Really should I leave my wife?

[m1ke11]

Mike,

 

As you give more information I see your picture more clearly.

 

I still think that you are currently using biking to medicated your feelings, previously you were drinking.

 

Your wife disconnects from stress with TV and food and isolating herself.

 

Your daughter disconnects with cutting.

 

See the pattern?

 

Please understand, I have a serious amount of experience with mental illness, suicide, etc. this is a family problem.

 

Maybe you need to have everyone do family counseling. Couple sessions all three of you before everyone starts in individual counseling.

 

I really hope you all find a situation that is comfortable and happy for all of you.

 

IIWII

Thanks so much. I mean it and I value the time your spending posting here. I have no idea why my perfect family declined. Probably because all along I've been propping up one side while the other side is wavering. My wife sees the picture now and I am going to afford her all the support I can. But really there is a time when I've got to protect myself. And if I get like I did last June, I've got to move on. I just have to, because otherwise I'm no good to anyone.

[It-is-what-it-is.]

Thanks so much. I mean it and I value the time your spending posting here. I have no idea why my perfect family declined. Probably because all along I've been propping up one side while the other side is wavering. My wife sees the picture now and I am going to afford her all the support I can. But really there is a time when I've got to protect myself. And if I get like I did last June, I've got to move on. I just have to, because otherwise I'm no good to anyone.

 

You are welcome,

 

Your wife is one thing...but your daughter...well you get her in the car and drive her to an ER with a good mental health program.

 

That's the thing sometimes their decision making is screwed up.

 

IIWII

[Yasuandio]

But really there is a time when I've got to protect myself. And if I get like I did last June, I've got to move on. I just have to, because otherwise I'm no good to anyone.

 

There are hints in several of your responses that suggest you have already thrown in the towel, to "protect yourself."

 

It is entirely possible that your family is suffering due to your withdrawal into your own personal endevors. The outcome of your pursuits have led you to EA's and whatever comes with that (which includes robbing your family of the attention you provide to the EAing).

 

Your wife and child have a right to go into therapeutic treatment with the truth. My opinion is you no longer want to deal with the resposibility of this family (even problems you may yourself have been instrumental in creating), and wish to experiment in life as a separated and/or single person. Leaving, in some fashion, that bameshifts the issue onto your wife. That is my take.

 

I say be a MAN. Tell your family the truth now. You want to leave them. Let them enter treatment with the complete truth. Otherwise, to cry your crocodile tears, is to risk your daughter's relapse into cutting behaviors. Not to mention the mentle tortue you are putting your wife through. Done and done. Be a MAN. Just end it. Stop prolonging everyone's agony. Yas

[m1ke11]

There are hints in several of your responses that suggest you have already thrown in the towel, to "protect yourself."

 

It is entirely possible that your family is suffering due to your withdrawal into your own personal endevors. The outcome of your pursuits have led you to EA's and whatever comes with that (which includes robbing your family of the attention you provide to the EAing).

 

Your wife and child have a right to go into therapeutic treatment with the truth. My opinion is you no longer want to deal with the resposibility of this family (even problems you may yourself have been instrumental in creating), and wish to experiment in life as a separated and/or single person. Leaving, in some fashion, that bameshifts the issue onto your wife. That is my take.

 

I say be a MAN. Tell your family the truth now. You want to leave them. Let them enter treatment with the complete truth. Otherwise, to cry your crocodile tears, is to risk your daughter's relapse into cutting behaviors. Not to mention the mentle tortue you are putting your wife through. Done and done. Be a MAN. Just end it. Stop prolonging everyone's agony. Yas

 

Terrible advice. You give this without heed, without really knowing the situation. To convey what my family has been through, online in text, is next to impossible. Yet you give this advice? I surely hope others see your advice for what it is. Honestly, I'm going to heed Ptero's advice all the way. And I am fully committed to see it through. And if it doesn't work, and I'm reduced to the psychological wreck I was in June? How can I be good for my kids at that point.

 

I am calling the shots like I see them. You have your issues as much as I do. Your "advice" will go unheeded.

Edited September 11, 2013 by m1ke11

[trippi1432]

Really you don't know me, your not reading my posts all the way. Let me just say this:

 

I am going to start taking care of myself by declining extra work, by riding my bike, being faithful and supportive of my wife. I am going to let my wife do whatever she feels is necessary to improve things. We BOTH have work to do. And if this plan doesn't work and I get close to another breakdown? I'm getting out, it's all I can do.

 

If I am late to the posts I apologize, tried to post this earlier from my iPhone...but dang that's aggravating...so I'm just going to start from here.

 

Taking care of yourself is what I stated from my very first post...it's not by having EA's and I do think you get that. Declining extra work...that's how you take care of you and get some balance in your life.

 

Now...I've read through more...yes, Cozy needs to fix her own ailments of her resentments....are her kids cutting...probably not, but they could if she doesn't figure her crap out. I say that because my daughter did and still does and it freaks you out....M1KE...it DOES freak you out. It freaked me out, it still does when at 26 she asked me to hide her razor for her. It hurts as a parent to know that they do this and you are powerless to stop them, or help them...it's an emotional release to them. I can understand you crying and breaking down...that's your kid and they are hurting themselves. But it's not your wife's fault on her own....the two of you have to come together.

 

My exH and I couldn't..he was like your wife..but he also wasn't her father. We couldn't fix it...you need more than just you seeing someone...or her seeing someone, you need family counseling and your daughter needs to know that both of you love her. My daughter only knew I did since she was 3. Her daddy was never around and I protected him for 8 years. A few years later, she started cutting...she couldn't handle stress, still has a problem with it. Stress hurts us all...work, high school, life, toss in a toxic family...my daughter has been away from a toxic family for 8 years and she still cuts. We deal with it in our own ways....hers is the hardest to comprehend.....just like you riding your bike on this thread became, it's how you deal. When you understand how you deal and how she deals, it will click.

[m1ke11]

If I am late to the posts I apologize, tried to post this earlier from my iPhone...but dang that's aggravating...so I'm just going to start from here.

 

Taking care of yourself is what I stated from my very first post...it's not by having EA's and I do think you get that. Declining extra work...that's how you take care of you and get some balance in your life.

 

Now...I've read through more...yes, Cozy needs to fix her own ailments of her resentments....are her kids cutting...probably not, but they could if she doesn't figure her crap out. I say that because my daughter did and still does and it freaks you out....M1KE...it DOES freak you out. It freaked me out, it still does when at 26 she asked me to hide her razor for her. It hurts as a parent to know that they do this and you are powerless to stop them, or help them...it's an emotional release to them. I can understand you crying and breaking down...that's your kid and they are hurting themselves. But it's not your wife's fault on her own....the two of you have to come together.

 

My exH and I couldn't..he was like your wife..but he also wasn't her father. We couldn't fix it...you need more than just you seeing someone...or her seeing someone, you need family counseling and your daughter needs to know that both of you love her. My daughter only knew I did since she was 3. Her daddy was never around and I protected him for 8 years. A few years later, she started cutting...she couldn't handle stress, still has a problem with it. Stress hurts us all...work, high school, life, toss in a toxic family...my daughter has been away from a toxic family for 8 years and she still cuts. We deal with it in our own ways....hers is the hardest to comprehend.....just like you riding your bike on this thread became, it's how you deal. When you understand how you deal and how she deals, it will click.

 

 

Honestly. This forum is the best thing I've found. My ea started because I needed someone to talk ( my wife was totally unavailable) to and at least here I'm anonymous and there's no risk of that.

 

Maybe the bike is how I deal, I can think while I ride. Everyone needs to process things and think. It's good for me I don't think my mind is changing about that.

 

I soooooo sorry to hear of your situation. It's so tough isn't it? To live through that is a horror made worse by a spouse that can't or won't deal. They don't support you when it's needed. I'm so sorry.

 

It's really disturbing that cutting last so long. I need to get on this and need to reapproach this with my daughter. Btw she has been really good all summer however school is starting and with that there are some pressures. It had me concerned. I/ we have totally backed off any demands grade or school wise that were previously placed on my daughter. The goal is only to graduate this year or next. No real pressure.

 

I will take the issue up with my daughter and try to get some help. I think it's better if she agrees to get help as opposed to forcing it upon her. Ill keep trying.

[trippi1432]

Honestly. This forum is the best thing I've found. My ea started because I needed someone to talk ( my wife was totally unavailable) to and at least here I'm anonymous and there's no risk of that.

 

Maybe the bike is how I deal, I can think while I ride. Everyone needs to process things and think. It's good for me I don't think my mind is changing about that.

 

I soooooo sorry to hear of your situation. It's so tough isn't it? To live through that is a horror made worse by a spouse that can't or won't deal. They don't support you when it's needed. I'm so sorry.

 

It's really disturbing that cutting last so long. I need to get on this and need to reapproach this with my daughter. Btw she has been really good all summer however school is starting and with that there are some pressures. It had me concerned. I/ we have totally backed off any demands grade or school wise that were previously placed on my daughter. The goal is only to graduate this year or next. No real pressure.

 

I will take the issue up with my daughter and try to get some help. I think it's better if she agrees to get help as opposed to forcing it upon her. Ill keep trying.

 

It is hard..it's your kid, you love them despite what they do. I was scared and had no one to turn to. I took my daughter to the nearest behavior health clinic and they put her in for a week, she was only 15. It was good for her, but yeah...I just wanted to get her to graduation. I wanted her to achieve something that she could be proud of herself for. And she did, it was hard...that last year of HS....OMG!! I'd go to get her out of bed to catch the bus and I never knew what to expect. I just wanted her on the bus, a kid going to school...laughing and being happy, but she wasn't.

 

My daughter still graduated with a 3.99 GPA, I didn't have to get onto her about her grades, I did parse back...actually for a lot of years prior to this. Girls seems to achieve better than boys in school, so my advice, as someone who went though this...it's the accountability factor. If she has an assignment that is easy, don't pressure but don't back off either, she needs reassurance. If it's something hard, be supportive, but still let her do it on her own. My daughter had to do a collage once of her own self image, understand the hard assignments to them with that on their mind....self image and cutting go hand in hand. It was actually one of the harder assignments she had in HS.

[cozycottagelg]

 

Now...I've read through more...yes, Cozy needs to fix her own ailments of her resentments....are her kids cutting...probably not, but they could if she doesn't figure her crap out.

 

This thread is not about me and I don't appreciate this comment at all!!!!!!!

 

I may resent my husband, but my children have a happy home. My husband and I don't argue, don't yell, we are very much a team, we still laugh and joke and get along. Am I in love, no, but this was completely uncalled for.

Edited September 11, 2013 by cozycottagelg

[trippi1432]

This thread is not about me and I don't appreciate this comment at all!!!!!!!

 

I may resent my husband, but my children have a happy home. My husband and I don't argue, don't yell, we are very much a team, we still laugh and joke and get along. Am I in love, no, but this was completely uncalled for.

 

You're right, it was uncalled for, I apologize.

[m1ke11]

This thread is not about me and I don't appreciate this comment at all!!!!!!!

 

I may resent my husband, but my children have a happy home. My husband and I don't argue, don't yell, we are very much a team, we still laugh and joke and get along. Am I in love, no, but this was completely uncalled for.

 

Don't take this as anything but friendly, but that's exactly what I would have said a year ago. Exactly. 99 percent chance you won't have a problem with the kids but this one snuck up and bit me good.

[trippi1432]

You never how the children are going to react, the first 12 years of my life were the best. I never heard my parents fight or yell....I never knew anything was wrong with their marriage until my father sent my mom a dozen roses and said he wasn't coming back.

 

Who cheated on who first, over 20 years later, I still don't know....but I do know that my mom was the one that got caught. My dad will say he always loved my mother, but he found the perfect woman for him in wife #3. My mom claims she never loved my dad - she just married him to get away from an abusive father, but she's never been happy with much of anything. New house, she's looking at others that she wished she had bought, a new horse....online looking at what she should have bought instead, and when she says she wishes she hadn't married husband #3, I tell her that if she ever leaves him, I'll disown her because she is unhappy with herself and she needs to understand that. Don't get me wrong, I love my parents (and this last set of step-parents)...but their second marriages were utter H*ll on me as a child.

 

At 12 years old, that "false front" of a secure foundation was torn apart. As a child, you are just "along for the ride" of what your parents do. My mom, she married a child molester, he molested me, his own daughter and even one of my mom's best friends daughter. My dad, his second wife was a gold-digging socialite and hated kids. Needless to say, I put both of my parents out of my life at 16 and made my own way in the world...one where I existed. Neither of my parents are bad people, I love them, they are my parents. But I realized, that like them, I had to put "me" first for a while. Sometimes children get lost in the mix of divorce, you don't think it will happen, but it can, everyone is just looking for their own version of "happy", not realizing it starts within.

[2sunny]

Can you explain why you drank? What pain was so great that you needed to get numb and cover up that pain?

 

 

Do you feel that now you are participating in your M from a healthier, balanced perspective? Do you feel that you are offer "your best self" to this relationship?

[SoleMate]

M1ke, glad to hear you are planning to work through the issues! One day you will be glad you did....whatever happens.

 

May I recommend The Sex-Starved Marriage by Michele Weiner-Davis? It is a comprehensive, fact-based and practical book of analysis and advice that takes into account the perspective of both partners (high drive and low drive). Buying 2 copies and reading them together may be one of the best things you ever do for your marriage. Your wife may not currently understand she has the power to make your marriage fabulous in her hands.

[cozycottagelg]

Don't take this as anything but friendly, but that's exactly what I would have said a year ago. Exactly. 99 percent chance you won't have a problem with the kids but this one snuck up and bit me good.

 

I understand that, completely. But my daughter is 6...so to even entertain that thought right now is unacceptable to me.

 

Also - To touch upon what another poster said...my parents split when I was 18, I still wish they would get back together... so I get that, totally.

[m1ke11]

Can you explain why you drank? What pain was so great that you needed to get numb and cover up that pain?

 

 

Do you feel that now you are participating in your M from a healthier, balanced perspective? Do you feel that you are offer "your best self" to this relationship?

 

I have no clue why I drank. I wasn't happy. It got to where a bottle of wine while I cooked dinner might happen once a week. Usually 3-4 drinks a night. Going out meant getting pretty drunk a few times.

 

I really feel I can participate 100 percent in my marriage. I do want to work this out and have a better relationship than ever with my wife. I am worried stress will get to me again so I am learning how to delegate and ask for help. Instead of always taking charge 100 percent of the time I'm going to ride in the back seat once in awhile. That's my best of self. I know I will forever be hyper alert to how easy you can find yourself in an EA and that's a major development. I don't see how I could be so stupid to let it happen a 3rd time.

[2sunny]

You may want to find out why you drank.

[m1ke11]

Some time to think of possibilities as to why I drank.

 

Around when all this started:

 

I broke my pelvis in a bike race and suffer some pain from it still.

My mom died.

I had another bike accident that I don't suffer from but left my face scarred and 4 front teeth are implants. ( don't really think this is the reason? )

My marriage wasn't the best but I was ignoring it.

My job got really stressful and remains such.

[2sunny]

Drinking can generally be a coping mechanism for trauma - and you've stated you've had plenty of trauma.

 

Have you worked with a counselor at all since these traumas occurred?

[m1ke11]

Drinking can generally be a coping mechanism for trauma - and you've stated you've had plenty of trauma.

 

Have you worked with a counselor at all since these traumas occurred?

 

Not until a month ago. Discussion hasn't been centered around that. More about what to do in my marriage.

[m1ke11]

Drinking can generally be a coping mechanism for trauma - and you've stated you've had plenty of trauma.

 

Have you worked with a counselor at all since these traumas occurred?

 

Not until a month ago. Discussion hasn't been centered around that. More about what to do in my marriage.

[trippi1432]

Well, job stress is definitely a big one m1ke. It sounds like you are doing the right thing on scaling back. It's so hard to find work/life balance and even harder to leave the stress at the office and not bring it home. I can tell you, my life is much better since I learned that I can say "No" at my job or have the authority to delegate things off.

 

I don't recall, does your wife work?

[m1ke11]

Well, job stress is definitely a big one m1ke. It sounds like you are doing the right thing on scaling back. It's so hard to find work/life balance and even harder to leave the stress at the office and not bring it home. I can tell you, my life is much better since I learned that I can say "No" at my job or have the authority to delegate things off.

 

I don't recall, does your wife work?

 

I agree. I'm 43 and just learning this? I'm a knucklehead.

 

Yes my wife works. As a matter of fact her career started 5 years ago about the time she was checking out. At first maybe I just wrote it off as new job stress but maybe the anxiety was kicking in full swing and it was all she could do to control it while at work? Maybe on to something! And at the same time my job was ramping up because of the effects of the economy. A lot of stress in the house for several years and the icing was last year when my daughter started having issues. That's what sent me over I'm sure

[vla1120]

For clarification the crying happened always after some episode or scene regarding my daughter. The day I went home early from work because my daughter wasn't at school. I found her in bed and talked to her a bit. Looked down to find a bloody sock. She had been cutting. Later when my wife was home from work I broke down while she was upstairs watching tv like not a care in the world. Later I've talked to her and and found out she was escaping. Just trying to cope. I get that but it's hard not to carry a grudge. This is just one example. My daughter went through severe depression last year and I was the one that tried to help her through it all the while being told I was the worst dad ever. My daughter absolutely declined therapy. Would not go. Threatened suicide. This is why I broke down several times. I wasn't getting help from my wife. My wife never cried. I'm going to have to forgive her for this and it's not going to be easy. I'm fully committed to understanding her side. I told her that last night and mean it. My wife sounds like an awful person I know but she is my best friend, and I'm starting to believe that she just couldn't deal.

 

I want to see how things go this year. The first day of school for my daughter was today and my wife was unsuccessfully trying to get my daughter out of bed. At least it wasn't me trying to do it by myself.

 

I have been here, Mike. I've dealt with depression and anxiety in all my daughters. I was the one who always carried the responsibility of trying to seek help for my daughters, changing my behavior at home (being non-confrontational with their father no matter what he did or said) to provide as stable a home life as possible for them so they felt secure, etc. His way of dealing with it was to yell and tell my daughters to simply "be strong and stop" the cutting, purging, etc. What he NEVER understood was that the cutting and purging were SYMPTOMS - not the problem.

 

Make your children your priority. Are you in therapy to help you deal with your daughter's symptoms? Even if she won't go, you and your wife should go together and show a united front on this issue - that you are both there for your daughter. To me, this is a priority in the relationship. Maybe out of working together in the best interest of your daughter will come some much needed common ground for the two of you.

Edited September 12, 2013 by vla1120

[trippi1432]

I agree. I'm 43 and just learning this? I'm a knucklehead.

 

Don't feel bad, I was that age too when it kicked in. What I learned is that the company can carry on with or without you. Everybody is expendable, so what sounds better - working harder or working smarter?

 

Yes my wife works. As a matter of fact her career started 5 years ago about the time she was checking out. At first maybe I just wrote it off as new job stress but maybe the anxiety was kicking in full swing and it was all she could do to control it while at work? Maybe on to something! And at the same time my job was ramping up because of the effects of the economy. A lot of stress in the house for several years and the icing was last year when my daughter started having issues. That's what sent me over I'm sure

 

These are very good points M1ke actually, and I think you are onto something. I don't know if I would say she was checking out (obsession to cope with stress - TV) unless you could say that you were too in a way (cope with stress - Biking). Both of you are just coping, but you've forgotten each other due to the stress. The external stress becomes the family internal stress...nobody is really at fault here, please understand that, but you both have to talk about it maturely as something bigger than just you and just her. It an US factor.

 

She's making changes, she's waking up and so are you....I would have loved to have been in your shoes years ago (I used to escape thru music). Had my daughter seen a united front who love each other and her, it might have changed how she coped with stress (cutting). Internal stress is felt by everyone, but don't kick yourself for it, it does happen in just about every home Worldwide....knowledge and awareness are power, so is kindness when you both take on your roles to make it a safe and stronger place for you and your family.

 

Proud of you stepping up and putting your family back together, good man!

[trippi1432]

I have been here, Mike. I've dealt with depression and anxiety in all my daughters. I was the one who always carried the responsibility of trying to seek help for my daughters, changing my behavior at home (being non-confrontational with their father no matter what he did or said) to provide as stable a home life as possible for them so they felt secure, etc. His way of dealing with it was to yell and tell my daughters to simply "be strong and stop" the cutting, purging, etc. What he NEVER understood was that the cutting and purging were SYMPTOMS - not the problem.

 

Make your children your priority. Are you in therapy to help you deal with your daughter's symptoms? Even if she won't go, you and your wife should go together and show a united front on this issue - that you are both there for your daughter. To me, this is a priority in the relationship. Maybe out of working together in the best interest of your daughter will come some much needed common ground for the two of you.

 

Vla - Just saw this and I had been writing my post for the past 5 hours. Hugs!! I've been there too....just saying to stop it doesn't work...no more than saying quit your job to alleviate the stress works either....it takes knowledge, power and knowing that other things are more important than just YOU when you are raising kids. It takes that United Front, supporting each other so you can support and love your kids like they deserve.