He's had sex with over 65 women!!!

[Christina1989]

My boyfriend and I have been together for seven months and we're really great together most of the time but I do have issues with jealousy.

 

I've never been jealous in any of my previous relationships, but my boyfriend's past and track record have me feel like I'm constanly playing defense. He's had sex with over 65 women and he's only 23. I find that disgusting actually. He's been in three long relationships totaling six years when he was supposed to be "off the market" and he started having sex when he was 14. He's cheated on every girlfriend he's ever had (before me), and the timelines always seem to change every time he talks about the past. Obvioulsy he was adding women to his list during those six years he was supposed to be dating his exes.

 

The combo of his history of infidelity and his abnormally high number of past partners freaks me out. I'm always worried that one of his girl friends that he introduces me to is one of the girls on his list. It's happened, and he brings it up like it's not a big deal but it sucks to see him hugging these girls hello and knowing that there are 60-something more just like them out there somewhere. Most of them in my city.

 

I know he's not cheating and he's been wonderful to me. Judging by our relationship alone, I'm happy with him, but I can't get these insecurities out of my head. How can I move past this? These issues are only with this man, and I've never been jealous before, but with him it feels like i'd be being naive to trust too easily. Do i just need to get over it?

 

I'm torn between self-preservation and giving him what I would want if our positions were reversed: the benefit of the doubt and a chance. If I leave because of his past, I could be writing him off unfairly (despite his track record, he could be really changed). If I stay, I'm opening myself up for a huge blow (that I would have seen coming) if he's just going to make the same mistakes with me.

[pteromom]

The fact that his past choices disgust you tells me that you guys are incompatible.

 

Dr. Phil says the best indicator of future behavior is past behavior. If he has cheated on every girlfriend he's had, the odds are he will do it to you next.

 

Your heart is happy with him, but your head is SCREAMING at you that you need to protect yourself. That isn't insecurity - it's intelligence.

[Midnight_Princess]

It doesnt matter if someones slept with 1 or 1000 people. If they are going to cheat, theyll cheat. His number has nothing to do with you. The cheating on the other hand should be the thing to consider. You say you were happy till you found out about this, it hasnt changed anything though. Give him a chance untill he actually does something to make you doubt him.

[giblesp]

 

That's all that matters.

[Ninjainpajamas]

The guy is only 23, he's still got a ways to go before getting himself into a long-term relationship...he's had no time to reflect or even think about his past or mistakes, what in the world makes you think he's changed? because of YOU? ha! says the last other women.

 

Of course he gets the dates mixed up, lying is a part of being a cheater...they go hand in hand, so expecting this guy to just tell the truth kind of defeats the purpose of a cheater don't you think?

 

But no, you'll wait for that slap in the face until you start to see the writing on the wall...it takes cheaters roughly between six months to a year to start to get bored and withdraw to dabble into other things.

 

"The past is the past" people always give my lulz, things always just magically change or shift without explanation just "because", because he said this that and the other thing.

 

And of course you're on the insecure/jealous side, you're exactly the type he needs because he still needs that reassurance and fall back you'll stick around.

 

Seriously, is there absolutely anything that young women take as a big enough warning sign instead of having to wait till they're hit in the face with it? There really is no limit.

[The Shepherd]

If his history is causing you stress, if you think he is not worth taking the risk, if you do not have the capacity to take risks and blows, if you feel like you are doing him any favors by giving him a chance, let him go. How and why did you start anything with him in the first place?

 

Understand yourself better before putting yourself and others in these kinds of situations in the future.

 

Know why and what you are looking for and if you can afford it in your current situation beforehand.

[carhill]

A popular viewpoint here on LS is that people grow up and settle down and learn from their past experiences so one opinion is that the past is the past. Perhaps that's the case with him. At 23, he may be 'done' with sowing his wild oats and can be a healthy and faithful boyfriend.

 

Do you trust yourself with men? I mean, as his girlfriend, do you have clear boundaries with other men? I'll bet you do. You know what's in your mind. You'll never know what is in his. There's no way to verify it. You have to trust and use your own experience to form conclusions.

 

His track record looks concerning. It's interesting that you have all the details. Perhaps that's a positive sign. The only point I'm unclear on from these discussions is at what point, as a young person, being a philanderer/cheater does not make someone a philanderer/cheater forever. What's the cutoff date?

 

Anyway, play it by ear and see how things go. Guard against too much 'benefit of the doubt'. It can bite one in the butt. Good luck. Welcome to LS

[Quiet Storm]

He's had sex with over 65 women and he's only 23. I find that disgusting actually.

 

You should never be with a man that you don't respect.

 

His default is to cheat and lie. That's not going to miraculously change because he found you. It's a character issue.

[darkmoon]

"he brings it up like it's not a big deal but it sucks to see him hugging these girls hello"

 

I would have walked out on him at just girl #1 getting hugged, that's no way to treat a woman, hugging some1 else in front of them

[BeholdtheMan]

Wow, women in general must find your boyfriend highly desirable, dont pretend as if you dont get at least a tiny bit of satisfaction from that

[veggirl]

Depends on how long ago the past was. I wouldn't be cool with it if it sounds like he was doing this up until he met you. Nahhh, I mean I am fine with something being in the past, so long as it's a decent amount in the past. My bf has a PAST (not so much the lying & cheating though) but he was also 100% done with that and alone (voluntarily celibate!) for a year before he met me. So I know he put it in the past. If his "past" was still occuring like a couple months before he met me, I'd not have dated him. How long was your bf's past "over" for before he met you?

Edited September 10, 2013 by veggirl

[crederer]

The thing with me about people's number, isn't the number in itself, it's an indicator of an emotional issue if they've had that many partners.

 

And dating someone with emotional issues is really, really difficult.

[carhill]

It appears the young man averaged nearly two sexual partners per month for a period of nine years. For a guy who likes sex and has the parts to get it, that's not bad. More troubling is cheating on his girlfriends but, considering he got started at 14, not remarkable, considering his quite young age. LS appears to give wide leeway to young men who are promiscuous and somewhat wanton in their lust. Perhaps that's a double standard, but it appears to be alive and well. After all, the anecdotes shared are by women who are with these young men, so apparently find them attractive and acceptable relationship partners. The proof is in the pudding. They are together, in spite of the promiscuity. That says a lot about acceptance.

 

OP, you're apparently 24 or so. What's your gut instinct here?

[almond]

The repeated infidelity is very concerning.

 

He has shown no remorse or signs of having changed, but instead, repeatedly lies to you about it all. He is not being honest with you, and that's a big problem.

 

He can tell you that he's had a very high number of sexual partners, but he lies about the rest? No wonder you are having trouble trusting him. He can't even keep his lies straight, but simply expects you to swallow them. If he had perhaps owned up to his actions, shown regret and advised that he has grown since then, then you might have some hope. Unfortunately, the only thing he has done is demonstrated that he is still a dishonest person, capable of lying to your face quite easily.

 

I'd be getting out.

[carhill]

OP, do you know any of his former girlfriends?

 

Interesting that he hugs so many of these former lovers/girlfriends, and in front of you. Reminds me of a young Marlon Brando. You wouldn't be Stella, would you? Doesn't seem like these ladies are too angry with him. For a man to beguile and seduce that many women at such a young age, he must be quite special.

 

What's that saying about having a piece of a great (popular) man versus all of a mediocre (unpopular) man?

[crederer]

Carhill, I agree with most of what you say but I don't think there's anything wrong with hugging an ex girlfriend in front of your new girlfriend.

 

My ex's were all big parts of my life and if I happen to bump into them I'm going to treat them with respect and dignity just like I would a cousin or an aunt. It doesn't mean there is anything sketchy there.

[Christina1989]

carhill, Yes I trust myself with men. I have never even been tempted to cheat in any of my past relationships and I would never do so. If I want someone or something new, it's my responsibility to leave. I would never hurt someone just because they weren't able to give me everything I needed at that point in time. It's selfish. And it bothers me that that part of him exists. I know the details because we started out as friends with benefits and he told me a lot about himself (literally opened up about everything) because he didn't see himself wanting to settle down with a girlfriend then. Perhaps because we're so compatible and he can tell me anything is why he settled down with me.

[Christina1989]

Veggirl, the last girl I knew about before me contracted an STD and he thinks she gave it to him and she thinks he gave it to her. This was about three months before we met. They still hug hello too. I find that the most off-putting. If you think she gave you an STD, why the hell are you still hugging her?!?

[Christina1989]

carhill, I think that with at least six years that should have been blocked off for his "monogomous relationships" that is still WAY too many people. He doesn't even remember half of their names. It bothers me that he still stays friends with them and texts them and they flirt with him, but the fact that they have had sex should seem insignificant to me according to him. It bothers me because of the sheer number of these women, but he thinks that the fact that they know we're together is enough. for A LOT of women, they don't care about breaking up a relationship so NO I don't think that's any real comfort to me, especially since he has cheated before.

 

Yes, i'm 23 also. My gut instinct when we're together is that I'm different. I know that may sound naive but his best girl friend (strictly platonic, verified by all their other friends) says that she's never seen him this way about any other girl. I know that's all I should need to know, but my head keeps interjecting saying "what if."

[JamesM]

He's cheated on every girlfriend he's ever had (before me), and the timelines always seem to change every time he talks about the past. Obvioulsy he was adding women to his list during those six years he was supposed to be dating his exes.

 

The combo of his history of infidelity and his abnormally high number of past partners freaks me out.

 

I know he's not cheating and he's been wonderful to me.

 

If I leave because of his past, I could be writing him off unfairly (despite his track record, he could be really changed). If I stay, I'm opening myself up for a huge blow (that I would have seen coming) if he's just going to make the same mistakes with me.

 

Not counting his past adventures, this is what i first saw. He has cheated on every woman in the past. Do you truly think he won't cheat on you?

 

If he has had 65 women, then why do you think he will now stick with one and not look for another?

 

As special as you are, your jealousies and insecurities are grounded in facts. I think you are setting yourself up for big hurts in the future if you stay.

[carhill]

Carhill, I agree with most of what you say but I don't think there's anything wrong with hugging an ex girlfriend in front of your new girlfriend.

 

My ex's were all big parts of my life and if I happen to bump into them I'm going to treat them with respect and dignity just like I would a cousin or an aunt. It doesn't mean there is anything sketchy there.

I found it interesting that they would hug him, in light of the information you shared, which I presume the others were disclosed to as well, that he was sexually promiscuous and apparently cheated on every girlfriend. Generally, such dynamics, especially between ex-lovers, don't impel people to show affection spontaneously. Hence, he must be a very charismatic man to do all that and still get hugs instead of his face slapped.

[Christina1989]

I found it interesting that they would hug him, in light of the information you shared, which I presume the others were disclosed to as well, that he was sexually promiscuous and apparently cheated on every girlfriend. Generally, such dynamics, especially between ex-lovers, don't impel people to show affection spontaneously. Hence, he must be a very charismatic man to do all that and still get hugs instead of his face slapped.

 

 

Many of the girls from his past don't stand up for themselves enough. He left one ex for the next one and went back and cheated with the first girl a number of times. He's destroyed friendships. Either they still want him, or they aren't aware of how many other girls he's slept with or are okay with being a drunk one night stand. A couple are friends of his and they've tried sleeping together but work better as friends. That's still strange for me because any time he hangs out with someone he's slept with, I know they already tried it and it didn't work, but I can't help but visualize it. His ego is HUGE which also bothers me. He walks into every situation as if he's the freaking man and if he gets uncomfortable (as he should be) if I indicate that I'm not comfortable or happy with him showing affection for some of his past girls, he tends to lash out. I don't think its because he's trying to cover anything up, it's more like because he's embarassed and hates having ANYTHING potentially negative about himself being brought to others' attention.

[acrosstheuniverse]

The high number of sexual partners wouldn't bother me; my ex had slept with triple digits of women before we got together.

 

The history of infidelity is a HUGE red flag, though. I wouldn't feel secure in a relationship with somebody who had a history of cheating. Listen to your gut!