How to with triggers

[compulsivedancer]

H says he faces a thousand triggers a day. I probably face 10-20. So we're not in the same ballpark. When there is a big one, I try to anticipate it and find a way around it, or offer comfort if I can't.

 

My question is: Is that the best way? Is it better to avoid the triggers or face them and "reclaim" them?

 

Grr...I suddenly understand why so many titles are messed up...can't edit. I guess you guys can fill in the missing word(s). Not even sure how I did that.

Edited September 9, 2013 by compulsivedancer

[Betterthanthis13]

"How to help with triggers"

 

 

Did I get it?

 

Titles for 400, Alex

[harrybrown]

Sometimes, it is better to give him space and sometimes it would be wonderful to show him by doing something wonderful that he is the only one for you. Do stuff for him that you would not do for the AP. Show him that he is not your second choice. Initiate so that he knows you desire him, but find a way to show him that he is better than the OM. He is your choice, not the OM. You gave the OM things with planning and desire. That would help me if my wife could show me somehow that I am not the backup plan. That I worked so hard over all these years to support her and now that I am a millionaire, and old and tired, she does not stay because of my working myself to an early grave. Somehow you planned and schemed and desired to be with the OM. I do not know how to show that your husband is and always was your first choice. Now all I want is a wife that feels that way about me, and after over 35 years of marriage, I want a wife that would not cheat on me. I lose, because I can not have that and there is no way that she can make me believe she ever thought of me when she planned and executed her fun. If you find a way to do this for your husband, please let me know.

Edited September 10, 2013 by harrybrown

[Confused48]

CD, I would say that it is probably not uncommon for a WS to have far less triggers than a BS. WS want to and can put it behind them. They need to. BS don't need to but they can want to do this and can do it with training and IC. Is your BS getting that? In the mean time, comfort. Sympathy. Imagine how you would feel if you were the BS. I know your heart is in the right place.

[BetrayedH]

A heartfelt apology and reassurance of your long term commitment. Each time. Anticipate, prevent or preempt the ones that you can. Make it a team effort to get thru them.

 

I had three counselors tell me I had symptoms of PTSD and that it was a fair diagnosis. EMDR therapy is something that is gaining traction in the scientific arena. Realize again, that this takes years. Reassurance that you will be there thru all of it will go a long way.

[BetrayedH]

By the way, LoveShack's system is designed to eliminate the word, "help," from subject lines. Something about everyone here needing help and there being a need for more diverse thread subjects.

[compulsivedancer]

CD, I would say that it is probably not uncommon for a WS to have far less triggers than a BS. WS want to and can put it behind them. They need to. BS don't need to but they can want to do this and can do it with training and IC. Is your BS getting that? In the mean time, comfort. Sympathy. Imagine how you would feel if you were the BS. I know your heart is in the right place.

 

No, I've suggested it multiple times. He doesn't want it.

[compulsivedancer]

By the way, LoveShack's system is designed to eliminate the word, "help," from subject lines. Something about everyone here needing help and there being a need for more diverse thread subjects.

 

That's weird. (unless it was a joke...if it came from Better, I would suspect that!)

 

So I may not have done it at all? Guess we could fill in other things: "Deal" Actually, that's the only other word that comes to mind.

 

What's funny is that 3/5 of the "similar threads" at the bottom are titled just plain "triggers." Diversity if you ask me.

[BetrayedH]

That's weird. (unless it was a joke...if it came from Better, I would suspect that!)

 

So I may not have done it at all? Guess we could fill in other things: "Deal" Actually, that's the only other word that comes to mind.

 

What's funny is that 3/5 of the "similar threads" at the bottom are titled just plain "triggers." Diversity if you ask me.

 

No joke, actually. I read it somewhere in the guidelines. You'll notice it from time to time; when the subject line doesn't seem to make sense, try inserting the word 'help' somewhere. I bet there's a bunch of thread subject lines that are just "Need"

[Jonah]

For me, triggers are worse if I hadn't recently gotten laid proper so may I suggest...

 

If the time is right, I think plop down on his lap, start with a few light kisses, look him in the eye and beg him to be honest about how he feels. Answer his questions honestly, reassuring all the while. The guy might say things that may be a turn off... but his words won't really mean anything other than that he is hurt. And if he's game, just tear him up and knock his socks off. He'll forget about the trigger and you can then go about living in peace.

[BetrayedH]

For me, triggers are worse if I hadn't recently gotten laid proper so may I suggest...

 

If the time is right, I think plop down on his lap, start with a few light kisses, look him in the eye and beg him to be honest about how he feels. Answer his questions honestly, reassuring all the while. The guy might say things that may be a turn off... but his words won't really mean anything other than that he is hurt. And if he's game, just tear him up and knock his socks off. He'll forget about the trigger and you can then go about living in peace.

 

Jonah, you really got me laughing on this one. Seriously though, it may be as good or better a response to a trigger than anything else I've read. Good sex can be pretty reassuring (and a pleasant and effective distraction from a trigger).

[Spotme]

I don't know what's most helpful. If we are alone, H will usually grab me and hug and kiss me and tell me he loves me. If we are out in public, as happened last week when we found out someone we know had gotten divorced because his wife was cheating on him before they even got married and was texting the OM on the honeymoon, he just looks at me like a puppy dog and takes my hand if he's near enough. That's fine and appreciated, but I guess I really just need more time to pass, so that hearing a story like that doesn't remind me that he was probably texting her while on a romantic getaway with me that I had planned as a special surprise (oh, hey, I'm getting annoyed about that all over again and I don't even know if he really did).

 

Anyway, I'm all about talking everything out these days, so if I were you, I'd probably pick a time when he is not triggered and say "Hey, I want you to know that I see all these times you are being triggered and I hate that I caused this. I don't always know what to say when this happens except that I love you and I'm sorry, but please tell me if there's anything I should do or not do that will help you the most. If you don't like to be touched when you are upset, that's ok, just tell me, or if you like it when I touch your hand, tell me that too."

 

Or just go with the sex thing. That always makes my H happy, no matter the circumstances.

[compulsivedancer]

So this may seem obvious to others, but it wasn't to me. It's not exactly a trigger thing, but I've found something I can do for H that tells him I love him in a way that words don't. I cook for him. I've never cooked much - we don't have kids and we eat out way too much - but H associates it with home and love, since his mother always cooked for him.

 

So food and sex. And massages, whether they lead to sex or not. I guess just pampering him in general.

[BetrayedH]

So this may seem obvious to others, but it wasn't to me. It's not exactly a trigger thing, but I've found something I can do for H that tells him I love him in a way that words don't. I cook for him. I've never cooked much - we don't have kids and we eat out way too much - but H associates it with home and love, since his mother always cooked for him.

 

So food and sex. And massages, whether they lead to sex or not. I guess just pampering him in general.

 

One book that gets mentioned from time to time is, The Five Love Languages. The main point is that everyone has different preferences. Some like gifts, some physical touch, some words of affection, etc.. Sometimes we do for others what WE would like rather than what they would like. It's a fairly simplistic book but an interesting eye-opener.

[ChooseTruth]

For me, triggers are worse if I hadn't recently gotten laid proper so may I suggest...

 

If the time is right, I think plop down on his lap, start with a few light kisses, look him in the eye and beg him to be honest about how he feels. Answer his questions honestly, reassuring all the while. The guy might say things that may be a turn off... but his words won't really mean anything other than that he is hurt. And if he's game, just tear him up and knock his socks off. He'll forget about the trigger and you can then go about living in peace.

This made me laugh, because it may be true for a *lot* of BHs. It would have been with me. But I think it's very gender specific =D. I would definitely not recommend this idea for WHs/BWs.

 

And sometimes it won't work with guys either. There were times I didn't want to be around her... emotional rollercoaster. I remember reading one story where a WW was trying to get back her H who was hellbent on divorce. She dolled herself up to look sexy as possible whenever they met. He said he used to find it hot, now he just thought she looked like a made up whore. So maybe in that case it's extreme since he was already initiating divorce...but yeah just pay attention to the feedback you're getting, and if it's negative it might just be part of the rollercoaster. Don't give up completely, just cool it for a bit.

[Coolit]

One book that gets mentioned from time to time is, The Five Love Languages. The main point is that everyone has different preferences. Some like gifts, some physical touch, some words of affection, etc.. Sometimes we do for others what WE would like rather than what they would like. It's a fairly simplistic book but an interesting eye-opener.

 

We were given that book as an engagement present by a friend who went through infidelity. While it didn't prevent my selfish trill seeking (looking for lust not love) it is helping now in the aftermath because I know what things are important to my man and make an effort to reach him in that way.

[compulsivedancer]

One book that gets mentioned from time to time is, The Five Love Languages. The main point is that everyone has different preferences. Some like gifts, some physical touch, some words of affection, etc.. Sometimes we do for others what WE would like rather than what they would like. It's a fairly simplistic book but an interesting eye-opener.

Acts of service is one of his. I really struggle with it. I'm much better at gifts. Trying to turn gifts into service requires me to think in very different ways.

[jnel921]

My biggest trigger is paying our cellphone bills. I can't help but weed through them and ask about particular numbers. My H and I have been on staycation this week working on home projects.

 

I was going through the bill earlier tonight and made a comment about a number I didn't recognize and he got upset and wanted me to give him the number so that we could call. The number turned out to be his daughter who is now living in Washington state.

 

I felt like an ass and he broke out in tears telling me how he wishes I didn't have to make him go through this. He feels like he is trying so hard. I told him that I was sorry. I explained that the way he was feeling at that moment, I often feel that way and may feel it for some time. As long as we are not 100% healed it will be this way.

[compulsivedancer]

Today H and I were discussing a friend's husband, who I met for the first time last week. I passed a nice hour or so talking about deepish stuff with them, and I was surprised because I thought (based on things I'd been told) that he had fairly obnoxious opinions. I was telling H that his views were enough off from ours to challenge us and make us think, without being so far off that they became obnoxious. H and I were having a great conversation. Then he said "Yeah, you said that about OM, and then you started sucking his dick."

 

H and I were on the street getting ready to go our separate ways at the end of our lunch break. I was flabbergasted. I didn't know what to say. I started sputtering. I wasn't sure if he was just being triggered (turns out it was this) or if he had concerns about me and my friend's husband. I left with tears in my eyes.

 

How do you respond to something like this? I mean, he was correct. It was completely true. But it was so mean and so out of the blue. And he wasn't even visibly upset.

[whatatangledweb]

Today H and I were discussing a friend's husband, who I met for the first time last week. I passed a nice hour or so talking about deepish stuff with them, and I was surprised because I thought (based on things I'd been told) that he had fairly obnoxious opinions. I was telling H that his views were enough off from ours to challenge us and make us think, without being so far off that they became obnoxious. H and I were having a great conversation. Then he said "Yeah, you said that about OM, and then you started sucking his dick."

 

H and I were on the street getting ready to go our separate ways at the end of our lunch break. I was flabbergasted. I didn't know what to say. I started sputtering. I wasn't sure if he was just being triggered (turns out it was this) or if he had concerns about me and my friend's husband. I left with tears in my eyes.

 

How do you respond to something like this? I mean, he was correct. It was completely true. But it was so mean and so out of the blue. And he wasn't even visibly upset.

 

I used to do this the first six months. Something would trigger me and I would say something nasty like that. I kept trying to bite it back but it took some time to stop saying it. It's the pain so you lash out. It's cruel and hurtful and honestly we don't think about it..it just pops out. I felt awful as soon as I said it. My husband would look so hurt and sad. I had to apologize a lot for quite some time. As the pain eases it seemed to happen less.

[BetrayedH]

Today H and I were discussing a friend's husband, who I met for the first time last week. I passed a nice hour or so talking about deepish stuff with them, and I was surprised because I thought (based on things I'd been told) that he had fairly obnoxious opinions. I was telling H that his views were enough off from ours to challenge us and make us think, without being so far off that they became obnoxious. H and I were having a great conversation. Then he said "Yeah, you said that about OM, and then you started sucking his dick."

 

H and I were on the street getting ready to go our separate ways at the end of our lunch break. I was flabbergasted. I didn't know what to say. I started sputtering. I wasn't sure if he was just being triggered (turns out it was this) or if he had concerns about me and my friend's husband. I left with tears in my eyes.

 

How do you respond to something like this? I mean, he was correct. It was completely true. But it was so mean and so out of the blue. And he wasn't even visibly upset.

 

I had a progressively more and more difficult time with anger. The constancy of it all being in my head was just overwhelming. I wasn't even really angry at my wife anymore. I was angry at the phenomenon. I just couldn't escape it.

 

I really don't have an answer for you about how to respond. I can tell you that I felt remorse every time that I couldn't contain my frustration. No one, and I mean no one, wanted me to be over it more than I did.

 

I can tell you that you shouldn't accept abuse. It's very difficult to know where that line is. In some cases I've seen, the outbursts continue until the WW finally says, enough, and puts her foot down about what's acceptable if her BH wants to reconcile. I don't know if you're there yet. It's such a difficult and delicate balance because it's also counterproductive to have him choking down these shi t sandwiches by himself.

[Journee]

Today H and I were discussing a friend's husband, who I met for the first time last week. I passed a nice hour or so talking about deepish stuff with them, and I was surprised because I thought (based on things I'd been told) that he had fairly obnoxious opinions. I was telling H that his views were enough off from ours to challenge us and make us think, without being so far off that they became obnoxious. H and I were having a great conversation. Then he said "Yeah, you said that about OM, and then you started sucking his dick."

 

H and I were on the street getting ready to go our separate ways at the end of our lunch break. I was flabbergasted. I didn't know what to say. I started sputtering. I wasn't sure if he was just being triggered (turns out it was this) or if he had concerns about me and my friend's husband. I left with tears in my eyes.

 

How do you respond to something like this? I mean, he was correct. It was completely true. But it was so mean and so out of the blue. And he wasn't even visibly upset.

 

This has got to be one of the most confusing parts about reconciliation. It's like you become desensitized to the one person you loved and trusted the most. The anger can come out of nowhere. All of sudden you are replaying the visions you have of your partner pleasuring and being pleasured by someone else. It's scary and devastating. Then that fear manifests itself as anger.

 

Your H may not think that you really understand his pain. He went for the jugular. I'm not proud but I have done the same. It feels uncontrollable. I'm sorry but it seems as though your H is in the anger stage.

 

You do not deserve to be verbally abused though. I imagine this is out of character for your H. He is all over the place.

 

((((CD))))

[road]

Today H and I were discussing a friend's husband, who I met for the first time last week. I passed a nice hour or so talking about deepish stuff with them, and I was surprised because I thought (based on things I'd been told) that he had fairly obnoxious opinions. I was telling H that his views were enough off from ours to challenge us and make us think, without being so far off that they became obnoxious. H and I were having a great conversation. Then he said "Yeah, you said that about OM, and then you started sucking his dick."

 

H and I were on the street getting ready to go our separate ways at the end of our lunch break. I was flabbergasted. I didn't know what to say. I started sputtering. I wasn't sure if he was just being triggered (turns out it was this) or if he had concerns about me and my friend's husband. I left with tears in my eyes.

 

How do you respond to something like this? I mean, he was correct. It was completely true. But it was so mean and so out of the blue. And he wasn't even visibly upset.

 

Because you showed how you were warming up to this new potential "OM" a little too much. Hence your BH triggered.

 

Your actions most likely to similar to the new guy as you did with your OM. Make sure you do not warm up to other men. Your BH needs to see you be more reserved with men in general.

Edited September 13, 2013 by road

[Zenstudent]

Today H and I were discussing a friend's husband, who I met for the first time last week. I passed a nice hour or so talking about deepish stuff with them, and I was surprised because I thought (based on things I'd been told) that he had fairly obnoxious opinions. I was telling H that his views were enough off from ours to challenge us and make us think, without being so far off that they became obnoxious. H and I were having a great conversation. Then he said "Yeah, you said that about OM, and then you started sucking his dick."

 

H and I were on the street getting ready to go our separate ways at the end of our lunch break. I was flabbergasted. I didn't know what to say. I started sputtering. I wasn't sure if he was just being triggered (turns out it was this) or if he had concerns about me and my friend's husband. I left with tears in my eyes.

 

How do you respond to something like this? I mean, he was correct. It was completely true. But it was so mean and so out of the blue. And he wasn't even visibly upset.

This is tough, I know. The response probably came out of nowhere when a few electric circuits in his brain were connected via a learned link between two incidents.

 

Now there isn't really much you can do about it. I would tell him "I'm so sorry about this, I'm sorry that my choices have made you think like this. I promise you I'll never go down that route again, I've changed" - and then I would hug him (if he's into that kind of comfort).

 

This would also make him reflect on what happened, realize that you got hurt and try to respond differently the next time. It's a shared project.

 

Take care.

[Betrayed&Stayed]

I was telling H that his views were enough off from ours to challenge us and make us think, without being so far off that they became obnoxious. H and I were having a great conversation. Then he said "Yeah, you said that about OM, and then you started sucking his dick."

 

H and I were on the street getting ready to go our separate ways at the end of our lunch break. I was flabbergasted. I didn't know what to say. I started sputtering. I wasn't sure if he was just being triggered (turns out it was this) or if he had concerns about me and my friend's husband. I left with tears in my eyes.

 

How do you respond to something like this? I mean, he was correct. It was completely true. But it was so mean and so out of the blue. And he wasn't even visibly upset.

 

I think that this is how the mind of a BH works. I've been able to control my "internal voice", but it's still there. Your husband just said out loud what most BH would be thinking internally. For the longest time I would make comments like that to myself when I heard phrases that triggered me.

 

Just earlier this summer my wife was telling me that she had lunch with a male colleague. I had the exact same thought as your husband. I just didn't say it our loud. The lunch was a trigger for me, because that is how her affair started: "just two friends having lunch".

 

How to respond? Maybe say something like "I'm sorry that was a trigger for you".

 

Affairs: The gift that keeps on giving. Thanks.