Why I cheated and how you can avoid the same heartache

[Sweetz]

Why I cheated and how you can avoid the same heartache

 

I met the OM and his wife through business several years ago. When we all first met, the four of us (my husband, myself and the OM and his wife), we all became friends instantly. At first, I felt like we had found a couple that we could relate to, understand our lifestyle, common interests, and we would all have a long lasting friendship for many years to come. Together, we had a good time. We would visit each other’s home for lunch, dinner, weekends, whatever the case was. We would go to the movies together and hang out and chat. It was great. I was so happy for us to have found such great friends. It was only 4 months later that things started to change.

 

The OM and I were alone for a minute in a room when he asked me “Can I ask you a question, would you ever consider having an affair if you knew you’d never get in trouble?”. I said, “No way, I’m married, what about you”. He said, “That would depend on the person”. Right then, someone walked in on us and the conversation stopped. I never told my husband about this because I thought it would just piss him off and it would ruin our great friendship we had with these people so I let it fly by.

 

Then a few weeks later, I get an email from them as they shared an email account, so I opened it. The emailed said, “Well, would you?”. I knew it was him and I knew what he was referring to. I told my husband. He said, “Oh, I’m sure it’s just a joke, you know how he’s such a prankster”. I said, OK.

 

Well, over the next few weeks, I started to get more emails from him, but always fearing his wife would get them. I started to return the emails addressed to them so she knew that there was nothing, because at the time, nothing was going on.

 

Then the emails started to get more personal towards me wit him saying things like, “Can you guys have dinner with us tomorrow? I really want to see you”. Wow. This is where it all started.

 

I can’t lie. I liked the attention. I never got that from my husband. I thought it was just harmless flirting. I mean after all we were both married, so nothing could happen, right? I was that naïve. The emails got more and more personal with him wanting to see me for lunch, just the two of us. By now, I had started to develop feelings for this man. And I eventually feel in love with him. But deep down, I just knew I couldn’t break up my marriage for him even though that’s what he wanted. I was torn but deep down, I knew my husband would be there for me many years down the road, and that this OM would not be.

 

He fed me every line I wanted to hear: told me how beautiful I was, how much he loved me, how he would do anything for me, how he always thought of me, how he just wanted to be with me constantly. This may sound dumb, but for someone like me who never hears these things, it was like a drug and I was hooked on them.

 

Looking back, I was a weak, lost, naïve person and he saw through that and took advantage of that. All the great hopes and dreams I had of me and the OM together were just that: fantasy at its best. I found out that this is his second marriage, divorced the first time due to infidelity and has also cheated on his current wife with other women, and that I am not the only one he’s having an affair with. Gosh, it’s all so clear now but caught up in the middle of it, it wasn’t. I wasted over 2 years of my life, crying myself to sleep, losing tons of precious time with my family, worrying about someone not even worth worrying about. And in the midst of it, I hurt those that mattered to me. I regret it like you wouldn’t believe. If you are stuck in an affair, just know it will end and when it does, lives will be changed and people will be hurt, and your reputation and heart will need a lot of mending. Just be ready. You think it’s fun now, but that all comes at a very high cost in the end.

[Sweetz]

Why I cheated: I believed the OM in my weakened state. My marriage was not solid. I acted upon what I thought was right versus what I knew was right. I left everyone else's emotions aside and just cared about myself. I trusted someone that I shouldn't have ever trusted. I did a lot of things wrong.

 

What you can do to avoid the affair: Just dont do it. It's so tempting, I know, believe me, I've had more than one, but in the end everyone loses. Instead of looking at what you are getting out of it right now, think of the aftermath and everyone involved and how it will forever harm and change lives. It's just not worth it.

[whichwayisup]

(((sweetz))) You need a hug. What a situation.

 

Sad, but I do understand exactly how you feel. The way to avoid situations is just dont' get sucked into it. When ya feel less than desired by your spouse, TELL THEM, "pay Attention to me" and communicate how it makes you feel when he isn't...

 

I do know how easy it is to get caught up in the emotions of it all, feels good to be desired and thought of sexy by someone else other than your spouse. It just happens. Us being woman internalize those feelings, sometimes it gets out of control. And then things could happen.

 

I had an online guy friend who 'wooed' me. Gave me some nice attention...Made me feel good about me. It was nice, made me feel desired and wanted. Knew nothing was ever gonna happen but we kinda crossed that line of flirting and started discussing feelings and the 'if I had met you X amount of years ago who knows what could have happened' kinda talk. NOT GOOD. I should have stopped all that, but it felt good. My H and I were going through some things and I was feeling less about myself (long story) whatever...I was stupid. I know that now. He knows he was stupid as well. Sad thing is, because we got curious and discussed some feelings and whatever else, I kinda lost a good online friend I think. We rarely talk anymore. HE really helped me through some rough times and understood me and my anxiety problems as he suffers from the same thing. Just online support. My husband doesn't suffer from it so it's hard for him...But now I tell him more and he understands, or tries to, making more of an effort.

 

It could happen to ANYONE. Anybody who thinks they WOULD NEVER EVER feel feelings for anyone else but your spouse...You don't know until a situation is thrown at you. If you are an emotional person, get easily attached to your friends, loving and giving, it is just hard to turn on and off. Does that make sense? Maybe it's self control, maybe not...Maybe it's just enjoying a friendship too much, not really thinking of anything then before you know it, emotions are just there. I don't know.

 

Anyways, sorry, didn't mean to go off there on a rant...

 

You're not alone...Hang in there.

[Sweetz]

I think that's the lesson in all this, it can happen to anyone whether you think you are vulnerable to it or not. I would have bet any amount of money that this type of behavior would not have been committed by me. I was not this type of girl. Only bad girls do things like this and I am not a bad girl. Well under the right circumstances, anything can happen especially if you let your guard down.

 

I am pretty relieved in the last week. I feel like a ton of weight has been lifted off my shoulders. A lot of new revelations have come clear to me now. The only thing I regret more than having committed the affair is not coming clean to it sooner.

[Cis]

Did you come clean to your husband? I haven't - yet. I'm done with my folie a deux, and never got caught. I keep thinking that if I told my husband it might really get his attention and let him know how seriously I need him to engage with me emotionally. But then he could also kick me to the curb.

 

My affair was so wrong on so many levels. We kept telling each other that it could only be each other that we would consider going outside of our marriages (we were childhood friends). There was so much nostalgia and he was a terrific writer...a great seducer via Internet.

 

I guess what gets me in the gut and makes me so angry and hurt - is that I'm pretty sure he was lying - that he had pursued other women and that what he was doing with me wasn't really that unique. OH well - I'm an idiot.

 

Glad you're getting clear! It's an inspiration. I know you should never say never, but I'll NEVER do this again!

 

Cis

[Owl]

Sweetz- So what's the status on counseling? When are ya'll scheduled to go? And is your plan still to come clean on the other affairs with your husband when you go? DON'T WAIT...for either the counseling OR coming completely clean. Having sorta been in your husbands shoes...if you wait too long to tell him, he's going to take it hard all over again. Get it in the open NOW, or you'll just prolong the hostility phase.

[Sweetz]

CIS

Yes I have come clean on my last affair. It's been a big struggle since.

[Sweetz]

Originally posted by Owl

Sweetz- So what's the status on counseling? When are ya'll scheduled to go? And is your plan still to come clean on the other affairs with your husband when you go? DON'T WAIT...for either the counseling OR coming completely clean. Having sorta been in your husbands shoes...if you wait too long to tell him, he's going to take it hard all over again. Get it in the open NOW, or you'll just prolong the hostility phase.

 

Counseling I will start in January, I can't get an appointment any sooner. Also with the holidays coming up, I don't think I can handle everything at once right now. Perhaps the timing will work out better that way. I do want to come clean but am scared so therefore I need some help as to how I will work to that point.

 

At this point, I am questioning whether or not I want to stay in this marriage. It sucks right now.

[Joyce]

Sweetz,

 

I don't think it's a good idea to wait until January. The hardest time is the first few months.

 

At this point, I am questioning whether or not I want to stay in this marriage. It sucks right now

 

That is more of a reason to go. It will help you to talk to someone about how your feeling. I know it's hard to work through all the problems especially without counseling. To be honest with you your marriage will suck for a while but you do need to decide if you really want to be in it. It will be a waste of time for you and your H if you keep having doubts. It's normal to be stressed and wonder if you will make it but to want to give up so soon.. that's bad news.

 

It must be a bad day for you. Sweetz I know it's hard but hang in there. Remind yourself of how much you care and love you H. Remember what a great man he is. You can make it through this! Think positive. You already have changed and grown so much. Don't give up now.

[reservoirdog1]

Sweetz... of course the marriage sucks right now. If you and your H make a go of things, you will look back on this as the worst point. If you can get through this together, you can get through anything. And, like I mentioned in one of my other posts, now is NOT the time to be making decisions about the future -- the emotions are too extreme.

 

But... I implore you, DON'T wait until January to tell him about the other affairs. That's almost 2 months away. By that time, the immediate shock will have worn off, and you two may have started reconnecting. But you won't be able to enjoy that fully, because you'll know that there is a huge additional piece of info hanging over the marriage. It's not as though the marriage or anybody's emotions will be in a holding pattern over the next two months. There will be many changes, and many ups and downs. Do you really want to spend another 2 months with that extra info hanging over your head? And when that comes out, all the work you've put in will likely be destroyed. You'll be back to square one.

 

If you could see a counsellor on Monday, I'd tell you to talk to them first before coming clean on the other affairs. But two months? You can't afford that. Finding out about that there had been any infidelity at all was the absolute worst. Finding out about the others will hurt, but he's in shock right now anyway, so now is the best time to tell him.

 

It's not rocket science... he deserves to know. And, if you want to have any chance of saving your marriage, he NEEDS to know. Set yourself a target, e.g. that you'll tell him by Sunday. Only then can the healing and rebuilding begin. Without it, your efforts will probably be wasted.

[Cecelius]

This took a lot of guts to own up to.

 

On the other hand, I am firmly convinced at this point that getting married is never, ever going to be a good thing.

[Sweetz]

I know what I need to do but saying it and doing it are so different. I am not making excuses. I am just being truthful. I have tried to get an appointment sooner but due to my insurance and their schedule, it's just not going to happen. I know you are right when you say waiting any longer to tell him the rest of the story will only re-open a wound that is trying to heal itself. I can't argue with that. But there are many other dynamics going on here that are coming into play and taking it's toll on us that perhaps other affairs don't: his friendship with this OM and the betrayal of that relationship, the destruction of my old friendship with the OM's wife, the fact that they work together and how to cope with that element, the fact that due to business the four of us will perhaps see each other again in the near future. It couldn't be more complicated in my eyes. Now coming clean I will need to do, but honestly right now, I don't have the courage to tell him. I know that is wrong, but I am just being honest here.

[Owl]

Sweetz-

 

I mean this nicely, and I mean it honestly intended to help. Please take it that way.

 

I think that you're deliberately making the decision to tell him the rest of the story more difficult than it needs to be to avoid having to do so. His "friendship" with the OM isn't your problem. Your "friendship" with his wife isn't your problem. Your problem at this point in time is working to straighten out your marriage and your life. You cannot do either if you're hiding the truth from your husband. So quit finding reasons NOT to tell him, and get it done now. If you wait, the odds of your marriage making it in any shape or form will go down every day you wait. And that is on a curve...it drops slow for the first few days, but in a bit it will go down huge for every day.

 

You are absolutely right to be scared of telling him the rest of it. He very well may end up leaving you if he's not able to get past what you've done. Face it friend...your marriage has been in bad straights for four years, and he never realized it. You've had four years to internalize what's been going on...he's gonna have to deal with all of it now.

 

Everyone is on the money telling you that it's no wonder your having serious doubts about your marriage right now. I think my wife was more ready to leave me AFTER she revealed the affair than before. It was the worst four weeks of my life. I seriously considered suicide many times while all of this was going on. And I know it was horrible for her too. She cried herself to sleep every night. But I wish I could take a snapshot of my life then for you, and do the same of now. And its only been six months for us!!!

 

We had our bi-weekly counseling today. It sucked. It was hard. We talked about how crappy I still feel over all of this. We talked about how tough it still is for my wife and I to discuss what happened. We talked about how horrible she feels over all of this, and how guilty and ashamed and rotten she still feels over what she did and nearly did. And we walked out of there hand in hand. She stopped me by the doorway on the way out of the building and gave me a thorough kiss. And thanked me for being strong enough to hold on to her when she wanted to leave. And for loving her enough to work through all of this even after what she did.

 

Take hope friend. You can make it, if there is enough love. Right now he's doubting his love for you, because of what you've done. You're doubting your love for him, because in some ways you feel like he put you into the position to do what you did. Both of you are hurting, and there isn't anything either one of you can do at the moment to make the other feel any better. But, in time, you can and will if you decide to work for it.

[Sweetz]

I have huge, incredible, hard to believe, but beautiful news. I will go into detail shortly.

[Sukotto]

Couldn't you maybe pay for your first few visits to the counselor until the insurance can take over? Just 3-4 visits between now and then.

[ThumbingMyWay]

Sweetz,

 

is OM back from business trip yet?.....have you told him you came clean to your H OR are you just going to tell him its over?

[Joyce]

I have huge, incredible, hard to believe, but beautiful news. I will go into detail shortly

 

What's your news?

[Sweetz]

Ok here's the latest. It's taken a ton out of me to get to where I am today. It's only been 11 days but I feel so much differently now than I did then. Thanks to everyone who has helped me through this all.

 

Well, my husband knows everything. I had to come out and tell him. It just wasn't fair to him for me to keep all these hidden secrets from him. I guess the timing was just right and I came out and just spoke from my heart to him. He knows about all the OM that I have been involved with over the last few years. He acknowledged that those incidents took place but doesn't care for any of the details as to what happened. He told me that he doesn't care about the past and is willing to forget and forgive so we can move on with our lives. He is willing to do for me whatever it is I feel I need from him so that I am happy. He also cried when he said this and he never cries. To me, that was it. I can't let this man down ever again. It would be the last thing on earth I would want to do at this point.

 

The OM called me last Thursday and I told him it was over. He didn't even ask why. He just said Ok and hung up. Our conversation lasted less than 10 seconds. That was the last I have heard or communicated with him, and it shall be the last time. I have zero desire at this time to involve myself with him. He won't call me either I know it. His ego is too big for him to be the one chasing anyone. I see that part of him now.

 

My goal from here is to commit to myself and my marriage everything I have. The crazy thing is I now realize that everything I was after, everything that I was searching for and wanting, was always here for me. I just wasn't looking in the right direction for it.

 

The one thing I regret more than the affairs is not confessing to my husband about them sooner. As soon as I told him, I instantly felt relief for him and myself. For myself because it was just killing me to live the lie that I was, and for him, it was relief because perhaps so many unanswered questions were then more obvious to him.

 

We have a long road ahead of us. But we are both commited to each other and will work through anything to make it.

[ThumbingMyWay]

you did the right thing. I'm proud of you

[Owl]

OUTSTANDING!!!

 

See, now don't you wish you would have listened to me sooner!?!?!

 

Sweetz, this is nothing short of awesome. I'm glad you did the right thing. Now you know what kind of love your husband has for you. And NOW, you can start rebuilding that marriage again, and get the love flowing like it should be!

 

One thing...your husband is STILL gonna be on a rollercoaster ride for a while...one moment he's going to be like you've seen, and the next he's going to be hurt and angry and every negative thing you can think of. I've been there, trust me. I'm still going through it some. DON'T sweat it. It will pass with time. Get counselling ASAP. You've done the real hard part in coming totally clean, and made it this far. Now, work on fixing the things that were wrong in your marriage to LET this happen. Keep us posted friend!!!

[Joyce]

Good job sweetz!! Owl is right. In fact if you ever need to talk to someone on how your husband is feeling or advice Owl is the man. Your emotions will be on a roller coaster too. Make sure you don't get so caught up in making your H feel better that you forget about yourself. Communicate with you H and let him know how he can help you and ask him how you can help him... also like said many times before get counseling!

 

If you need to vent some more or talk were here for you

[Sweetz]

Owl

You have been awesome! I really appreciate all your posts. When I orginally logged onto LS to post, I was hoping to get some advice but never did I think what transpired would have. It's been amazing to me.

 

Joyce

Thanks for listening. You are great! From one woman to another, best wishes to you sweetie.

 

Thanks to everyone. I feel like a new person now!!!

[Joyce]

Best wishes to you too. Keep us updated on how you are doing.

[Owl]

LOL...maybe I should change careers and become a counselor? Hehehe, be afraid...be VERY afraid!

 

Seriously, I am glad that I might have said something that helped you out in some way. I really feel like I'm the least qualified person to be giving advice on this forum. If I was truly that good with things, I wouldn't be in the boat where I'm at, now would I? And while I am pretty good at understanding other people's emotions and situations, I suck at dealing with my own.

 

At any rate, keep up working on your relationship. Take care of your husband, and take care of yourself. I meant what I said about working on the CAUSE of the affair now...you had needs that weren't being met. Your husband has some too, I would have no doubt. If you don't take action to fix those, you may find yourself back in the same boat in the future. You guys are probably in something of a honeymoon phase in a way now...my wife and I went through it too. But, like any phase, it will lessen some and if you've not corrected the problems that lead to the affair(s), you'll slowly start finding yourself miserable again. So, work hard, and you'll be amazed at what your marriage may become! (Take a look for a book called "20 (Surprisingly Simple) Rules and Tools for a Great Marriage" by Dr Steve Stephens...agree with your husband to read and go through one chapter a nite...you will be astounded at how much that helps!!!)

[whichwayisup]

LOL...maybe I should change careers and become a counselor? Hehehe, be afraid...be VERY afraid!

 

Owl, you WOULD be great at it as you always use the right words and never belittle anyone. You have respect yet you tell it as you see it. Honest and from the heart. That's nice when one is looking for some real support.