RBLL Posted September 10, 2013 Share Posted September 10, 2013 My fiancée and I were so happy. We'd broken up after a 16 month rocky relationship, for good we thought. After 7 weeks apart, we reconnected. Our dreams came true! Then nature got involved and sent her spiraling out of control down the menopause road. She's always sleepy, tired, achy, grouchy, and not interested in sex at all. She's had a long and diverse sex life since early teens so its all just sex to her. She doesn't think she'll ever want or enjoy it again. I never knew sex could be good till I met her. I want to do everything, explore it all, try it all. It's to the point that I can't even say the word sex without causing her great guilt and pressure. Neither of us know what to do. I even contemplate just skipping to the hereafter to try my luck there. Feels like I'm already half dead anyway. Now we're just playing house, hardly talking. Life is cruel Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted September 10, 2013 Share Posted September 10, 2013 I'd bet she'd get all horny and interested if some hot, rich young guy started paying attention to her. IF she doesn't intend to be a partner and consider your feelings and needs - then what's the point of continuing? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
StrongLass Posted September 10, 2013 Share Posted September 10, 2013 I'd call off the engagement if I were you two since you both have VERY different needs in an important area of any romantic relationship. Don't go through the motions of marriage out of obligation OR assume that she'll just eventually change back to the way things were before. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author RBLL Posted September 10, 2013 Author Share Posted September 10, 2013 I'd call off the engagement if I were you two since you both have VERY different needs in an important area of any romantic relationship. Don't go through the motions of marriage out of obligation OR assume that she'll just eventually change back to the way things were before. That's what she says, that the hormone replacement therapy might not be able to restart her sex drive. She says I'd be better off alone instead of having to always spank the monkey. She'd get me a playmate but I only want her. Shes content to be old and not ever have sex again. I moved in with her 2 months ago. Now she says we moved too fast. If I wasn't in love, this would be easy. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted September 10, 2013 Share Posted September 10, 2013 Shes content to be old and not ever have sex again. I moved in with her 2 months ago. Now she says we moved too fast. If I wasn't in love, this would be easy. How old is she? You? Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Author RBLL Posted September 10, 2013 Author Share Posted September 10, 2013 How old is she? You? Mr. Lucky We're in our 50's Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted September 11, 2013 Share Posted September 11, 2013 We're in our 50's What she does you can't control, though her actions don't indicate much regard for your needs. If things don't change but you invest years in the relationship, no one to blame but yourself. She's given you plenty of warning... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
darkmoon Posted September 11, 2013 Share Posted September 11, 2013 (edited) she needs HRT and FlashFighters from Holland & Barrett, both, take herbal FFs copiously, I was on 6 pills every 3 hours at my most desperate, they are just herbs plants not chemicals, give them time to kick in, plus HRT, brand name Premique my doctor says was most popular one, relief Edited September 11, 2013 by darkmoon Link to post Share on other sites
cocorico Posted September 11, 2013 Share Posted September 11, 2013 My fiancée and I were so happy. We'd broken up after a 16 month rocky relationship, for good we thought. After 7 weeks apart, we reconnected. Our dreams came true! Then nature got involved and sent her spiraling out of control down the menopause road. She's always sleepy, tired, achy, grouchy, and not interested in sex at all. She's had a long and diverse sex life since early teens so its all just sex to her. She doesn't think she'll ever want or enjoy it again. I never knew sex could be good till I met her. I want to do everything, explore it all, try it all. It's to the point that I can't even say the word sex without causing her great guilt and pressure. Neither of us know what to do. I even contemplate just skipping to the hereafter to try my luck there. Feels like I'm already half dead anyway. Now we're just playing house, hardly talking. Life is cruel Forgive my skepticism, but 16 months of "rocky", followed by a seven week breakup, and suddenly it's all perfect - until the menopause fairy steps in? That does seem rather unlikely. Menopause isn't some giant switch that gets flicked, it's a gradual process of shifting hormones and I'd guess had more than a little to do with your sixteen months of "rocky". In fact, I'd guess that, with the benefit of more time and distance, your periodicity will shift from "16 months rocky, 7weeks break up, x time bliss, y time menopause" to simply "18 months + x + y of rocky". You're in your 50s, this is the shape of things to come for the next while at least. You don't have the shock-absorber of decades of life before to help you ride this out. It's new, it's stressful, it's exciting and demanding and challenging and tiring. You need to find some equilibrium in amongst this if your R is to be sustainable. Others have suggested remedies for the menopause, but that's not the problem. The problem is, she's happy to accept things as they are (including no sex) while you're not. And unless you are both on the same page on that one, it's not going to work. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
dichotomy Posted September 11, 2013 Share Posted September 11, 2013 Obliviously when it comes to pleasure or joy in the marriage – hers is all that matters to her.Not really love or a giving relationship is it? Link to post Share on other sites
Author RBLL Posted September 11, 2013 Author Share Posted September 11, 2013 Obliviously when it comes to pleasure or joy in the marriage – hers is all that matters to her.Not really love or a giving relationship is it? She's racked with guilt over it. Menopause started slow, but then came on hard. The moodiness, hot flashes, nausea, mental fog are terrible. But she can't just snap her fingers and make herself horny or make intercourse not painful, even with the estrogen cream. We're both disheartened. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted September 11, 2013 Share Posted September 11, 2013 Move out and start dating others. There's probably a better match out there for you. You are still young and have a whole life still ahead of you. Allow her to work through her issues... She can seek help. Hopefully she will - but in the meantime begin living YOUR life - since what she's presenting to you does not fulfill your needs. Otherwise your signing up for years of misery and feeling short changed and resentful. Link to post Share on other sites
Author RBLL Posted September 11, 2013 Author Share Posted September 11, 2013 Move out and start dating others. There's probably a better match out there for you. You are still young and have a whole life still ahead of you. Allow her to work through her issues... She can seek help. Hopefully she will - but in the meantime begin living YOUR life - since what she's presenting to you does not fulfill your needs. Otherwise your signing up for years of misery and feeling short changed and resentful. That's what she's worried about, that I'll end up resentful and she'll feel guilty. But when you're in love... Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted September 11, 2013 Share Posted September 11, 2013 That's what she's worried about, that I'll end up resentful and she'll feel guilty. But when you're in love... No - when you are "in love" you consider the OTHER person's feelings and views - and you participate by staying connected on all levels. For men, it's 'usually' sex or at least includes sex. And since that's important to you and she can't fill YOUR needs - then best to leave. Look, she COULD right? And IF she CHOOSES not to - that is HER CHOICE - and THAT alone tells you everything she's not going to tell you. Her problem may not be menopause - it could be a number of things standing in her way - most prominent? Power - control - family of origin issues - being self destructive when good things come her way - anger at kind men - not feeling worthy - low self esteem... The list could go on and on. But THOSE are HER issues to sift through to find what roadblocks she's putting up. You COULD stand there for 10 or 20 years watching her avoid what is REALLY bothering her - and feel deprived the whole time - is that what you want? That's what you're signing up for! Or you could step away and allow her to address what issues seem to be in HER way! Meanwhile you have a CHANCE to find happiness without HER baggage. I've learned - just because you love someone - doesn't mean it is enough to make things work. If there are circumstances that are really in the way to basic happiness - best to leave and allow the one with the issue(s) to address the issue(s) and learn a way that works THROUGH those issues. But most folks don't change. Most will sit in their misery and complain and not change a thing. Look, leaving MAY motivate her to work on HER issues! But if nothing changes - you can be assured that nothing will change. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted September 11, 2013 Share Posted September 11, 2013 That's what she's worried about, that I'll end up resentful and she'll feel guilty. But when you're in love... You will resent her. Who wouldn't? She will feel guilty! What is attractive about THAT relationship dynamic? Link to post Share on other sites
dichotomy Posted September 11, 2013 Share Posted September 11, 2013 (edited) She's racked with guilt over it. Menopause started slow, but then came on hard. The moodiness, hot flashes, nausea, mental fog are terrible. But she can't just snap her fingers and make herself horny or make intercourse not painful, even with the estrogen cream. We're both disheartened. I am sorry about this. Sounds like she is hurting in many ways. Ok first things first there is the medical issue to be dealt with; the doctors have no ideas to make intercourse less painful? They say it’s permanent and irreversible? Can’t imagine this. A couple more months or year to get through the changes I suspect with medical help? but.... what does her being horny or being able to have intercourse have to do with it? That’s my point, loving sex is not always about both feeling sexual pleasure exactly – but giving. While the vaginal pain is medically worked on – she has a mouth and hands yes? Heck even in worst case situation - could she hold your hand and kiss you and tell you are handsome, and recall your past sexual encounters with a smile - while you take care of yourself? Edited September 11, 2013 by dichotomy Link to post Share on other sites
Author RBLL Posted September 11, 2013 Author Share Posted September 11, 2013 I am sorry about this. Sounds like she is hurting in many ways. Ok first things first there is the medical issue to be dealt with; the doctors have no ideas to make intercourse less painful? They say it’s permanent and irreversible? Can’t imagine this. A couple more months or year to get through the changes I suspect with medical help? but.... what does her being horny or being able to have intercourse have to do with it? That’s my point, loving sex is not always about both feeling sexual pleasure exactly – but giving. While the vaginal pain is medically worked on – she has a mouth and hands yes? Heck even in worst case situation - could she hold your hand and kiss you and tell you are handsome, and recall your past sexual encounters with a smile - while you take care of yourself? I can't even mention the word sex and she gets racked with guilt and pulls away. Then I'm walking on egg shells for 2 days. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted September 11, 2013 Share Posted September 11, 2013 I can't even mention the word sex and she gets racked with guilt and pulls away. Then I'm walking on egg shells for 2 days. Is it possible she was abused/ violated or raped as a child? Ask. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted September 11, 2013 Share Posted September 11, 2013 I hope you haven't yet married her...? Link to post Share on other sites
Author RBLL Posted September 11, 2013 Author Share Posted September 11, 2013 I hope you haven't yet married her...? If she was abused, she never said so. Her account of her childhood seems normal. She was involved in something in her 40's in the swing scene that was so horrible she refuses to say any more about it. We haven't set a date, and at this point I don't think we ever will. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted September 11, 2013 Share Posted September 11, 2013 If she was abused, she never said so. Her account of her childhood seems normal. She was involved in something in her 40's in the swing scene that was so horrible she refuses to say any more about it. We haven't set a date, and at this point I don't think we ever will. She needs to work through swingers scene that is affecting her ability now - to look at sex as healthy. It IS in her way of having a physical bond with you. And you can't fix it FOR her. And it most likely has NOTHING to do with menopause - it has to do with what happened. IF she not willing to seek help - you are better off leaving the R knowing it is her issue she won't face and work through. Link to post Share on other sites
Author RBLL Posted September 12, 2013 Author Share Posted September 12, 2013 She needs to work through swingers scene that is affecting her ability now - to look at sex as healthy. It IS in her way of having a physical bond with you. And you can't fix it FOR her. And it most likely has NOTHING to do with menopause - it has to do with what happened. IF she not willing to seek help - you are better off leaving the R knowing it is her issue she won't face and work through. The menopause is a huge factor. The first 5 minutes (with lube) is okay, but after that she is in pain. The prescription estrogen cream was of little help with that. The biggest problem is the vast difference between our priorities. At this point in my life, sex is the most important thing. I never had a good sex life before meeting her, and it's all I think about now. But it's all old hat to her. Nature is cruel. We've got some pondering to do. I love her so much. Thanks for all the input! Link to post Share on other sites
MidwestUSA Posted September 12, 2013 Share Posted September 12, 2013 Has she tried a from of estrogen that is more systemic? The cream may not be enough. I can only relate how much it helped me; I used the patch form. (And have been accused of wanting too much sex, along with being TOO wet, if there is such a thing!) I know some are against HRT, but personally, I couldn't see putting up with the symptoms if help was available. Best wishes to you! Link to post Share on other sites
Author RBLL Posted September 12, 2013 Author Share Posted September 12, 2013 Has she tried a from of estrogen that is more systemic? The cream may not be enough. I can only relate how much it helped me; I used the patch form. (And have been accused of wanting too much sex, along with being TOO wet, if there is such a thing!) I know some are against HRT, but personally, I couldn't see putting up with the symptoms if help was available. Best wishes to you! She's looking into the pellets that they inject in the buttocks. Hoping it helps, but she and I are still always going to be in different places sexually. For me it's the cake, for her it's only the icing. I can't imagine a woman wanting too much sex or being too wet. That's like saying she's too happy. No such thing! Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted September 12, 2013 Share Posted September 12, 2013 You are looking at this from the wrong perspective. Her emotional issues are not allowing you to enter her! It is mental. She needs to address her situation that shut men out. Think of it like a closed door. When someone violated her = that door shut TIGHT- and because of the meaning that she has assigned to what happened - it is showing up now, when you begin to have sex with her. Her muscles have closed off that area. Only addressing her issues can provide her with an opportunity to become more relaxed - and be open to the act of sex again. And what? She's not capable of giving you a back massage? A blow job? A hand job? In the meantime - what is she willing to help you with? Or does she just expect you to go without? Link to post Share on other sites
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