HELP NEEDED BADLY!!!!

[Jess Bear]

I wrote a letter hopeing to give to someone...anyone who could give solid advice. Here it is I am Webber State University student. I am also a Job Corps of America student. (Job Corps) is a program for low income youths to learn job skills, such as become a cirtified nursing ass. CNA, printing, clearical.....as well as earn a H.S. diploma or GED....)

 

Most relationships in J.C. don't last longer than a month. Then those that survive that far don't last a year. I belive this isn't so bad because it gives students time to learn about haveing a relationship in the first place.

 

I have a relationship with a J.C. student. We have been together for 8 months. I love him dearly. The problem is I've had a sence that something is wrong for about a month and a half. He seem far away most of the time. He rarely dose the little things like old fasion gentleman, or say we, us, ext. I fear he has fallen out of love, or that he never realy fell in love. I think of lots of thing to bring up so we can discus the problems that come up but latley I just melt.

 

One kiss and I just want to keep him happy. I look at him and forget what I was going to say.

 

Latter I realise how goofy I've been and want to beat myself up for it. I have in all past relationships kept a farely level head about myself. I am a stronge personality. I speek my mind, louder than needed many times, I do not put up with abuse in any shape or form, I try to be a no nosence person. At the same time I want to know both sides before I speek my mind.

 

Do you see how this affects my delema? I head-over-heels and I'm not used to that and he seems tired of me.

 

Thankyou,

 

BEARJESS

[Tony T]

This is not necessarily a problem but more a fact of life. There are some guys who just aren't ready for a very long term relationship. There are many reasons why he may be acting the way he is but the most likely reason is that he is just not ready to settle down with someone.

 

I am glad to hear that you don't put up with abuse or bad treatment of any kind. If you feel your guy is distant, you need to be brave, hold your head up high, and just tell him how you have been feeling. Be ready to hear whatever he has to say. Also, tell him you are not willing to stay in a relationship where you feel you are not important.

 

You will learn everything you need to know by communicating your feelings to him. Maybe he will not be perfectly honest with you so you will have to use your own good judgement to feel what the truth is.

 

It seems you are not feeling great about the way this relationship is going now...so if things don't get better in a reasonable amount of time, you will have to move on. You sound like a really nice lady and I'm sure you will be able to find a nice guy who will appreciate you and give you the love and attention you deserve.

 

Good luck in the Job Corps. and in matters of love!!!

[nycesq]

Ahhh, to be a woman. I read your question and felt as though you described a situation, and probably millions of women feel. We, as women, are taught to be strong, independent....to basically, take no crap........yet we have a softer side, waiting to love, give comfort and solace. What do we do when we are in love, then, and we are unsatisfatisfied? We get angry BECAUSE we are supposed to be self-sufficient and strong. Don't feel bad for feeling at odds with yourself.

 

What you should do is be honest with yourself and your boyfriend. First, you admitted that relationships in the Job Corps program do not last long. But why is this? What is the structure of the program that makes relationships end shortly? perhaps it is due to your age or that the program focuses on strengthening your own life and skills. When we focus on bettering ourselves, we sometimes forget to maintain the relationships around us.

 

If you really love this person, you should be honest and tell him how you feel. He may be distant because of something happening in his life that is totally unrelated to you. Men get distant and it is not necessarily a bad thing. But if it bothers you, you should feel free to bring it up. See how he reacts. If you tell him that you feel he is shutting you out, he will have no choice but to tell you whether that is true or not. Ask him in a neutral tone.....try not to cry or get angry. I understand that this is very important to you but if you become overly emotional, he will probably turn off and you will not be able to resolve the issues.

 

I think that you also need to look within yourself and remember why you are here, doing what you are doing. you are focusing on making a better future for yourself. If he truly loves you, you will both be able to accomplish this while remaining respectful of other people's feelings. But do not feel alone. Many women get into this type of situation. Good luck!

[Deejette]

I agree, it is hard to have that control over our own life and not be able to control the actions of the ones we want to love us. When someone loves us, it is not on demand, but on a volunteer basis. Therefore, we have no power over them to make them pay more attention to us than they want to. If he is not doing those little gentlemanly things, you cannot require him to do so by lecturing him or anything like that.

 

Just be the person you are and if he loves you for yourself, then you know you have found the right person. Finding the right person is not easy, and that is why many relationships don't last very long. If he seems to be getting tired of you, you have to have the dignity to make yourself scarce and not be like the little lost puppy looking for love.

 

You sound like you are a strong woman and you can do it!

Ahhh, to be a woman. I read your question and felt as though you described a situation, and probably millions of women feel. We, as women, are taught to be strong, independent....to basically, take no crap........yet we have a softer side, waiting to love, give comfort and solace. What do we do when we are in love, then, and we are unsatisfatisfied? We get angry BECAUSE we are supposed to be self-sufficient and strong. Don't feel bad for feeling at odds with yourself. What you should do is be honest with yourself and your boyfriend. First, you admitted that relationships in the Job Corps program do not last long. But why is this? What is the structure of the program that makes relationships end shortly? perhaps it is due to your age or that the program focuses on strengthening your own life and skills. When we focus on bettering ourselves, we sometimes forget to maintain the relationships around us.

 

If you really love this person, you should be honest and tell him how you feel. He may be distant because of something happening in his life that is totally unrelated to you. Men get distant and it is not necessarily a bad thing. But if it bothers you, you should feel free to bring it up. See how he reacts. If you tell him that you feel he is shutting you out, he will have no choice but to tell you whether that is true or not. Ask him in a neutral tone.....try not to cry or get angry. I understand that this is very important to you but if you become overly emotional, he will probably turn off and you will not be able to resolve the issues. I think that you also need to look within yourself and remember why you are here, doing what you are doing. you are focusing on making a better future for yourself. If he truly loves you, you will both be able to accomplish this while remaining respectful of other people's feelings. But do not feel alone. Many women get into this type of situation. Good luck!