Support needed-Unusual behaviour from wife

[Baileys2]

I could do with some differing perspectives.

 

My wife and I married for the first time in 2005. She was a divorcee. I knew her first husband, whom she described as aggressive, and one of the main reasons she left him.This seemed out of character of the man i knew, i did though observe her speaking to him like he was a child, and even took his wages of him and gave him pocket money, so him being dominant towards her does not fit with the man i knew.

 

we married in 2005 as i said. We were very happy, a bit of step children stress, no big arguments between me and my wife, just some repeating low level stress. She has Chronic Fatigue syndrome and would get tired easily, and at times, react to small things as if they were big.

 

We were inseparable in every way. But there was a problem. Each week I would ask her to go to the cinema, each week she would say she was not well enough, could we just go for a meal, but we would go to the cinema next week. So we went for a meal, each time. Eventual with that situation repeating itself for an entire 12 month period, I got angry as I thought I was being played and accused her of being selfish. It was out first row. It last 5 minutes, no swearing, just me accusing her of being selfish. The same afternoon while I was out. She packed up the house on her own, her 6 and 8 year old kids and left. Initiated a divorce after 4 days and refused to ever speak to me again. 18 months after we split up, I had some post arrive for her which I forwarded on. She called he police and said I had been harassing her. I have not spoken to her in 18 months. It was all so surreal.

 

We divorced in 2006. She then met and married another man. 6 months into that marriage she accused her new husband of being an alcoholic, demanded he get immediate treatment but when he said he did not need treatment. She ended the marriage that afternoon (her own account to me) after only 6 months and kicked him out. Also calling the police on him after he was seen near the house. She accused him of stalking her.

 

Move forward to 2010 and we met up again. She said she was sorry for the way she treated me, but said that she had been was in a bad place. She had actually divorced me for being abusive ( the one row) and said she felt I had behaved much worse at the time, but now realised that had not been the case. She said that when she left she just shut down all feeling for me, like a light switch, so thought nothing of divorcing me in 2006. We now go the the cinema every week, no problems. Her health is no different, but she admitted to trying harder in the marriage is time. ( so was her health the reason for putting me off going to the cinema for 12 months in our first marriage?)

 

We got remarried in 2011 and have been inseparable again, just like before. I have had some health problems and stress causing me to be a little irritable and snappy, not abuse, no name calling, just irritable,and on occasion, mainly the last month before she left, not enough for our children to notice, i was just a little out of sorts and less mindful than usual.

 

One night I had asked to be left alone, i was feeling unwell and irritable and needed to be alone to calm down. She insisted in texting me rather than giving me space, and eventually I said some unkind things to her in the text., I expected to apologise and forget about it, but my wife had other ideas.

 

The very next day whilst I was at work she has left, uprooting the children who are now teenagers, saying my actions were abusive, refused to talk about our marriage and says she is again filing for divorce. She is showing no emotion towards me at all. Just total indifference. It is like I no longer exist.

 

She had showered me with fantastic love and affection every day for 3 years, telling me every day she was very happy, during face to face contact, daily emails and text while I am at work. My adult son who lives with us said he thought we were devoted to one another. She then said that she was not leaving me because of the text that wrote in the text, she was close to leaving already due to frequently disrespected her when I was irritable, making it our like it had been hell these last 3 years and my irritable had been "abuse". That is simply preposterous. My adult son said I am occasionally a Little touchy, only on occasion, only for a second or two, and never directed at anyone in particular,

 

We had one row over my irritability and she immediacy changes to someone with no regard for me, all the last 3 years of fantastic times are immediately forgotten, she refuses to to admit that we had enjoyed these 3 fabulous years together, and will not acknowledge any depth of great times, just seeing our time together as ok at best, or simply bad. I have 2000 photos of us together and she refuses to even consider they show us having had a lovey time together these last 3 years. Total denial. Like the good times never happened.

 

She had told me the morning prior to our argument that she was so very much in love with me and had never been happier, she seem content all the time. We were financially secure, with a lovely home,math kids settled, and expressed total satisfaction with us and our family life, something she said virtually very day these last 3 years.

 

Now, she is exaggerating small things that did occur, and making them huge, refuses to talk to me, or about our relationship at all, but insists again on divorce, immediately, yet 24 hours before she left and every day prior to the last 3 years, she told me and all her friends and family that she had never been happier. Our intimacy was great, I thought I had been married tithe happiest woman in the world.

 

I canot understand what is going in. When she left me, she brought up things of 7 years ago of me asking her to cook another egg after the first one split and ended up looking like road kill on the plate as an example of my unreasonable behaviour. I often spent hours in the kitchen cooking my wife wonderful meals so thought nothing of asking her to spend an extra minute cooking an egg. She even accused me of having an incident on honeymoon, when I sad to her that I was a annoyed after the vinegar bottle lid came opens and flooded my dinner with vinegar, it was a discussion between us, nothing more, it was never talked about again, but 2 years later, she brings it up as an example of my intolerance of situations and why she has to leave me.

 

I am so very confused. It makes no sense to me whatsoever. Clearly this is not usual behaviour but she blames me for her leaving me, and everything that has ever gone wrong, big or small. It's me, always me at is wrong.

 

In actual fact, it's all been small issues that have come up, and then, only infrequently. She takes no responsibility for leaving, or the harm caused to us or our kids by her leaving and never accepts she does anything wrong. Ever.

 

One thing. She does not express negative emotions often, always remaining stable, calm and level headed even during unpleasant or stressful times, though shows great affection, but never anger, or annoyance, at is up until we have a solitary row, even a small one, and it ends up with the immediate loss of the relationship.

 

She is on Amitriptyline, to aid her with poor coping skills ( I guess anxiety of some description linked to her Chronic fatigue syndrome, and her mother died when she was 12, leaving here to be brought up by her father. She's also a highly religious individual, believing in marriage until death us do part, though when divorce comes up, she somehow justifies it as escaping an abusive relationship is ok, referring to me this time, me last time and her previous husband, who she accused of being an alcoholic.

 

Please can anyone give me a clue as to what is going on. I wish to save my marriage but do not know what is going on. She is refusing to talk to me right now. So any help in understanding may just make a difference. I have written to her, asking to talk but she ignores every request to speak.

 

Thank you

[Misadventure]

I am sorry you are going through this. If you read here, it looks like a pattern of what she does. Did something traumatic happen in her childhood, perhaps one parent leaving who she was close with?

 

It looks very much like "I will leave you before you leave me", and then like she said, switching off that light, and yes, becoming indifferent.

 

Don't expect that this time will be different then what she did in the past. The only reaction you can control is your own.

 

Some decisions for you: Do you want to fight for her and remain in a marriage that is perpetually unstable and you will always wait for the other foot to drop, and if you sneezed the wrong way or didn't give assurance of love while you are having a cr@ppy day without having to worry if the house will be empty when you wake up??

 

Can you live like that, and more so, do you want to?

 

If the answer is Yes, I love some of this crazy love.. then tell her. Someone this dismissive will never answer or want to see you via text or phone.. the only way to break through is in their face..surprising her..laying your cards on the table, reassuring her of how you feel, and what you want for the future.. that is ALL you can do... she can still say no. Don't BEG. Just put your cards on the table. If she says no... you know what happens next as you went through it before with her.

 

I'm sorry.

[tojaz]

 

Please can anyone give me a clue as to what is going on. I wish to save my marriage but do not know what is going on. She is refusing to talk to me right now. So any help in understanding may just make a difference. I have written to her, asking to talk but she ignores every request to speak.

 

Sounds like you already know what is going on...

 

...

.when divorce comes up, she somehow justifies it as escaping an abusive relationship is ok,

 

Based on your post, your wife has been married 4 times now and each has ended in divorce because of "abuse" when things become less then ideal.

 

It has become a common story, if you Google the terms of abuse and read some of the articles, it's easy to make a case for abuse against any one and anything. I'm currently dealing with a very passive-aggressive house plant that routinely dribbles water on my table just to tick me off!

 

Your wife has taken things to a great extreme though, and I don't think it's anything the two of you will be able to work through on your own. Not to a resolution where it doesn't come up again anyways. Have you asked her to try any sort of counseling? A third party giving their take on both of your versions of events might help. If you don't think she will agree to go, make a point to tell her its so you can get to the bottom of this "abusive" behavior. She may be willing to go just in an effort to plead her case, and hopefully some good will come of it.

 

TOJAZ

[revitup]

I could do with some differing perspectives.

 

My wife and I married for the first time in 2005. She was a divorcee. I knew her first husband, whom she described as aggressive, and one of the main reasons she left him.This seemed out of character of the man i knew, i did though observe her speaking to him like he was a child, and even took his wages of him and gave him pocket money, so him being dominant towards her does not fit with the man i knew.

 

we married in 2005 as i said. We were very happy, a bit of step children stress, no big arguments between me and my wife, just some repeating low level stress. She has Chronic Fatigue syndrome and would get tired easily, and at times, react to small things as if they were big.

 

We were inseparable in every way. But there was a problem. Each week I would ask her to go to the cinema, each week she would say she was not well enough, could we just go for a meal, but we would go to the cinema next week. So we went for a meal, each time. Eventual with that situation repeating itself for an entire 12 month period, I got angry as I thought I was being played and accused her of being selfish. It was out first row. It last 5 minutes, no swearing, just me accusing her of being selfish. The same afternoon while I was out. She packed up the house on her own, her 6 and 8 year old kids and left. Initiated a divorce after 4 days and refused to ever speak to me again. 18 months after we split up, I had some post arrive for her which I forwarded on. She called he police and said I had been harassing her. I have not spoken to her in 18 months. It was all so surreal.

 

We divorced in 2006. She then met and married another man. 6 months into that marriage she accused her new husband of being an alcoholic, demanded he get immediate treatment but when he said he did not need treatment. She ended the marriage that afternoon (her own account to me) after only 6 months and kicked him out. Also calling the police on him after he was seen near the house. She accused him of stalking her.

 

Move forward to 2010 and we met up again. She said she was sorry for the way she treated me, but said that she had been was in a bad place. She had actually divorced me for being abusive ( the one row) and said she felt I had behaved much worse at the time, but now realised that had not been the case. She said that when she left she just shut down all feeling for me, like a light switch, so thought nothing of divorcing me in 2006. We now go the the cinema every week, no problems. Her health is no different, but she admitted to trying harder in the marriage is time. ( so was her health the reason for putting me off going to the cinema for 12 months in our first marriage?)

 

We got remarried in 2011 and have been inseparable again, just like before. I have had some health problems and stress causing me to be a little irritable and snappy, not abuse, no name calling, just irritable,and on occasion, mainly the last month before she left, not enough for our children to notice, i was just a little out of sorts and less mindful than usual.

 

One night I had asked to be left alone, i was feeling unwell and irritable and needed to be alone to calm down. She insisted in texting me rather than giving me space, and eventually I said some unkind things to her in the text., I expected to apologise and forget about it, but my wife had other ideas.

 

The very next day whilst I was at work she has left, uprooting the children who are now teenagers, saying my actions were abusive, refused to talk about our marriage and says she is again filing for divorce. She is showing no emotion towards me at all. Just total indifference. It is like I no longer exist.

 

She had showered me with fantastic love and affection every day for 3 years, telling me every day she was very happy, during face to face contact, daily emails and text while I am at work. My adult son who lives with us said he thought we were devoted to one another. She then said that she was not leaving me because of the text that wrote in the text, she was close to leaving already due to frequently disrespected her when I was irritable, making it our like it had been hell these last 3 years and my irritable had been "abuse". That is simply preposterous. My adult son said I am occasionally a Little touchy, only on occasion, only for a second or two, and never directed at anyone in particular,

 

We had one row over my irritability and she immediacy changes to someone with no regard for me, all the last 3 years of fantastic times are immediately forgotten, she refuses to to admit that we had enjoyed these 3 fabulous years together, and will not acknowledge any depth of great times, just seeing our time together as ok at best, or simply bad. I have 2000 photos of us together and she refuses to even consider they show us having had a lovey time together these last 3 years. Total denial. Like the good times never happened.

 

She had told me the morning prior to our argument that she was so very much in love with me and had never been happier, she seem content all the time. We were financially secure, with a lovely home,math kids settled, and expressed total satisfaction with us and our family life, something she said virtually very day these last 3 years.

 

Now, she is exaggerating small things that did occur, and making them huge, refuses to talk to me, or about our relationship at all, but insists again on divorce, immediately, yet 24 hours before she left and every day prior to the last 3 years, she told me and all her friends and family that she had never been happier. Our intimacy was great, I thought I had been married tithe happiest woman in the world.

 

I canot understand what is going in. When she left me, she brought up things of 7 years ago of me asking her to cook another egg after the first one split and ended up looking like road kill on the plate as an example of my unreasonable behaviour. I often spent hours in the kitchen cooking my wife wonderful meals so thought nothing of asking her to spend an extra minute cooking an egg. She even accused me of having an incident on honeymoon, when I sad to her that I was a annoyed after the vinegar bottle lid came opens and flooded my dinner with vinegar, it was a discussion between us, nothing more, it was never talked about again, but 2 years later, she brings it up as an example of my intolerance of situations and why she has to leave me.

 

I am so very confused. It makes no sense to me whatsoever. Clearly this is not usual behaviour but she blames me for her leaving me, and everything that has ever gone wrong, big or small. It's me, always me at is wrong.

 

In actual fact, it's all been small issues that have come up, and then, only infrequently. She takes no responsibility for leaving, or the harm caused to us or our kids by her leaving and never accepts she does anything wrong. Ever.

 

One thing. She does not express negative emotions often, always remaining stable, calm and level headed even during unpleasant or stressful times, though shows great affection, but never anger, or annoyance, at is up until we have a solitary row, even a small one, and it ends up with the immediate loss of the relationship.

 

She is on Amitriptyline, to aid her with poor coping skills ( I guess anxiety of some description linked to her Chronic fatigue syndrome, and her mother died when she was 12, leaving here to be brought up by her father. She's also a highly religious individual, believing in marriage until death us do part, though when divorce comes up, she somehow justifies it as escaping an abusive relationship is ok, referring to me this time, me last time and her previous husband, who she accused of being an alcoholic.

 

Please can anyone give me a clue as to what is going on. I wish to save my marriage but do not know what is going on. She is refusing to talk to me right now. So any help in understanding may just make a difference. I have written to her, asking to talk but she ignores every request to speak.

 

Thank you

 

 

Bailey's,

 

She is on Amitriptyline, to aid her with poor coping skills RED FLAG for me!

 

This is a red flag when theses other behaviors are also present.You may wnat to read some of Downtown's posts as well as BPDr's and mine.I see some telling things in her behavior.You may want to search the web a little about BPD and other conditions.It could be nothing but I feel there is something more to this behavior.

 

Marriage in marriage out? This on again off again,push pull is not a good sign.

 

Chronic Fatigue Syndrome- Well it appears she has plenty of energy when she wants to run away! She can pack up all of her things and get out in minutes?

 

Sorry for your situation and like myself-you have a long ride ahead.

 

We'll all be here.

 

REVITUP

[Baileys2]

I looked at BPD and recognised "splitting" but also I read perhaps bit too much online and ended up confusing myself. Yes I would like to make our marriage work. My wife when we were married first time spent a year telling me her CFS was preventing her going to the cinema, and led to our first and only argument, that she divorced me over when I accused her of always being well enough to do the things she wanted, but never well enough to do the things I wanted to.

 

Having remarried in 2011, we have been to the cinema every other week since then, her CFS is unchanged. I think I was manipulated into believing her CFS was so bad she was unable to accompany me to the cinema. But that turned out to be a lie, a lie continued for a whole year, and she divorced me citing abuse, when I challenged her CFS being the reason she did not want to go, which actually turns out to have been true. So in effect, she had lied for a whole year, took offence when I found her out, then divorced me for being abusive after I challenged her illness as not being the genuine reason. She had in fact caused the whole sorry affair that let to the break up of our first marriage.

 

In the four years we are together is time, life could not have been more stable or happier. It appears that when order is brought into question, especially if I offend her in any way, like in an argument, something is triggered and she immediately rejects me, despite her giving up her home, our lifestyle, financial security by walking away.

 

Our history includes that when she had left before, she almost immediacy gets involved in another relationship, which never turns out quite how she would like, that ends and then she engages with me. There are a few cycles of this that has happened. But each time she leaves, the fall out is terrible. She blames me, or the other men in her life for everything, never ever looks at herself and is so set on divorce, she actions a solicitor within 24 hors of leaving, never to look back until the next relationship is over, then she thinks I was the true love of her life, which I am sure I am, but never will she fight for me, or even talk with me until months or years after the damage is done by her leaving.

 

I would like to save our marriage this time, but she has stonewalled me since leaving 2 months ago. I hear from her only over practical things like collecting her belongings. Any attempt to email her or text to discuss us is totally ignored, each and every time. She refuses to talk about us with our mutual friends and I speak to one of her friends who says also that my wife will give no explanation for leaving. If I had been abusive, she would be able to say so, so easily.

 

I have said to her via one last text that I wish to have a face to face meeting, but all requests so far have been ignored. Another issues is that she keeps telling me I want to be with someone fit and healthy, which is utter rubbish. I made some reference to wanting to fly, she won't fly as she get scared, and my one reference led to weeks of discussion of me needing someone fit and healthy. It's like there is a high defence system being activated at the slightest touch.

 

 

,

Edited September 10, 2013 by Baileys2

[tojaz]

How are her interactions with other people Bailey? Are these actions reserved just for those she's in a relationship or do the behaviors extend to everyone, friends, family etc.?

[Baileys2]

My wife's behaviour is limited to me, with her also refusing to engage with my children, her stepchildren in anything to do with us, though again, she will communicate on practical issues on occasion.

 

When she left me the first time, her behaviour was identical. She was doting, showing wonderful affection, but we argued just the once and she left the family home, refused any communication and divorced me immediately citing abusive behaviour.

 

She did exact same thing to her next husband, and after 18 months together but only 6 months married, her first husband she kicked out after 10 years marriage, she told me she knew after 1 year he was not the right one for her but stayed because of the kids. When she kicked him out he was homeless and had to sleep in a school store room where he worked for 4 months. It was hard for him but she expressed no care or concern at all.

 

Her friends, family, she treats normally, it's just partners. She is distant though from any mutual friends who are likely to challenge her reasons for leaving me and the extreme reaction to wanting to end our marriage after a small disagreement, when they have tried to talk with her she just changes the subject.

 

The only difference between me and her other partners/husbands is that she insists I am the love of her life and that she still loves me, and I am the only one she had attempted or ever got back with.

 

It really is like a split personality. Devoted to me for four years, some emotional upset and all feelings, emotions, care or anything, all gone

Edited September 11, 2013 by Baileys2

[Mr. Lucky]

It really is like a split personality. Devoted to me for four years, some emotional upset and all feelings, emotions, care or anything, all gone

But completely consistent with her previous behavior in 3 previous marriages, including the one to you. Had she murdered Husbands #1, #2 and #3, would you be surprised if she took a few potshots at you ???

 

The bad news is that it sounds like she's about to divorce you. I guess the good news is that, based on past history, you could still be Husband #5.

 

The question is why you'd be interested...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Baileys2]

Hi Mr Lucky, yes, I know, it kind of seems nuts to want to keep hanging in there. All I can say is that its my fight against the woman I shared my life with every day this last 4 years and being able to face the reality of who, or rather what she turns into when her emotions get aroused. I cant stress enough the last 4 years has been the best of my entire adult life, and deep down, I still cannot believe what is going on, despite seeing it with my own eye. I am one of life's problem sobers (I work in criminal justice helping offenders change their lives) and I guess I never expected her to respond this way having been stable for 4 years. Its just disbelief I think, and optimism that maybe things will eventually be different this time, thought it is looking like I have ben hung out to dry yet again.

I was wondering the best approach to my wife that might actually diffuse the current stale mate of her not communicating, so that at least we can talk. any thoughts?

[darkmoon]

she is mentally ill, but not all ment ill people are unpleasant it is not in any illnesses description

[Porridge]

As someone who's been in a similar situation and as also suggested by above posters, this thread immediately flagged three words to me.

 

Borderline Personality Disorder.

 

Unstable moods, unstable relationships, inability to cope with criticism or hostility, exaggerations/lies about past partners, running away from problems, blaming you for her feelings, those are immediate signs.

 

And then you went and put the cherry on the cake. Amitriptyline - yup, the ex is on that as well. She alleges its to cope with her fibromyalgia, although i've since learnt that fibromyalgia is well connected to BPD and so whether it's for physical, mental, or both, the medication fits.

 

You cannot help this woman. She is on a self-destructive course and is destined to screw her life up. She will lose the trust of every friendship and relationship she makes, proceed to paint them black, then run to the next life. It really is Disneyland, only in this case there is never a happy ending.

 

There is one thing you can do though - look after yourself and make sure you don't have regrets as you get older. Put this behind you and move on. I promise you, it's the only way.

[Mr. Lucky]

I was wondering the best approach to my wife that might actually diffuse the current stale mate of her not communicating, so that at least we can talk. any thoughts?

So you can talk? So you can get back together again? So she can dump you again at the first sign of conflict?

 

Repeat after me - one definition of insanity is...

 

I am one of life's problem sobers (I work in criminal justice helping offenders change their lives)

I'm guessing those offenders you help want to change their lives. How much luck have you had in helping those that have NO interest in turning things around ???

 

Mr. Lucky

[GuyInLimbo]

You got lucky the first time she left you. You are foolish for being sucked back into the web of a black widow a second time.

 

Brother, listen up. This woman is highly unstable. There is NOTHING TO SAVE but yourself. Her behavior WILL NOT CHANGE. Period. After YEARS of this bizarre pattern of behavior, why in god's name would you pursue her?? I'm sorry, you need to man up and get as far away from her as possible for good and seek out a happy life for yourself with someone else.

 

And don't ever marry this freak again. Ever.

[Baileys2]

Thanks guys, I have had a few people point me in the direction of BPD, I had thought that but she has no rages, no expressions of anger, but I do recognise passive aggressive behaviour in her. So the wife's behaviour then is pretty much as splitting in BPD is described. Does explain a lot. Yes, we have total harmony for 4 years, but a break in order, some minor offence given, then I am left, hung out to dry and described as nothing short of a monster.

 

I know, I was talking to a friend and said if my adult sone was married to such a person who dumped him after a momentary loss of order, I would be locking him in his bedroom and keeping the front door locked to keep him away from her.

 

I agree, the work I do with offenders when they are motivated to change is life changing , but for those who have no interest in changing, its as successful as trying float down the amazon in a paper bag.

 

I feel so sad, I had thought I was married to a near saint, now it looks like our dreams are over. Such a waste

 

I forgot to mention, she also suffers from fibromyalgia. She takes diazepam as well as amitriptyline.

Edited September 11, 2013 by Baileys2

[revitup]

Porridge said...........

 

Unstable moods, unstable relationships, inability to cope with criticism or hostility, exaggerations/lies about past partners, running away from problems, blaming you for her feelings, those are immediate signs.

 

And then you went and put the cherry on the cake. Amitriptyline - yup, the ex is on that as well. She alleges its to cope with her fibromyalgia, although i've since learnt that fibromyalgia is well connected to BPD and so whether it's for physical, mental, or both, the medication fits.

 

You cannot help this woman. She is on a self-destructive course and is destined to screw her life up. She will lose the trust of every friendship and relationship she makes, proceed to paint them black, then run to the next life. It really is Disneyland

 

 

Rev-is that you? I thought I had posted under another name seeing this today!

 

STBXWW told me all the same stuff-Amitriptyline /Tranzine/ whatever was for "Sleep" ? Well until the day she told me she takes it "to put up with my cra%".

 

It may not be BPD but it is something you can't fix OP.

Know these three things-

 

1.You didn't cause it.

2.You can't fix it.

3.You can't change it.

 

You'll make your own mind up but just know if you stay in this you will pay a huge price in the end.Much more than you think you "have invested" in it already.

 

Sorry for your bad deal but happy you can avoid the next 10 years of it.

 

REVITUP

[pteromom]

She insisted in texting me rather than giving me space, and eventually I said some unkind things to her in the text., I expected to apologise and forget about it, but my wife had other ideas.

 

What exactly did the text you sent her say? I am just curious if it could be a "last straw" situation...

[Porridge]

Just a couple of other things OP.

 

1. With these people, you can say the following:

 

"You have golden hair, incredible eyes, a beautiful smile, an amazing personality, a funny little birth mark on your neck, a delectable figure, you're caring, everybody likes you etc etc"

 

To everybody in the world, you are giving her a massive compliment. But she won't see it. She will spot the one negative and it will ring a thousand times louder than all the positives. So her response will be,

 

"What's the problem with my birth mark? You've offended me now"

 

....and you'll be made to feel guilty out of nowhere. Why? Two reasons really – firstly because of their own insecurity but also because they’re only comfortable when they’re being victimised, and they will scour everything possible to earn that trophy. It’s a form of gaining control, they feed off your guilt.

 

This one example can become the life you live with these people. That's why they call it 'treading on eggshells' - because you will always inadvertently offend them and be made to feel that you are the abuser. That's an unhealthy mindset and you need to realise that the problem is not yourself.

 

 

2. The actions of these people are 100% self-serving. Other people are disposable figures and are used to fill the emotional void in their lives. Does she say, “I love you”? What she’s really saying is, “I need you to say that you love me back”. It sounds utterly awful that you can spend so long with someone and yet they didn’t share the heartfelt attachments you did. But ask yourself this – if she did truly love you, then how come she finds it so easily to detach, hate you, and jump to another relationship? And when she does, at least for the early part, that new person will be the greatest creation that God ever made. They are worshipped, idealised, perfect in every way, but that high is always followed by the low. And then the instabilities surface and the relationship struggles.

If she ever says she wants you, she’s not being accurate. She doesn’t want YOU, she wants the security that being with you can provide HER, at least whilst she licks her wounds and prepares to do another runner.

[revitup]

Porridge is so very absolutely right OP!

 

As I thought about where I was on 9/11 2001 like most people did today I was caught off guard.I realized that I was in our new house- Carolina Beach-Wilmington NC .

 

In 2001 I had been married for 6 yrs to STBXWW BPDr and that Christmas her crazy mother threw all of the Christmas presents she brought us in our yard on her visit here from Virginia on Christmas morning! Everything she and STBXWW's Step-dad had brought the kids....in our yard!

 

Why, because as soon as the in laws arrived the MIL wanted to take the adopted DD7 to some mall and I had planned for a little alone Dad kid time at the same time (only a one hour thing and I didn't even know they were coming-the prior Xmas had been a blow out). MIL BPDr went wild on me and that was the FIRST time I fought back-Rev said to take her sorry AZZ down the road and that this is my house get out! You will not talk to me like this again!My attitude was different now.

 

This was in part because we were flooded in Sept 1999 by Hurricane Floyd and had no flood ins.I had worked hard to recover for over a year and had been through too much to hear that MIL screech at me one more time!

 

I should have known then but had my eyes on MIL instead of STBXWW-she was never happy even then (I see it today-but not then).

 

The guilt tripping and blame-shifting were a control mechanism that was very effective.I mean that voodoo guilt tripping is insidious on a man.

 

OP you have got a nightmare on your plate here.The whole "you can't diagnose them" thing is true but you can make a lay mans decision to get out and run while a Dr has a thorough look at her for a few hundred years!Then you re-evaluate after at least 200 years or so.

 

I don't know how else to say this but here goes-

 

YOU'RE SCREWED NO MATTER WHAT YOU DO!

 

You have an opportunity to put some lube on it and hurt from it a while but if you stay you will be sore all the time.

 

I would rather live in a Mexican Prison dressed as a woman than go back into my nightmare BPDr STBXWW's life.

 

I really mean this.Never Never Never again.

 

Sorry for my blunt talk but you really are screwed-I was too.Still kinda screwed up some but in the morning I will make all the noise I want and as I type this I am no longer wondering if she will walk in and accuse me of being unfaithful or not paying her any attention or not picking my pencil up off the table or not caring about her because I left the seat up or not being loving enough because I work one day and that day I should have just held her because of my telepathic abilities to know she "just needed to be held and comforted"!

 

You get the picture-I been there,"Don't be home when I get back and Don't be gone either"!That's the BPDr motto.

 

REVITUP

[Baileys2]

Thanks guys. What I said was a bit sore to be honest. We were putting on a BBQ for my sons birthday, and she was sat in the lounge looking mardy. I made a sarcastic comment 'Ill do the BBQ on my own shall i?" and that just made the situation worse.

 

After finishing the BBQ, i went into another room to watch films and started to have a drink. Well I always go to another room if I am grumpy for any reason so I calm down and don't offend anyone. After a few hours of my wife bombarding me with text, saying she thought i was depressed and needed help..... I text back, whilst pissed as a newt and said something along the lines of her being boring, going to bed early every night leaving me alone each night and for all the good that was, I way as well be on my own, and if she didn't like what I was saying, she didn't have to stay. it was all said in the heat of the moment, none of it meant.

 

I didn't know what I had wrote until after she had left me. She never mentioned a word of being upset, just left the next day while I was at work, same way she left in 2006.

 

I was wrong for what I did, it was our only second disagreement in 4 years. I had expected to apologise once i realised what I had said to her. But I am now painted as a totally abusive man, and our marriage just does not work, despite her telling me and all our friends and family for the last 4 years how fantastic a life we all had together and how happy she was. Our relationship is over in her eyes and I no longer count, its like i'm dead to her.

[Porridge]

You said it in earlier posts - she's splitting. Basically, your comments triggered off her inner most fear of abandonment and so she made sure she was the one leaving before you could do it. It's a control thing again.

 

It isn't your fault. Such comments shouldn't be a 'make or break' of a long term relationship and only highlight the fragility of everything around you.

[Baileys2]

Hi Porridge, is there a way to reconnect so that those abandonment fears can be addressed?

[keepontruckin]

Baileys, she's a runner... My soon to be ex is the same.

 

They just keep running their entire lives...

[Porridge]

Hi Porridge, is there a way to reconnect so that those abandonment fears can be addressed?

 

This is a diffcult one to answer - predominantly because you seem to want her back despite the merry-go-round she will lead you on for as long as you stay in contact. It's hard to advise someone to do, what in my opinion, is the wrong thing.

 

That said, i've been there and wore the t-shirt. Sometimes you have to be punched several times before you finally decide to step out of the ring. You'll get there at some point and will look back to times like the present with regret thinking 'why oh why didn't I just move on with my life rather than going back for more of this dysfunctional way of living'.

 

Anyway, can you reconnect? Sure - you can be a doormat and a safety net for her whilst she decides to completely abuse your good intentions. If that's what you really want, then apologise, tell her you're always there for her, then watch as she makes occasional contact to see if she can still fall back on you when her new life falls apart. Is that how highly you value yourself?

 

There's something very, very important to note here. Many people have fallen for the intensity of a BPD relationship and slowly learn what they are involved in. Often, the BPD will do something to damage your trust and will then just leave. At this point, the non-BPD (e.g you, me, Revitup, M30USA etc) will be left shocked, puzzled, empty and desperate for them to return.

 

We have a simple mental process - we try to rationalise and explain things and will generally attribute blame on the BPD. After all, they are the ones with the mental health issue. Not us, right?

 

But that's only half of it. You don't truly grow wiser until you also look at YOURSELF too. Sure, you don't suffer with the extreme behaviours and odd sense of values. However, if you're prepared to be brutally honest with yourself (as I also had to be), you do have insecurities which keep drawing you back to this person. Why are you so tolerant of her behaviour? Would you accept being treated like this by other people?

 

Now we're getting to the painful bit. You're scared - scared of being alone, scared of never finding anyone else that will love you like you thought you were loved. That's not the BPD's fault. She saw your innermost insecurities like a hawk to a little shrew scurrying through the woodland. She knew you were a caring, trusting, good character that she could use and take advantage of. She also knew that she could manipulate you and feed off your insecurities.

 

It's only when I looked at myself that I started to really come out of the whole BPD world and grow into a stronger person. I'd explained her actions to death in the past, but you have to ask yourself "why do you tolerate it? What weaknesses do you posess that allow you to be pushed around so much".

 

It's a horrible phrase which I don't enjoy using, but even I had to tell myself that it was time to 'man up'. I'm a proud person, quite stubborn, don't really take abuse from anybody. And yet there I was, allowing myself to be controlled by this one person who had learnt to play me like a puppet on a string.

 

Time to look in the mirror my friend. Not at the BPD, but yourself. Time to have some pride, some dignity, some respect. Time to take control and become the better man.

Edited September 12, 2013 by Porridge

[Baileys2]

Thanks. I guess the other thing I am wondering is how to communicate when we do eventually speak. Do I pretend that her response is normal and understandable or am I better to lay my position clear that her actions are past what I would consider accountable. I worry that any challenge would have her turning and running away as quick as a flash, but also I don't want to set my self up as the fall guy. I had been talking her words at face value and acting she found my behaviour so bad that she had no reason to leave. But that was just shock. I now fully appreciate that any sound healthy thinking person would have not reacted with such extremeness.

 

What is hard is that there has been such calm for the last 4 years.

 

I know a little of thinking errors and alike, but I have never known anyone to be so mortally wounded by so little, my wife rarely if ever considered her own failings, ruminates over the slightest criticism and accepts no responsibility for our situation, it is now as it was in our first marriage, a one way blame game. She even brought up stuff from 7 years ago, ( me asking her to cook another egg after the first one badly split) and frequently tells me, not asks but tells me what I think of her, her health problems. I listen for hours at a time, but the one time I show less attention, or change the subject, I'm hit with I never listen and I want to be with someone fit and healthy. I wondered as she brings this all the all time, if what she is actually saying, is that she wants to be with someone fit and healthy so all the simpathy and attention goes to her. Isn't life hard so writes...

[GuyInLimbo]

Hi Porridge, is there a way to reconnect so that those abandonment fears can be addressed?

 

You can't cure that in people Borderline.