Support needed-Unusual behaviour from wife

[Baileys2]

I can see some BPD traits, but perhaps dominant NPD of the vulnerable kind. I found these links and having read them, I can see lots of similarities.

 

I think I have no chance to get my wife to seek help. She believes I am the one with the problem, and husband no. 1 and 3, she doesn't want any contact and according to our for ends, doesn't give me or my kids a second thought. Though she may do in the quiet times.

 

Other than her mum dying when she was 12 (as did mine) and being raised by a strict, un-emathetic and B&W thinking father, there is no trauma to speak of, not according to family. The first husband was a nice man, but she controlled him totally, and spoke to him like he was a child, which is just how she refereed to him. All I know is that whenever she leaves, me or why ever she leaves me, and who ever she goes on to have a relationship with, she tells everyone I am still the love of her life, and that is how she treats me until se hit problems, usually just outside the honeymoon period.

 

The Covert (Closet/Stealth) Narcissist - Malignant Self-Love/Covert Narcissism (Narcissistic Personality Disorder - NPD)

 

syhcovertnarcissist

[dreamingoftigers]

Well, Christ,

 

That DOES sound more like NPD.

 

I give up.

The official diagnosis: she's so screwed up we can't tell if she's BPD or NPD.

But either way don't put the salt in the wrong place at the table or you'll get divorced again.

 

Yes, to explain further, my wife just cannot accept criticism. full stop. Also, she her concern for her step children, or even her own for that matter is non existent at the time she decides to leave the relationship. All our children we happy, settles, we all got on fabulously, but I upset my wife, and she moves out he next day, kids too, no thought to trying to work things out to ensure their stability, it is what she wants and what she wants goes.

 

It is the loving side I struggle with most, I know they can mimmic true feelings, but until she left, I truly bee lived I was the love of her life. She did things that were so thoughtful, always affectionate, buying me things, caring for me, I always felt the love was genuine, but I wonder if she gave the same stories to all the other men she dated, I just don't know, Because one time when she left after I criticised her son, before our fist marriage she left me, and a week later is having sex with the plumber who came to fix the boiler. This is the same woman who insisted on no sex before marriage with her first husband and told me that her religious beliefs would not allow her to sleep around etc. 3 months later when the plumber didn't work out, she is back knocking on my door, professing undying love, though she want thinking of me when she was sleeping with him.

 

When she left our first marriage she camera back 9 months later on the proviso she wanted us to be friends, but hunted she may consider getting back with me because the guy she dated after leaving me didn't work out, but I wasn't sure and she then decided instead of talking to just cut me dead. she then went and married another man, but only after that marriage didn't work out did she get in touch with me, once again professing undying love, and this time she can cook most nights, have sex regally, is financially generous and thoughtful, goes to the cinema every week, (all the things she couldn't do in our first marriage) and now she walks out again, saying she loves me but will not tolerate my nasty behaviour, my disrespect to her father, my constant rages and my vernally ungrateful and discourteous behaviour, that she says caused her to feel on edge al the time and in fear of me erupting into terrifying rages. Its all in her head.

 

So I think there is more than one aspect of PD going on, and the more I look, the more I see, confusion a lll the way.

 

I want to bee live she truly loved me, but I am just not sure.

 

She did though seem so happy, sending me love notes with my sandwiches, cuddles before and after going to work, very loving sex, text messages daily for 4 years saying how much she loves me and how happy she is. She asks me to sort our wills, out, plan to do up the house, no sign or mention of unharness, then I upset her one time, then she leaves, and i get a list as long as your arm, something exaggerated, some totally fictitious and andy times I have criticised her acre changed to me screaming abuse in her face. All of which she believes.

 

I looked up shy/vulnerable NPD and she seemed to fit more. Also she is read about Critical Parent Head in terms of Transactional Analysis, and that seemed pos too. So confusing this one., Trust me to fall in love with someone who on the surface is as easy going, accommodating and loving as it is possible to get, only for her to be as complicated as it is possible to get too.

[dreamingoftigers]

I've seen BPD cut kids out.

 

But it's because they overfocus on the primary relationship instead, to the exclusion of the children.

[Downtown]

She's a BPD. If you look at the other traits the only thing that was really missing was her turning angry/depressed on a dime, which she does apparently.

The lack of overt anger could be explained by her being a waif "quiet borderline." The main thing missing, IMO, is an explanation for her apparent stability during the four years of their marriage. As you know so well, the hallmark of BPD is instability. Baileys may be mistaken but he describes her as happy and stable throughout that period:

We had gone nearly 4 years with only one argument, she was or appeared

so

very happy. I had never been treated better, or more consistently. We were like two teenagers in love, it was magical (Baileys' post #90 above).

[Baileys2]

Downtown, no arguments, no cross words, no fallings out, no nastiness, for nearly 4 years. Just doting towards each other, all day every day. We had one argument in january when i raised my voice because I said if I lost my job (redundancies looming) I MAY have to consider moving to find work, IF it meant I could lose the house, it as all ifs. She refused to even consider moving, even if the house was repossessed. She said she would not leave her father or her "support network" for her CFS/ME, which amounted to her new best friend.

 

She said she would allow us to separate rather than move, and we had only just married. She then quickly changed tactic and said I was asking for an instant decision, which I wasn't. but that was our only argument up until I text her over the BBQ that she wouldn't join in. She had been mardy and negative and that one fall out led to her leaving me. She shower me in love, we were totally devoted to each other. I have never felt more loved. One fall out, and its all over, same is in marriage no.2, and to husband no.3.

 

Argument, fall out, "splitting" I'm history.

 

Our first marriage ended just the same, so did her marriage to husband no.3. all ok, no issue, lovey duvvy, found bottles, accused him of being an alcoholic, she kicks him out, calls the police n him when he is seen near the house and accuses him of stalking her, same as she did me when she left our first marriage. as she i spoke to her about it, she seemed to genuinely believe we were stalking her, in my case i only bumped into her 6 months after she left to me, and then 6 months after that, i forwarded on some post. its like she is hypersensitive to life. Gets scared so easy.

Edited November 11, 2013 by Baileys2

[Baileys2]

Summary.

 

my wife, portrays herself and comes across as a kind, generous, thoughtful almost angel like persona. Never making mistakes, always attentive, appreciative, fair. She believes in her religious belief and tries to live a good christian life. She is limited in her expression of emotions, and her temperament is always still, never losing her temper, shouting, or causing disputes. She has high standards and high expectations of others. She is not forthcoming with empathy for others, and is quite judgemental, though would never admit to being so. She also states she has CFS/ME, and says she gets unwell (tired) easily, and I know that she has been diagnoses and treated these last few years with Anxiety. (General Anxiety Disorder). This is how my wife comes across, to everyone.

 

She text me daily to say she loved and misses me.

I get cuddled before i leave for work and the moment i walk in the door at night

She is doting on me, bringing me breakfast, cooking lovely meals, and we sit with her legs over mine every night cuddling watching tv

sex life has been great,

Shows, me, tells me and all our friends and family just how lucky we are to have gotten back together.

 

But, there is more….

 

Our first marriage was a dream. We were devoted to each other. there was some stress caused by her children, but not between us. My wife said (but had maybe in actual fact pretended) her health was so bad she could not go to the cinema, insisting to go to a restaurant each week instead. When I called her selfish after putting up with this situation every single week for a year and I questioned her health, being as she was well enough to go to church, well enough to go and see her friends, go shopping etc, she left me, divorced me, called the Police on me twice and said I was abusive to her, and her children.

 

 

She walked out on a fairy-tail relationship. We never argued when we were together last time and I treated her like a queen, we had no fights, we were both devoted to each other, and the kids were doing ok.

 

my wife leaving caused her to lose everything that was important to her, she lost her husband, her home, her security, the kids being happy and settled. We were just about to celebrate our first wedding anniversary. Until our one argument over going to the cinema, my wife appeared very happy. When she left, she did not care that I had a breakdown, or that my kids were not coping. She became totally indifferent towards me, and towards my children, her step children. No love, no care, no compassion, no empathy. It was like I had wronged her, and moments later, I am dead to her, almost as if a light switch being turned off. (I now know this to be Splitting).

 

 

In 2009, my wife asked to get back with me after her relationship did not work out with husband no.3.

 

my wife asked to move in with me, my wife asked me to marry her. my wife text me daily to say how much she loved me and how happy she was when i was at work. my wife sent me to work with love notes most days in my sandwiches. my wife told me the day before she left that she had never been happier. Just the slightest bit of relational stress- one drunkenly sent text later, my wife has abandoned our wonderful marriage for the second time (first time was after our first and only argument). Saying now that we just don’t work, that she want not happy. (splitting me from all good, to all bad, all over again).

 

Despite all of my wife’s wonderful points, she is also:

*Highly negative in her outlook most day, other times she can be very optimistic.

*Exaggerates negative issues significantly, minimises positive outcomes the same way

*Highly sensitive to criticism

*Highly defensive

*Refuses to negotiate or compromise her opinion

*Only her opinion is the right one

*Lack of empathy towards partners at times, then leaves without any care or consideration to hurt or pain caused to partner or the children.

 

 

*“Splitting” idolises partner as all good for months or even years, until a minor mistake or criticism is made, then immediately devalues them, totally seeing them as all bad, blames them for everything, exaggerates problems, ignores all the positives, abandons relationships without even trying to save the marriage. One moment happy and in love, the next, hate you we are over. (splitting).

 

*Blame of others - always

*Rigid thinking

*Doesn’t learn from past mistakes

*Sense of entitlement

*Constant need for discussing health, daily, often for hours. The one time I ask her to talk about her health issues less, I am accused of showing NO interest of of being abusive EVERY TIME she needs to talk about her health.

*Constant need for health issues to be believes and understood by others (validated)

 

Then once she has decided to leave me:

 

*Exaggerated truths

*Lies

*Embellishment of the truth

*Denial of own failings

*Excess criticism of daily life issues portraying me as hurtful, aggressive, abusive etc

 

My adult son (early 20's) went up to see her a month after she left because I wasn't doing very well and he needed to talk to her, my wife refused to open the door to him or even talk to him on the phone. she has been his step mum and in his life for 9 of the last 12 years. That really hurt my as he really needed her and she just didn't care about him let alone me.

 

My wive's minister from the church she goes to visited me and my son offered to email him with what he observed o ver our marriage, as she had suggested that I was causing her to feel on edge, raging all the time and causing the house to have a terrible atmosphere, this was his account:

 

 

"Hi, thanks for coming over and speaking to my dad today, I just wanted to give my own opinion of the situation that has unfolded as if I have picked up anything it is that this entire scenario is anything but cut and dry.

 

If we start with why she left. She claims that my dad is in effect, abusive. This is simply not the case. As he has explained in terms of "big" disagreements in which raised voices (no name calling, no swearing though) was involved just a couple of occasions in the 3/4 years or so they have been together this time. Fair enough I am not always present but this negative atmosphere that she describes lasting for periods of weeks or months has not been seen by myself, and I am home virtually every day most weeks and away only on occasional weekends this last year and half or so. For the majority of their time together they appeared perfectly fine. Very much in love and happy for the duration of their marriage.

 

She says that my dad is controlling. In which dad's response is saying that he would let her do as she pleases, when she pleases. This too would be the case, I have never seen any evidence of controlling money or what she is allowed to do, dad always tells her to do however she pleases, he is besotted with her and always puts her needs first. She feels "You do not listen to me from time to time" equals he is completely controlling or don't listen at all, dad is very caring towards her always putting her first, always. That is also how she treated him.

 

I believe what she is doing is "thinking how she feels" and putting two and two together, rather than just seriously addressing the facts, which is that dad loves her and could not have treated her more affectionately. She always seemed so happy and also treated dad very affectionately too. I do not recognise the abusive relationship she now talks about, this time or when they were married before. Dad could not have treated her better. In recent months she and my dad still seemed as close as ever. In the week leading up to her leaving there were evident stresses. In this particular week a lot was going on with his work, health and external stresses such as having the builders in and the fireplace being rebuilt and she does not cope well with disruption. In this stressful environment all it took was the straw that broke the camels back for her to pick up and leave.

 

When my dad was on breaking point she text me with a pretty heartless apology. My response was then and which still stands now. You've walked out and gone about this in completely the wrong way. You're running away and not looking back at what you've left behind. You've taken a last resort as a first point of action. This is the exact same way the previous marriage ended. Which appeared to go from total bliss and happiness to her walking out in the space of a day with no explanation as to why, no fights or fallings out or even time to discuss. She just walked out following one brief disagreement about my dad trying for over a year to get her to go to the cinema with him, then as now without any warning, sweeping the rugs from our feet so to speak for a second time now".

 

 

Allegations:

 

A medical practitioner trying to sexually molest her when working as a 16/17 year old at a hospital. Her family member I spoke to said it was not true at all.

 

Accused first husband of being aggressive, violent on occasion, forcing himself on her sexually, when he was struggling to perform. (this had stopped her from engine much in sex during our first marriage, though no the second).

 

Accused her father in law of trying it on sexually with her. Her family member I spoke to said it was not true at all.

 

Accused another extend senior member of family of trying it on with her sexually. Her family member I spoke to said it was not true at all.

 

Accused relative of causing the break up of her first marriage, even though she left him for the reasons already stated of him being abusive.

 

Accused me of being abusive to her, over her health, money, being controlling, aggressive, of rages, during our first marriage.

 

Accused 3rd husband of being an alcoholic, and divorced him after 6 months, even though she told me that she never smelt alcohol on his breath and never saw him drinking, all abased on her finding some empty bottled, but told me she had to leave him for fear of him and the need to protect the children from his alcoholic behaviour

 

Left me again after i sent her some text when i was drunk, the first time in our entire 12 year history.

 

Left me once when we were first together after I criticised her sons behaviour,

she came back but left a few months later over a minor disagreement, and within a week, was having sex with the plumber.

 

Has left a total of 6 times now, each time, going from loving me to total devaluing me overnight. She told me she just shuts down all feelings, she says she has this switch that she turns everything off.

 

Believed all the abuse and allegations toward other to be entirely true.

 

 

This is a summary jut to make it all easier to follow

Edited November 11, 2013 by Baileys2

[2sunny]

I've followed it just fine.

 

Why are you WASTING MORE time and energy on her? On explaining about her?

 

She's twisted - she's broken!

 

The question really is - why have YOU settled for so little? Why waste MORe as time even thinking for one minute about her?

 

What about moving FORWARD?

[Baileys2]

Hi 2sunny. Getting a list from my wife with accusations and allegations of her reasons for leaving, including some that couldn't even be true had complicated my understand of what was going on to say the least.

 

Also, my wives behaviour and the ending of our marriage, having believed all our troubles were behind us has had a profound effect on me, and getting support here has helped me understand things better and has been a real life saver.

 

I also have a desire, if i understood what was happening, to maybe find a way forward, however unlikely this is, a view held by my wife family member, that also does not want her to continue down this hurtful and damaging path. So the more we know and understand, the better we and able to make sense of it all, and maybe, just maybe, come up with a way of getting her to see what is really happening, thought right now, that seems very unlikely.

[Porridge]

Some great reading over the past 24 hours!

 

Just a quick one from me - my ex is diagnosed BPD (refused anything but antidepressants though and seems to be getting worse with age) and is your stereotypical 'quiet borderline'.

 

There's some discussion above about whether a BPD can have episodes of the illness. On that subject, I think it's important to distinguish the difference between suffering for periods, or being able to tolerate the illness for periods. Actually, perhaps 'tolerate' is a bad word. 'Cope' might be more appropriate.

 

Dreaming's emotional pipe analogy is quite fitting for this (excuse the pun). My ex will always manipulate, lie, suffer extreme insecurity etc each and every day. That part is completely inescapable. However, she has periods where she can manage the symptoms to a point of covering them up and appearing quite normal. The problem is though, just like Dreaming's analogy, the prolonged ignorance of one's own emotions eventually becomes too much to bear and with it begins major episodes of obsessions, compulsions and recklessness.

 

We learnt my ex's pattern to such an extent that we could predict her cycles. For the first year she'd cope reasonably well but as we hit year two, her instabilities would start becoming evident. By year three she'd begin to totally lose control and this would eventually result in the breakdown of all relationships, friends, and possibly see her receive criminal charges.

 

So whilst the lies, deception, manipulation etc were daily, the catastrophic s**tstorm was in fact around once every 3 - 4 years.

[Downtown]

So whilst the lies, deception, manipulation etc were daily, the catastrophic s**tstorm was in fact around once every 3 - 4 years.

Porridge, IME, the "lies, deception, and manipulation" are characteristic of narcissists and sociopaths (or BPDers having strong traits of NPD or ASPD). Significantly, narcissists and sociopaths tend to be very stable individuals and thus may not cause fights for years at a time.

 

A BPDer, in contrast, is unstable and her two fears create distortions in her perceptions of the intentions of loved ones. The result is that, with only normal daily activity occurring, a BPDer's anger and fears get triggered frequently by trivial events. With my exW, e.g., she would blow up every two or three weeks (after we got through the infatuation period).

 

Generally, BPDers do not start fights so frequently because they are trying to manipulate, deceive, or lie. Rather, they start the fights because they genuinely believe they have been wronged or disrespected by the loved one. And, because they typically lack impulse control, they are immediately reactive to the misperceived incident -- they don't lie in wait (as a sociopath might do) for 3 or 4 years. Indeed, BPDers generally won't even wait until the next morning to vent their anger. They urgently feel it must be settled THIS VERY MOMENT.

[Baileys2]

I understand the pipe analogy, and it makes perfect sense.

 

It seems in my wives case, on tope of keeping some kind of inner record of my misdemeanours, once a bit of relationship stress hits home, the pipe bursts, maybe therefore, explaining how we can go nearly 4 years without a big flow out, in faintness, there wasn't even a minor blow out. But when that blow out comes, it triggered "Splitting", me then being immeadiately devalued and discarded, so too my children, a flow of lies and wild exaggerations, that are ranging from petty to somewhat impossible, all believed by my wife, and an impossibility on my part to ever convince my wife that not only not an abusive husband, but that her thinking is being negatively effected and that in actually fact, her reality is not the same reality as the rest of us experienced, in terms of our family setup and observations of our relationship.

 

Its all such a shame and such a waste.

[Michellinda]

Downtown may you please read my thread emotional abuse or done? I need your input.

[Downtown]

Michellinda, I've responded in your thread at http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/440164-emotional-abuse-done-2.html#post5336210.

[Downtown]

I've seen BPD cut kids out. But it's because they overfocus on the primary relationship instead, to the exclusion of the children.

Good point, Dreaming. I was over-reaching. Generally, however, high functioning BPDers -- and the vast majority are HF -- do quite well with young children because the kids are so dependent on them that they do not trigger either of the two fears, abandonment and engulfment. But this does not necessarily apply to very LF BPDers and, of course, there are exceptions even to the HF ones.

[imtooconfused]

Baileys2, I would like to thank you for posting this thread. While your situation is distinctly different than mine, there are some very particular parallels and the discussion back and forth between the participants has helped me to understand more clearly what is going on in my life. In particular this reference was shockingly familiar to me:

 

Recognizing Narcissistic Abuse (NPD - Narcissistic Personality Disorder)

 

I am sorry that I don't have any concrete advice for you other than what others have recommended to me... "Run, don't walk away from this relationship."