I think this has a chance.....

[TylerZ]

Hello all.

 

I've been reading this forum for a bit. And feeling bad for everyone becaue of their hurt. Now it' my turn to talk. I'm hurting too. I lost my Jackie Monday. She went out after work, didn't come home, I got angry and broke up with her. We fought all day Monday, and finally she said "That's it leave me alone." It was all very angry. I said some very bad stuff to her through the 2 years we were together, and she said some bad stuff back. Now I just got off the phone with her. First time we talked since Monday. It has been so so hard because I have never gone on so long without talking to her. Conversation was her being angry at first, saying she is moving out tomorrow. Then I started talking, saying that I really had some time to think since I'm not sleeping and had a lot of time to look back at us and see what went wrong, and how I could have done things different, and listened more. I have never been so sincere in my life. It's hurts so bad, I love this girl a lot, I have never been so serious with a girl. I went on saying that it's too bad it has to be too late, because I always seem to learn after it's too late. I really don't want that here. She says she still loves me, but her heart is gone, and that she has been so hurt over the years taht she just can't anymore. She said we're done and proceeded to talk about what we need to do for finances and the apartment. Then we talked more, she even said she took advantage of me, and didn't show her appreciation when she could have. She started to sniffle a bit, and cry. It was sad, I said I didn't want her to feel bad anymore. I wanted to give her my love again. She then said that there could be another time, but it wasn't now. She really softened by this point. And said she isn't feeling good about it either. She said she hasn't eaten at all, and that she doesn't like this break up one bit. She said she is just scared that things may be good at first, but it will always be in the back of her mind that things will go back to how they were. And she can't take that hurt again.

 

Do you think I have a chance? I'm so hurt over this....

[Puma]

reading ur situation..i would believe you do have a chance yes, however you have to just chill a bit and let her think some more. i know what it feels like to feel like ur heart has been taken out of your chest..sometime sour girls dont relaize that that same heart is them i feel your pain and i can tell you i was very depressed and didnt eat well, stopped doin anything, and then it was hell at night tryin to sleep..nightmares..constant wakin up in hr intervals hopin the mornin would come soon so i could go to school and at least be doin soemthin. if that sounds any familr to you..then trust me!! please jsut hang around other people..go with ur friends anywhere, pray, do ur work, concentrate as much as possible on what you have to do for urself..i know its hard cause ur mind tends to think of her eery second it may seem..but do what i do, think of all the good times in ur relationship hold those thoughts, and then use that as ur motivation to go on..not to move on but go on with who u are as a person. its hard i know..it hurts liek hell too, but the more you think about it the worse it will only get. i think youdo have a chance because its hurtin her and she told ya that..if she didnt care it wouldnt even bother her anymore..so keep ur head up, hope for the best regardless, and be URSELF..you will see taht it helps and almost liek u give off a certain vibe that appeals to ur girl even if ur far apart from each other..thats the bond we share with those taht hold our heart. so my advise is to make urself a better person for a few weeks and see taht it will help you realize taht both of you need some time and work at things. i strive this so much on people and ur no exception..BE CONFIDENT!!!

[head/heels]

5 reasons as to:

Why Spouses Stray

Quick, answer this question with the first thing that comes to mind: If you were worried that your spouse might stray, what would you do to prevent it? Maybe your knee-jerk response is: "I'd lose 20 pounds and upgrade my wardrobe." Or, "I would shower my spouse with expensive gifts." Or, "I would be extra attentive to my spouse so she would realize how good she has it." If your answer resembled any of those above, bad news: you're on the wrong track. According to Los Angeles-based psychotherapist Morrie Shechtman, you've bought into a common misconception about what causes affairs in the first place.

"Most people assume that people have affairs with someone more attractive, sexier, or richer than their spouse," says Shechtman, coauthor along with his wife and business partner, Arleah, of Love in the Present Tense: How to Have a High Intimacy, Low Maintenance Marriage (Bull Publishing Company, 2004). "Despite the cliches -- the midlife crisis situation where the husband runs off with his much younger secretary, for instance -- that's not what infidelity is about. People who cheat generally choose someone busier and more goal-oriented than their current partner. Someone more interesting, in other words."

"You have to keep reminding him how lucky he is to have you," says Sherry Argov, author of Why Men Love Bitches: From Doormat to Dreamgirl: A Woman's Guide to Holding Her Own in a Relationship (Adams Media Corporation, 2002). "All the propaganda in the world tells us 'keep your man,' 'hold on to your man,' 'jump through hoops for your man,' but your attitude should be 'If you want to go, I'll help you pack'...Healthy mutual respect is the best immune system in a relationship."

 

"That's right," adds Shechtman. He says that the harsh truth is that when one spouse strays, it's probably because the other spouse has become, well...boring. So, focusing on your appearance or attempting to please your partner completely misses the point.

 

5 Warning Signs

 

Shechtman offers the following warning signs that your marriage may be ripe for an affair:

 

1. You don't challenge each other. Unconditional acceptance is a myth. Healthy marriages require a mutual willingness to challenge and be challenged. An "Oh, I'll let the little woman do whatever makes her happy" attitude can be condescending and harmful. If your partner lounges around in her bathrobe watching TV every day and you say nothing, then you're not invested in her well-being. Maybe she's depressed. Maybe she's sick. Maybe she's succumbing to laziness. Regardless, the message that she gets loud and clear from your silence is that you don't care. Not only do you have the right to make reasonable demands on your partner, you have the obligation to do so.

 

2. You and your partner have become an amoeba. Getting married does not mean morphing into a single person with the same interests, hobbies, and friends. If you and your spouse do everything together, something's wrong. "If your partner is not allowed to have a life of her own, she will eventually become resentful," says Shechtman. "Similarly, if you're over-interested in her life, wanting to know or be involved in every detail, she will feel intruded upon and smothered. True intimacy requires two people having independent lives, not two people living through each other. The best marriages are low-maintenance marriages."

 

3. One person selflessly lives for the other. Shechtman likes to tell the story of Bernard, a heart surgeon, and Stacy, the wife who selflessly devoted herself to him. She supported him through medical school. She stayed home and raised his kids. She prepared gourmet meals for him, often complete with heart-shaped ice cubes. And one day Bernard left Stacy for a disheveled photojournalist, two years his senior, who chastised him for stealing a cab she'd just hailed. Why? Because the photojournalist was interesting. "Selfless devotion is boring," says Shechtman. "Bernard could have hired a housekeeper and a caterer. Gratitude for services rendered is no replacement for a stimulating partner. And by failing to cultivate a life of her own, Stacy deprived Bernard of that."

 

"Having a life of your own is important," says Argov. "When you have your own sense of income and independence, and feel that you can be with or without him, he will smell it and he'll treat you differently."

 

4. Everything centers on your children. It's easy to succumb to the temptation to make your kids the center of the universe. Don't. For too many parents, running kids to and from soccer practice, dance lessons, and weekend parties becomes an insidious dance of intimacy avoidance.

 

"Even with young kids, a couple must take private time for themselves," says Pepper Schwartz, PhD, author of five books on love and relationships, and professor of sociology at the University of Washington. "Make a rule that you don't talk about the kids until you download your adult issues and experiences for the day together. Keep kid talk out of the bedroom."

 

5. You don't have meaningful conversations with your spouse. Does the question, "How was your day?" unleash a monologue, a laundry list of activities, or a cacophony of complaints from you or your partner? If so, you're missing the point of communication.

 

"Talk to him in a playful way," says Argov. "Banter with him. Be a little sassy and keep it short and sweet. Save the emotional talk for things that are very important to you, and let the rest go -- because when you do raise hell, he has to believe there's merit to it."

 

Quality communication is the heart of intimacy. (And you thought it was sex!) If you're confused about what constitutes a high-intimacy dialogue, here's a clue: it centers on feelings, not information. "Instead of merely reporting to your partner what happened to you that day, tell her how it made you feel," says Shechtman. "Even if you have only 10 minutes a day to talk to her, make those 10 minutes count."

 

Affair-Proof Your Marriage

 

Most of these warning signs are variations on a common theme: abandonment. If you don't care enough to become an interesting partner, if you don't challenge your spouse to be all he or she can be, if you fail to connect with your partner emotionally, you might as well be an uninterested roommate. Abandoning your spouse is the first step to checking out of the relationship.

 

So what can you do to affair-proof your marriage? The answer can be summed up in three little words, says Shechtman: Get a life.

 

"Have your own friends," says Dr. Schwartz. "Have a job and hobbies you really care about. Don't cancel everything on the spot just because your partner wants you for something -- show that you have boundaries, commitments, and don't just exist for him. Read, read, read! And then talk about books, articles, movies, and news together. Develop an adventurous relationship based on trips, projects, and hobbies."

 

"Set goals and work toward them," Shechtman urges. "Immerse yourself in a career or activity that interests you. Don't just hop from one random activity to another. Have a vision of what you want your life to be and do something every day in pursuit of that vision. Take some risks. And challenge your spouse to do the same. Even if it causes some temporary discomfort, remember that a healthy marriage isn't about comfort zones and status quos. If you settle for comfort, your marriage will die."

 

"This is not the '50s anymore," says Argov. "Men tend to view women who don't have goals and objectives as being deadbeat. When they're going to work everyday and pulling all the weight in the relationship, they really begin to resent it when you don't make a contribution."

 

"There's one other point I would make," Shechtman adds. "Create a rich, rewarding life for yourself and if your spouse did have an affair and ultimately leave you, you would be well-equipped to cope. Interesting people just have more resources, be they money, social connections, or potential new romantic partners. There are no guarantees in marriage. The only person you can count on to always be there is you. Being abandoned by a spouse is far preferable to abandoning yourself."

[Puma]

taht was a good article!! that helps even me with my situation thanks. i think its true and its liek i always say.."you have to be somebody before you can be with someone." i think its so true cause we get caught up in gettin used to hangin out with our SO and tahts where the boring part comes in..even if its good and ya have fun..ya still need to have fun without them to appreciate the time we do share with them together. i can apply that to myself and im sure we all can..especially for those of us that have heard the "i need space" line. its because we get so wrapped up in the relationship we forget about our life...although our SO is our life..its not everything. all we can do is pray that we do get what we want..but we have to work at it too, and if gettin back with our lost one is what we want as most of us do on here, then we have to go back to being ourselves

[TylerZ]

Well, I wrote Jackie a long long email, like she asked. Mostly professional in nature. Just stating what we need to split up, and what to do about finances, and what I'll pay. I explained I won't leave her hanging with debt we both racked up, eventhough it's in her name. And we'll work on stuff together.

 

I told her how I think I needed space and time too. To heal, to not feel the need to hurt her because of her hurting me. That we both had issues with trust and communication. I said a lot fo nice stuff, but nothing like I'll change, take me back. I just said either way I hope we end up happy. Whether it's with someone else or together. I made it clear that I will be dating, and that she needs to as well. Eventhough somewhat in my mind I don't want her to. I really don't want her to sleep with anyone, but what's a guy to do. She works at a bar and A LOT of guys want to get with her. Oh well.

 

I said I want to learn to be independant again and work on myself. The email felt better to say, but I'm sure the hurt will come back. It was at least some closure, and somewhat made me feel better that I can and will move on, and this isn't the end of the world. I did state I would like us to get back together someday, but not right away, and if we do decide to get back together it will have to be a very slow process. In the end I just wished her her happiness, and best of luck to her getting on with school and out of the bar. I thanked her for the last 2 years together, and said I'm glad I got to know what true love really was.

 

Bottom line it was not an email of i'll change and take me back, but an email of we need to heal, and be happy no matter what time brings us. It was pleasant but not begging. I think I did it right.

[lost_in_chgo]

good job.

 

if she approaches you to reconcile, communication is the key place to start