cheating GF - after the breakup and into the moving on phase...

[James-London]

Hey everyone,

 

So, I found out 4 weeks ago now that my gf of 1 year had slept with a guy 3 times in December. For the first few weeks I really struggled to come to terms with all this, but now I have left her and I understand that this was really the only option. As I look back over the relationship, I am trying to make sense of a few things, and would be grateful for your thoughts.

 

Here is my first question: is it common that a cheating GF can continue to show real and genuine love and affection for her BF when she has feelings for the OM at the same time? I am asking this because many of the times we had felt real, and I guess I want to believe she really cared for me.

 

In my situation, she met this guy 6 weeks into our relationship. I now understand that she felt an immediate chemistry with him that she did not have with me. They share interests in art and music and she felt some kind of emotional connection and affection.

 

However, she also told me that he is also a bit of a player and likes to have several women. My understanding of this is that she stayed with me because she could not get an exclusive relationship with him!! And she needed someone who would give her lots of attention all the time. She has not EXACTLY said this, but she has said that she felt more "safe and secure" with me. To me that sounds like the same thing. So, she kept quiet about the cheating, and settled for me as her "safe and secure" guy - ie, her 2nd choice. At least that is how it seems - she will not just answer my direct questions, which is very frustrating. What do you guys think?

 

As I look back, I do wonder what was real in the relationship. I do feel we had a connection and great fun when we were together. Also I know she cared about me because she would worry about me and check up on my projects etc. And our sex life was mostly good too. I just do not believe she could be so callous that she could spend all that time with me, show all that affection for me, and not still not feel ANYTHING.... but how could she cheat if she did have feelings for me?

 

Please do let me know your thoughts, especially from women who have cheated on their husbands/BFs. She has told me that she felt very lonely with me because I was too wrapped up with my job to spend enough time with her. I think this is part of why she cheated. But I am sure she also cheated because she was crazy about this OM, and she was not in love with me.

 

The other thing is that I strongly suspect she also slept with him 3 or 4 times in August/September 2012 and also April - June 2013. She has denied both of these, but I don't believe her. I have asked to see her telephone records and she has refused. Again, I'm trying to understand what was real in the relationship.

 

Now the relationship is over anyway, I find it extremely selfish that she cannot just tell me the whole truth. She has nothing to lose, and she knows it would really help me to move on. How would you guys deal with this situation? How do you let go? I can't email her again because I already sent her the last 4 emails so I would look desperate/pathetic if I wrote again.

 

Thanks in advance for all your thoughts!!

[crederer]

Yes, it's possible for her to be in love with both of you. But is that something you want to be a part of? Look out for yourself, not her.

 

Also, you mentioned in a previous thread she had a rough upbringing, so she's likely got emotional issues. Women with emotional issues are almost impossible to be with forever.

 

Just my own experience, never dated men but I'm sure it's the same for them too.

[heartshaped]

I don't think cheating indicates a lack of caring about a person, rather, it's the opposite. It indicates that the cheater cares too much about a person- themselves.

 

Whether she loved you or not is irrelevant. She paid no regard for your relationship, your feelings, or for you.

 

Some people are just incredibly selfish and have low moral standards. Moving on, I think it's important to realize that a) you didn't cause her to cheat and b) her cheating is a reflection of her character.

 

In the end, you can imagine she did it once or a million times. It doesn't really matter. Just write her off as the cheater she is and find someone deserving of your time, love, and affection.

[road]

James-London

 

The other thing is that I strongly suspect she also slept with him 3 or 4 times in August/September 2012 and also April - June 2013. She has denied both of these, but I don't believe her. I have asked to see her telephone records and she has refused. Again, I'm trying to understand what was real in the relationship.

 

 

Those that have nothing to hide, hide nothing. The gut feeling is always right. Trust your gut.

 

 

Now the relationship is over anyway, I find it extremely selfish that she cannot just tell me the whole truth. She has nothing to lose, and she knows it would really help me to move on. How would you guys deal with this situation? How do you let go? I can't email her again because I already sent her the last 4 emails so I would look desperate/pathetic if I wrote again.

 

 

Cheaters never admit to the truth. Your GF only admitted to what you could prove. It is damage control on their part. There could of been more OM not just that her affair lasted longer with the OM then she admitted to.

 

Hence she will not provide emails, text, phone bills.

 

Edit No reason to start a new thread.