Being bothered by small little things your gf does. Is it normal. Is it jealousy?

[acrosstheuniverse]

Ohhh, I so disagree with this. The looser the boundaries, the more TRUST is shown.

 

I agree entirely. Who's more committed and invested, the guy/girl who does as they're told because they will be in for a world of pain if they disobey, or the guy/girl who knows that they have complete freedom to act how they see fit, and are trusted to always respect the integrity of their relationship?

 

Being trusted makes me feel loved. Trusting my boyfriend feels much more loving than being suspicious and jealous and trying to tell him what he can and cannot do, as though he's a child.

 

It boils down to this: if somebody wants to cheat, they will cheat, whether you've 'boundarised' everything to death or not.

[pteromom]

 

It boils down to this: if somebody wants to cheat, they will cheat, whether you've 'boundarised' everything to death or not.

 

That is a fact.

 

And when you treat someone like a child who you have to enforce boundaries upon, they tend to do what children with strict parents do - rebel.

[IAmRobot]

It boils down to this: if somebody wants to cheat, they will cheat, whether you've 'boundarised' everything to death or not.

 

The question becomes what is cheating.

 

And if 'the looser the boundaries the more trust'.... why do monogamous relationship even exist? Looser looser, you wouldn't have a problem if your bf went and ****ed some other girl would you? Oh wait you would? Aren't you being a little insecure now, thinking that she might be better than you? You shouldn't, you should just be confident and let him sleep with other people...

 

Like I said - I don't want her to be in a little-box. I want our expectations to be the same, creating a balance in our relationship. It's about relationship management I think. If a disbalance is created (by a person investing less than another), then the relationship will crumble sooo fast.

I.e. try this - One partner leaves their options open (me) - Other partner closes their options (ex gf). You'll see how fast things deteriorate as one of the partners becomes more needy because of the lack of balance, and the other one just takes them for granted (Yes I took my ex for granted).

 

And your "looser the boundaries" the more trust..... I just simply don't agree with this. I used to, before I got into a REAL relationship. I used to believe that anyone could do anything, my ex could even sleep at a guys place and as long as she'd tell me they didn't sleep together then I'd be OK... Truth be told I didn't really care and that is why I was OK with it.

[IAmRobot]

And when you treat someone like a child who you have to enforce boundaries upon, they tend to do what children with strict parents do - rebel.

 

This is another false statement.

 

Children with strict parents but loose society rebel.

 

You could go into any "strict" countries where it's normal for people to have strict parents and believe me noone rebels.

 

It's all about what you see as normal.

[pteromom]

This is another false statement.

 

Children with strict parents but loose society rebel.

 

You could go into any "strict" countries where it's normal for people to have strict parents and believe me noone rebels.

 

It's all about what you see as normal.

 

We aren't in a strict country though. We are in a country that places great value on freedom. If you want to call that a loose society, fine.

[pteromom]

The question becomes what is cheating.

 

And if 'the looser the boundaries the more trust'.... why do monogamous relationship even exist? Looser looser, you wouldn't have a problem if your bf went and ****ed some other girl would you? Oh wait you would? Aren't you being a little insecure now, thinking that she might be better than you? You shouldn't, you should just be confident and let him sleep with other people...

 

There is a difference between SELF management, and someone imposing their values on you. If two people want to be in a monogamous relationship, and they both have integrity, there would be no ****ing of other girls.

 

Like I said - I don't want her to be in a little-box. I want our expectations to be the same, creating a balance in our relationship.

 

This is fine - AS LONG AS her values are considered as well when creating these expectations. Obviously she doesn't think a stranger buying her coffee is a big deal. And if I were in your shoes, I would just really think about whether it IS enough of a big deal to make a "boundary" around.

 

I.e. try this - One partner leaves their options open (me) - Other partner closes their options (ex gf). You'll see how fast things deteriorate as one of the partners becomes more needy because of the lack of balance, and the other one just takes them for granted (Yes I took my ex for granted).

 

Nobody is saying anything about creating double standards or one person giving more than the other though.

 

And your "looser the boundaries" the more trust..... I just simply don't agree with this. I used to, before I got into a REAL relationship.

 

It's funny you say that, because I used to believe more like you do until I was in real relationships, and I saw that cheaters always cheat no matter how tightly I clung to them, and it just wasn't necessary to create rules for those who wouldn't cheat.

[aussietigerwolf]

what did she say when you told her how much this bothers you?

[IAmRobot]

There is a difference between SELF management, and someone imposing their values on you. If two people want to be in a monogamous relationship, and they both have integrity, there would be no ****ing of other girls..

Ok but is kissing OK? (for some boundaries it would), is flirting OK (for some it would), is going on dates with other people OK, is being at someone's place OK? is cuddling with someone else OK? You see how it's not so easy to say - well cheaters are gonna cheat, when you don't even set what cheating is.

 

This is fine - AS LONG AS her values are considered as well when creating these expectations. Obviously she doesn't think a stranger buying her coffee is a big deal.

Yes and that's why I'm saying that talking about it is KEY - talking is different from me imposing values on her. I tell my side of the story she tells hers. We come to a common agreement that hopefully will satisfy both people. Maybe she is right (and probably she is), there's nothing wrong with people buying her coffees or even drinks. My question initially was am I in the wrong for even raising up this conversation.

Not if she should or shouldn't.

 

Nobody is saying anything about creating double standards or one person giving more than the other though.

I thought the whole topic is surrounded on this. I'll let you in a hint my gf is pretty jealous.

 

It's funny you say that, because I used to believe more like you do until I was in real relationships, and I saw that cheaters always cheat no matter how tightly I clung to them, and it just wasn't necessary to create rules for those who wouldn't cheat.

 

But again it's not about cheating - it's about creating a disbalance....

[IAmRobot]

what did she say when you told her how much this bothers you?

 

I didn't say how much it bothered me. (It's not that much)

But I phrased it wrongly saying that I didn't like if she were to mingle with other guys at coffee shops (in a calm manner).

 

She raised her voice for a second saying there was no interaction at all between them (apparently I had read a few txts she sent me wrongly).

 

I calmed her down saying we're just talking constructively, there's no reason to scream. She brought up some of her own insecurities. We then made love like animals. So yeah that was it.

[chucksagent]

IamRobot - you have good instincts...don't doubt them. You Nailed it my friend...I have been saying this FOREVER!!!

 

Women tend to lack the ability to "put themselves in our shoes." And the irony is, a WOMAN buying YOU a cup of coffee would honestly be 100X more innocent than a MAN buying your girlfriend a cup of coffee. Cause women aren't ALWAYS trying to get action unlike men.

 

I wish women would stop worrying about the "exception" to the rule and focus on THE RULE. Majority of the time, if a guy does something nice, he wants something more...most guys will agree with that...MOST, NOT ALL!!!

 

Women like the attention, and that's why they don't curb that behavior. And I know this because of honest women telling me AND seeing random honest women and how they behave.

 

How simple is this - "Thank you for the coffee, it's one less coffee my boyfriend has to buy me! He will be thrilled!" Or "Oh wow, thanks for the coffee. My boyfriend has that exact same shirt!" I've seen soooooooooo many women do this to kinda CHECK the guy right at the door. You will hear women say "This is mean, why do this?" Hilariously enough, they don't mind doing it when they are single to avoid gross guys they don't wanna talk to.

 

Bottom line - you're feelings are 100% legit and anyone who says otherwise is an idealistic hippie. And you are SOOOO right about if shoe was on the other foot, your girlfriend would be throwing a tantrum. Unfortunately brother, it doesn't get MUCH better even when you get older. Women will find EVERY EXCUSE IN THE BOOK to accept kind words or acts. "What was I supposed to do?" or "I wasn't thinking/didn't think to mention I had a boyfriend." etc. etc. etc. So annoying...

[acrosstheuniverse]

The question becomes what is cheating.

 

Like I said - I don't want her to be in a little-box. I want our expectations to be the same, creating a balance in our relationship. It's about relationship management I think. If a disbalance is created (by a person investing less than another), then the relationship will crumble sooo fast.

 

Yes, everyone has different boundaries. If your girlfriend socialising with the opposite gender in a coffee shop bothers you, I really do suggest you look into therapy. You will never be happy in a relationships as you'll always be fearful and angry, and you'll always feel as though you're being let down as nobody can live up to that level of being controlled.

 

Either way, clearly you have different boundaries. She doesn't think coffeegate is an issue at all, you do. Maybe she'll adjust her behaviour but I'll be surprised if she doesn't end up resenting you over it.

[chucksagent]

acrosstheuniverse - So you are confident that his girlfriend (or most women for that matter) would have NO PROBLEM with him accepting free drinks and talking with a single hot girl in a coffee shop?

 

You think he could go home, smile and laugh, and tell her about how this hot and sexy female bought him drinks and they talked and laughed, and his girlfriend would smile back and say "good for you honey, glad you had a good day."

 

Man, people on this site need to get with the program. This isn't utopia people...I wish people were like that...but most women I've seen would NOT have been please....hilarious hahah trying to make the OP sound crazy...textbook love shack forums against ANYTHING remotely looking like controlling or jealous behavior...

[IAmRobot]

acrosstheuniverse - So you are confident that his girlfriend (or most women for that matter) would have NO PROBLEM with him accepting free drinks and talking with a single hot girl in a coffee shop?

 

You think he could go home, smile and laugh, and tell her about how this hot and sexy female bought him drinks and they talked and laughed, and his girlfriend would smile back and say "good for you honey, glad you had a good day."

 

Man, people on this site need to get with the program. This isn't utopia people...I wish people were like that...but most women I've seen would NOT have been please....hilarious hahah trying to make the OP sound crazy...textbook love shack forums against ANYTHING remotely looking like controlling or jealous behavior...

 

Strongly agree with this.

 

Acrosstheuniverse - Not having the same view on boundaries and what you want from a partner doesn't mean I'm stupid and you're smart -.-'.

 

It just means, I'll find someone with my same views and you'll find someone with your views. You'll find someone who is gonna flirt around and (maybe) come home to you. I'll find someone who's dedicated to me and doesn't need external attention / gratification. I'm not judging you, so why discriminate me?

 

Views/opinions do not make you controlling. The actions followed after do. If I were to go and tell my gf that she needs to not do this anymore period, cuz that's what I say, then I'd be controlling. But if I give her the sole piece of info that I am a bit bothered by this, she can do whatever she wants after taking into account how I feel about a certain thing.

 

Idk how is talking constructively about a topic being controlling/jealous...

[giblesp]

If she's trustworthy, she was probably flattered in a non sexual way that she was being bought coffee. It meant that she was attractive in public, a feeling many women like to have.

If that's the case the fact that it meant so much to her, that she had to tell you, indicate that she's insecure. She does need to discriminate what to tell you, she probably wouldn't want to know if another girl bought you something, and you were smiling about it.

 

Saying that, todreaminblue makes a good point, she could just have been pleased and happy with a random act of kindness. In my experience though, there are few people out there who don't flirt behind their partners back.

 

Have a chat with you GF about it.

Edited September 13, 2013 by giblesp

[chucksagent]

Giblesp - Well said all around. I hate to agree, I fear most people flirt behind their partners backs too...even the good significant others. And it happens for a number of reasons...

 

1) People are selfish

2) People suck

3) People need reassurance

4) Flirting is fun

5) ***this is the BIG one*** Friendly people in general can be punished because being friendly CAN AT TIMES come across as flirty...ESPECIALLY when the female or male involved (that isn't in the committed relationship) is hot or sexy.

 

i.e....Here is a good example...when I would go to the deli counter before I was married and get my lunch meat, I would ALWAYS laugh and joke with the old ladies working in the deli...they were all 35 years older than me and not attractive physically to me. HOWEVER, if I behaved that SAME EXACT way to a sexy woman, my wife (and most people) would find it EXTREMELY flirtatious.

 

Take my wife for example...she is VERY down to earth and VERY fun. (why I fell for her)...She was your classic diamond in the rough aka late bloomer. When she was young she was average looking so she developed brains and a sense of humor...she got hot in college and therefore isn't the type of hot girl who is used to special treatment and people falling all over her. She treats EVERYONE the same...old people, family, friends, etc. And BECAUSE she is very attractive, it just LOOKS different if she's A) Joking with a female friend of hers B.) Joking with a not attractive male friend of mine or C.) Joking with an attractive male friend of mine. D.) Joking with my grandfather.

 

I can honestly tell you in situations A. B. and D. I am TOTALLY fine with my wife's behavior. But in C. (and I realize it's unfair to feel this way) I feel slightly jealous and like she's flirting with them. And I can EASILY say based on all the facts, that she isn't; shes treating them EXACTLY how she treats everyone else. But it's just the way the world is...

 

There are lots of ins and outs and what have yous in life...so for people to persecute you OP is ridiculous. You're just being honest to yourself and you want to be honest with your SO. If she'd rather tel you no, that she likes special attention, then Giblesp is probably right, she probably likes attention and isn't worth the time (attention whores will take you for a ride my friend)...but...if she's just a naive, innocent, kind person who GENUINELY thought this was just a "random" nice act...she needs to be told how men operate.

[chucksagent]

You wonder why some hot women are so rude and standoffish...THIS is why...Men will think that ANY SHOWING WHATSOEVER of interest or affection, means they should pursue. It's how most men are wired. "Shucks, she talked to me and let me buy her a coffee! Now I just need to ask her out or talk to her some more." That's seriously how most dudes brains work. THIS is why you shouldn't accept such behavior UNLESS it's follow by a DIRECT mention of boyfriend or husband.

[giblesp]

My GF will also give the same sort of attention and affection to everyone. She is also a very attractive but very down to Earth woman. I wouldn't want her to compromise this, but it can become an issue when some men take it as an indicator that she's open to more, when from her point of view she is being open as she is to everyone.

 

Women sometimes might have to be rude and standoffish, but maybe just mentioning the fact that she's taken would prevent the other person from misunderstanding. My GF will mention me in the early stages of communication, and remain open and friendly. That tends to solve most problems and if the man's worth talking to he'll know not to go there out of respect.

 

I think its important to be yourself, if you're joking with the older ladies in a shop, then yeah you should be able to joke with the younger ladies as well. If there is no intention of being flirtatious, then there's no problem.

 

From the description you gave of your wife, it sounds like she was just being friendly and if you feel you can trust her, then that's the main thing.

[chucksagent]

Giblesp - Correct. However, it is nice when in a possibly threatening situation, for the woman to drop a mention of boyfriend, fiancée, or husband...as you said...otherwise, ya gotta rely on trust.

[piggyoink]

My GF will mention me in the early stages of communication, and remain open and friendly. That tends to solve most problems and if the man's worth talking to he'll know not to go there out of respect.

 

That sounds good, to be polite, and not behave as the property of someone.

[stillafool]

So today out of the blue, my gf tells me that a random guy paid for her coffee on the Starbucks line, because he was in a good mood.

 

Honestly I got a bit bothered by this, especially since the way she was saying it was in a very proud/happy way.

 

I told her, I was jealous (in a funny teasing way), but the reality was that it bothered me for real a little bit. Hence I started being a bit more reserved (meaning not super-affectionate like we usually are), for an hr or 2.

 

My question is - is there a problem in this? I know for the life of me, my gf would never cheat on me and I absolutely do trust her, but sometimes I just get bothered by these little things (this case, or when a male friend of hers who likes her, was joking around about them going on a date)... I wouldn't call it full blown jealousy, since I can always control it and I never "objectively" think that she would do anything stupid.

 

Nevertheless I feel like sometimes it just might be crossing some boundary and she might have been pissed if tables were reversed... so why shouldnt I...

 

I don't know why people feel the need to tell their SO about every guy or girl that hits on them or finds them attractive. I never did that to anyone I dated because it felt like bragging to me and I didn't want to hurt them. When I got hit on I just kept it to myself and smiled. You are right I don't think she would like it if the shoe was on the other foot.