Physical symptoms related to guilt or stress from an affair

[rae_lana]

We are both married and we both are close with each others spouses, so I know my situation is slightly different than a lot here.. But have you, or your married AP or single OM or OW had physical symptoms they relate to stress or guilt?

 

I had a stomach ache that lasted all week .. My husband thought I was really sick, I honestly knew it was just from thinking and stewing in my head about this. I've lost close to 20 pounds this summer alone..

 

And yes. 4 full blown anxiety attacks that seemed to come out of the blue, two of which were when all four of us were together .. All in one week.

[affairaddict]

Well 9 months of depression/stress hated my job had an affair, I got breast cancer. Who really knows if it was related. Probably not but I will always wonder.

 

No other illness though

[carhill]

Difficult to extrapolate, at least most recently, due to a number of other factors going on, mainly end of life care, which was very stressful.

 

However, as a young man, having experienced an off-and-on EA for a number of years, I don't recall any significant physical effects. Conversely, that period of my life was one where I was in the best physical shape I've ever been. Looking back at all the life-changing things I did during that period, generally from 25-33, I was, if anything, energized by the interactions. It was the period when I started my business, embarked on world travel and took up physical sports. However, there's no doubt I did miss the person when we were apart, so I'm pretty certain it wasn't all positive. Still, I don't recall seeing a doctor until I was around 35, and that was for a physical because they wouldn't do STD tests without a physical and back then it was customary to disclose STD status with potential sexual partners (not the EA partner, as I had moved on at that point). No issues.

 

After dealing with all the recent stuff, I'm pretty much back to age 25 status, except with the lesser energy of a 54 yo. Can't go 24/7 like the energizer bunny anymore.

[Calcmag]

I never actually felt much guilt, but it's clear I was experiencing some physical symptoms of stress.

I've never had any problems with sleep, but for about two years during the A I would wake at 4am every day.

I had back, neck and shoulder pain.

I also had a couple of episodes of depression, although they could have been more connected to my marriage deteriorating as much as to the effects of the affair.

[rae_lana]

I never actually felt much guilt, but it's clear I was experiencing some physical symptoms of stress.

I've never had any problems with sleep, but for about two years during the A I would wake at 4am every day.

I had back, neck and shoulder pain.

I also had a couple of episodes of depression, although they could have been more connected to my marriage deteriorating as much as to the effects of the affair.

 

Back neck and shoulder pain could be signs of stress or guilt? First time in my life I've ever thrown my back out was a month ago and it happened twice. Wow. I honestly never thought these could be real symptoms until someone else pointed it out.

[ChooseTruth]

My ex had panic attacks during a bad/failed reconciliation. She got into a minor car wreck at one point, and also got sick the same week. Earlier she miscarried a baby.

 

As for the suspicion part...BSs many times are blinded by trust and love

 

One possible conception night, she woke me up at 4AM in a complete panic and had sex with me, making me finish inside (where just a month before she had called me a bastard for doing the same thing). Waking me up for middle of the night sex was completely out of character for her, and of course the obvious distress and panic were also out of character as well. These were gigantic red flags to me and I did in fact have suspicious thoughts. But I couldn't accept or believe it and trusted her. I shoved all thoughts of suspicion and logic right out of my head and promptly forgot about the whole incident. YOu see we had been trying to get pregnant for months during the previous year and failed. I didn't think anything would come of it. I didn't even remember that night until a month later when she told me she was pregnant AND reminded me of the late night incident. At first I had said"...but...I don't remember slipping up."

 

Then I found out she didn't know who the father was...and it all made sense. She had been trying to muddy the water. Her OMM hadn't used protection in the back of a car one night..and she panicked.

 

I had lots of other signs things weren't right...all much bigger than her being sick. Actually that was one sign for me as well, she was suffering from morning sickness and I didn't get it.

 

 

 

I hope you end the affair soon and come clean. Affairs are dangerous things that destroy and split up entire families. The lies create rifts of mistrust that are almost impossible to repair.

[Calcmag]

Back neck and shoulder pain could be signs of stress or guilt? First time in my life I've ever thrown my back out was a month ago and it happened twice. Wow. I honestly never thought these could be real symptoms until someone else pointed it out.

 

Yes, for me it was stress. We unconsciously hold ourselves much stiffer in our spine and neck area when we're stressed. So can experience a lot of muscle soreness/stiffnes OR put our backs out easily. That's what happened to me too.

[yellowmaverick]

My WH became quite depressed. He could barely function at work and fell asleep most nights right after dinner. He barely interacted with our children. He forgot appointments and did not follow through on promises (come to think of it - he didn't follow through on promises even BEFORE the affair ). He was usually very involved and engaged in life - during the affair he became quite disengaged. As crazy as it sounds, he said later that d-day was a relief to him.

[tiernan]

In recent weeks I was waking up at about 5am with anxiety of unknown origin and a knot in my stomach. It was getting better during the day.

[Betterthanthis13]

I am a married woman having an affair.. Hoping to end it soon..

 

I don't want to open wounds but I am interested to know about all sides..

 

 

We are both married and we both are close with each others spouses, so I know my situation is slightly different than a lot here.. But have you, or your married AP or single OM or OW , or your WW or WH had physical symptoms they relate to stress or guilt?

 

I would think this would tip some betrayed spouses off.. Or be the push for the person experiencing it first hand, to end the affair, or even confess.

 

I had a stomach ache that lasted all week .. My husband thought I was really sick, I honestly knew it was just from thinking and stewing in my head about this. I've lost close to 20 pounds this summer alone..

 

And yes. 4 full blown anxiety attacks that seemed to come out of the blue, two of which were when all four of us were together .. All in one week.

 

I often read things similar to this on the OW/OM board sometimes in the general idea of "How does the BS not know??"

 

The thing is, I've had other partners in the course of my life who got sick. Who got stressed about work. Who panicked, who had terrible headaches, who were irritable, etc. Who gained and lost weight. NONE of them were cheating. Thats why it never occurred to me to connect the dots between my current xbf's stomach pains and migraines, and his serial cheating.

 

But geez, how could I be so blind and stupid....

[Spotme]

Yes, WH lost nearly 50 lbs in the first half of the affair (14 months total for EA and PA) and just barely hung on to his weight after that. He looked like a scarecrow. (At one point he ran into someone he hadn't seen in several months and they couldn't hide their shock - everyone else who saw him frequently was like "Enough, Dude, eat a hamburger.") He barely ate and when he did he had, ahem, digestive issues. He also stopped sleeping. All of this was very believably attributed to a ridiculously high pressure job at an insane company. I believed him and kept begging him to leave there and trying to make his life outside pressure-free and perfect. Stupid me.

 

Are you blaming your husband for not seeing your distress? If so, I have to tell you the one thing I've learned above all others is that unless you say things out loud and get back that your partner clearly understands you, you cannot assume they know what's going on or even that there is a problem. Talk to your husband. Your body is telling you that you are not all good with your actions, however you may be rationalizing them, so do something about it.

[TooAttached]

I have not been able to sleep well for the whole time I've been in the EA. The funny thing is that OM has been aware of my sleep issue but never realized it was probably due to him. (We have not ever used the term EA, and he just seems to think we're good friends who could have been more). He and my H believe it is work stress related. I also lost weight but not sure if this is also stress related or because I have been putting in more effort to look good ( for OM, as in textbook cases).

[rae_lana]

I often read things similar to this on the OW/OM board sometimes in the general idea of "How does the BS not know??"

 

The thing is, I've had other partners in the course of my life who got sick. Who got stressed about work. Who panicked, who had terrible headaches, who were irritable, etc. Who gained and lost weight. NONE of them were cheating. Thats why it never occurred to me to connect the dots between my current xbf's stomach pains and migraines, and his serial cheating.

 

But geez, how could I be so blind and stupid....

 

I in NO way was trying to imply a person would be stupid to not put that together.. A year ago I never would have either.

 

That's why cheaters don't trust people i guess.

[ladydesigner]

My WH was actually spitting up blood during his A. He was always very tired and cranky and would often verbally lash out at me or the kids.

[Bryanp]

Good grief. This is the ultimate in humiliation for your spouses. All 4 of you have been going out together while you humiliate your spouse socializing with the cheating spouses. How can you not know how terrible this is? How would you like it if your husband humiliated and disrespected you in such a manner. I would suggest if you wish to have any hope staying married:

1. Get tested for STD's.

2. Confess to your husband

3. Give your husband a timeline

4. Write a no contact letter to the OM

5. Get marriage counseling as soon as possible.

 

This will be very difficult since each of the betrayed spouses will feel humiliated by your actions and the other cheating spouse. They will feel that you played them for absolute fools and were laughing at them behind their backs.

This will all probably end very badly for all involved but surely you must have know this going in. Your symptoms are probably massive guilt and knowing that your future will probably be changing in a very negative way. What you have done to your betrayed spouses all socializing together is beyond cruel and heartless. How could you not know this?

[rae_lana]

Good grief. This is the ultimate in humiliation for your spouses. All 4 of you have been going out together while you humiliate your spouse socializing with the cheating spouses. How can you not know how terrible this is? How would you like it if your husband humiliated and disrespected you in such a manner. I would suggest if you wish to have any hope staying married:

1. Get tested for STD's.

2. Confess to your husband

3. Give your husband a timeline

4. Write a no contact letter to the OM

5. Get marriage counseling as soon as possible.

 

This will be very difficult since each of the betrayed spouses will feel humiliated by your actions and the other cheating spouse. They will feel that you played them for absolute fools and were laughing at them behind their backs.

This will all probably end very badly for all involved but surely you must have know this going in. Your symptoms are probably massive guilt and knowing that your future will probably be changing in a very negative way. What you have done to your betrayed spouses all socializing together is beyond cruel and heartless. How could you not know this?

 

I've accepted it's terrible and there's no way around it.

 

There is no STD risk..

 

I do know it needs to be ended.. My entire body and mind are revolting on me.. I know. I'm moving in that direction.

[Bryanp]

Hello again,

 

This is a big step in that you have acknowledge it and want to stop the affair.

 

I would suggest that you write out a letter to your husband saying everything you wish to say and how sorry you are. I would suggest that you give him the letter with just the two of you present and ask him not to ask anything until he has has read the letter completely.

 

It is absolutely essential that you confess first and not let your husband find out later on his own. All of your systems will disappear and you will feel that a weight has been lifted off your back. The fact that you do not have to worry about STD's indicates that there was not a full blown sexual affair. You are very lucky and more than likely will allow your husband to heal from this much quicker. I do wish you luck. You are doing the right thing in stopping this affair and confessing to your husband. You either have a marriage based on honesty and respect or lies and disrespect. Do the right thing. Your marriage can still be saved.

 

One last thing. You may wish to ask yourself if your cheating OM was so great then why was he willing to trash his own marriage and be willing to trash your marriage as well. He does not sound so great to me. Time for you to move out of the fog.

[bentleychic]

Nothing that I didn't have before the A at various times.

[Artie Lang]

these are the physical manifestations of your guilt over the betrayal you are inflicting on you husband and your so-called "friend".

 

you really should consider telling your husband, or this thing will eat you up alive. stop this nonsense and rid yourself of this burden once and for all- TELL THE TRUTH!

[rae_lana]

Hello again,

 

This is a big step in that you have acknowledge it and want to stop the affair.

 

I would suggest that you write out a letter to your husband saying everything you wish to say and how sorry you are. I would suggest that you give him the letter with just the two of you present and ask him not to ask anything until he has has read the letter completely.

 

It is absolutely essential that you confess first and not let your husband find out later on his own. All of your systems will disappear and you will feel that a weight has been lifted off your back. The fact that you do not have to worry about STD's indicates that there was not a full blown sexual affair. You are very lucky and more than likely will allow your husband to heal from this much quicker. I do wish you luck. You are doing the right thing in stopping this affair and confessing to your husband. You either have a marriage based on honesty and respect or lies and disrespect. Do the right thing. Your marriage can still be saved.

 

One last thing. You may wish to ask yourself if your cheating OM was so great then why was he willing to trash his own marriage and be willing to trash your marriage as well. He does not sound so great to me. Time for you to move out of the fog.

 

It's definitely been a physical affair. I say there is no STD risk because we were both tested, and only had sex once and protected. But we have done a lot of other things our spouses would say are still basically sex.

 

It's hard to explain the timeline of this affair, but without one doubt in my mind there would be no chance of reconciliation with my husband if he knew about it.