2013 Share Posted September 10, 2013 was in a relationship for fifteen years with infidelity being the break up point...in any relationship that i have had where these things were involved....porn....alcohol....drugs....they fail the main abuse i copped was when they were either blacked out on alcohol or hanging for drugs and i supported them implicitly encouraging them to try to give up still do with one ex boyfriend and is still a work in progress...one has completely given away everything now,my last relationship but he only did a couple of years after we split.....he doesnt even smoke cigarettes and is now encouraging me to give up smoking...smilin.... porn is often violent shows acts of pinning females down, smacking them around a bit while verbally abusing them, all seems just the normal every day sex act on screen..... that desensitizes some men to what is actual reality and not scripted and edited fantasy... every act of physical abuse with me being beaten by men, has involved alcohol and or drugs.....including in relationships....i am an advocate for drugs and alcohol suck from personal experience.... marriage counselling is a very good start....... if you do not seek outside help the violence that he is starting to show is just the beginning it is progressively getting worse from what you have written ...wont be too long before the make up you wear or bruise concealer or scarves around your neck to hide the finger imprints wont hide you are getting hurt in this marriage...... seek help...... support for you in regards to domestic violence........serious help for him is required or walk......actually fast walk away...no one has a god given right or by the laws of most civilised countries, to place their hands around another's neck and squeeze.....or hit them ....or beat them...or verbally and physically bow someone into submission....this is your beginning......only you can be the one to stop it....if he agrees than i wish you much love and luck......if he doesnt...dont spend any more time trying..........deb Link to post Share on other sites
pteromom Posted September 10, 2013 Share Posted September 10, 2013 Sure, many couples have survived infidelity and abuse. But it takes both people taking responsibility for their actions AND wanting to change. Only you know if you take responsibility for your infidelity and have learned anything from it. But you can also get an idea whether he is serious about changing. - Does he admit what he has done to you, or does he downplay it or deny that some of the abuse ever happened? If the first, good. If the latter, HUGE RED FLAG. - Does he admit that what he did to you was wrong? If yes, good. If he blames you for any part of it (You just pushed my buttons! You shouldn't have _____. Well, you did _______.), then HUGE RED FLAG. - Does he state a belief that it is always wrong to use physical violence against a woman? If yes, good. If he feels that women should be put in their place or that women sometimes need to be controlled or taught a lesson, then HUGE RED FLAG. - Is he willing to go to a counselor that specializes in abusive behavior? If yes, good. If no, HUGE RED FLAG. - Is he willing to make a promise that he will never touch you in anger again, with the understanding that if he does, the relationship is instantly over? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Maggs23 Posted September 10, 2013 Author Share Posted September 10, 2013 Thank you all for your replies, I really appreciate it. I talked with my husband again today, and pteromom, we actually discussed many of the things you mentioned. He is very sorry for what he did, and very ashamed. We see the marriage counselor tomorrow for the first time, and he said he is willing to see another counselor on his own as well. So I am hoping that is a good start. I already see my own therapist. I know everything I mentioned sounds really bad, and to be honest, I still have a lot of reservations about the marriage. But I am not ready to throw it away just yet. I guess only time will tell what the outcome will be...I feel at this point I am going to give it 6 months and see where we end up at that point. Link to post Share on other sites
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