Support needed-Unusual behaviour from wife

[2sunny]

My wife sent me this yesterday after I sent her an itunes voucher: "Thank u for the iTunes voucher. New artist I found is Sissel you might like ."* I replied and asked what she bought with her voucher and she has gone back to ignoring me. It was the first contact form her in over a month bat the "we are over email".

 

She treats you like crap and you're still buying her stuff?

 

Come on man - stop that!!!

[Baileys2]

I know, my mate just said the same. I have to be so tough in my work, but with e wife, I have always been so smitten. For ends tell me that there are nice women out there, and when I'm healed I will find someone who won't treat me this way, but whilst I am sure that a true, it does nothing to take the pain way. I just want to turn the clock back, undo, have it not be real. But it is. And I think time will have to just do it's thing. I have taken a decision not to have any more contact for my own sanity, I just don't find it easy.

[GuyIncognito]

She sounds absolutely crazy. Why would you want to stick with her?

[Baileys2]

I know on paper things look bad, but in actual fact, we had 4 years of near total harmony. but the fall out form minor conflict is nothing short of life changing and having witnessed my wife go from being doting and besotted with me to showing no feeling or concern, it is hard to get my head around it all.

[Porridge]

I know on paper things look bad, but in actual fact, we had 4 years of near total harmony. but the fall out form minor conflict is nothing short of life changing and having witnessed my wife go from being doting and besotted with me to showing no feeling or concern, it is hard to get my head around it all.

 

Had the same. Years of apparent contentment and normal living but you come to realise that the timebomb is always ticking. Either it will blow up on it's own or it will find a trigger from the most innocent and random of events. You can never stop it though.

 

I understand your confusion but as mentioned before, you will never get your head around someone who has completely different perceptions and values to you. There is no rational answer out there, so stop looking for it.

 

The ultimate question is whether you want to waste more years of your life going through the make/break cycle. Even if she came back pleading for you (and I think it's clear at the moment that you'd go back), you'd only end up here in a few months/years, once again bewildered by her sudden withdrawal.

 

It's your life matey and your choice.

[revitup]

Baileys2,

 

Porridge has now written my thoughts down for your benefit.I wish Porridge had been my friend in 2010 and told me straight as you have been told here.It would have saved me a substantial amount of grief and aggravation....if I would have listened.Maybe I would have ignored Porridge's warning and been here anyway but I wish I could go back 3 years and have the opportunity you have today to stop the abuse to my self esteem.

 

Baileys2, I get it when you say your marriage was blissful and happy with little confrontation for four years-this happens because only one person is doing the thinking and the other is silent and sacrifices their own self esteem in order to "not rock the boat".I did it and I know you did as well.

 

I found myself avoiding situations or statements which might "upset" STBXWW. This stopped me from standing my ground in regards to my own boundaries.That was an almost fatal blow to my sense of being an individual and a man. I became a weaker person inside of myself and inside of my own castle while appearing to have the perfect wife to everyone around me.

 

When you see a ventriloquist and their dummy on stage they look like the "perfect couple". If the dummy were to stand up and voice an opinion of his own, the one pulling the strings for all these years becomes spiteful having lost the attention of the audience who have turned their attention to the dummy now taking center stage.

 

This is where it goes all wrong for us Baileys2. We have been manipulated for years and we now have an opinion.We wrongly believe we will never be the "act" we were before without our partner.We know we were being used as a tool-but at least the audience saw us as a part of something.

 

This dummy will never go on stage with that kind of person again.

 

REV is now a "one MAN show".

 

REVITUP

Edited September 15, 2013 by revitup
I don't know

[Porridge]

I wish Porridge had been my friend in 2010 and told me straight as you have been told here.

 

I was also a puppet back in 2010. I wouldn't have been any use to anyone!

[Downtown]

So the wife's behaviour then is pretty much as splitting in BPD is described.

Bailey, I can see why you, Rev, and Porridge are suspecting BPD. The splitting behavior you describe is strongly associated with BPD and NPD. The latter seems to be ruled out by your conviction that your W actually loved you (full-blown narcissists are incapable of loving anyone).

We only had two arguments in 4 years.... Other than being over sensitive, maybe a bit neurotic at times, things were very stable. She was very thoughtful towards me, very caring, very much a giver.

I suspect you may be mistaken about this. Yet, if this statement does accurately describe your past four years, you can rule out BPD. Emotional instability is what distinguishes BPD from NPD and all other PDs. Although many BPD traits do overlap those of other PDs, the "instability" trait does not. Of the ten PDs, BPD is the only one having "instability" as a trait in the diagnostic manual. The reason is that the key feature of BPD is the person's inability to regulate her own emotions. This is why a large segment of the psychiatric community has been lobbying for two decades to change the disorder's name to "Emotional Regulation Disorder."

BPD.... I had thought that but she has no rages, no expressions of anger....

Her having no rages or other overt expressions of anger does NOT rule out her having strong BPD traits. Granted, the vast majority of BPDers (perhaps 90%) release their anger by acting out in rages and temper tantrums. A small portion of them, however, predominantly act in when expressing anger. That is, they turn the anger inward on themselves.

 

Of course, this "acting in" is very self destructive if the BPDer is low functioning and has very strong traits -- in which case it would show up as cutting, suicide attempts, or other self destructive behavior. For high functioning BPDers, however, the anger is at a much less severe level. Hence, when it is turned inward, it would be exhibited outwardly in the form of silence, cold withdrawal, or other types of passive aggressive behavior (e.g., lying to you for a year about her being unable to sit through a movie due to her CFS health problem).

 

Because these "acting-in" BPDers rarely yell and scream, they are usually referred to as "quiet borderlines." A.J. Mahari describes them at Borderline Personality - The Quiet Acting In Borderline and The Silent Treatment - Nons - Borderline Personality Disorder Inside Out. Similarly, Shari Schreiber (who calls them "waif borderlines") describes them at BORDERLINE WAIFS AND UNSUNG HEROES; Rescuing The Woman Who Doesn't Want To Be Saved.. Whereas Mahari emphasizes the cold nature of these BPDers, Schreiber emphasizes their "poor-little-me-I-am-such-a-victim" nature. Hence, if your W actually does have strong BPD traits, I suspect Schreiber's description will be more relevant.

I do recognize she is passive aggressive, and needs things just a certain way or else she says she cannot cope.

When a person turns anger inward, it usually will be exhibited outwardly as passive aggressive (PA) behavior. An important issue, then, is whether your W's PA behavior occurred frequently enough for her behavior to be characterized as "emotionally unstable." That is, was she exhibiting substantial PA behavior at least every two or three weeks over the four year period? If so, you may be describing a woman who is sufficiently unstable to be exhibiting a strong pattern of BPD traits. If not, the behavior you describe would be too stable to constitute such a pattern.

I text back...that if she didn't like what I was saying, she didn't have to stay.

Another important issue is whether her reaction to this "threat" is a sign of her having a great fear of abandonment (as Rev and Porridge suggest) or, rather, a sign of her simply being a healthy, walk-away-wife who was just waiting for an excuse to leave (as KeepOnTruckin suggests). This is an important question because abandonment fear is one of the key symptoms of BPD.

 

I don't know the answer to that question. Yet, if I had to guess, I would favor Rev and Porridge's interpretation. Because she is already pursuing her fourth divorce -- in just a few years -- it sounds like this woman has serious emotional issues (e.g., an abandonment fear) that are destroying her ability to maintain lasting attachments.

Please can anyone give me a clue as to what is going on.

Bailey, none of us is able to diagnose your W's issues. Only a professional can do that. I therefore suggest that you see a clinical psychologist -- for a visit or two by yourself -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what you and your children have been dealing with.

 

There is a world of difference, however, between diagnosing your W's issues and simply spotting the warning signs for various disorders. There is nothing subtle about symptoms such as lying, always being "The Victim," and a rapid flip from adoring you to devaluing you. For this reason, you are capable of spotting the warning signs if you take time to learn what red flags to look for.

 

I therefore suggest that, while you are searching for a good psychologist, you read the two articles I gave links for above. One reason for doing this is that, if you are able to spot the red flags, you are far more likely to be willing to spend $150/hour to see a good psychologist.

 

A second reason for learning the warning signs is that, until we learn how to spot the red flags, we tend to be attracted to same women over and over again. Hence, absent that information, you are at risk of divorcing your W only to run into the arms of another woman just like her.

[Baileys2]

Having a good fead up in BPD and NPD, a friend pointed me in the direction of Covert or Vulnerable Narcissist. I just had a read and lots of it fit.

She has always been her daddy's princess and there does appear to be a sense of entitlement to the way she sees life. It hit me that all the time she is given everything to her satisfaction, her relationship with me, and her other partners was fine, but if a boundary was crossed, like her needs not being met, or she was spokent to, even briefly in a way that she felt was beneath her, that's when I would see her want to leave, severing all ties as she goes. If you have a look at our entire history, it may make more sense what I am saying.

 

this is our history., And yes, I am a soft touch.

 

When we met, she told me that her first husband did not satisfy her emotionally, sexually, or intellectually, they split up but see were quantities that she said she saw in me.

 

Weeks after getting together, one disagreement, our very first and she was leaving me, ending our relationship on the spot. Her willingness to discuss the situation was non existent, then just as it is today. It was just "we are over" period. She cut me dead and treated me like I didn't exist. It was the most heartless thing I had ever witnessed. I had no idea then that she would repeat that behaviour many times over, against a man she says is the love of her life. She were upset, sure, I understand her feelings, but her reaction to becoming upset was extreme to say the least. Leaving the man she said that she loved, the man she said had become the love of her life, just like that, well, I had never known anything like it.

 

She came back though and said that she were sorry for leaving, only to leave again after our next disagreement a few months later, and yet again, when I try to talk to her about her extreme reaction to a general disagreement, she again cut me dead, ignoring all my text and telephone calls to try and get us back together, refusing to speak to me, to discuss what happened. She acted so cold towards me, like I no longer mattered. I was left heartbroken, for a second time in less than 12 months.

 

But sure enough, she came back yet again, repeating her apology that she were sorry for leaving, saying that she were grateful that I had stood by her. All the time I give her exactly what she wanted and needed, she were content, happy, engaging, loving, intimate, but as soon as there is a break in her needs being met or she gets upset by something I have said or done, and I am not talking abuse, or hitting her, or swearing at her even, just a cross word, some disagreement or another, she savagely ends our relationship, savagely destroying our life together, savagely ignore my hurt feelings. She goes from idolising me to treating me like I, and our relationship never existed. It's like I no longer mattered to her, or my children, her step children no longer mattered to her.

 

What makes this situation worse is that when she leaves, she says it is because I do not love her enough, or I have a problem with her ill health, or that I do not care enough about her, when it is obvious to everyone, that I love her like my life depended on it, always forgiving her, always taking her back.

 

But we again get back together. Back together and very much in love again. She moves back in and we are happy again but like history repeating itself, the next time time I offended her in some way, she leave me again, only this time for 3 months, with her going off with her plumber who had turned up at her rented home to do some work. She were not missing me then?

 

But later she again turns up at mine, telling me that she wanted to come back to me as it didn't work out with him.

 

The next time she left me was after we married. She left me after our solitary argument over going to the cinema. She had said she were not well enough to go to the cinema, every week for a year she said that to me, but she were well enough, she admitted to me this time that she just had not made the effort, but this time she did and we have been most weeks to teh cinema this last 4 years, but back then, she didn't, and that had caused us to fall out, all so avoidable had she just told me the truth that she just didn't want to go.

 

Having had our solitary argument that incorporated no swearing, no name calling, no threats and no violence, she divorced me without so much as telling me why. She accused me of being abusive, to her and to her two children. Abusive to her over your health, over money. That was not true. None of it.

 

Though she had walked out on our marriage and on me yet again, she come back, 9 months later. After leaving me, she went off and had a sexual relationship with a man she met online, only she didn't have the relationship with him that she wanted and she again turned up at my door. But I was with someone then, only just, and I was not so quick to just walk away. Instead of talking and us working things out, she walked away yet again, only to marry a different man she met on another dating site. But she left him, in her own words after 18 months of being happy together over his refusal to get help for alcoholism, something he felt he did not need. She hadn't spoken to his GP to get some advice, or spent months encouraging him to get help, that is if he indeed needed it, he may well have done, i don't know, i have never met the man, but she abandoned that marriage after just 6 months just as quick as she had done so with ours.

 

She told me she applied for an immediate divorce, just like she did when she left me. It was only when her marriage to this new man did not work out did she get back in touch with me, saying she had never stopped loving me and I was still the love of your life, making it clear she wanted us to get back together.

 

For the four years we have been together this time, we had been totally in love and inseparable with very few arguments, plenty of love and affection, much togetherness, and no sign of unhappiness from you, ever. Not one word. That is why she asked me to marry her this time, and I jumped at the chance because I have always ben so in love with her. All the time I am satisfying her emotionally, and not upsetting her in any way, I.e. no arguments, or disagreements, she is happy, in love, devoting herself to me, caring about me, putting me first, being the best wife and partner she could possibly be.

 

But, I upset her, not often, just now and again, not intentionally, but due to being unwell or under a lot of stress and pressure but none the less I upset her, and she leaves me yet again, again saying I am abusive, ending our marriage like passing a hot knife through butter. No attempt by her to overcome any minor difficulties, no attempt by her to fight for me. The change in her from loving and devoting herself to me every single day for four years and then one disagreement, she savagely ends our marriage, like it is meaningless.

 

In a single stroke, her love for me appears to be gone, her feelings for me appear to be gone, her care about my wellbeing, the same, gone. It's like I no longer exist. Her willingness to talk to me is none existent, not one word sat round a table, every request to talk simply ignored.

 

Hours before she left me she had been lying in my arms telling me how happy she were, telling me what a wonderful husband I have been to her. I upset yher just once, whilst I was under the influence of alcohol, the first time in the 12 years that she has known me, and she ends our marriage, just like that. And she thinks my actions are questionable.

 

She then sabotage our marriage, destroy my reputations and accuse me of being long term abusive to her, insisting I need to be with someone fit and healthy, that her health is a problems to me, she tells me that I do not like your dad, she tells me that he dad annoys me, she tells me what i think on many different subjects, none of which is true and then she refuses to communicate with me at all, stonewalling me, and my children's including my adult son’s attempts to gain some understanding from her as to why she is leaving again.

 

right now, she refuses to communicate about us. At all. All I get is “I cannot say what you want to hear”, “I cannot give you what you want.” “We don't work”.

 

Baileys

[2sunny]

What's the worst is that you keep taking her back.

 

Heck, even wasting time and energy even thinking of her is ridiculous.

 

She's emotionally bankrupt.

 

Dude, you have a chance at finding an authentic woman who will communicate with you in a healthy manner.

 

Stop wasting time trying to figure her out - she's looney!

[Porridge]

Great post by Downtown. Very matter-of-fact without drawing himself to any conclusions.

 

And thanks for the links Downtown - will read them with interest!

[Downtown]

A friend pointed me in the direction of Covert or Vulnerable Narcissist. I just had a read and lots of it fit.

Baileys, narcissism is -- by far -- the best fit for the behaviors you describe if you believe your W was only pretending to love you. As I noted, the splitting you describe -- where you are praised one moment and hated the next -- is strongly associated with BPD and NPD. Rev, Porridge, and I had been ruling the latter out due to your conviction that your W actually loved you.

 

NPD completely avoids the two problems we had in trying to make BPD fit. The first problem -- explaining why an apparently stable woman is actually unstable -- is avoided because narcissists are stable. The second problem -- explaining why a woman has a great fear of abandonment even though she has not shown strong signs of jealousy -- also is avoided because "abandonment fear" is not a basic trait of narcisissm.

 

Moreover, NPD also explains how your W is able to walk away so coldly from her stepchildren -- an action that would be abhorrent to BPDers because they actually experience loving feelings towards others.

 

Porridge, thanks so much for the kind words.

Edited September 16, 2013 by Downtown

[revitup]

Baileys2,

 

I notice your history with your WW becoming more and more clear with each new post you make.This is exactly how it happened with me.

 

At first you are in the fog and each day your memory overrides the mental programming the WW installed in it's place over the years.Your common sense begins to rule.This is a good thing.

 

Writing down or posting here the real events and a timeline as you did is an eye opener.When you see your own words and the actual events written down it becomes hard to "explain away" the bad behavior of a wayward spouse who abused you.

 

Downtown hit it hard about the traits and characteristics of many PD individuals.Bravo Downtown.Bravo Porridge.

 

Baileys2,we had our rear ends handed to us and mounted on the wall.The reason we try so hard (at least for me) to open others eyes to these men and women is the same reason we ended up with BPDr's and Narcissists ourselves........We want "to save somebody"! We feel good when we "save" somebody else from what by which we were almost destroyed.

 

I say this because Downtown is giving you some wisdom.That wisdom is how to avoid the next BPD/NPD relationship.The one you are now in isn't really your big problem.

 

The important relationship is the one with yourself! The second is the relationship you choose to be in next because this one is over.

 

I would like to tell you to stop blaming YOU for not knowing how to satisfy or fulfill HER needs.This is a trap and a big one.It resonates under the surface of your posts.

 

IF IDA................

 

If you had met her imagined needs she would have just changed them and I bet you never knew what they were anyway.I didn't know STBXWW's even though I am an excellent communicator and negotiator.I even had us to write down our "expectations" and our roles,goals and on and on and on and on.

 

In the end it's like herding cats!

 

REVITUP

[Porridge]

an action that would be abhorrent to BPDers because they actually experience loving feelings towards others.

 

Porridge, thanks so much for the kind words.

 

No problem re compliment.

 

Re the 'love' that a BPD feels - from the reading i've done on this it remains one of the hottest topics for debate.

 

They certainly idealise and 'fall' for somebody, but the basis of the relationship is self-serving. It's built on what the partner provides THEM (i.e security) and is often rushed due to their inability to function alone. In the nine years I spent with my wife, I slowly realised that there was an expectation for me to offer constant sympathy to the 100 pains and problems she suffered every day, yet if I had a problem of my own (which was rare) she would not reciprocate such support whatsoever.

 

I eventually concluded that if something serious happened (e.g, I was diagnosed with cancer), she'd be off like a greyhound out of the trap, and that is not the basis of a sustainable long-term relationship.

 

Did she love me or was it just a big illusion to keep me on the leash? I'm still undecided but even if it was 'love', it was extremely fickle and not the type that someone of a normal mindset develops.

[revitup]

Porridge,I concur.

 

REV

[Downtown]

Re the 'love' that a BPD feels - from the reading i've done on this it remains one of the hottest topics for debate.

Yes, it is a very contentious issue on the websites devoted to us "Nons" (nonBPDers). Indeed, the number one question that we Nons most want answered -- after we come stumbling out of a BPD relationship -- is "Did she really love me or was it all fake?" The Nons are strongly divided on the answer, with many believing that BPDers simply cannot love.

 

My experience, however, is that this view is so very wrong. I believe BPDers are able to love and tend to be very caring individuals (unless they have comorbid NPD or ASPD, as discussed below). Their problem is not being uncaring but, rather, unstable. Yet, because their emotional development was frozen at the level of a four year old (if they have very strong traits), they are only able to love like a very young child does.

 

How bad can that immature love be to live with? Not so bad, is it? After all, you don't see parents run screaming away from their young children just because they know that "I love you" mostly means "I desperately need you to love me." No, that is not God awful. On the other hand, it falls far short of what is needed to sustain a marriage of two adults. For that reason, no emotionally healthy adult is willing to settle for that impaired form of love in a marriage partner.

 

Assuming your BPDer spouse really loved you in that child-like way, a related issue is whether she was loving your true features or, rather, ones she had projected onto you. Because her perception of you was seriously distorted much of the time, the answer likely is that (after the infatuation evaporated) she loved a mixture of real and projected qualities. My exW, for example, seemed to love me only as long as I continued walking on eggshells, not being my true self.

 

That said, all the BPDers I have discussed this with on BPD websites are insistent that they experience their affection for a partner as true love. Yet, I take this to mean "true love as experienced by a young child." And I also take it to mean that they are loving a distorted image consisting of both real and projected qualities -- in the same way that, when they are splitting the partner black, they are hating a combination of real and projected flaws.

 

All of us experience this immature form of love every time we "fall in love" with a new person. It is extremely exciting but, of course, has no staying power in mature adults (because we generally integrate our feelings instead of splitting them). We call it "infatuation" to distinguish it from the mature form of love, which occurs months later and which requires that you love the real aspects of a person, not the projected and imagined aspects.

 

My view, then, is that BPDers love in the same immature way that four year olds are able to love. It is exactly what you get when raising a young child, who is incapable of seeing the "real you" and is in a constant state of splitting, i.e., either adoring Daddy or hating Daddy, depending on whether Daddy is meeting the child's needs at that moment. Hence, claiming that BPDers are "unable to love" is the equivalent of making the same claim about very young children. I like to think that the children, as well as the BPDers, are able to love.

 

Finally, I believe that it is the BPDers' ability to love -- and their ability to split it off so perfectly that they can flip to hating the same person in just a few seconds -- that distinguishes BPDers from narcissists and sociopaths. A second distinction is that, whereas BPDers are unstable, the narcissists and sociopaths are not.

I'm still undecided but even if it was 'love', it was extremely fickle and not the type that someone of a normal mindset develops.

I agree. I also will concede that a significant share of BPDers may be incapable of loving. Likewise, a significant share of BPDers speak French and have blond hair. I nonetheless would argue that their inability to love -- like their native language and hair color -- are NOT traits of BPD. Rather, that inability to love is a trait of a second, comorbid PD.

 

The vast majority of BPDers (about 75%) have one or two other PDs as well. Indeed, almost 40% of BPDers have co-occurring NPD (See Table 3 at Prevalence, Correlates, Disability, and Comorbidity of DSM-IV Borderline Personality Disorder: Results from the Wave 2 National Epidemiologic Survey on Alcohol and Related Conditions.) So what does this combination imply? Well, I suppose that, because instability is central to BPD and inability to love is central to narcissism, it means that a person having both disorders is unstable (thus satisfying BPD) and unable to love (thus satisfying NPD).

 

The implication, then, must be that BPDers are unable to love if they also suffer from comorbid, full-blown NPD (or ASPD). I say "I suppose" above because I've never seen this view spelled out by any reliable, professional source.

[revitup]

Downtown went deep in it here,he is right.

 

My belief or theory is less complex because I am simple minded and I am not as smart as I look!

 

So here it is.

 

I don't care to ask myself "Did she really Love me" questions anymore but at the onset it drove me crazier than she did.

 

When STBXWW came 5 hours here to steal the DD15's boat after 10 months away from DD15,me and the home it was amazing and awful.

 

STBXWW looked at the small puppies just born a month before-they are adorable and just like the family pet we have had for many years.

 

STBXWW looked at the little puppies as she had a crack dealer dude in her rented truck and said "AWWWWW". She meant it!She then proceeded to steal the boat with no remorse nor compassion to either DD15 or REV.

 

What I saw that day was this-STBXWW had REMEMBERED ! She remembered loving something-the family pet! That is how I see it- you are forgotten within days when one of these PD monsters of the waif/queen/narc types walks out the door.The love for you isn't gone-it's forgotten until they need it to get back on their feet!

 

OUT OF SIGHT-OUT OF MIND!

 

REVITUP

[Porridge]

Very interesting reading and something which I think I might ponder on for a bit before writing any further thoughts.

 

Rev's animal story also brought me back. The ex had a dog - beautiful little spaniel which she bought as a puppy (before I had met her).

 

It was when the dog was about nine years old that the ex had one of her 'blips' where she'd shattered the trust of everyone. We had split, my family were upset and angry at her, and the ex was on a crusade to run to a new life with a clean slate (she does this every few years).

 

Oddly, the dog also beame baggage in the ex's pursuit. Whether this was because she associated the dog with me, or whether it was holding her back from doing what she wanted, i'm not sure. However, she coldly gave it away to an elderly couple without an apparent shred of emotion. Even months later, there never seemed to be any remorse despite having brought it up and lived with it for nine years.

 

I still to this day think about the little dog and wonder if she's still around. Ex was able to blot her out within minutes though. But in truth, do they really blot it out, or do they just fail to grieve and thereby shove the emotional upset into the depths of their minds, thereby creating even more torture to resurface at some time in the future?

 

Sorry to OP too as we seem to have hijacked his thread a bit. Maybe worth setting up an official PD thread if there isn't one already on here.

[Baileys2]

No problem, I am enjoying the lessons of life. I feel much better today, more at peace with taking control back of my life and after realising that it is my own neediness that has allowed me to allow my wife to treat me like a fall guy, I take comfort in gaining new strength to keep this push pull cycle from happening again.

[Porridge]

No problem, I am enjoying the lessons of life. I feel much better today, more at peace with taking control back of my life and after realising that it is my own neediness that has allowed me to allow my wife to treat me like a fall guy, I take comfort in gaining new strength to keep this push pull cycle from happening again.

 

That's the best thing i've read on here. It hurts the pride to accept your own insecurities, but it's necessary and will ultimately make you a stronger person.

 

Really pleased for you OP. By the way, are you in the UK? I thought you might be after reading a few of your select words.

[Baileys2]

Yes, in Derbyshire, and you?

[Porridge]

I'll PM you once i'm able to, but i'm about 150 miles from you.

 

Following Downtown's links, one lead me onto another and I ended up reading the following:

 

DO YOU LOVE TO BE NEEDED, OR NEED TO BE LOVED?

 

It does go on a bit but what's special about it is that it turns your whole experience on it's head and starts to talk about YOU.

 

Basically, those of us who tend to get hooked to BPD's are what are frequently termed as 'Care Givers'. We feel empowered and secure by looking after needy/damaged people. If a person is emotionally stable and independent (e.g, a potentially good partner), we tend to feel a lack of value and belonging. Yes, in an ironic sense, this is us with abandonment fears just like the BPD!

 

Now i'm regarded as a pretty strong character in my circles, but this article really hit home on a few points. Not all, but certainly a few.

 

And as previously said, this is where the growth starts (for me as well, i'm with you on this and Rev has spent a long time doing so too). Progress isn't about healing/reconnecting with the ex, it's about realising why we have such needs to do so, and what we can do to start identifying it and managing it.

 

We can only manage and improve ourselves. Time to do so.

[Baileys2]

Couldn't agree more, you just described me to a T. Yes do pm me.

 

I'm reading the compassionate mind approach to building self confidence. It's got me on a path of self discovery, healing from inside and being kind to myself. It's a journey, which is much better than where I was just a week or two ago. I'm ever so grateful to everyone here on this forum for the support I have bed given. It's made a real diffences to me.

[Baileys2]

I wonder if anyone can answer this, if there is known issues with hypersensitivity to criticism of covert narcissists.

 

My wife contacted me recently and gave explanations of my "bad behaviour" and revisiting the account she gave, she referred to instances when I have said things that have offended her, for example, my wife had left a bag containing glass jars and bottles at the bottom of the stairs (in readiness for taking to the recycling bank) and I had said that it was a dangerous place to leave them as the kids could have injured themselves, I had said it in a polite but matter of fact way, not aggressive or abusive, but my wife referred to this as an incident when I had been harsh with her, to the point of virtually being offensive.

 

It is becoming clearer that my wife has left based on numerous occasions when she feels I have been overly criticism or aggressive with her, when in actual fact, I treated very carefully, but did not always sugar coat the way I talked to her. I could just do with some views on this.

 

Thanks

[Downtown]

I wonder if anyone can answer this, if there is known issues with hypersensitivity to criticism of covert narcissists.

Yes, Baileys, their hypersensitivity is well known. Both NPDers and BPDers are very sensitive to criticism -- or even your failing to agree with them -- because they both have low self esteem. With people who dislike themselves, the last thing they want to hear is one more thing to add to the long list of things they hate about themselves.

 

With NPDers, however, this self loathing is buried deep in their subconscious and they are not consciously aware of it. Like BPDers, the NPDers have a weak sense of who they really are. Indeed, the NPDers are so completely out of touch with their true selves that they are convinced the perfect false self image they project is the true self.

 

That delusion is actually one of the reasons NPDers are so emotionally stable (because they always believe they know who they are). Maintaining that delusion, however, requires frequent "validation" from other people who agree with them. In contrast, the BPDers are emotionally unstable -- largely because they are well aware that they don't know who they are and that their false self image is fake. This, at least, is my understanding, Baileys.