Best friends changed after marriage

[David_Marsh]

Hi,

 

My best friend of 15 years ago got married nearly 2 years ago and since I've hardly had any contact with him. I've seen him 3 times in the first year and just twice in the last. We only live 6 miles away. Additionally, he does not make any contact on the phone.

 

I get one phonecall every 3-4 months to say wassup and sometimes we meet following the call. In the first year, I tried to keep in touch via the phone but i found my messages would get ignored and miss callls not returned. We talking about me texting him once a week likewise giving a call a week or every two.

 

He's pretty much the only proper friend I have and I'm also his only real mate. The only difference and it is a big one is that he's got his wife.

 

I've told him that I think he's letting me and our friendship down but he says he's too busy to keep in touch.

 

I know priorities change after marriage and he is very, very busy in his career but given what we been through I would expect to find some time to keep in touch. It can't be that time consuming to spend a minute sending a text every now and again and finding a few minutes for a call even if meeting up is very difficult.

 

I've told him that I think he's letting me and our friendship down but he says sorry, he's too busy to keep in touch like that anymore.

 

What do you think? Am i being unreasonable in expecting my best mate to do a much better job in keeping in touch?

 

Cheers

[Dolphono]

 

What do you think? Am i being unreasonable in expecting my best mate to do a much better job in keeping in touch?

 

Cheers

 

 

Once a guy gets hitch, life as he knew it, is over. It always become about the wife and her "feelings" and her "needs". Sorry but "NO" your best mate can not come outside and play catch. Once his wife gets bored and feel neglected and have a case of the GIGS. You and your best mate will be the dynamic duo once again. Unless you screw up and get married.

Edited September 10, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Woggle]

I did it in my first marriage but my second marriage I vowed I would never become like that and I haven't. I am proof that a man can have a successful marriage while still keeping his friend, his hobbies and most importantly his balls though it is not easy to find a woman like my wife.

[Sugarkane]

I feel for you and have had a friend do this to me aswell. This is what scared me about getting into another relationship again. I mean obviously people's priorities change, but don't people still need friends? Like what happens when you have a fight with your SO? Or just want girl/ guy time? I think you need more people in your life just besides or SO. Or if you breakup/ get a divorce you end up with no one!

[Dolphono]

what happens when you have a fight with your SO? Or just want girl/ guy time? I think you need more people in your life just besides or SO. Or if you breakup/ get a divorce you end up with no one!

 

Your true friends will remain, they'll just bust your chops when you start coming back around after the breakup or divorce.

[IcedEarth]

People are pathetic like that, they date someone and then vanish from the lives of their friends or become wholly different people entirely.

[Dolphono]

The women always influence such pathetic behavior in men cases.

[Woggle]

The women always influence such pathetic behavior in men cases.

 

Then they lose attraction when they no longer respect him as a man.

[tart6245]

I hate it when people do stuff like this. It's important to have independent lives instead of simply doing everything with your spouse. Given he only lives 6 miles from you, distance isn't an issue. Just play it cool. No need to get angry at him. Eventually he will get it, and if he doesn't, he will wake up one day and realize he has no friends outside of his wife.

 

I know the feeling though. A good childhood friend of mine got married in June and none of us have heard anything from him since the wedding day.

[pteromom]

The women always influence such pathetic behavior in men cases.

 

This is silly. A man is responsible for his own actions. If it is important for him to keep his friends, he needs to say that and show it in his behavior.

 

OP - all you can do is invite your friend out once in a while and hope he goes. You can't control how he chooses to live his life.

[Dolphono]

This is silly. A man is responsible for his own actions. If it is important for him to keep his friends, he needs to say that and show it in his behavior.

 

Are you married? If so? Then your husband is a very fortunate man.

[David_Marsh]

Hi, thanks for the messages. It seems there is some agreement that I'm not being unreasonable in expecting him to do a better job at keeping in contact. It's now 6 months since I last saw him and 5 months since I've had any contact.

 

This is 19 years for friendship coming to an end. There's been times I've really needed a friend in the last couple of years and when I've tried to contact him, I've had no reponse and recently I don't even feel like contacting him anymore.

 

Wow, I don't really have any friends now. Just a couple of acquaintances. It's a lonely place. Most girls I meet don't really want to know after a while and I think one of the main reasons is because I don't have much of a life and no friends - makes me look like a weirdo. Maybe I am .. aaahh.

[Maladjusted]

Hi David,

 

I know where you are coming from. Sorry to hear about you and your friend. I've had the same thing happen to me and it sucks.

 

That being said, you need to get out and make some new friends. I'm sure you know that already but the alternative is loneliness. I wallowed in it for some time until I realized that there are a lot of good people out there and life was just passing me by.

 

Best of luck.

[crederer]

I can relate. My friend didn't get married but he got into a serious relationship and later had a child with her. He is one of my best friends but I haven't seen him in person for over a year, last time I talked to him was 6 months ago. Anytime I try to get in contact with him it is ignored for the most part.

 

I don't understand it. I know he's busy but not able to even shoot me a text more than twice a year sounds pretty damn ridiculous. And it's not just me he's doing it with, it's all the gang.

[Sugarkane]

I've been guilty of doing this in the past and don't recommend it. I already grew apart from old friends. I used to go on double dates with my ex and his best friend And wife. We used to hang out with his friends a lot. I suppose being couples, you're more likely to hang around like minded people. But after my ex dumped me by text after a year and everyone took my cheating exes side, without a second thought to me, I've been wary of doing this again ever since.

[Grumpybutfun]

David:

Hmmm...seems odd to me. My wife and I have always had separate friendships and time out with our friends. She is extremely social and encourages me to socialize. When I was in the military we would have huge parties and invite our friends, and some of them hooked up and married. Very convenient for us.

 

Some other things to consider...did he get a promotion or start a new job that takes more time and effort? Did he have children? Is he having an affair? Is his wife strict and makes him stay at home with her because she is needy? Are you sure he was as much your friend as you are his?

 

I don't think this is healthy for him. If you have done nothing to deserve such treatment, he is weak of character. "I am busy" could be the mantra of every person who has a job, hobbies, a family, spouses, bf/gf, or participates in sports. I wouldn't do that to my friends because I have learned to budget my time for what matters to me. If he is letting his wife dictate to him what he does then he will be back with you soon because men do not like to be micro-managed (and I assume women do not like it either.)

Find some new friends, because this one is a douche.

Grumps

[Sugarkane]

It sounds like your friendship is really dead. After being friends for so long, this seems like a waste. I'd defiantly put effort into meeting new people other than this unresponsive friend. Hopefully your friends spouse won't betray him like what happened to me. But I guess he'll learn the hard way?

[Nikki Sahagin]

People get like this when they get into relationships, not just marriage.

 

There isn't so much you can do sadly. Obviously if you were really close friends on HIS side, he would never blow you off. However you also say he is very busy with work and I suppose you never know whats going on in a marriage personally....(getting over cheating? insecurity? etc) that people allow to influence there own lives.

 

But it is very unhealthy for both a marriage and the individual. Unless he uses his marriage as an excuse because he doesn't want to see you.

[the tank]

I'm in the same sitation. My best friend got his first girlfriend since 8 years . I know him since 10 years... During the first I was Like .. ok it's new , he will go back to earth . During the last three weeks he initiate texting one time per week , to tell me annoying thing or tell me me his relationship problem .

 

The day he will broke up . I may have find new friends and not care about him. I choose to not text him anymore. Her girlfriend his her only subject of conversation and he almost laugh about my situation of being single . At first that hurt me . But i'm getting happy to be single. No more drama. Being too long i wasnt single .

[Woggle]

Almost all the friends I have who have long lasting and happy relationships are ones with their own lives who stay in touch with their friends. It's the ones who abandon everything else that get dumped and are damn near on the verge of suicide when the relationship ends.