Author compulsivedancer Posted September 13, 2013 Author Share Posted September 13, 2013 Because you showed how you were warming up to this new potential "OM" a little too much. Hence your BH triggered. Your actions most likely to similar to the new guy as you did with your OM. Make sure you do not warm up to other men. Your BH needs to see you be more reserved with men in general. I wasn't sure how to respond, in part because I wasn't sure whether I needed to reassure H about this guy or not. I was there with a couple. I am friends with the wife but had not met the husband. I was trying to tell H that they might be a nice couple to hang out with. I had been leery of the guy previously because it sounded like he might be unreasonable, so I was pleasantly surprised. Link to post Share on other sites
ChooseTruth Posted September 13, 2013 Share Posted September 13, 2013 (edited) Today H and I were discussing a friend's husband, who I met for the first time last week. I passed a nice hour or so talking about deepish stuff with them, and I was surprised because I thought (based on things I'd been told) that he had fairly obnoxious opinions. I was telling H that his views were enough off from ours to challenge us and make us think, without being so far off that they became obnoxious. H and I were having a great conversation. Then he said "Yeah, you said that about OM, and then you started sucking his dick." H and I were on the street getting ready to go our separate ways at the end of our lunch break. I was flabbergasted. I didn't know what to say. I started sputtering. I wasn't sure if he was just being triggered (turns out it was this) or if he had concerns about me and my friend's husband. I left with tears in my eyes. How do you respond to something like this? I mean, he was correct. It was completely true. But it was so mean and so out of the blue. And he wasn't even visibly upset. Here's my shot at an appropriate response: "What you say is true and it hurts me to hear it. Are you anxious about me being around (other couple)?" I think it's important to let him know how you feel inside, logic or none. This is negative feedback that he can't blast you for. Also you acknowledge him and candidly ask the question I think you have. Saying what I wrote above will be hard. It's never easy to talk about your feelings. I think we cry the most when finally have to say what we are really FEELING. It's scary to go there. Edited September 13, 2013 by ChooseTruth Link to post Share on other sites
shakenandstirred Posted September 13, 2013 Share Posted September 13, 2013 I wasn't sure how to respond, in part because I wasn't sure whether I needed to reassure H about this guy or not. I was there with a couple. I am friends with the wife but had not met the husband. I was trying to tell H that they might be a nice couple to hang out with. I had been leery of the guy previously because it sounded like he might be unreasonable, so I was pleasantly surprised. Serious bad choice of words. Your boundaries definitely need tweaking. You can't cheat on your husband then say you were pleasantly surprised by the demeanor of some other man. That's out of bounds for your current situation. No wonder your BH triggered. You have to start thinking about what you do and say around other men. You have proven that you cannot be trusted so you must start changing how you interact and even think about men. Link to post Share on other sites
Author compulsivedancer Posted September 14, 2013 Author Share Posted September 14, 2013 (edited) Serious bad choice of words. Your boundaries definitely need tweaking. You can't cheat on your husband then say you were pleasantly surprised by the demeanor of some other man. That's out of bounds for your current situation. No wonder your BH triggered. You have to start thinking about what you do and say around other men. You have proven that you cannot be trusted so you must start changing how you interact and even think about men. Seriously? Now I can't hang out in a COUPLE with a COUPLE? I can't ever say anything positive about a male person because he is male? I can't say that I'm glad he's not an annoying obnoxious person and that I'm happy to discover my friend has a husband that I can stand to be in the same room with!?!? H basically said that he wasn't thinking at all that I was interested in the guy, but that my phrasing was similar to something I had said once about OM. Look, before the A, I was fairly flirty in general and I "vibed." Since DDay I no longer do. H agrees that he's noticed this too. Previously I honestly didn't realize that the vibe was something I could turn off and on (although I realize now that I was turning it off at work without realizing it). I think that speaks louder than never interacting with another guy in my entire life ever. We only have a few couple friends. The people in my life are overwhelmingly H's male friends. I'm just glad to know that there is another couple available to interact with. Edited September 14, 2013 by compulsivedancer Link to post Share on other sites
shakenandstirred Posted September 14, 2013 Share Posted September 14, 2013 Seriously? Now I can't hang out in a COUPLE with a COUPLE? I can't ever say anything positive about a male person because he is male? I can't say that I'm glad he's not an annoying obnoxious person and that I'm happy to discover my friend has a husband that I can stand to be in the same room with!?!? . Obviously not because it caused your BH to trigger. I said you have to watch how you interact with men now and that's the truth. Even hanging out in a COUPLE you still caused a trigger because you think saying this about another man's behavior pattern I was telling H that his views were enough off from ours to challenge us and make us think, without being so far off that they became obnoxious. Is ok seeing you said something similar about the OM If I recall correctly, you were not that interested in the OM, but it was his behavior toward you that eventually led to your affair. I said nothing about hanging out as a couple...it's your boundaries that need work. Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted September 14, 2013 Share Posted September 14, 2013 Obviously not because it caused your BH to trigger. I said you have to watch how you interact with men now and that's the truth. Even hanging out in a COUPLE you still caused a trigger because you think saying this about another man's behavior pattern I was telling H that his views were enough off from ours to challenge us and make us think, without being so far off that they became obnoxious. Is ok seeing you said something similar about the OM If I recall correctly, you were not that interested in the OM, but it was his behavior toward you that eventually led to your affair. I said nothing about hanging out as a couple...it's your boundaries that need work. Her personal boundaries need work. She sent out a vibe to the OM. She is sending out a vibe to this couple's husband. Her BH picked up his WW sending the vibe. Behavior modification. Link to post Share on other sites
Author compulsivedancer Posted September 14, 2013 Author Share Posted September 14, 2013 Her personal boundaries need work. She sent out a vibe to the OM. She is sending out a vibe to this couple's husband. Her BH picked up his WW sending the vibe. Behavior modification. I think the point I was trying to make is that I DON'T vibe any more. Link to post Share on other sites
Author compulsivedancer Posted September 14, 2013 Author Share Posted September 14, 2013 Obviously not because it caused your BH to trigger. I said you have to watch how you interact with men now and that's the truth. Even hanging out in a COUPLE you still caused a trigger because you think saying this about another man's behavior pattern I was telling H that his views were enough off from ours to challenge us and make us think, without being so far off that they became obnoxious. Is ok seeing you said something similar about the OM If I recall correctly, you were not that interested in the OM, but it was his behavior toward you that eventually led to your affair. I said nothing about hanging out as a couple...it's your boundaries that need work. This portion that you quoted is about as innocuous a statement as it can get. It just happened to echo something I have said about OM. I think H was pointing out that he didn't think it was true in OM's case; it's his way of getting in a dig that OM only wanted me for sex and wasn't interested in conversation. He said that his statement had nothing to do with this guy. That wasn't even in his mind. Believe me, I am aware of this aspect with OM. In fact, now I'm hyper-aware, specifically when I meet men of his "type" (similar career, etc). Link to post Share on other sites
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