I have just called off my wedding. Was I right in doing so?

[sarah_smythe]

I have just called off my wedding and now I am not so sure I am doing the right thing.

 

We had our Bucks party / Hens night a fortnight ago and it was known and agreed that we were both going to have strippers there. We are both open minded so a bit of touching and maybe even a little kiss was not going to ruin our relationship. We had discussed this beforehand and we were both comfortable with the situation.

 

As far as I knew it all went off without a hitch and I was looking forward to marrying him. Last weekend a friend of a friend of a friend type thing who’s boyfriend was at this buck’s party told me that he had told her that my fiancé had gotten a headjob from the stripper in front of everyone. She felt it was her duty to tell me.

 

I went totally crazy at my fiancé and he denied all of it. I couldn’t be sure, he seemed genuine enough. I asked some of my closest friends and got them to discreetly ask their partners what they saw. They all said they saw nothing except for one who also says he saw the headjob and he saw them go into a room alone together. The problem is that this guy is a known liar but his story does confirm the initial story.

 

I have rang the stripper company and asked for the two strippers that were there could call me back so I can ask them. The lady said she would get them to but I doubt that will happen.

 

Apparently most of the guys at the party were taking videos on their phones of the show but none will show me anything or say it’s already deleted.

 

Have I done the right thing? He is still protesting his innocence and I have no real evidence apart from a person I barely know and corroborated by a known liar.

 

Is it possible that all the other guys are covering for him and it really did happen or is that unlikely?

 

We are supposed to be getting married in three weeks and we have people flying in from everywhere to be here. I have told him it is off but I have not told anyone else yet? What should I do?

[Grumpybutfun]

sarah:

What a confusing situation. I know you must be devastated. First of all-

1. Do you fully believe the person who told you this to have no ulterior motive?

2. Has your fiancé ever lied to you before or given you any reason to believe that he could be unfaithful?

3. Where you live, is it usual for a stripper to give bj's in front of a party of people?

4. Is it correct that you now have two men who were at the buck party to say that your bf got a bj?

Grumps

[sarah_smythe]

sarah:

1. Do you fully believe the person who told you this to have no ulterior motive?

 

The first person I have no idea of their character, just a friend of a friend but I can't see any ulterior motive.

 

The second person is just a liar and loves stirring the pot. But the fact that they said they saw a headjob as well (I never gave that information) has me worried. They could have said anything but they said headjob.

 

I guess if could be coincidence?

 

sarah:

2. Has your fiancé ever lied to you before or given you any reason to believe that he could be unfaithful?

 

No

 

sarah:

3. Where you live, is it usual for a stripper to give bj's in front of a party of people?

 

I think pretty much they will do anything depending on what you are willing to pay. I have heard of that and even more before.

 

sarah:

4. Is it correct that you now have two men who were at the buck party to say that your bf got a bj?

 

Yes. One I barely know the other a liar. All others at the party say they saw and know nothing.

[Grumpybutfun]

Sarah:

If your fiance has never lied to you and you do not believe the second man and the other is an unknown quantity, then why are you believing them over the man you love and who you wanted to spend your life with?

Grumps

[Midnight_Princess]

Hmmm this all seems too suss. The fact you heard it from two different people is concerning. You say youve never had a reason to think he has done this before, but im betting you didnt expect to hear this either. No friend of his will admit it, either to cover him or even themselfs. I think you have done the right thing calling things off for now. You need to find the truth first. It must be terrible to picture him doing it, but why would these people lie? I think its a good move to try to contact the strippers but im not sure they will disclose much. I really hope its not true

[melell]

It sounds very suspect to me. Personally, and this isn't good, I would say the wedding is back on, 'if you did it, it is forgiven, but I want the truth', then at least you would know, and you can decide then.

[BeholdtheMan]

I think you did the right thing, I smell bullsh*t from your fiance.

 

Is a headjob a blowjob? It's concerning that these two people both mentioned a "headjob" right away. I think there's too much justified suspicion to go through with the marriage just now. You should wait to see your fiance's reaction

[sarah_smythe]

Sarah:

why are you believing them over the man you love and who you wanted to spend your life with?

 

I would not believe either of these people over my fiance. But when two people tell the same version of events independently to each other it is hard to ignore.

[sarah_smythe]

why would these people lie?

 

That is what I have been asking myself and asking him.

 

I can see no reason for them to lie and he cannot give me one. He just says that they are mistaken and I need to trust him over them.

 

If it was just one person then I would believe that a mistake could happen but I struggle to believe that two people could both wrongly name my fiance.

[sarah_smythe]

It sounds very suspect to me. Personally, and this isn't good, I would say the wedding is back on, 'if you did it, it is forgiven, but I want the truth', then at least you would know, and you can decide then.

 

No, I couldn't do that. I don't want to lie. If I say it is back on I will mean it. If he has broken our promises to each other then it will not be back on.

 

I think I was very open minded in allowing him to do more than just watch with the strippers. In hindsight maybe I opened a door I shouldn't have.

 

If he felt the need to go further than we agreed behind my back then he can do it all he wants from now on, he will be doing it alone though.

[sarah_smythe]

Is a headjob a blowjob?

 

Yes, sorry.

 

You should wait to see your fiance's reaction

 

We have already spoken at length. He says he did not and would not do it and I need to trust him. He can't say why the two others would lie.

 

It was actually him that suggested I ring the strippers for the truth. I really hope they verify that nothing happened.

[It-is-what-it-is.]

Firstly, I doubt the strippers would tell the truth, not if they want to work.

 

Secondly, the whole thing sounds suspicious, but more that all the mates deleted the videos and pics. Because really...if you think about it if it was innocent they would have posted pics on Facebook or whatever....the deletion reeks of having some reason to delete.

 

Thirdly, I believe that people who cross these types of boundaries, tend to have crossed others in the past. So look back, have there been other instances, or denials?

 

Since the two independent sources have indicated they saw, I am surprised that your xf has not paraded all his buddies around to tell you nothing happened? Could that be because they will not lie directly to your face?

 

I get that there is a possibility that he is telling the truth. But the weight of the doubt is against him, and you have his "trust me" on his side.

 

I am sorry for your pain.

 

IIWII

[sarah_smythe]

Firstly, I doubt the strippers would tell the truth, not if they want to work.

 

I doubt I will even get a return phone call but it's worth a shot.

 

Secondly, the whole thing sounds suspicious, but more that all the mates deleted the videos and pics. Because really...if you think about it if it was innocent they would have posted pics on Facebook or whatever....the deletion reeks of having some reason to delete.

 

It's obvious something happened but I don't want to jump to conclusions that it is definitely what I have been told. It's not looking good though.

 

Thirdly, I believe that people who cross these types of boundaries, tend to have crossed others in the past. So look back, have there been other instances, or denials?

 

No. He has been nothing short of perfect. He has had the opportunity to cheat before when an ex of his made it clear that she was willing and would keep it quiet. He told me, showed me the emails and messages just to get it all out in the open in case I heard rumours.

 

Since the two independent sources have indicated they saw, I am surprised that your xf has not paraded all his buddies around to tell you nothing happened? Could that be because they will not lie directly to your face?

 

He has encouraged me to ask anyone who was there. Besides the two I have mentioned no-one else saw or knows anything.

 

I get that there is a possibility that he is telling the truth. But the weight of the doubt is against him, and you have his "trust me" on his side.

 

And the "trust me" is pretty strong. I have never had reason not to. The case against him is an unknown and a known liar, hardly convincing but enough that I can't let it go.

 

Unless the stripper company rings back it will be down to someone I trust implicitly versus an unknown and a liar. In that case I think I need to trust him. But how will I ever get the doubt out of my mind?

[It-is-what-it-is.]

Ok...so you are going to trust him...that's ok, I understand.

 

What is he doing to help you?

[darkmoon]

give the marriage a chance, just a year's chance he might be great, willing husbands are rare these days, living together is not as firm a commitment, the stripper thing might not be true

[sarah_smythe]

Ok...so you are going to trust him...that's ok, I understand.

 

I don't know what I am going to do. I want to trust him, I want to believe that none of it's true. I don't know why I want that though. Do I want it because I truly believe him or do I want it because I am afraid of the truth.

 

The thing is I am not even really angry about this, I'm more disappointed. I thought I was being smart letting him kiss and fondle the strippers because he probably would have done it anyway with a whole bunch of guys egging him on. I didn't want him to feel guilty about that so I said it would be ok. It makes no sense that after that he would then go and take it to a whole new level.

 

I just wish people didn't tell me "for my own good" unless they had proof. Right now it is just his word against theirs and how can I not take the side of the man I love? But no matter what there is always going to be that doubt. I don't want to live doubting him but what choice do I have?

 

Anyway I missed a call on my phone from a private number, they left no message. I am hoping it was the stripper and they will ring back. I never thought the day would come when I was relying on a stripper to save my relationship.

[sarah_smythe]

give the marriage a chance, just a year's chance he might be great, willing husbands are rare these days, living together is not as firm a commitment, the stripper thing might not be true

 

Are you saying I should get married anyway and reassess in a year or am I reading it wrong?

 

When I make that commitment it will be for life. If I am not sure I can devote my life to him I cannot get married.

[Arabella]

Oh hell, there's NO way you should be getting married to a man with this doubt in your mind!

 

Men WILL cover for each other at these parties. In fact, they probably encouraged him to get the blowjob! That's why he's so confident that you can go and ask them: he doesn't think they will tell the truth!

 

Except two people already have. One of whom is a trusted friend of yours. The other may be a liar, but he still corroborated the story without knowing any details from you. How else would he have found out, if he didn't witness it?

 

All this stuff about "trust me" and deleted videos stinks of cover-up. Just because you haven't caught him before, it doesn't mean it's a reason to trust him now against the evidence. Also, generally speaking, bachelor party videos are taken to be cherished as fun-time memories (and to embarrass the groom too!), so they don't just get deleted shortly thereafter. There's a reason why they were taken in the first place! Except, they got deleted because something happened that they didn't anticipate...

 

Trust the evidence, and trust your gut. Don't go into a marriage where you've already been made to be a fool!

 

-A

[whichwayisup]

You know you both opened the door by allowing strippers and having some rules (it's OK to touch or whatever/kiss)...It was a mistake from the get go by having strippers.

 

So, the guy probably the got totally wasted and next thing ya know one thing led to another, people egged him on and then he got a BJ from the stripper. At least they didn't have sex.

 

If you love him and want him as your husband, forgive him and tell him that was his ONE pass and that if he EVER does anything like that again, you'll divorce him.

 

But, if you're willing to throw it all away and not get past this, (if it is true) then do officially call off the wedding.

[sarah_smythe]

Well I now know what happened. The answer has many parts.

 

I have spoken to one of the strippers and she confirmed they both did give a headjob and did go back to a room but never had sex because the guy couldn’t get it up. The good news is that it wasn’t my fiancé. She told me the persons name and I asked her to describe him. Definitely not my fiancé. Thank god for that.

 

The new problem is that I am friends with this guys wife. Well actually I don’t like her all that much but she is in our group of friends. She is a real bitch to him, always belittling him in front of others. I don’t think I am going to say anything.

 

I now know that all the guys there were covering for their mate. I am not happy that my fiancé put our relationship on the line to protect his mate. I would have hoped that I came first and he could have trusted me enough to tell me. We will be having a long talk about that. But that seems very minor when I was thinking of how I was going to tell family and friends that the wedding was off and why.

 

A comment earlier mentioned whether strippers would tell the truth. I must admit that had me worried but the detail she gave was very clear, it didn’t sound like a coverup.

 

So the weddings still on and we have a nice juicy story to tell the grandkids one day, lol

[sarah_smythe]

You know you both opened the door by allowing strippers and having some rules

 

Yes, I realise what I was allowing, but it's a traditional rite of passage. I wouldn't have wanted him to miss that and I sure didn't want to either.

 

I just thought that it was better to be open and honest and clear about the boundaries and as it turns out he did follow the rules, he had the opportunity to be with the strippers but walked away and his mate took his place.

 

The more I think about, I am still very angry that he put protecting his mate above telling me the truth. I'm not sure what his plan was had I not found out the truth myself. I am angry about that but so relieved that it wasn't a whole lot worse.

[Silly_Girl]

Yes, I realise what I was allowing, but it's a traditional rite of passage. I wouldn't have wanted him to miss that and I sure didn't want to either.

 

 

You didn't want him to miss the potential to get a blowjob from a stripper, lying to you about it, and possibly end in you guys cancelling your wedding?

 

Traditions like that I can live without

 

ETA: for me the relationship issue would be as big as it was. He lied, he put his friendships before you. You seem satisfied because a physical act didn't take place, but I would be hung up on other stuff that to me would be more important. Trust and respect.

Edited September 12, 2013 by Silly_Girl

[sarah_smythe]

You didn't want him to miss the potential to get a blowjob from a stripper, lying to you about it, and possibly end in you guys cancelling your wedding?

 

Traditions like that I can live without

 

No need to be deliberately obtuse. I think anyone getting married trusts their partner, that is just a given. Allowing them to see a stripper is not a big deal to me, I trusted that he would not do anything wrong and he didn't. If anything I feel a little guilty for not trusting when I should have.

 

ETA: for me the relationship issue would be as big as it was. He lied, he put his friendships before you. You seem satisfied because a physical act didn't take place, but I would be hung up on other stuff that to me would be more important. Trust and respect.

 

Yes you are right here, he did put his friendship first and I am not happy about that. But protecting a lifelong friend is an admiral trait. Doing that at the expense of your soon to be wife is not. As I said we will be talking long and hard about that.

 

I guess at the end of the day getting a headjob from some strippers would have been overstepping the boundaries we had set and would be inexcusable and the wedding would be off. Lying to protect his mate, while bad, is not inexcusable as long as he acknowledges the mistake and learns from it.

[Midnight_Princess]

Well I now know what happened. The answer has many parts.

 

I have spoken to one of the strippers and she confirmed they both did give a headjob and did go back to a room but never had sex because the guy couldn’t get it up. The good news is that it wasn’t my fiancé. She told me the persons name and I asked her to describe him. Definitely not my fiancé. Thank god for that.

 

The new problem is that I am friends with this guys wife. Well actually I don’t like her all that much but she is in our group of friends. She is a real bitch to him, always belittling him in front of others. I don’t think I am going to say anything.

 

I now know that all the guys there were covering for their mate. I am not happy that my fiancé put our relationship on the line to protect his mate. I would have hoped that I came first and he could have trusted me enough to tell me. We will be having a long talk about that. But that seems very minor when I was thinking of how I was going to tell family and friends that the wedding was off and why.

 

A comment earlier mentioned whether strippers would tell the truth. I must admit that had me worried but the detail she gave was very clear, it didn’t sound like a coverup.

 

So the weddings still on and we have a nice juicy story to tell the grandkids one day, lol

 

 

Im sorry to be a downer but you expected these people to tell you about your partner, even called off your wedding, but this guys wife doesnt deserve to know???

[sarah_smythe]

Im sorry to be a downer but you expected these people to tell you about your partner, even called off your wedding, but this guys wife doesnt deserve to know???

 

Well of course she deserves to know, I am not suggesting that he was right in what he did. But when you treat your husband like she does she can't expect a whole lot of respect back. I will speak to him and encourage him to tell her but ultimately the choice will be his. If he decides not to I wont be the one to do it. I have far more respect for him than her. She is no saint herself.