Being bothered by small little things your gf does. Is it normal. Is it jealousy?

[IAmRobot]

So today out of the blue, my gf tells me that a random guy paid for her coffee on the Starbucks line, because he was in a good mood.

 

Honestly I got a bit bothered by this, especially since the way she was saying it was in a very proud/happy way.

 

I told her, I was jealous (in a funny teasing way), but the reality was that it bothered me for real a little bit. Hence I started being a bit more reserved (meaning not super-affectionate like we usually are), for an hr or 2.

 

My question is - is there a problem in this? I know for the life of me, my gf would never cheat on me and I absolutely do trust her, but sometimes I just get bothered by these little things (this case, or when a male friend of hers who likes her, was joking around about them going on a date)... I wouldn't call it full blown jealousy, since I can always control it and I never "objectively" think that she would do anything stupid.

 

Nevertheless I feel like sometimes it just might be crossing some boundary and she might have been pissed if tables were reversed... so why shouldnt I...

[Dallers]

So today out of the blue, my gf tells me that a random guy paid for her coffee on the Starbucks line, because he was in a good mood.

 

Honestly I got a bit bothered by this, especially since the way she was saying it was in a very proud/happy way.

 

I told her, I was jealous (in a funny teasing way), but the reality was that it bothered me for real a little bit. Hence I started being a bit more reserved (meaning not super-affectionate like we usually are), for an hr or 2.

 

My question is - is there a problem in this? I know for the life of me, my gf would never cheat on me and I absolutely do trust her, but sometimes I just get bothered by these little things (this case, or when a male friend of hers who likes her, was joking around about them going on a date)... I wouldn't call it full blown jealousy, since I can always control it and I never "objectively" think that she would do anything stupid.

 

Nevertheless I feel like sometimes it just might be crossing some boundary and she might have been pissed if tables were reversed... so why shouldnt I...

 

If this bothers you god help you if you ever get cheated on and done over like most of us have. A bit of jealousy is refreshing and shows you care this kind of thing is way over the top. Take pride in knowing that other men take interest in your girlfriend even though you know that she will end up in your bed at the end of the day and not his.

 

Grow a pair and behave as if you are the leader of the pack not the follower buying your girl a drink in a coffee shop which means nothing.

[pteromom]

I think it is normal, especially in early stages of a relationship when trust is still being built.

 

But SHOWING your jealousy just leads to her not telling you when a guy pays for her coffee because she doesn't want to deal with your reaction.

 

So do not show your jealousy. Eventually, since your gf will be able to be open and honest with you, your heart will come to realize she is trustworthy and you'll take other guys showing her attention as a compliment, not a threat. Damn right you have great taste in a woman.

[IAmRobot]

I think it is normal, especially in early stages of a relationship when trust is still being built.

 

But SHOWING your jealousy just leads to her not telling you when a guy pays for her coffee because she doesn't want to deal with your reaction.

 

So do not show your jealousy. Eventually, since your gf will be able to be open and honest with you, your heart will come to realize she is trustworthy and you'll take other guys showing her attention as a compliment, not a threat. Damn right you have great taste in a woman.

 

I agree, I always try to keep an open mind and withhold the botherings to myself.

 

My problem is that it's somehow ingrained in me that it might be "disrespectful". It's really not about her cheating. I think what really bothers me is that she had good words for the guy "he was such a nice person". If she had been like ("another free drink"), I wouldn't care at all. Again it's not about what happened, it's about how she handled it, how happy she was about it and her thought process. The thought process of 'A random guy was soo nice'. Mingling with random guys at a coffee store is just something I don't find attractive, especially if the guys are starting the interaction and my girl does nothing to stop it.

[todreaminblue]

I agree, I always try to keep an open mind and withhold the botherings to myself.

 

My problem is that it's somehow ingrained in me that it might be "disrespectful". It's really not about her cheating. I think what really bothers me is that she had good words for the guy "he was such a nice person". If she had been like ("another free drink"), I wouldn't care at all. Again it's not about what happened, it's about how she handled it, how happy she was about it and her thought process. The thought process of 'A random guy was soo nice'. Mingling with random guys at a coffee store is just something I don't find attractive, especially if the guys are starting the interaction and my girl does nothing to stop it.

 

 

I have been the recipient of random acts of kindness i would liek to explain for you my perspective on what happens when you are a recipient of such an act.....

 

firstly,

she wonders why,

 

she may take a step back unsure of intentions,a bit wary

 

your girl realizes with a dash of wonder, there is no intention other than to be nice,

your gf smiles,

 

someone just made her day and that smile stays....with a renewed sense of faith in the goodness of people in general.....

it wasnt another free drink

it was simply and beautifully

A RANDOM ACT of KINDNESS,

 

so her day moves on

 

 

she walks to the bus stop, the world seems a little brighter she is not sure why it just does, she sees a mother struggling with a child and a pram...she smiles and you know what......

 

your girl helps that mother and passes that random kindness thing on...

 

your girl comes home to you and says

 

 

"guess what happened" with a huge smile on her face......partner(you) endeavours to try it for himself just to see what happens and the circle of touching others hearts begins

 

dont beat it ....join it....

 

never knock a random act of kindness they do change the world for the better .....deb a giver and many times receiver and full believer in the art of random kindness...pass it on....good luck.....and have fun...deb

Edited September 9, 2013 by todreaminblue

[pteromom]

never knock a random act of kindness they do change the world for the better .....deb a giver and many times receiver and full believer in the art of random kindness...pass it on....good luck.....and have fun...deb

 

I think this is idealistic, but you are very very sweet.

[pteromom]

My problem is that it's somehow ingrained in me that it might be "disrespectful". It's really not about her cheating. I think what really bothers me is that she had good words for the guy "he was such a nice person". If she had been like ("another free drink"), I wouldn't care at all. Again it's not about what happened, it's about how she handled it, how happy she was about it and her thought process. The thought process of 'A random guy was soo nice'. Mingling with random guys at a coffee store is just something I don't find attractive, especially if the guys are starting the interaction and my girl does nothing to stop it.

 

It is difficult for me to even answer this, because it is so foreign to the way I think. It's not disrespectful. Being faithful and honest doesn't require someone goes into the world with your name tattooed on her face.

 

What - when a guy pays for her coffee, she's supposed to say "No thanks, I have a boyfriend." (What if it WAS just a random act of kindness? Then she comes off looking like an ass.) Or instead of saying it was nice, she is supposed to say "What a jerk. Did he actually think he could get somewhere with me by buying me coffee? Oh and he was UGLY too! Hahahhaha!"

 

This all comes back to your own insecurity. Not her lack of "respect". Somewhere inside, maybe you feel like she was secretly attracted to this guy at Starbucks. That she'd rather be with him than you. That he had something you don't.

 

You have to trust her. And more than that, you have to trust your own worth. That you are a good boyfriend, and if she runs off with a guy who buys her coffee, that she's a fool and you are better off without her anyway.

[IAmRobot]

I have been the recipient of random acts of kindness i would liek to explain for you my perspective on what happens when you are a recipient of such an act.....

 

firstly,

you wonder why,

 

you take a step back unsure of intentions,

 

you realize with a dash fo wnder, ther eis no intention other than to eb nice,

you smile,

 

someoen just made your day and that smile stays....with a renewed sense fo faith in peopel in genral.....

it wasnt another free drink

it was simply and beautifully

A RANDOM ACT of KINDNESS,

 

you walk to the bus stop, th eworld seems a littl ebrighter you are nto sure why it just does, you see a mother struggling with a child and a pram...you smile and you know what......

 

you help and pass that random kindness thing on...

 

you go hoem to yrou partner you say

 

 

"guess what happened" with a huge smile on your face......partner(your girl) or recipient of act of kindness, endeavours to try it for himself(that would be you) just to see what happens and the circle of touching others hearts begins

 

dont beat it ....join it....

 

never knock a random act of kindness they do change the world for the better .....deb a giver and many times receiver and full believer in the art of random kindness...pass it on....good luck.....and have fun...deb

 

I understand. My question though is... where is the boundary. I believe in sharing and caring and all that. Believe me especially before I got in a relationship I would try to give goodness to everyone.

 

But now... where does the boundary lay? If this is a good person, trying to do good, then maybe you'll get to know him, after all why not get to know a good person. And if he's a good person, maybe he'll become your good friend, or maybe you'll try to do some good too and give him lunch too. He'll be your lunch buddy, perfect. Oh wait, now that he's your good friend maybe you'll go fingerpainting with him at his place, it's fun and this guy is a good guy. No way this could be harmful to your relationship. And then you're alone with this guy at his place and nothing seems off really. Everything seems really normal. You never had any sexual thoughts for this person...

 

Can you tell me in the above story, where was the boundary broken? Clearly everything is a huge gray area. But why put yourself in a gray area spot to begin with.

 

And yes, IMO, accepting a coffee from a stranger and mingling with him is a gray area. The point where she tells me that stepping into this gray area was "so good", I get a little bit upset. Yeah, you stepped in this gray area. That's fine. But if it makes you so happy, then maybe you shouldn't be with me at all, but be in a permanent gray area.

 

I'm overinflating things a little bit, for the sake of argument, but I hope I get my point across.

[pteromom]

But now... where does the boundary lay? If this is a good person, trying to do good, then maybe you'll get to know him, after all why not get to know a good person. And if he's a good person, maybe he'll become your good friend, or maybe you'll try to do some good too and give him lunch too. He'll be your lunch buddy, perfect. Oh wait, now that he's your good friend maybe you'll go fingerpainting with him at his place, it's fun and this guy is a good guy. No way this could be harmful to your relationship. And then you're alone with this guy at his place and nothing seems off really. Everything seems really normal. You never had any sexual thoughts for this person...

 

Can you tell me in the above story, where was the boundary broken? Clearly everything is a huge gray area. But why put yourself in a gray area spot to begin with.

 

And yes, IMO, accepting a coffee from a stranger and mingling with him is a gray area. The point where she tells me that stepping into this gray area was "so good", I get a little bit upset. Yeah, you stepped in this gray area. That's fine. But if it makes you so happy, then maybe you shouldn't be with me at all, but be in a permanent gray area.

 

I don't think accepting a cup of coffee from a stranger is even a LITTLE BIT of a gray area. Going from accepting a cup of coffee to a friendship is a big stretch though. That would require exchanging numbers or making a future plan, and yes, that could be breaking a boundary.

 

Accepting the coffee is a PASSIVE action.

 

Deciding to pursue a friendship is an ACTIVE action.

 

Big difference.

[IAmRobot]

It is difficult for me to even answer this, because it is so foreign to the way I think. It's not disrespectful. Being faithful and honest doesn't require someone goes into the world with your name tattooed on her face.

 

What - when a guy pays for her coffee, she's supposed to say "No thanks, I have a boyfriend." (What if it WAS just a random act of kindness? Then she comes off looking like an ass.) Or instead of saying it was nice, she is supposed to say "What a jerk. Did he actually think he could get somewhere with me by buying me coffee? Oh and he was UGLY too! Hahahhaha!"

 

This all comes back to your own insecurity. Not her lack of "respect". Somewhere inside, maybe you feel like she was secretly attracted to this guy at Starbucks. That she'd rather be with him than you. That he had something you don't.

 

You have to trust her. And more than that, you have to trust your own worth. That you are a good boyfriend, and if she runs off with a guy who buys her coffee, that she's a fool and you are better off without her anyway.

 

Again please read the above post.

 

I am really not concerned about her running away. I just find the whole thing a gray area (just like the example of a coworker of hers joking about taking her on a date).

 

If a random person wants to buy me something, I have two options accept or not. But either way, it's not gonna change my day, or make me super happy. I'll just view as something normal, just like oh - the "barista" at starbucks told me please and thank you when taking my order. It's nothing to make such a big deal of.

 

- She's not supposed to make it look extremely bad ("I have a bf" - "What an idiot"), but she also is not supposed to make it look extremely good ("Yes please" - "Oh what a good person").

Say whatever you want, but if a creepy old man was buying her the coffee, I'm sure she woudn't have accepted. And if she was an old man, then the guy would have probably not bought her the coffee.

 

I think deep inside me, I just find it weird that a random person can make her so happy.

[IAmRobot]

I don't think accepting a cup of coffee from a stranger is even a LITTLE BIT of a gray area. Going from accepting a cup of coffee to a friendship is a big stretch though. That would require exchanging numbers or making a future plan, and yes, that could be breaking a boundary.

 

Accepting the coffee is a PASSIVE action.

 

Deciding to pursue a friendship is an ACTIVE action.

 

Big difference.

 

Depends on the way you see it.

a) Accepting a coffee = saying yes.

b) Giving the guy your phone number = saying yes.

 

Same passive action to me.

Obviously if the guy is smart he won't go from a) to b). There's a bunch of steps in between. introducing himself (which he had done), building more rapport, etc, etc.

[pteromom]

I think deep inside me, I just find it weird that a random person can make her so happy.

 

I think it is weird that you find that weird. Lots of people make me happy throughout my day. Doesn't mean I have any desire to cheat on my husband, or that I would take an opportunity to do so.

 

You can't be everything to her. It's ok for her to just feel good that a stranger bought her a coffee.

 

As I said before, I think it comes back to your own insecurity.

[pteromom]

Depends on the way you see it.

a) Accepting a coffee = saying yes.

b) Giving the guy your phone number = saying yes.

 

Same passive action to me.

Obviously if the guy is smart he won't go from a) to b). There's a bunch of steps in between. introducing himself (which he had done), building more rapport, etc, etc.

 

I don't think it is the same at all. Because accepting a coffee is a final transaction. Giving a phone number is a promise of future interaction. Completely different.

 

And it doesn't really matter how smart the guy is. What matters is that if the guy asks for her phone number, she declines.

[todreaminblue]

I think this is idealistic, but you are very very sweet.

 

 

thanks pteromom, i think you are sweet too,

 

 

it may be idealistic......but with all the trends in the world......would you follow this if that ideal of kindness were reality.....i think this possible trend would rock harder than justien bieber trending i am growing facial hair ...... ...smilin....i can dream..

 

 

.......I hope that random kindness trend might not be an idealistic way to think some time soon in the future, but become a practical way to endeavor change for the better...all chains of possibility start somewhere one link after another....one day ......with faith I guess...the chain will never be broken..hugs ..deb

[pteromom]

thanks pteromom, i think you are sweet too,

 

 

it may be idealistic......but with all the trends in the world......would you follow this if that ideal of kindness were reality.....i think this possible trend would rock harder than justien bieber trending i am growing facial hair ...... ...smilin....i can dream..

 

 

.......I hope that random kindness trend might not be an idealistic way to think but become a practical way to endeavor change for the better...all chains of possibility start somewhere one link after another....one day ......with faith I guess...the chain will never be broken..hugs ..deb

 

Thank you.

 

I agree with you, and I also think that considering it a random act of kindness and a thing of beauty is a much happier way of looking at the world than assuming everyone is out to get something.

 

In reality though, the truth lies somewhere in between.

[todreaminblue]

Thank you.

 

I agree with you, and I also think that considering it a random act of kindness and a thing of beauty is a much happier way of looking at the world than assuming everyone is out to get something.

 

In reality though, the truth lies somewhere in between.

 

In reality though, the truth lies somewhere in between.

 

truth.....totally agree.....

 

 

i do have reality ingrained in this dreamy head somewhere.....anything is possible including.....things that arent so ideal on ulterior motives of others.....I would like to believe it was a random act of kindness..because it is what i want to believe.....live and hope

huge hugs to ya....deb

[pteromom]

truth.....totally agree.....

 

 

i do have reality ingrained in this dreamy head somewhere.....anything is possible including.....things that arent so ideal on ulterior motives of others.....I would like to believe it was a random act of kindness..because it is what i want to believe.....live and hope

huge hugs to ya....deb

 

I think that's a beautiful way to live - as long as you don't allow yourself to be hurt by assuming everyone has the best intentions.

[Quiet Storm]

I think asking her to not accept drinks or gifts from other men is a perfectly reasonable boundary. I also think she should distance herself from male friends that are sexually attracted to her, and definitely speak up if they make jokes about taking her on a date.

 

It is highly unlikely that this coffee guy was just treating her to a coffee to be nice. I think he found your GF attractive and the coffee was a way to initiate contact and test the waters. The guy friend's "jokes" are little tests, as well.

 

I don't think this is about insecurity. I think it is about expectations.

 

You expect your GF to not respond to other man's advances. And you want your girlfriend to be smart enough to recognize when a man is flirting with her.

 

I don't think you are wrong to expect these things. However, its up to you to make these expectations known. Tell her how you feel. She may say you're an insecure control freak. Or she may consider your feelings.

 

I know my husbands feelings matter much more to me than some random guy in a coffee shop thinking I'm rude.

[todreaminblue]

I think that's a beautiful way to live - as long as you don't allow yourself to be hurt by assuming everyone has the best intentions.

 

 

the people who need random acts of kindness, are often the roughest hardest individuals you can meet......they havent ever had it done, always nothing for nothing mentality its how they live.........i was actually one of those because i had to be.......because i went through some tough learnign experiences no one showed heart,kindness, care or concern for me. exactly the opposite..so i can relate to some pretty rugged individuals who are to many lost causes.....

 

 

but i do know about bad intentions and fortunately.....i have not really met someone with intentions i have not already had to deal with........you cant know the true intentions of someone, you have to trust that they like you, have the best intentions until proven other wise because while you are looking at their intentions....they are assessing yours..they dont know you either...someone needs to show kindness first.....or it wont happen at all.......thats human nature....deb

[crederer]

My ex had guys buying her drinks when she was at the bar all the time. Quite clearly they were trying to get in her pants. It didn't bother me, cause she was with me, she came home with me, she didn't do anything inappropriate, and she was a babe, so obviously she was going to get attention.

 

But you know what? She was with me!

[GI_Joy]

I sense a bit of a lack of trust on your part, OP. There are many gray areas that your SO will encounter, it is up to you to trust that she will act accordingly and NOT control her behavior. Although the random act of kindness may not have actually been some sort of pursuit you can use it as a discussion to what your boundaries are.

 

Random people make me happy all the time. ESPECIALLY when they are nice and do unexpected things. For example, a platter of chocolate covered strawberries was delivered to my coworker and I's office last week from the new manager at the cafe on the first floor because she was advertising the new catering services being offered there. Free food/drinks will always brighten my day! But that doesn't mean I care any less about my boyfriend or that my boyfriend isn't making me happy. I think it's kind of self-centered to expect that your SO's only source of happiness should be coming from you.

[IAmRobot]

I think asking her to not accept drinks or gifts from other men is a perfectly reasonable boundary. I also think she should distance herself from male friends that are sexually attracted to her, and definitely speak up if they make jokes about taking her on a date.

 

It is highly unlikely that this coffee guy was just treating her to a coffee to be nice. I think he found your GF attractive and the coffee was a way to initiate contact and test the waters. The guy friend's "jokes" are little tests, as well.

 

I don't think this is about insecurity. I think it is about expectations.

 

You expect your GF to not respond to other man's advances. And you want your girlfriend to be smart enough to recognize when a man is flirting with her.

 

I don't think you are wrong to expect these things. However, its up to you to make these expectations known. Tell her how you feel. She may say you're an insecure control freak. Or she may consider your feelings.

 

I know my husbands feelings matter much more to me than some random guy in a coffee shop thinking I'm rude.

 

Fortunately or not, this is exactly how I see it. The coffee buying was definitely not a big deal, neither did I want to make it a big deal.

 

I talked to her yesterday about it in a very calm manner. In a way it wasn't a big deal, but I'd rather state my boundaries for some reason.

 

My gf is very good looking, so it's just hard to tell her to not have friends who are attracted to her - as long as they don't cross boundaries I'm usually and/or make avances I'm OK. That would mean pretty much - don't have any guy friends. She has a few, who she sees once a week or so, so I'm not too concerned, but definitely some may tell me I'm controlling. I just say - I care enough about my relationship to always enforce and reiterate boundaries once in a while.

[IAmRobot]

I sense a bit of a lack of trust on your part, OP. There are many gray areas that your SO will encounter, it is up to you to trust that she will act accordingly and NOT control her behavior. Although the random act of kindness may not have actually been some sort of pursuit you can use it as a discussion to what your boundaries are.

 

Random people make me happy all the time. ESPECIALLY when they are nice and do unexpected things. For example, a platter of chocolate covered strawberries was delivered to my coworker and I's office last week from the new manager at the cafe on the first floor because she was advertising the new catering services being offered there. Free food/drinks will always brighten my day! But that doesn't mean I care any less about my boyfriend or that my boyfriend isn't making me happy. I think it's kind of self-centered to expect that your SO's only source of happiness should be coming from you.

 

There is a bit of lack of trust because of prior stuff we've gone through. We both know it and work on it, but it takes time.

 

As for the -not up to me to control her behavior-. I'm not telling her what to do or not, I'm just stating what I think is good for me and what might affect me and us, then it's up to her to make a decision.

 

I.e. if she comes to me very confident saying a guy buying me a coffee/drinks is what she wants. She'll always let guys buy her drinks. She won't let them them get her phone #. Then everything's OK, but that way I know to relax boundaries a bit, to not be so conservative on my own when talking to other girls and to not invest as much in general in this relationship.

 

All the talks about relationship being two independent people coming together... Well if you were so independent then you would be ****ing other people too? Boundaries are up to a couple to set and the looser the boundaries the less investment there is in the relationship itself. All this theoretical masturbation - to say that all I want is to understand how much I should invest / not invest.

 

Cheers,

[acrosstheuniverse]

A guy bought me a drink in a coffee shop once because I'd held the door open for him in a shop a few minutes ago and he recognised me (I always hold doors open for people, but I guess he was a bit of a distance away further than most people would wait, I could see he was heading towards the shop though so waited those few extra seconds).

 

Never saw him again, never swapped names. No attraction on my part, can't speak for him. I've given fellow patrons some change before when they've realised they're short for their drink. I've had a lady give me £1 while in line because the coffee shop card machine was broken and I couldn't pay on my card.

 

You're reading into it too much. So what if the guy thought she was hot and bought her a drink? She got a free drink out of it! She didn't befriend him. She TOLD YOU. She was happy because a random act of kindness lit her day up. Random strangers can totally make me very happy depending on what they do. I hope I make the days of random strangers very happy when I go out of my way to do a good deed, or through my charity work.

 

You sound very insecure, if my bf had a problem with a stranger buying me a drink in those circumstances I would be seeing huge red flags and hearing clanging alarm bells. You sound like you want to keep her in a little box. Your response should have been 'cool, what a lovely surprise!' or 'aww, he found my girl sexy? And so he should, 'cos you are...' ANYTHING other than getting bent out of shape. That just makes you look like you believe you're inferior to him, or any other man that might show her attention. And men will ALWAYS show women attention.

[pteromom]

ANYTHING other than getting bent out of shape. That just makes you look like you believe you're inferior to him, or any other man that might show her attention. And men will ALWAYS show women attention.

 

Well said.

 

It makes it look like you're worried about Random Coffee Guy.

 

Boundaries are up to a couple to set and the looser the boundaries the less investment there is in the relationship itself.

 

Ohhh, I so disagree with this. The looser the boundaries, the more TRUST is shown. I don't believe in ever imposing boundaries on another adult. Sure, as a couple you talk about what is and isn't ok with you, and you make an agreement to be faithful. But you have to trust that she's an adult, she's loyal to you, and she can handle the men of the world who will come on to her without being untrue to you.