Cliche? Ladies, help!

[burntout]

Quick recap of my situation - my ex and I are both in are mid-20's, went out for 2+ years, great relationship, bad communication at the end, we break up, she starts dating someone else soon thereafter. This hurt me, and we stop all communication for 6 months.

 

Then a couple of months ago, she starts calling again, tells me she broke up with the last guy because "he was the exact opposite of you", misses me.... she more or less comes running back to me. So over the last couple of months, we talk for hours each day on the phone and hang out every chance we get. She loves spending time with me as I do with her, but there is total restraint on her part. I've gone out of my way for her over the last couple of months, but I can't say she's done the same for me. She tells me she's very confused and doesn't know what she wants from me. It's f-ing crazy, she comes back into my life and wants me to treat her the same as when we were going out, however, she won't make any type of commitment to me. And, I've made it known to her that I want to give our relationship another try. We've now mutually decided to cut back on contact between each other. She says she loves me so much, but doesn't want to hurt me again like she did when we originally broke up, and that she doesn't have any clue as to what she wants. Ladies, is this bs?

[alphamale]

Sorry dude, I am not female but must reply anyways...

 

Sounds like she most likely is using you for emotional crutch. This is why i always say never to be friends with an ex unless you have children together. She is keeping you from moving on and finding someone else and this is selfish on her part buth then again she is a woman and they do these things.

 

"She says she loves you but does not want to hurt you again". this statement makes no sense whatsoever.

 

Sounds to me like when she came back on her hands and knees to you that you made it way too easy for her to return. Basically when a woman comes back this way you need to make her pay dearly and make it hard for her to come back even tho you may want her to. So now she is taking advantage of you since she knows you will always be there willing to take her back and sacrifice everything for her. THis is way bad and probably cannot be remedied.

[Pocky]

I don't think she is maliciously trying to manipulate you or the feelings you have for her. With that note:

 

I'd say you are a safety net for her. She feels comfortable with you. More than likely has genuine feelings for you. Knows that you won't hurt her and knows what type of person you are. After ending her previous relationship she may have considered the possibility that she made a mistake ending the relationship the two of you had. This may explain why she rushed back in so quickly - not so much that it was a rebound of the last relationship but more of a "****! Did I screw up?". It appears as time progresses that maybe she's not sure she actually did screw up and now reason is setting in and she's contemplating that her first decision was the right decision.

 

The best thing would be for you to back off a bit. Don't assume everything she says in a lie, but understand that she may be in an emotional stage in her life and you need to be sensible and not put too much emphasis on what she's saying/doing. She's probably going to be confusing and incapable of making any firm decisions for a while. Keep an open mind, but be realistic and logical. Don't rush into anything, don't have high expectations, don't write anything in stone and see how things progress. Don't take the lead in determining if there is a future, but be open to her, whatever she may share.

[GirlDown]

i think a lot of girls (and guys) do this kind of thing.

 

sometimes it's cause they don't know what they want. other times, it's that they do know they don't want you, but they would prefer to think you still want them. ridiculous, but it happens.

 

don't make it dramatic, because that may be what she is looking for.

 

simply say "i don't know what i want, and i don't know what you want. you say you're afraid of hurting me, but going about it this way is not helping me. maybe you should think about what it is that you're really looking for, and when you're absolutely sure, feel free to call me and we will figure it out, if anything. good luck until i hear from you, and if i don't, then good luck for that as well."

 

then hang up, and really don't call her. reaaaaaaaallly don't call her. not to check on her, not to see how she's doing, not because you found something of hers she might want. there could be a hundred reasons to think it will be a good idea, but it's better to avoid her until she makes up her mind

[bluechocolate]

Originally posted by GirlDown

simply say "i don't know what i want, and i don't know what you want. you say you're afraid of hurting me, but going about it this way is not helping me. maybe you should think about what it is that you're really looking for, and when you're absolutely sure, feel free to call me and we will figure it out, if anything. good luck until i hear from you, and if i don't, then good luck for that as well."

 

then hang up, and really don't call her. reaaaaaaaallly don't call her. not to check on her, not to see how she's doing, not because you found something of hers she might want. there could be a hundred reasons to think it will be a good idea, but it's better to avoid her until she makes up her mind

Without having to type it into my own words - this is what I would say (and I'm no lady).

[burntout]

Alpha,

 

"She says she loves you but does not want to hurt you again". this statement makes no sense whatsoever.

 

 

Haha, yeah, bit of a contradiction I'd say. Half the problem with me is that I'm very straightforward and don't play games. When she came back, of course I asked some questions and made my disapproval of what she did well known. But I knew that I still wanted to be with her, and with this in mind, I decided early on to forgive her and to try and move to build a stronger relationship with her. I realize that everyone makes mistakes, and when she apologized, i felt it was sincere, and thought we would move forward together.

 

The best part of our 2+ year relationship was that neither one of us ever played any games with each other - we always knew where we stood with each other. Now she's pulling this type of sh** with me. What the f*** is so hard about saying either yes I want to be with you, or no I don't want to be with you?

[alphamale]

Originally posted by burntout

Alpha,

 

"She says she loves you but does not want to hurt you again". this statement makes no sense whatsoever.

 

 

Haha, yeah, bit of a contradiction I'd say. Half the problem with me is that I'm very straightforward and don't play games. When she came back, of course I asked some questions and made my disapproval of what she did well known. But I knew that I still wanted to be with her, and with this in mind, I decided early on to forgive her and to try and move to build a stronger relationship with her. I realize that everyone makes mistakes, and when she apologized, i felt it was sincere, and thought we would move forward together.

 

The best part of our 2+ year relationship was that neither one of us ever played any games with each other - we always knew where we stood with each other. Now she's pulling this type of sh** with me. What the f*** is so hard about saying either yes I want to be with you, or no I don't want to be with you?

 

 

SHE is playing games with you cause you have made yerself too available. She know she can have to back whenever she wants and on her own terms. You need to make yourself scarce for some time and try to date other women or at least make it LOOK like you're with other women. Sometime you NEED to play games to win. Look at the last presidential election, the whole thing was one big expensive political GAME and Bush ended up winning.

[burntout]

Originally posted by Pocky

I don't think she is maliciously trying to manipulate you or the feelings you have for her. With that note:

 

I'd say you are a safety net for her. She feels comfortable with you. More than likely has genuine feelings for you. Knows that you won't hurt her and knows what type of person you are. After ending her previous relationship she may have considered the possibility that she made a mistake ending the relationship the two of you had. This may explain why she rushed back in so quickly - not so much that it was a rebound of the last relationship but more of a "****! Did I screw up?". It appears as time progresses that maybe she's not sure she actually did screw up and now reason is setting in and she's contemplating that her first decision was the right decision.

 

The best thing would be for you to back off a bit. Don't assume everything she says in a lie, but understand that she may be in an emotional stage in her life and you need to be sensible and not put too much emphasis on what she's saying/doing. She's probably going to be confusing and incapable of making any firm decisions for a while. Keep an open mind, but be realistic and logical. Don't rush into anything, don't have high expectations, don't write anything in stone and see how things progress. Don't take the lead in determining if there is a future, but be open to her, whatever she may share.

 

Thanks for the advice Pocky. I agree, I don't think she's mean spirited, I do, however, know that she is selfish. As soon as she saw I was receptive to her coming back, she totally put on the brakes, and while we still talked/saw each other constantly, her demeanor changed somewhat. Maybe she just looks at me in a totally platonic light now, I don't know.

[Weird]

WTF, is she my ex's long lost sister that nobody knew about?

 

She sounds similar to my ex. The situation isn't totally the same (ie my ex wasn't or hasn't dated another guy since me....I think) and we aren't spend tons of time together now but the mentality is the same. She goes on about hwo she doesnt want me to end up being hurt, is wishy-washy with what she wants and all that jazz. However, she seems to expect me to talkto her the same was as I did when we were together and when I talk to her like I would to a female friend she gets bitchy and thinks something is wrong.

 

My ex is also selfish and she came to me and apologized for how she treated me before we stopped talking/things ended and she expressed her desire to be back in my life. I said "ok" and she has not been all that open to me since then. She also acts WEIRD and on mnay occasions has cotnradicted herself.

 

Crazy...I thought my ex was an only-child but sure enough, she has a sister here. Come to think of it, she has a lot of sisters as I know of a few other dudes on here who have exes that act the exact same way.

[burntout]

Originally posted by GirlDown

i think a lot of girls (and guys) do this kind of thing.

 

sometimes it's cause they don't know what they want. other times, it's that they do know they don't want you, but they would prefer to think you still want them. ridiculous, but it happens.

 

don't make it dramatic, because that may be what she is looking for.

 

simply say "i don't know what i want, and i don't know what you want. you say you're afraid of hurting me, but going about it this way is not helping me. maybe you should think about what it is that you're really looking for, and when you're absolutely sure, feel free to call me and we will figure it out, if anything. good luck until i hear from you, and if i don't, then good luck for that as well."

 

then hang up, and really don't call her. reaaaaaaaallly don't call her. not to check on her, not to see how she's doing, not because you found something of hers she might want. there could be a hundred reasons to think it will be a good idea, but it's better to avoid her until she makes up her mind

 

GirlDown,

Thanks. I'm sure soon enough it'll come down to me saying something very similar to what you said to her. What I don't get, however is "not knowing what I want". To me that's just a cop out. What do you think?

[GirlDown]

i don't think it's a cop out by any means.

 

maybe you don't know what you want, considering she isn't making it easy in you. you probably don't know what you want anyway, because what she is doing is mindf*cking you. if you were allowed time without her in your ear saying one thing and meaning another, perhaps you would really decide. and you just might decide that regardless of how you feel now (wanting it to work out) that it really is NOT what you want after all. and then you go on with your life.

 

not to mention that saying you don't know what you want will show her that you won't just put up with her bullsh*t and go back to her every time she gets the whim to call you and say "i think i want this to work, i miss you and love you, blah blah blah" so that you will say "okay, i miss you too, let's try it" so she can AGAIN say "hmmm, maybe i don't know, let me think about this again, okay?"

 

ick. don't deal with it.

 

i think you seem beyond this.

[GirlDown]

and thank you, bluechocolate for the validation, for which you receive 7 smilies

 

[burntout]

Originally posted by Weird

WTF, is she my ex's long lost sister that nobody knew about?

 

Yeah, don't know what her deal is. Maybe just a case of wanting her cake (me) and the ability to eat it too (date others). I don't know why she feels the need to be friends with me now, after her last relationship went awry.

[smile]

I dont know why exes do that either. I mean to us it seems obvious. They went out into the world , found out there was no one in world as amazing and incredible as we are and they came rushing back. Petrified we wont take them back because inside they know they have done NOTHING lately to deserve us causing that ebb and flow of yes and no .....

 

That sucks more than anything. I am sort of there right now too. He called me the night she broke up with him and then sporadically since. Each time sweeter and more needy than the next.

 

Maybe she wants you back. Maybe she needs to feel good about herself and you do that. Maybe she needs the confidence only you can give her. Maybe she needs to be around you to remind her who she is.

 

These are reasons why exes come back into our lives. Seemingly they would realize that you are the one that makes her confident, and secure in who she is. You are her "home".

 

I am tired of the emotional crutch copout because I dont see it that way. She isnt trying to hurt you .. she is thinking about you... just not quite sure what it all means. How wonderful if we could all realize how amazing someone is before they go away. This time she may not be so lucky.

 

I cant tell you what to do as I am in the same screwy situation myself. I dont think she is trying to hurt you.. I believe it hurts her too. She isnt sure what she wants.. but I have learned there is nothing you can do about that. She knows who you are, she knows where you are... and she knows how supportive you are. She has to decide what she is going to let that mean.

 

The only way to effect the future is to live in the present. So do that. (and when you figure out how.. let me know )

[burntout]

Originally posted by GirlDown

i don't think it's a cop out by any means.

 

maybe you don't know what you want, considering she isn't making it easy in you.

 

maybe not. for the 2+ years we were going out there were no games being played. now it's like i'm dealing with a totally different person sometimes.

 

 

 

ick. don't deal with it.

 

couldn't have said it better myself - ick.

 

Thanks

[burntout]

Originally posted by smile

Maybe she wants you back. Maybe she needs to feel good about herself and you do that. Maybe she needs the confidence only you can give her. Maybe she needs to be around you to remind her who she is.

 

These are reasons why exes come back into our lives. Seemingly they would realize that you are the one that makes her confident, and secure in who she is. You are her "home".

 

Why is it that once their "new" relationship goes sour, they suddenly feel the need to be friends with you? It's not like she ever called me or felt the need to be friends with me when things were going well with her new bf. To be fair, though, I wouldn't have cared to be in contact with her while she was with someone else - too painful.

 

 

[i am tired of the emotional crutch copout because I dont see it that way. She isnt trying to hurt you .. she is thinking about you... just not quite sure what it all means. How wonderful if we could all realize how amazing someone is before they go away. This time she may not be so lucky.

 

I cant tell you what to do as I am in the same screwy situation myself. I dont think she is trying to hurt you.. I believe it hurts her too. She isnt sure what she wants.. but I have learned there is nothing you can do about that. She knows who you are, she knows where you are... and she knows how supportive you are. She has to decide what she is going to let that mean.

 

The only way to effect the future is to live in the present. So do that. (and when you figure out how.. let me know )

 

When all of the bs is cut out, I know she's a good person and isn't trying to hurt me. You're right, she knows exactly who I am, and she takes advantage of my supportiveness. Could she just be looking at me in a totally platonic light now?

[Puma]

i really think youshould back off a bit...let her come to you as she has already, but kinda be a challenge to her. maybe shes backin off cause it is easy to get back with you..and she dont want taht. subconcisouly she wants to fight a lil for it cause it will make it seem like its more valuable..sorry if that sounds confusing. either way check ur feelings, and validate them with how you feel about her. if you want to be with her again..then do so, but be warry of her confusion..cause i dont think she has gotten rid of that as you can tell cause she dont seem to know if she wants to be with you yet. when you ignore her a bit..she will start thinkin shes gonna lose you if she dont act on you, so shes gonna fight for you..and thats when you play a lil hard to get..then say ok. also, remember you have to talk about potential problems, tell her how you felt when she left the last time..and then lay ur terms on her

[Cabras]

Your situation sounds complicated. I am at 2 weeks and wanting my ex back very much. It almost scares me to hear what you and others are saying. I know this seems like a wierd analogy, but it sort of reminds me of Pet Semetary. You bury your ex away in the back of your mind and hope she comes back, but when she comes back she just isn't quite the same person, you aren't really happy, but you kind of got her back. Sorry, that was a depressing analogy.

 

At least you are talking and there seems to be some connection. Being in limbo like that must be difficult. If it was me I would be scared of resolving the situation. I would be kind of happy to just have her near, but tortured by the fact that happiness was just out of reach. I would be reluctant to press the issue for fear that we would decide that it really was over for good.

 

Eventually I know I would have to find out one way or the other.

[burntout]

Originally posted by Cabras

It almost scares me to hear what you and others are saying. I know this seems like a wierd analogy, but it sort of reminds me of Pet Semetary. You bury your ex away in the back of your mind and hope she comes back, but when she comes back she just isn't quite the same person, you aren't really happy, but you kind of got her back. Sorry, that was a depressing analogy.

 

Yeah, it's a bit of a catch 22. In my case, I feel history is bound to repeat itself. Sometimes it feels like I'm standing on the train tracks and can see the train coming directly at me at full tilt. I ask mysely - Why don't I just step off of the tracks?

 

 

At least you are talking and there seems to be some connection. Being in limbo like that must be difficult. If it was me I would be scared of resolving the situation. I would be kind of happy to just have her near, but tortured by the fact that happiness was just out of reach. I would be reluctant to press the issue for fear that we would decide that it really was over for good.

 

Eventually I know I would have to find out one way or the other.

 

Yeah, we're still talking, though I'm not sure how much longer we will be. I refuse to settle for anything less than a 100% effort from her, and know that, in all likelihood, I will not get it. It's kind of sad actually, because I can see her running back to me at some point in the future..., though I'm not going to hold my breath.

[burntout]

Originally posted by Puma

i really think youshould back off a bit...let her come to you as she has already, but kinda be a challenge to her.

 

Thanks Puma. Well after a little more drama, we've not been in contact for a week or so. I spoke to her and laid it all on the line a week ago, and she said basically that she feels backed into a corner, so to speak, and feels a sense of guilt when we talk, and that it probably is in my best interest to stop talking to her. I actually saw her out the next night, and was friendly to her, but she was just bitchy to me. At one point, we were talking, and she just kept looking at each exit of the bar. It was really weird and very blatant. I asked her "are you waiting for someone to arrive?" With that she walked away from me, and left a few minutes later with little more than a patronizing wave to me from across the room. In any case, I'm going to give her what she wants and will not contact her anymore. No sense in fighting for someone who doesn't want to be won over.

 

I think Seinfeld said it best - "Breaking up is like trying to knock over a Coke machine - you can't do it in one shot. You have to rock it back and forth a few times before it falls."