Support needed-Unusual behaviour from wife

[revitup]

Baileys2, Porridge has just written my life for you!

 

Porridge Rev Downtown M30 and many more here have been of the same mind set as you are now.

 

I bet she stops you from "bringing up her past" even if "her past was yesterday"! I bet your past is always on the table though.

 

I bet you are told "you are a grown man" anytime you ask for attention or a special request is made of her for your benefit.

 

I bet she "can't remember" a lot of her childhood or what even happened with her x's sometimes.

 

I bet she says "you deserve better-I don't know why you would want me"?

 

I bet she thinks "women are always up to something"

 

Baileys2, My STBXWW just like yours would get angry about me going outside to be on the phone-I will always go out to smoke when on the phone as I don't smoke in the house.She would use that against me when she knew I was talking to my own brother ! It turned into "why are you so secretive"?

 

Baileys2 you probably got "sex bombed" at times? Did she rock your world in ways no other woman had done and then days later call you names?

 

Did you get "I'm so proud of you Baileys2 for ________ I just wish you had done it before"? Or now I want you to ________________?

 

If none of these apply-You should stay,if they do apply-Run like a hostage breaking out of an Al Quaeda cave!

 

We who were strong enough to destroy our own selves in order to "hang in there" with a BPDR know what we speak of here.

 

The results of "Losing yourself to prove your love for another person" always ends with -LOSING YOURSELF.

 

REVITUP

[Baileys2]

The sex was great, but that took a long time to build, but no, I don't really recognise what you have put in the last post, she was very sensitive to any form of critisism, ruminated on her CFS most days ( friends are her support group, always on forums looking up illness details and alike) but usually, just a placid, easy going woman, who was very loving. She used to use her illness as a reason to get out of doing what I wanted her to do, but I only saw that occasionally.

 

I picked up that she spoke very derogatory about her ex husbands, and though she apologised for calling me abusive in our first marriage, she has since retracted that. Other than being over sensitive, maybe a bit neurotic at times, things were very stable. She was very thougful towards me, very caring, very much a giver. But. One tiny amount of emotional difficulty, she is off, I'm back to being an abusive man, our marriage was crap, and we don't work, despite her expressing every day, in words and actions that until our argument, she had never been happier. Tat is why I am so confused.

 

She is refusing all communication about us, just says we are over, then changes the subject.

[revitup]

The sex was great, but that took a long time to build, but no, I don't really recognise what you have put in the last post, she was very sensitive to any form of critisism, ruminated on her CFS most days ( friends are her support group, always on forums looking up illness details and alike) but usually, just a placid, easy going woman, who was very loving. She used to use her illness as a reason to get out of doing what I wanted her to do, but I only saw that occasionally.

 

I picked up that she spoke very derogatory about her ex husbands, and though she apologised for calling me abusive in our first marriage, she has since retracted that. Other than being over sensitive, maybe a bit neurotic at times, things were very stable. She was very thougful towards me, very caring, very much a giver. But. One tiny amount of emotional difficulty, she is off, I'm back to being an abusive man, our marriage was crap, and we don't work, despite her expressing every day, in words and actions that until our argument, she had never been happier. Tat is why I am so confused.

 

She is refusing all communication about us, just says we are over, then changes the subject.

 

 

OP I have highlighted the curious way your denial phase is making you see things differently than I.

 

This is probably just an illusion as my STBXWW says I am crazy though.I'm sure she (like your wife ) would say "Rev is taking that out of context"-although I copied it verbatim.

 

Hope I'm wrong but know I'm right.

 

REVITUP

[Baileys2]

I see, it's heard when your caught up in the middle of it. The behaviours you highlighted were underlying, rather than generally on the surface, but I see the point your trying to make. Yes, I probably am in denial, it's a safe place for me right now. It's the contrast I struggle with, but hat I do know is is. Having asked more times than count as t why she has actually left me, discounting the drunken text, she has given me nothing really to go on, and changes the subject when pushed for an answer. I emailed her and said if you don't love me, just say and you'll never hear from me again, she didn't reply to that either.

 

It's the indifference, the total lack of interest or care that is most telling and as far away from her demeanour towards me as it is possible to get from how she used to treat me.

[Misadventure]

Baileys, she's a runner... My soon to be ex is the same.

 

They just keep running their entire lives...

 

 

Yeah, she will keep doing this.. you have to decide if you still want to play that game or get off the hamster wheel.

[Baileys2]

That's the place I'm at now, that decision making stage. I'm getting angry because she could answer me if she wanted, and the fact that she knows how upsetting it is for me, makes me even more angry that she is playing me, when all she need do is give a simple explanation about why she feels we don't work, or just say she don't love me any more and I would walk away.

 

I think that the more she ignored my genuine requests for her to be straight with me, knowing she could be straight with me if she wanted, it is pushing me away to the point of me wanting to just walk away. I'm not there yet though, mainly because of being in denial and all of not wanting to believe our relationship is over and had been build in a foundation of straw, if that makes sense.

Edited September 12, 2013 by Baileys2

[Mr. Lucky]

I text back, whilst pissed as a newt and said something along the lines of her being boring, going to bed early every night leaving me alone each night and for all the good that was, I way as well be on my own, and if she didn't like what I was saying, she didn't have to stay. it was all said in the heat of the moment, none of it meant.

It sounds like there's some inappropriate brinksmanship on both your parts. In 25 years of marriage and through some pretty good arguments, neither my wife nor I have ever suggested that the other person leave the relationship. And that's probably because neither of us would consider that outcome a "win".

 

Totally inappropriate on your part regardless of your wife's behaviors...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Baileys2]

Whilst i can see your perspective Mr Lucky, it was on the back drop of a mountain of stress at home, all from external sources, and me having got drunk for only the second time in 12 years. I had gone to another room to ensure I did not offend anyone, something I have always done, unfortunately my wife bombarded me with text after text and in the heat of the moment, things were said that should never have been. I won't be the first or last to say something that wasn't meant in the heat of the moment. Given we only had two arguments in 4 years, that is not bad going I don't think, but I accept fully, I should never had said what I did, and have apologised many times to that effect.

Edited September 12, 2013 by Baileys2

[Porridge]

That's the place I'm at now, that decision making stage. I'm getting angry because she could answer me if she wanted, and the fact that she knows how upsetting it is for me, makes me even more angry that she is playing me, when all she need do is give a simple explanation about why she feels we don't work, or just say she don't love me any more and I would walk away.

 

I think that the more she ignored my genuine requests for her to be straight with me, knowing she could be straight with me if she wanted, it is pushing me away to the point of me wanting to just walk away. I'm not there yet though, mainly because of being in denial and all of not wanting to believe our relationship is over and had been build in a foundation of straw, if that makes sense.

 

 

She won't make a call because she wants the best of both worlds. She wants to pursue her new life but also have you as backup in case it doesn't work out.

 

If she says she loves you, then she is then pushed to commit to you and she doesn't want that.

 

If she says she doesn't love you, then you might walk away and stop being her safety net. She doesn't want that either.

 

So she keeps silent and tries to maintain both options. If you push, she'll pull. If you pull, she'll push. She'll constantly be looking to keep that ideal distance where you're available but aren't interfering.

[Baileys2]

What would your advice be porridge in terms if bringing the situation around, should I do nothing and wait and see? She is adamant she won't be coming back to me, so if that's her position, would it make any difference by saying she doesn't love me anymore.

[revitup]

Porridge is being nicer to you than I am Baileys2...

 

We all know why she isn't telling you that she doesn't love you and refusing to explain what she's thinking.

 

She will not give you CLOSURE nor VALIDATION under any circumstances! She has the mindset of a FOUR YEAR OLD kid.Emotionally she is incapable of telling you anything that would ever make sense to a grown man or woman.

 

Unless.....You are well trained (as we were ) to "understand her better than anyone in the whole wide world"!

 

You think you need closure or a fact to hang onto and she knows you "NEED" that as well-by keeping you deprived of the one thing you need which only SHE can provide - she stays is in control.

 

You need nothing from her but to leave you alone long enough for your mind to take over your heart.

 

When this happens you will think you were CRAZY for not seeing what we all see today.

 

The process is a process but it's up to the individual as to how long it takes.You have seen the ending of this movie before-we are showing you highlight reels and movie trailers today.

 

Your best thinking and strategery have brought you right where you are today.

 

Maybe you should try something different.

 

Thinking about you brother.

 

REVITUP

[Porridge]

What would your advice be porridge in terms if bringing the situation around, should I do nothing and wait and see? She is adamant she won't be coming back to me, so if that's her position, would it make any difference by saying she doesn't love me anymore.

 

Firstly, Rev's post above is spot on. You're wanting answers from a mind that doesn't work like yours does. Let's give a more extreme example - you're walking your dog and a psychopath walks up and stabs it. You want answers as to why he did it. He did it because he's damn well mad! It doesn't matter what reasons he gives you, it's ultimately because he's of an unstable mindset.

 

A BPD isn't mad but again, their brain works differently to others. So asking for answers is doing so on the expectation that they understand, share and appreciate your values, but they don't. Proper answers are not possible, you need to let that one go and understand that it will never make sense to you.

 

Re your question, you're asking what you should do but I still don't understand what your intention is. To be honest, BPD or no BPD, want to reconcile or don't want to reconcile, I would say your best course of action is what many people preach on here - the 180. The pain you're feeling right now is not because of your ex, but because you can't let things go. The only way you'll get closure is when you demonstrate an intent to get on with your own life.

 

Rev sums it up well - when you reach your 'epiphany', you'll truly wonder what the hell you were doing wasting your life on this unworkable relationship.

[2sunny]

Hi Mr Lucky, yes, I know, it kind of seems nuts to want to keep hanging in there. All I can say is that its my fight against the woman I shared my life with every day this last 4 years and being able to face the reality of who, or rather what she turns into when her emotions get aroused. I cant stress enough the last 4 years has been the best of my entire adult life, and deep down, I still cannot believe what is going on, despite seeing it with my own eye. I am one of life's problem sobers (I work in criminal justice helping offenders change their lives) and I guess I never expected her to respond this way having been stable for 4 years. Its just disbelief I think, and optimism that maybe things will eventually be different this time, thought it is looking like I have ben hung out to dry yet again.

I was wondering the best approach to my wife that might actually diffuse the current stale mate of her not communicating, so that at least we can talk. any thoughts?

 

Best approach?

 

Divorce her. It seems she isn't changing - and you should have known better than to think anything about her has changed.

 

Any person who can completely disconnect that much - has very odd coping means.

 

I'm left wondering WHY YOU thought marrying her again was a good idea when her pattern is so consistent?

[revitup]

Baileys2,

Tell us in a few lines what it will be like for her next victim after you.I really mean that, what will she do in the first,week,month,holiday, year and onward in time?

 

What advice would you give to the man who dares try and make her happy for life?

 

REVITUP

Edited September 12, 2013 by revitup
just cause

[2sunny]

Does this woman work? Can she support herself/kids without the help of all these other men?

[Baileys2]

Thanks everyone.

 

No my wife has never worked, when not with me, she has been on state benefits, which she has gone back to now. When she left last time, she asked for no financial package, just walked away, and took only her own belongings. It looks like the same thing this time. I have offered her money to help get by but she does not want anything. He father bails her out as well and he has lots of money right now.

 

The next guy. It will be her telling him that she has been married and divorced 4 times and each time her husband changed, became controlling or abusive, and she had no choice but to leave.

 

I would suggest that after the first few months of regular sex and enjoying all the new attention, they will settle into a nice quiet life, so long as he is very understanding over her need to lots of pampering about her health and so long as he is not big into sport. If he is (i wasn't but her other partners were) she will quietly agree for them to watch sport all the time, only to resent them for it afterwards, likely she will keep her true feelings to herself if anything in the relationship is bothering her, only to leave again as soon as any arguments happen.

 

If he was to be a swearer, drink too much, or have a bit of an aggressive disposition, it would not surprise me of her calling the police on him if he was to lose his temper with her, and i don't mean violence.

 

The hard part is that I am very good at accepting people for who they are and given how close we had been (you had to be there to see it, we have been inseparable), I never thought nothing much of her needy ways, of her over sensitive ways, because i was able to understand that was just how she was, and i loved her, just for the person she was..

 

I agree, evidence suggests she will not tell me what she really left or why she is so adamant she will not come home. What i do recognise is that even though she has told some of our mutual friends that she still loves me, her actions are very cold and uncaring, hurtful, and total indifference. That hurts let me tell you. I am here just wondering where my wife has gone, again. I do not know if this is BPD, but I do recognise she is passive aggressive, and needs things just a certain way or else she says she cannot cope. She also has a strange view of our relationship because in her own words to me the morning before we split up and in all her actions over the last 4 years, she appeared do very very happy. She left after i upset her, and i was very wrong for what i did, but with only two arguments in 4 years, i had just expected to apologise for being an ass, no such luck, it was the end of our marriage. That has left me still, totally in shock.

Edited September 12, 2013 by Baileys2

[2sunny]

It's not unusual for her! She has her pattern set.

 

She uses men to pay her way - including Daddy.

 

She will soon move n to a new and unsuspecting guy.

 

Just cut all contact and move forward.

 

No need to communicate at all - let an attorney handle it. Learn from your past - she's not CAPABLE of being authentic about how she feels.

[keepontruckin]

She left after i upset her, and i was very wrong for what i did, but with only two arguments in 4 years, i had just expected to apologise for being an ass, no such luck, it was the end of our marriage. That has left me still, totally in shock.

Bro, in five years, my wife and I didn't raise our voices towards each other once. Not one time.

 

The week that she left, I yelled at her twice.

 

You see, it wasn't me that changed, it was her wanting a justifiable out, and she pushed my buttons that week to achieve it.

 

She needed a justifiable reason to leave, so she created one. She needed a reason for herself, for her parents, etc... So she created one.

[revitup]

Baileys2,

 

Never worked-STBXWW didn't either.This is another sign in some BPDr's personality traits.Mother/wife of the year, right up til they screw you over and leave you wondering why.Everyone around you were pre-programmed by her in secret.They were told how awful it was "behind the scenes" for years.

 

Your story of her future is accurate.Pampering new victim will have Dr appointments and unnecessary medical visits to deal with soon.He then will (just like me) be a professional babysitter/therapist/ATM for a physically grown yet emotionally and mentally stunted woman.

 

Personally I won't be in this position again and in the beginning I told Gunny that "one day" I would be here to educate anyone I saw going down this road.

 

I think you are in the same boat as many of us here.

 

Welcome aboard mate!

 

REVITUP

[Porridge]

Baileys2,

 

Never worked-STBXWW didn't either

 

Yup. To be fair, mine did get two jobs in the nine years we were together. It's just that both lasted less than three weeks

 

Another couple of warning signs:

 

1. Awful at managing money. Don't leave them responsible for bills.

 

2. Compulsive liar.

 

3. Impulsive decisions and behaviour.

 

If they ring true, it's nailed on.

[revitup]

Yes Porridge-Mine too.Three jobs one was a volunteer.one ofr 3 months and one for 2 I think.

 

And everything else you said!

 

STBXWW also suddenly had the need for two tonsillectomies (bleeder) and two separate nasal surgeries-these were awful as all get out.One to open the nasal (nothing wrong though) and one to fix the hole left by the first nasal surgery!She really just used this as an excuse to get her nose partly straightened-according to the surgeon she had it broken long ago but she "couldn't remember it".

 

REVITUP

[Baileys2]

My wife sent me this yesterday after I sent her an itunes voucher: "Thank u for the iTunes voucher. New artist I found is Sissel you might like ."* I replied and asked what she bought with her voucher and she has gone back to ignoring me. It was the first contact form her in over a month bat the "we are over email".

[Porridge]

My wife sent me this yesterday after I sent her an itunes voucher: "Thank u for the iTunes voucher. New artist I found is Sissel you might like ."* I replied and asked what she bought with her voucher and she has gone back to ignoring me. It was the first contact form her in over a month bat the "we are over email".

 

A test to see if you'd respond. You did, so she's happy that her safety net is still there. You can go back to f*****g off now.

 

Next time ignore her and make her think.

[Baileys2]

Thanks porridge. I had thought as much.

[Baileys2]

I think realisation is hitting in. I heard from a couple of friends over the week who just found out the wife left. Shocked was an understatement. But talking it through, it is becoming obvious that nothing I will do or say will change the status quo. My wife says "I can't say what you want me to say" to stop me dead in my tracks when I have asked to talk about how we we ended up here. Having written to her and discussed the fantastic 4 years we had, just how inseparable we had been and how devoted she had been to me to at least highlight that even though she felt the need to leave, we had still managed to spend much of the last 4 years in a very romantic and supportive relationship, but as with all my efforts, i was just simply ignored.

 

Some on here have suggested her actions may be a sign of BPD, of that I am not sure, but what I do I know is that I have never had any other partner change on a sixpence from being devoted to me to expressing total indifference. I guess I am far from alone in having a relationship end this way. I had never understood the way she left in 2006, then, we had no communication, it was wife walk out, 4 days later a letter from her solicitor to advise she had filed for divorced. The end, bar her calling the police on me 18 months later after I forwarded some post that had come for her.

 

This time, given its the second time she has left so abruptly, I have witnessed from the communications we have had a total disassociation from any feelings to do with our life, my children (her step children) our dog that she doted on.

 

I have tried the rationalise way of thinking, looking for answers, a way through. But I'm coming to the conclusion that this switch, from idolisation to wanting me out if her life forever is her one and only set of tools in her toolbox for resolving relationship difficulties, not that I knew we had any.