Are you too picky?

[Leigh 87]

Because this kind of magical stuff you speak of only exists in movies. It makes as much sense as wanting to fly like superman. Life is not a 24/7 high and until people get that idea out of their head they will be in a state of constant discontent.

 

 

Most couples I believe, are not truly IN love. They have just grown to love each other over time. That is not true love; I could grow to love MANY men through just BEING around them, without there being something special about them that separates THEM from all the other men around me who I am attracted to.

 

I am not hoping to feel a crazy spark I suppose.

 

I just want something "special" to some along, where the guy and I both feel " wow, there is just something about this girl"

 

That's it, really. I want a guy to think " wow, there is just something about Leigh 87"

 

I do want to just date a guy and grow to "love" each other over many months.

 

True love, being IN love, happens fast, within months.

 

It does not need to include fireworks right away upon their first meeting! But true love, in my opinion, happens early on, opposed to just "enjoying" someone and "growing" to love them very slowly. BORING.

[crederer]

Because this kind of magical stuff you speak of only exists in movies. It makes as much sense as wanting to fly like superman. Life is not a 24/7 high and until people get that idea out of their head they will be in a state of constant discontent.

 

Woggle put this much more bluntly than I did, but kind of sums it up.

 

I never said that one is to "settle". To me that means going with a person that you have no interest in, not a good person but you are afraid to be alone.

 

To me, my ex's I did consider to be my best friend, a person I shared very intimate and personal details with that I didn't share with others. We had a strong spark at the beginning of the relationship, then after about 2 or 3 years that faded, as it does in virtually every relationship. But we had a tight bond in that we WERE best friends.

 

Basically, no relationship is crazy good all of the time. When the rough times come, some people are quick to bail.

 

If you think you're going to live out a relationship is going to play out like the notebook, I'm sorry but you're going to be disappointed. And ironically, you kind of just proved my point.

[emva07]

even in the Notebook, they fought a lot, had disagreements and he thought she was one of the biggest spoiled bitches he knew, in the short periods of their life we did see.

[Woggle]

To me the best couples are the ones who can go through life and always have each other's backs. You can tell with them that the love is genuine. In today's self centered me me me world that is becoming very hard to find.

[emva07]

I think love has many different approaches to it. It's not just "love at first sight"

 

For example, a guy can say "wow there's something about Leigh87" as soon as he meet you, and for a few months, and not see it 10 years from now. But on the other side you may have a guy who asked you out on a date, and after months of knowing you realizes "wow, this chick rocks my socks and I want to spend my life with her!" Would you say that the second guy never fell in love with you?

 

Since we're on the movie topic, lets look at Gatsby: Daisy loved Gatsby no? Didn't stop her from staying with Tom, or not go to Gatsby's funeral and pretend nothing ever happened. That was still her true love, nonetheless. Then we have Tom who loved Daisy, but never stopped cheating on her. Were you a neighbor who knew nothing about the infidelities, you'd think they were the perfect couple, he buys her everything, they have the perfect life, and they grew old together.

 

Blythe Danner said something that stuck with me about her marriage: "the key to my long lasting marriage was that both of us never wanted a divorce at the same time."

But of course, to the naked eye, two old people who are still together NEVER had problems and were always happily in love.

 

I think the older we get the more realistic we become about "love"

 

Everything is not what it seems.

Edited September 10, 2013 by emva07

[crederer]

haha well I've never seen the notebook. The point I was driving at really was that I think a lot of people (women in particular, sorry to generalize) want things to be like a romantic movie all the time. Where as these movies don't accurately depict life. They show the highlights of their romantic situations while romantic music is blaring in the background, and the chemistry between them was captured over the course of hundreds of takes until they finally got the one that best captured what they were trying to manufacture.

 

I think some people try to make their life match what they have been conditioned to believe is how a romantic connection is supposed to be. But it's fiction.

[acrosstheuniverse]

I don't think I'm too picky; if I feel that spark, that chemistry with somebody and they treat me well and don't disrespect me, I'll usually pretty much give it a shot!

 

One thing is I've never dated a guy who's had a career, only men who've been working minimum wage jobs with no set path to improving their earning power etc. I don't care about cash and being taken out, and I support myself completely, but I think as I'm in my mid-twenties now I should probably be a little pickier about a guy's financial/work situation if it's going to turn into something long term. I have my own career but I want marriage and kids and I don't want it to be an unequal situation where I'm struggling with whether or not to take maternity pay because my partner only earns the minimum wage.

 

I don't think that makes me picky... just realistic. My new bf falls into that same bracket as my exes (I don't seem to really come across too many guys who have careers somehow!) but in the few months since we got together he seems to have stepped up his game in trying to get his way onto the course he needs to study for his chosen career. I haven't told him to, or that it could be a deal breaker in the future, I think having a gf who earns more than him now and will earn significantly more than him in a year's time (I'm studying) has just brought it into focus for him how he needs to speed up...

[emva07]

haha well I've never seen the notebook. The point I was driving at really was that I think a lot of people (women in particular, sorry to generalize) want things to be like a romantic movie all the time. Where as these movies don't accurately depict life. They show the highlights of their romantic situations while romantic music is blaring in the background, and the chemistry between them was captured over the course of hundreds of takes until they finally got the one that best captured what they were trying to manufacture.

 

I think some people try to make their life match what they have been conditioned to believe is how a romantic connection is supposed to be. But it's fiction.

 

As you can tell from the post above yours, I don't think that way *anymore*

 

I think that it's not so much a woman thing, as a thing you learn with age.

 

You learn from your own relationships, those of friends, family, neighbors, friends of friends etc.

 

I've had my first love with fireworks and all. Didn't work out. Ended horribly.

Does that mean I'll never love again? No.

I'd rather have someone I took my time with to fall in love but can spend the rest of my life with, then with someone who gave me sparks and wanted to sleep with my sister but claims he still "loves" me.

I've read several stories where men wanted to get with the sister of their SO and they worked through it....but of course, nobody found out about it, so to the outsiders they are the perfect couple. Heck my uncle and aunt are the PERFECT couple, old couple who you can just tell they are so in love and will die together. My mom told me a few weeks ago, that he would try to sleep with her for months! My aunt just decided to ignore it and stayed with him.

For me, that's a dealbreaker. I don't care how much sparks flew when we met. And believe me, for 3 years, that guy did EVERYTHING for me.....made me feel like a princess. Turns out....he had a wandering eye the whole time. Did he love me? Yes....HIS definition of love.

Edited September 10, 2013 by emva07

[acrosstheuniverse]

haha well I've never seen the notebook. The point I was driving at really was that I think a lot of people (women in particular, sorry to generalize) want things to be like a romantic movie all the time. Where as these movies don't accurately depict life. They show the highlights of their romantic situations while romantic music is blaring in the background, and the chemistry between them was captured over the course of hundreds of takes until they finally got the one that best captured what they were trying to manufacture.

 

I think some people try to make their life match what they have been conditioned to believe is how a romantic connection is supposed to be. But it's fiction.

 

The best moments for me aren't the holidays or meals out or birthday surprises etc. with a partner, they're the myriad little moments when you're both in utter bliss spending time around each other just doing regular stuff like hanging out in front of the TV or cooking a meal or *gasp* cleaning the house or walking the dog... almost like the more mundane the activity, the more obvious it is that you're in love because you're still deliriously happy just to be around your partner. That's a true connection

[skydiveaddict]

Do you think you're too picky?

 

Yes. That's why I'm still single.

 

Have you learned anything from being too picky or not picky enough?

 

Not one damn thing. There's no way to learn that either. You are attracted to someone or you're not. There is no rational way around it.

[KungFuJoe]

No such thing as too picky.

 

You're simply going to want what you want and no amount of attempting to "reason" with yourself is going to change that.

[salparadise]

I think people who have a mental list of their ideal partner are too picky. I think it is also easier these days for people to be pickier with OLD and what not. The grass is greener mentality.

 

Yup. Like shopping for a car... must have every feature on your list and make you feel like Mario Andretti crossing the finish line. Add to that the "never settle" motto and you have the recipe for the me-me-me generation serial dater. Ecstatic for fifteen minutes, switch it off, then start all over.

 

My grandparents were married over 60 years. The greatest love story I've ever seen. He wrote her a love song the day he died. I know they married for loved and had a happy life. That's what I want. Picky because I've seen real love and know it exists.

 

So the question is, were they lucky shoppers or was it something about them? Perhaps they held the secret of McCartney's couplet, the last line of the last song of the last recorded album...

 

"And in the end the love you take Is equal to the love you make"

 

It's about preparing your heart to let love flow freely between your heart and another. And loving hearts will be drawn together.

[Philosoraptor]

I'm not picky, I knew what I wanted and trusted myself to know it when I found it.

 

I was willing to give almost anyone a chance, as you can't always judge a book by its cover. But I wouldn't go any further than dating unless I all of the major things I wanted out of a partner were fulfilled.

[HappyLove]

Older generations didnt really marry for love as much as people would like to think. A lot of times it was because of convenience and societal expectations. And because divorce was frowned upon, many people stayed married despite any marital problems that came up.

 

Im glad more people are picky nowadays. It lessens the occurrence of people settling for someone they dont really love.

 

But I think we see this even MORE now! People are marrying for money and societal expectations more than ever. How many men & women dump a good person nowadays because they don't make enough, don't have the right job, not from a prominent family, don't look good enough. Older generations were probably more likely to marry for true love than now. Hell nowadays plenty women just want a big wedding and are NOT marrying for love.

[mercuryshadow]

No, as a whole, I think my generation and those that came after have not been picky ENOUGH. For the most part, we've been pretty careless, which is why forums such as this one have come to fruition! Not to mention children out of wedlock, STDs, and so forth running rampant.

 

I am qualified to say this, because I was someone who was not quite choosy enough in my dating ventures. I believe my lack of conviction stemmed from self-esteem issues, which are generally on the rise amongst teenagers/young women, especially present day. Lack of self-esteem leads to lack of values/conviction and the wrong motivations for getting into relationships. (i.e. superficial or monetary gain).

 

As much as I can say I've learned/grown from all of my mistakes, there are still times when I cringe about the choices I made in regards to men. It's all behind me now, though, thank goodness.

Edited September 10, 2013 by mercuryshadow

[hotpotato]

Your elders stuck together because they had 10 kids and back in the day there was no no-fault divorce. The woman wasnt going to up and leave with 10 kids even if her husband was obviously a cheat. In other words, they stayed together for the kids.

 

Nowadays women dont pop out 10 kids and can support themselves. Notions of romantic love have superceded duty. Love is so much more fickle.

 

They may have found each other through luck. Because the bigger better deal wasnt clicks away they stayed together. People often break up prematurely only to be exacerbated by OLD.

 

I think finding someone and having a family was a lot more important back then. Kids and spouse were your safety net.

[miss_jaclynrae]

I am so tired of hearing people bring up marriages of our grandparents and what not. Their marriages were ****ed up and if divorce had been more accepted, they would have the same rate as we do now.

A Glimpse into Marriage Advice from the 1950s | World of Psychology

 

Anyways, I am not too picky. I have standards, and I have been through a lot of men. Worth it, because now I have the best man ever, and he is everything I could have ever hoped for.

[hotpotato]

Do you think you're too picky? Have you learned anything from being too picky or not picky enough?

 

I am picky, and I have a checklist. One of my items is instant spark. If i dont feel the spark in the first few moments, i never will. Plus he has to be x, y, and z.

 

Ive tried to be less picky, but I realized I cant be long term with someone im not attracted to. Plus, im not going to deal with dating bs ( like them up and leaving) if im not attracted to him.

[hotpotato]

t

. How can you have people who have arranged marriages, even now, stay married for a very long time and then a huge part of the population who are great people

 

Easy, because love is not involved.

 

In arranged marriages there is a lot of family support. They dont have to search for partners like we do. Sometimes the partners chosen are in the same gene pool, depending on where you are in the world.

[loveandstuff]

I feel like I am not picky enough. I've been on a handful of dates in my life. I'm still young but I went on a date with every guy who asked me out. I learned that I have to have at least some basic standards (guy has to have a job, car, etc) because my first boyfriend was a flop. lol

 

I met my current boyfriend through an online dating site and those make it so easy to be extremely picky!

[EasyHeart]

I'm probably too picky. I won't date anyone who isn't:

 

-- Single

-- Female

-- Under 250.

 

Maybe I should settle for 2 out of 3?

[MissBee]

The men who are a good match for me and I them are limited. This is just a fact. Sometimes I wish I had the ability to fall in love as easily as some and to have the kind of standards where most anyone fits. I'm not and it's okay.

 

I am not nitpicky....but I am picky about things which are of value to me. I am not picky about physical stuff and you needing this kind of job etc. I am picky about character, life goals, us being on the same wave length, having similar values and morals and worldviews, feeling like you challenge me and help me to be a better person and you contributing positively to my life. Not every man I meet fits this and it's fine. I know what I want and need and don't confuse who is good for a fling with who is good as a life partner.

 

If I am vowing to spend my LIFE with you and only you...yes I am gonna be particular about that. I also introspect a lot and check myself and question my desires/needs for whether or not they are realistic, need to be tweaked, etc. I am not inflexible and am totally open to learning and growing and seeing things differently if how I see them now doesn't work.

[ASG]

I am picky. I find it so difficult to be genuinely interested in someone I can only surmise it is because I have impossibly high standards (to my own detriment, of course).

 

Honestly, in the past 2 and a half years, since I broke up with my ex, I have only had the slightest of interest for 2 guys. I've had other guys that I've dated, but never really saw any potential in, and just other guys that would pursue me ad that I didn't have any interest in...

[MrCastle]

I'm probably too picky. I won't date anyone who isn't:

 

-- Single

-- Female

-- Under 250.

 

Maybe I should settle for 2 out of 3?

 

A single man under 250?

[hudson701]

I'm not intentionally picky, but I am put off very easily. I just do not feel attracted to most people, even if I can appreciate that they are physically very impressive. It's not intentional at all, but I find myself having almost impossibly high standards that I cannot drop.

 

There is no set criteria at all - looks, intelligence level, income etc. are all relatively unimportant. I just find it very hard to feel attraction - something about most people generally puts me off. Ignorance, the way they carry themselves, the things they believe in, their motivations in life etc. etc. I wish it weren't the case, as I'd have a much easier time finding a partner if I were ever looking. I have never looked though, ever. It would be pointless. I speak to many people, and I'm very social, but I very rarely feel that spark. If I do, it's often fleeting and disappears soon after the person opens their mouth. Sucks.

 

When the stars do manage to align though, it's explosive.

 

Get ready for a life of solitude then.