Had another argument over my insecurities....

[lovehurts5]

Last night my boyfriend and I had a lot to drink for football Sunday and we ended up arguing. He works at a fancy restaurant but every Monday there's a dj and it pretty much turns into a club. I told him I wanted to go and he got super angry saying how that's not my scene and he doesn't want me going because he knows ill be insecure and ruin his night at work. I never make a scene or anything publicly regarding my insecurities I just tend to question him to death when were alone and I know this is something I need to work on. Trust has always been something that's been difficult for me but I have been trying to get better but know I still have a long way to go.

Anyways, we ended up talking it out he slept over I made him breakfast all was fine. Then as the day went on he was giving me the cold shoulder and I could tell he was still bothered. So we had another talk about how my insecurities are really getting to him and he can see that killing this relationship. But he did say he loves me so much and doesn't want to break up and is willing to work on it but it needs to stop. So then we were fine again and after spending a couple hours with him today I come home and have texted him a little here and there just as I always do and he's giving me 1 word answers and being cold again. I don't know what more I can do. I already apologized so many times and I really am going to work on things but I don't want him staying angry. I don't know how to get him to snap out of it . And to top it all off his mother invited me to go to his restaurant tonight with her and I have turned her down at least 4 times before so I said I'd go as long as he was ok with it. He said it was fine. But I'm feeling anxious because I'm thinking maybe it's not fine and I don't want to intrude. Ughhh. I'm so down in the dumps....

[The Way I Am]

First, back off and give your bf some space.

 

His reaction sounds kind of extreme for you asking if it's ok to go to the club where he works. You said you've never made a scene. So why does he assume you're going to show up an ruin his night? Do you pull him aside and question the hell out of him? What does he think you're going to do?

 

Why are you insecure? Have you always been insecure in relationships? Is there something about this one that's different? What is it specifically that you question him to death about?

[ExpatInItaly]

First, back off and give your bf some space.

 

His reaction sounds kind of extreme for you asking if it's ok to go to the club where he works. You said you've never made a scene. So why does he assume you're going to show up an ruin his night? Do you pull him aside and question the hell out of him? What does he think you're going to do?

 

Why are you insecure? Have you always been insecure in relationships? Is there something about this one that's different? What is it specifically that you question him to death about?

 

All of this. The context is very important here; give us a little more background info to help us understand

[lovehurts5]

I'm giving him space. I don't think he assumes ill make a scene but he's friendly with a lot of females and I think he feels if I see him talking to them ill get insecure ill confront him later on and it's annoying because I should just trust him enough to know its nothing.

 

I have always been an insecure person since I was little. And my trust issues stem from past relationships (being cheated on, left for someone else) I get worried that hell do the same thing to me. And in the beginning of this relationship a girl contacted me over Facebook saying nothing happened between them but they exchanged numbers and he asked if she wanted to do lunch or get drinks.

 

I don't want to be insecure. More than half the time I'm questioning him I get annoyed with myself.

[pteromom]

I'm giving him space. I don't think he assumes ill make a scene but he's friendly with a lot of females and I think he feels if I see him talking to them ill get insecure ill confront him later on and it's annoying because I should just trust him enough to know its nothing.

 

I have always been an insecure person since I was little. And my trust issues stem from past relationships (being cheated on, left for someone else) I get worried that hell do the same thing to me. And in the beginning of this relationship a girl contacted me over Facebook saying nothing happened between them but they exchanged numbers and he asked if she wanted to do lunch or get drinks.

 

I don't want to be insecure. More than half the time I'm questioning him I get annoyed with myself.

 

I wouldn't want you coming to my work either in this case. If you continue this behavior, you are going to kill your relationship.

 

Although, if he asked someone else out at the beginning of your relationship, perhaps you have reason to feel the way you do. Maybe the reason you've always felt insecure is that you have always chosen untrustworthy partners.

 

You need to put a lot of thought into why you feel so insecure, and if it is truly just you, you need to read books, get counseling, or whatever it takes to learn to let go and trust.

[pteromom]

...and if your boyfriend was here asking, I would tell him to quit giving you a fix by even answering your questions. It's a temporary bandaid for a larger issue.

[todreaminblue]

I'm giving him space. I don't think he assumes ill make a scene but he's friendly with a lot of females and I think he feels if I see him talking to them ill get insecure ill confront him later on and it's annoying because I should just trust him enough to know its nothing.

 

I have always been an insecure person since I was little. And my trust issues stem from past relationships (being cheated on, left for someone else) I get worried that hell do the same thing to me. And in the beginning of this relationship a girl contacted me over Facebook saying nothing happened between them but they exchanged numbers and he asked if she wanted to do lunch or get drinks.

 

I don't want to be insecure. More than half the time I'm questioning him I get annoyed with myself.

 

 

 

therapy would help if you are obsessively questioning.....i have always known this though...if a guy is going to cheat he will cheat whether you are insecure or not....i am not insecure for this reason...there's nothing i can do but trust them until proven guilty........beyond any doubt......guilty...fear is a liar, it twists your heart until your fear destroys what is around you, often irrational and never productive that is fear

trust is turning your back on that fear however much it snarls and growls for you to listen...trust is when you turn deaf to those snarls until they become merely a whisper of doubt........keep that with you.........dont you be blind in trust...be aware everyone is not perfect and temptation is always there, but trust anyway honestly what is your alternative.....

 

 

defensive answers to questions or coldness is that whisper of doubt...listen to that whisper...just take note of how he treats you notice the change there... but seek help for your insecurities and find a hobby you adore to keep the snarls at bay that is one strategy i have used..occupy your mind with what you love........good luck and best wishes for you to get those snarls to whispers..ps i have been cheated on it is not something you can stop, that is on the other person not you, so let it go you have no control on others choices........deb

[ExpatInItaly]

I'm giving him space. I don't think he assumes ill make a scene but he's friendly with a lot of females and I think he feels if I see him talking to them ill get insecure ill confront him later on and it's annoying because I should just trust him enough to know its nothing.

 

I have always been an insecure person since I was little. And my trust issues stem from past relationships (being cheated on, left for someone else) I get worried that hell do the same thing to me. And in the beginning of this relationship a girl contacted me over Facebook saying nothing happened between them but they exchanged numbers and he asked if she wanted to do lunch or get drinks.

 

I don't want to be insecure. More than half the time I'm questioning him I get annoyed with myself.

 

Hm. How did he explain that? Were you exclusive when this happened?

[lovehurts5]

Yes we were exclusive. In fact he had told me he loved me for the first time just a day before she had messaged me. When I brought it up to him he said that he was just being friendly...

[lovehurts5]

His mom is coming to pick me up to go to his restaurant now. It was her idea not mine. And he's texting me now saying he doesn't want me to visit him at his job. I told him I'd see if she'd like to go somewhere else and he's saying whatever it is what it is.

[lovehurts5]

I have been up all night long. If you look at my last post you'll read that my bf and I had an argument about my insecurities on Sunday and we talked about it yesterday but he was still giving me the cold shoulder. His mom and I went to his restaurant last night which he was mad about because he doesn't like visits from me at work. I tried to get her to go somewhere else but her response was "eff him we are going". So we went and he completely ignored me. I tried to give him space but I did text him that I loved him and got nothing. When I got home I texted him home safe. And nothing. He posted a status saying making moves. But still I got nothing. Today is his day off. I'm so upset. My eyes look like 2 baseballs from crying all night and my heart feels le it's going to bounce out of my chest

[ExpatInItaly]

His mom is coming to pick me up to go to his restaurant now. It was her idea not mine. And he's texting me now saying he doesn't want me to visit him at his job. I told him I'd see if she'd like to go somewhere else and he's saying whatever it is what it is.

 

Eh, I think he's being shady and that it's not all down to your insecurities. He's messaged other girls in the past. Perhaps it really was friendly, but why keep it a secret? He seems pretty insistent that you not go to his workplace. Have you ever created a scene there? How bad have your interrogations been in the past?

[ExpatInItaly]

I have been up all night long. If you look at my last post you'll read that my bf and I had an argument about my insecurities on Sunday and we talked about it yesterday but he was still giving me the cold shoulder. His mom and I went to his restaurant last night which he was mad about because he doesn't like visits from me at work. I tried to get her to go somewhere else but her response was "eff him we are going". So we went and he completely ignored me. I tried to give him space but I did text him that I loved him and got nothing. When I got home I texted him home safe. And nothing. He posted a status saying making moves. But still I got nothing. Today is his day off. I'm so upset. My eyes look like 2 baseballs from crying all night and my heart feels le it's going to bounce out of my chest

 

I like his mom! What did she say about him ignoring you at work?

 

I'm sorry you're going through this. I've responded to your other posts, too. It's not fair of him to just completely ignore you and leave you hanging like that. If he's angry at you for whatever reason, he should have enough respect to tell you what the problem is.

 

I hate to say it, but it sounds like he's looking for an out. Leave him for a little bit. He knows you're trying to reach him and he's deliberately ignoring you. Don't give him the satisfaction of begging to see him. He isn't worth it.

[lovehurts5]

That's the thing, yesterday when we had a talk he was like I love you so much and I don't want to break up I want to spend my life with you and work on things. But then he acted like that and it makes me so confused. His mom was like dont worry he loves you he's just being a jerk.

[lovehurts5]

No I have never ever made a scene. My questioning is always done privately and i guess the main question i ask is "who is that girl?" Either girls posting on his Facebook or pictures that he posts or pictures that others post of him. And of he goes out I'm never just like how was your night? I go more into it like how was your night, who was there, did you see your ex out, did you drink, did you dance.... Things like that. And he feels like I'm interrogating him.

[MidwestUSA]

No I have never ever made a scene. My questioning is always done privately and i guess the main question i ask is "who is that girl?" Either girls posting on his Facebook or pictures that he posts or pictures that others post of him. And of he goes out I'm never just like how was your night? I go more into it like how was your night, who was there, did you see your ex out, did you drink, did you dance.... Things like that. And he feels like I'm interrogating him.

Because you ARE interrogating him! Reread pteromom's advice and try to get a handle on your insecurities. Meanwhile, stop apologizing to him. Stop texting him. Give him space and time. You've probably already driven the last nail in this coffin, but get help before you seek out another relationship.

[ExpatInItaly]

No I have never ever made a scene. My questioning is always done privately and i guess the main question i ask is "who is that girl?" Either girls posting on his Facebook or pictures that he posts or pictures that others post of him. And of he goes out I'm never just like how was your night? I go more into it like how was your night, who was there, did you see your ex out, did you drink, did you dance.... Things like that. And he feels like I'm interrogating him.

 

Oh, girl. No. If that's the line of questioning he faces every time he goes out, you're most certainly interrogating him. It's uncalled for and very distressing. That doesn't give him a reason to ignore you altogether, but it's safe to say you've brow-beaten him so much that he needs a break. I say this because I've been in his shoes. I got rid of the guy. Be careful how you proceed here.

[The Way I Am]

First, your behavior. I'm going to correct you on one thing. You're not currently giving him space. You're still texting him frequently. Stop calling and texting him. Go find something else to do. Don't text, call, or otherwise bug him unless he contacts you. When he does finally contact you, don't get pissed at him for not calling sooner. Don't grill him about what he's been doing. Just tell him you're happy to hear from him, ask how he's doing etc. Don't weigh down the conversation with all these worries you've built up.

 

Onto his behavior. His whole "being friendly" thing with asking a girl to lunch or drinks. Shady. Flirting with women because it's part of his job is one thing. Asking them out is out of line when he has a girlfriend. What did you say to that? Did you draw a line and tell him let him know it's not okay to "be friendly" by asking other girls on dates? Or did you slink and cower and let him get away with that?

 

It's really childish of him to totally ignore you when his mom wanted to go to lunch at his work. You have a right to feel pissed about that.

 

The problem for you is that your habit of interrogating and harassing makes it difficult to determine the reason for his disrespectful behavior. He could have been ignoring you because he's got a thing with a girl at work. Or he could have been ignoring you because he's feeling incredibly smothered.

 

You need to stop your paranoid behaviors. They're really are only hurting you. They drive away good partners, and they make it harder, not easier, to catch a cheater, because you don't know if your partner is acting shady because they're doing shady things or in response to your paranoia. If you learn to trust and not interrogate your partner, and he starts pulling cr*p like this guy is doing, you'll know you're fully justified in showing him the door.

 

With this guy, if you give him space and stop your paranoid behavior, but after a month or two he still gets mad and ignores you, dump him.