Is there any chance of this working out?

[r321148]

So I feel a bit bad. Life is still going well but have just been thinking recently. I have been on 3 dates with a girl I met and she is really lovely. She's sweet and nice and caring and probably most of all she actually wants me. My problem is I just don't feel much for her. I don't know why as she is great but it just isn't there. I compare her to my ex all the time (I need to stop doing this!) and where things were sparky and lively with my ex, things feel dull and flat here. It's weird because we make each other laugh and we talk about all sorts and the main thing is that she does like me and my ex doesn't!! I keep telling myself this. Why do we always want what we can't have?!

I am going to break things off with this girl as I know it isn't fair on her to lead her on but I do feel bad as it honestly is a case of nothing she has done wrong. Not sure why I am writing this. Just extending my story and typing it out. I guess maybe it's too soon for me.

[r321148]

OK so things are odd with me at the moment. Generally I'd say things are still going well. Loving my job, playing sports and casually dating.

I just started in the last day or so to feel a bit of emptiness. I ended things with the other girl and explained that I just wasn't feeling it and she was understanding. I then dated a couple of other girls who've been dropping me hints recently but again I just didn't feel any spark with them.

I'm kind of really wanting to contact my ex (don't worry I won't be doing this!).

I think this is actually proving to be a more difficult break up than my others....even the ones that actually lasted for longer times. With those I could see reasons.

My longest term gf we had some problems, but I was horrible to at the end and she had every right to end things. I'll never contact her again out of respect for her. I hurt her badly and I fully understand that she'd never want to hear from me again. It hurts me that I could hurt someone that badly but I know there was a reason for the break up and I can't and won't ever go back.

My second longest cheated on me 3 times. I gave her chances and she kept breaking my trust. I have not contacted her or heard from her in 8 years and I have no desire to change that.

This one is different as things were great right to the last minute. I know I'll never understand the break up and I'm not really trying to. I also don't understand why she'd suggest friendship and then when I attempt to be friendly she blanks me. I don't know what I did to deserve that and sometimes I really feel like calling her to ask.

I won't be contacting her as she clearly doesn't want me to and I hope this is just a blip on my part but this emptiness I've been feeling the last few days is getting to me a little.

Hopefully it'll pass. Anyone else experienced this?

[Polak]

First off, good to hear you're not giving in to contacting her. Stay strong, it will get easier as time goes on. Don't try to look for answers from her! (And no worries, it's totally understandable if you just wanna type it out to get it out of your system)

 

Haven't really experienced 100% what you're dealing with as I've only had one real extended relationship (2 years) but I'll say this: I can see how you are comparing each new girl to the most recent ex which you are kinda hanging on to... but what I don't understand is why can't you let her go if you could with all the others? Surely it can't just be the fact that you seemed to have the most beneficial and positive relationship with the recent ex... are the good memories with her haunting you or something?

 

I don't mean to come off as blunt, just genuinely curious as to how you're feeling. I know you're doing well in your job, having fun doing various activities, and even dating a few girls on the side, sampling what's available. Yet, something is wrong. So I can't be sure where it could stem from. I'm almost thinking it originates with the fact that you don't have any kind of closure (which you definitely had in your other relationships, whether you broke them off or not). This last ex didn't give you any reasoning for ending things, and so maybe your brain isn't liking that and tries to connect those dots. I'm just not sure why it would start to affect your daily life as to invade on your new dating foray and lead you to feeling emptiness...

[r321148]

Thanks. I won't cave to contacting her. I had decided before I even sent the last text to her that I wouldn't be contacting her again. I think not replying is unfair given what she said before and she could have just told me she'd rather I didn't contact her, but no reply does make it fairly clear what she wants! The message I sent read along the lines of "hey how are you getting on with the new placement? Did you still fancy meeting up for a drink sometime soon? I have exciting news". That was almost 4 weeks ago. I had decided if she didn't reply then I would no longer be initiating anything with her and I am sticking to that.

"what I don't understand is why can't you let her go if you could with all the others? Surely it can't just be the fact that you seemed to have the most beneficial and positive relationship with the recent ex... are the good memories with her haunting you or something?"

 

This is what I'm trying to work out. I think it's something to do with my total lack of understanding of the situation. The others should, if thinking logically, have been harder as they were longer term (6 years and 2 years). Unfortunately it doesn't seem to be working like that. I'm not sure about the good memories of this relationship being the main factor either as I also have really great memories with my 2 long term partners as well... Maybe even more so as they lasted longer.

 

No worries on bluntness I appreciate people getting to the point!

I guess it doesn't really affect my daily life (as in I'm not distracted from work and it isn't stopping me doing other things). I hadn't really thought about her for a few weeks but then a couple of days ago (after a date actually) I just started thinking about her again. I had a couple of weird vivid dreams (read below if you're interested). Then felt an emptiness. It doesn't make sense to me as my life is fulfilling and I know I'm lucky really.

 

What makes it stranger is that I don't know why I care. Even if she did contact me now I'm not sure I'd want to get back together for a few reasons: I find it quite cruel that she can flatly ignore someone who in her own words "means a lot to her" and "did nothing wrong" and who she "never wanted to end up with us hating each other". I don't want to be with someone who treats people like that. I also think she'd have to do a lot to show me that she wouldn't just give up on me again. Relationships have difficulties and I wouldn't want to be with someone who I thought would disappear as soon as life wasn't perfect. I also value myself and think I deserve someone who wants to be with me. That's not to say I wouldn't hear her out if she did contact me but she would have to do a lot to change my mind now.

 

I am sure all of this will pass and it is just a blip. I already feel better today than yesterday. Just interesting to document some of how I'm feeling. Hopefully it might achieve a couple of things: 1) other people can read it and identify the stages 2) people may have been through similar and be able to offer a little advice or wisdom and 3) I can write it here and not contact her.

 

As an aside to the above for the interest of people into interpreting dreams (I'm not and am just hoping someone might find it interesting): for a couple of nights I had this recurring thing: each night was different situations but both times we started off distant and then kept getting closer and closer to each other but then all we'd do is brush arms or briefly hold hands and then we'd move apart again, and then it'd repeat. That's not very well explained: example: one time was in a nightclub and we were on opposite sides of the dance floor, caught each others eye and struggled through the crowd until we got close, then we very briefly held hands and then got swept away by people onto opposite sides of the dance floor again before it repeated a few times. The other situations were similar ideas....

[lylat333]

I know I'll never understand the break up and I'm not really trying to. I also don't understand why she'd suggest friendship and then when I attempt to be friendly she blanks me. I don't know what I did to deserve that and sometimes I really feel like calling her to ask.

I won't be contacting her as she clearly doesn't want me to and I hope this is just a blip on my part but this emptiness I've been feeling the last few days is getting to me a little.

Hopefully it'll pass. Anyone else experienced this?

 

Hi, OP, just wanted to let you know you're not alone. I too will probably never understand why my ex and I fell out of contact. She said explicitly she hoped to remain friends, which I said I didn't want, but when I tried to be friendly she completely ignored me at least 2-3 times. So I gave up on the idea of contacting her and have done pretty well staying completely away from her.

 

I don't have a lot of wisdom to offer as I'm still coping, but things have gotten a lot better. At first I shifted so much of the blame to myself, hated myself for being needy/clingy at the end and thought of a million and one things I wished I'd done different to salvage things. Now, I feel a lot more positive about the fallout. Yes, I was a dumpee starting to go crazy because I was losing control and losing someone I loved. But I know my heart was in the right place and I sincerely wanted to work things out. I never called her names or became abusive. She bailed on me, somehow didn't find me attractive all of a sudden.

 

If things were good right up until the breakup, it's OK to believe that. Sometimes people make stupid decisions and dump people they shouldn't have. If you can be happy with you, that's the most important thing. And not feel you have to come crawling back to her just to get some closure. For you and I, the ball has been sitting in our ex's court. It may get a cobweb on it or two!

 

I'm hitting the 90-day post-BU milestone tomorrow. I have not heard a single peep from my ex the entire time. I never expected this to happen, but here it is. I also never expected to get over it, but here I am in a bit of disbelief I can daydream of a brighter future.

[r321148]

Thanks for the reply, sounds like you are doing well!

It's so difficult to work out as I never even turned down her offer of friendship. I wanted to stay in touch with her even if it was "just" as a friend (I say "just" in this way as I value my friendships almost as highly as my relationships). She seemed genuinely pleased about that.

Sometimes people make stupid decisions and dump people they shouldn't have. If you can be happy with you, that's the most important thing. And not feel you have to come crawling back to her just to get some closure.

If she does decide that it was a stupid decision then she can contact me. I'd always hear her out. I'm not contacting her as she clearly doesn't want me to. I always said part of caring for someone was respecting their wishes and that is what I'm doing. I am pretty happy with me in general. I've done a lot for myself in the last 6 weeks and I feel like I'm really moving forward in life. I'm not sure where the empty feeling came from. I think maybe it was a small amount of realisation that I was getting all this great stuff in my life and had nobody special to share it with.... the vivid dreams of her and lack of spark on dates didn't help either.

Seems to have mostly passed now though and I feel pumped after hanging from a cliff face for 3 hours!

Cheers for the support

[r321148]

Now the dust has settled a little I'm just curious about a few things.

I know the reasons don't matter and the facts are that we aren't together and are not going to be. I have realised that I deserve better and, whilst I want someone to share the good things in my life with, that person is not someone who ditched me as soon as things got a bit difficult and then blanked me with no explanation.

 

Just wondering (for general interest more than anything) if anyone had any thoughts on:

 

1) What actually happened here? From what I've written are there any thoughts on why she flaked out on me?

2) Is there anything I could/should have done differently? From what I've written does anyone think I should have acted differently pre-breakup, during the breakup or post-breakup?

 

cheers