He's Turning It Around...?

[LinkWorshiper]

Well, I know it's done. Or at least our old relationship was. And I think I'm just really upset because it seemed like we were creating something new that could go to a stronger relationship, except he kind of tripped that one up. I think he knows it too, so we'll just have to see what he does. But to clarify some stuff:

 

1. He broke NC with his long, giant letter of apologies and hopes for a better future together

2. His behavior towards me since breaking NC seriously felt like we were a couple again. HE was the one reaching out to me, HE was the one arranging to hang out... I barely lifted a finger. Even after our dispute last night, he's STILL checking my Tumblr obsessively.

 

I get what you all are trying to say. I'm trying to handle it in the best fashion I can muster. I know I have a bad habit of worrying about how other people feel in general too much. I think it was a big step for me that when I spoke to him last night, I shut him down instead of giving him placating answers as I usually would. I will be honest and say I hope it's a slap in the face for him. I will also be honest and say I still hope things work out. But I will also honestly say, right now, I'm still so annoyed at him, that if he were to text me right now, I would probably ignore him. I am sincerely done with the roller coaster, even though I still have hope he will get a clue. And that is a notion I maintain only because I've seen him make moves once he got to the edge of the cliff. So at this point, I guess we'll see just how important I really am after all. Time to walk the walk, buddy.

 

....I'm still annoyed though. That's almost what is the most upsetting to me. That I even have to be.

[Mariposa10]

Well, I know it's done. Or at least our old relationship was. And I think I'm just really upset because it seemed like we were creating something new that could go to a stronger relationship, except he kind of tripped that one up. I think he knows it too, so we'll just have to see what he does. But to clarify some stuff:

 

1. He broke NC with his long, giant letter of apologies and hopes for a better future together

2. His behavior towards me since breaking NC seriously felt like we were a couple again. HE was the one reaching out to me, HE was the one arranging to hang out... I barely lifted a finger. Even after our dispute last night, he's STILL checking my Tumblr obsessively.

 

I get what you all are trying to say. I'm trying to handle it in the best fashion I can muster. I know I have a bad habit of worrying about how other people feel in general too much. I think it was a big step for me that when I spoke to him last night, I shut him down instead of giving him placating answers as I usually would. I will be honest and say I hope it's a slap in the face for him. I will also be honest and say I still hope things work out. But I will also honestly say, right now, I'm still so annoyed at him, that if he were to text me right now, I would probably ignore him. I am sincerely done with the roller coaster, even though I still have hope he will get a clue. And that is a notion I maintain only because I've seen him make moves once he got to the edge of the cliff. So at this point, I guess we'll see just how important I really am after all. Time to walk the walk, buddy.

 

....I'm still annoyed though. That's almost what is the most upsetting to me. That I even have to be.

 

We have to focus more on actions. Let's not forget we were with these guys for years, so just because they do something it doesn't mean they love us, maybe they do those things because of how long we were together with them. Sometimes I feel like my ex is still reaching out to me because of how long we were together, not really because of how he feels. So we need to start living our lives here on the planet not in the little hell we've been living.

[LinkWorshiper]

We have to focus more on actions. Let's not forget we were with these guys for years, so just because they do something it doesn't mean they love us, maybe they do those things because of how long we were together with them. Sometimes I feel like my ex is still reaching out to me because of how long we were together, not really because of how he feels. So we need to start living our lives here on the planet not in the little hell we've been living.

 

I guess what confused me in the recent few weeks was that I WAS paying more attention to his actions than his words. His actions were reaching out to me, giving me gifts, talking to me every day, stuff like that. I felt like I was being courted, honestly. So for him to turn around and say, 'Oh I don't love you,' and THEN turn around and start panicking when I don't give him the lip service he expected... it almost makes me wonder. I'm trying to go through my day to day as best I can, though my life is a little bit in upheaval at the moment. Can I add that when he found out I was going out of town for a while, he made sure that we hung out before I left, even if it meant bringing me in on plans he'd already made. And his plea for lunch... HA! Must have forgotten I'm not even in town right now, so it would be tough to meet up. Right now, I am going to subscribe to BC's thoughts about stepping back and letting him really show his true colors. It's a big gamble, and I feel like I've made some other big gambles in this whole thing that have generally worked out in my favor, so we'll see.

[Mariposa10]

I guess what confused me in the recent few weeks was that I WAS paying more attention to his actions than his words. His actions were reaching out to me, giving me gifts, talking to me every day, stuff like that. I felt like I was being courted, honestly. So for him to turn around and say, 'Oh I don't love you,' and THEN turn around and start panicking when I don't give him the lip service he expected... it almost makes me wonder. I'm trying to go through my day to day as best I can, though my life is a little bit in upheaval at the moment. Can I add that when he found out I was going out of town for a while, he made sure that we hung out before I left, even if it meant bringing me in on plans he'd already made. And his plea for lunch... HA! Must have forgotten I'm not even in town right now, so it would be tough to meet up. Right now, I am going to subscribe to BC's thoughts about stepping back and letting him really show his true colors. It's a big gamble, and I feel like I've made some other big gambles in this whole thing that have generally worked out in my favor, so we'll see.

 

By actions I meant actions related to building a new relationship, like someone said to me on this forum, "Has he said he's done with the other girl and he's not interested in her anymore?" No, your ex and my ex haven't said anything. My ex has also given me two gifts something he didn't even do when were were together. I don't know why, was he feeling guilty? I don't know. I think following BC's advice is the best and pretty much the only thing you can do if you want to know what's going on.

[LinkWorshiper]

By actions I meant actions related to building a new relationship, like someone said to me on this forum, "Has he said he's done with the other girl and he's not interested in her anymore?" No, your ex and my ex haven't said anything. My ex has also given me two gifts something he didn't even do when were were together. I don't know why, was he feeling guilty? I don't know. I think following BC's advice is the best and pretty much the only thing you can do if you want to know what's going on.

 

Man, it's scary how similar our situations are! Again, though, I really thought the actions my ex was taking were steps to rebuilding the relationship, especially since he seemed to be so keen to talk about things he had messed up on and wanted to fix. Like he recognized that he wasn't being the best he could be towards the end. And he's taken me out to lunch, he's bought me chocolate, he's brought me walking in all my favourite places to walk in the city. (He even KNEW to choose a route that is less travelled but one that he knows I prefer that one day we took a long walk.)

 

I think the problem both you and I have was that we were making it too easy. And I guess it was hard for me to see that because I've just been trying to approach it with my own philosophies in mind about showing kindness and love to receive kindness and love. I don't want to say my ex took advantage, but I think he knows that I am free with those feelings and he doesn't have to work to have them, especially because he knows that I value him very much. The reason BC's advice stood out to me was because it wasn't about an extreme action or punishment or anything... it was about raising the stakes and putting value on yourself. If he can recognizes the value, especially now that it's not so easy to have, then we'll see what happens.

[StrongLass]

Oh my god... this sounds like the worst nightmare... how are you handling the entire situation?? Do you know what happened, so he reached out to you and then regretted it? I was with my ex for 4 years too...

 

Well...we had a MASSIVE fight tonight about it and he actually moved ALL his stuff out two hours ago because of it so I suppose that's an improvement

 

Tell me... if an ex made out with you/ate you out then was texting some other girl "sweet dreams I love you <3" an hour later how else would you respond??? It didn't feel right AT ALL to me... so he got driven out!

 

He's a child emotionally-that's all I can really attribute it to. He missed me so much he reached out. I was one of the best friends he ever had. Fortunately for me I told my roommates about the WHOLE situation and they were FURIOUS so that "helped" him leave. He's in a hotel right now. I had been scared because until I opened up they (the roommates) had NO IDEA what was going on.

 

I'm welcome to stay as long as I like (according to my roommates) as long as I pay rent/help clean the place but I am more than willing to advise ANYONE STRONGLY against what I've done as far as "reconciliation with a long term ex" goes.

 

And THAT'S why some of us caution you so strongly, OP.I really DON'T WANY ANYONE to experience what I have if they can help it.

 

If you want to PM me about it later that's fine. I'm a little..inebriated right now. Later I'll be fine.

 

We'll ALL be fine.

Edited September 13, 2013 by StrongLass

[LinkWorshiper]

Well...we had a MASSIVE fight tonight about it and he actually moved ALL his stuff out two hours ago because of it so I suppose that's an improvement

 

Tell me... if an ex made out with you/ate you out then was texting some other girl "sweet dreams I love you <3" an hour later how else would you respond??? It didn't feel right AT ALL to me... so he got driven out!

 

He's a child emotionally-that's all I can really attribute it to. He missed me so much he reached out. I was one of the best friends he ever had. Fortunately for me I told my roommates about the WHOLE situation and they were FURIOUS so that "helped" him leave. He's in a hotel right now. I had been scared because until I opened up they (the roommates) had NO IDEA what was going on.

 

I'm welcome to stay as long as I like (according to my roommates) as long as I pay rent/help clean the place but I am more than willing to advise ANYONE STRONGLY against what I've done as far as "reconciliation with a long term ex" goes.

 

And THAT'S why some of us caution you so strongly, OP.I really DON'T WANY ANYONE to experience what I have if they can help it.

 

If you want to PM me about it later that's fine. I'm a little..inebriated right now. Later I'll be fine.

 

We'll ALL be fine.

 

I see striking similarities, I must admit. I'm super frustrated because things really did seem to be improving with him. We were communicating better than before, our relationship seemed like it was blossoming into something newer and better, and considering how strong our feelings had been for each other before, I saw no reason why this shouldn't be a road to recovery. He seemed to really have taken interest in my life and what I've been up to, and he was honestly doing most of the legwork in our new "friendship". I honestly felt like he was courting me again.

 

We didn't fight per se, but I did finally just stop trying to explain myself and be open about my feelings in the matter, which I think freaked him out. He did start to panic and I kept shutting him down. I am not opposed to the idea of talking to him again, but I need to cool off, and he needs to know that if he enjoys that level of a relationship with me, he should consider what it really means to love somebody.

 

...I will definitely send you a PM in a moment.

[Mariposa10]

Well...we had a MASSIVE fight tonight about it and he actually moved ALL his stuff out two hours ago because of it so I suppose that's an improvement

 

Tell me... if an ex made out with you/ate you out then was texting some other girl "sweet dreams I love you <3" an hour later how else would you respond??? It didn't feel right AT ALL to me... so he got driven out!

 

He's a child emotionally-that's all I can really attribute it to. He missed me so much he reached out. I was one of the best friends he ever had. Fortunately for me I told my roommates about the WHOLE situation and they were FURIOUS so that "helped" him leave. He's in a hotel right now. I had been scared because until I opened up they (the roommates) had NO IDEA what was going on.

 

I'm welcome to stay as long as I like (according to my roommates) as long as I pay rent/help clean the place but I am more than willing to advise ANYONE STRONGLY against what I've done as far as "reconciliation with a long term ex" goes.

 

And THAT'S why some of us caution you so strongly, OP.I really DON'T WANY ANYONE to experience what I have if they can help it.

 

If you want to PM me about it later that's fine. I'm a little..inebriated right now. Later I'll be fine.

 

We'll ALL be fine.

 

I'm so happy you talked to your roommates!!! Now you won't have to put up with such a horrible situation. Like you I'm supposed to be my ex's best friend (he has close friends but they live out of state), so that's why I'm really careful, not confusing that maybe he misses me as a friend but not a girlfriend. The good thing is that now since I'm getting really pissed off about the situation, I feel like I won't care soon. I don't contact him and I don't care if he contacts me, before just the though to of it would make me feel crazy!

[LinkWorshiper]

I'm so happy you talked to your roommates!!! Now you won't have to put up with such a horrible situation. Like you I'm supposed to be my ex's best friend (he has close friends but they live out of state), so that's why I'm really careful, not confusing that maybe he misses me as a friend but not a girlfriend. The good thing is that now since I'm getting really pissed off about the situation, I feel like I won't care soon. I don't contact him and I don't care if he contacts me, before just the though to of it would make me feel crazy!

 

I would feel as you feel if my ex was actually good at defining the difference between friend and girlfriend. He might say he just wants to be my close friend, but he still treats me just as he did when we were together, and I kind of fell into treating him the same as well. So I guess I was left wondering if he really DID miss me as a girlfriend since he seemed to miss that kind of relationship. I kick myself a little bit for just lowering the boom on him the other day and giving him the cold shoulder instead of allowing ourselves to grow more close, but I decided that maybe feeding into it wasn't helping things, so the next best route was to just draw the line. If he doesn't like it, he is welcome to step over it to figure out where to go. I guess I'm just trying to take a little control back in the situation, instead of things always being at his pace. If he's really wrecked about me pulling back, he can think about why it bothers him so much and what he wants to do about it. I won't say I've given up, but I am done with allowing him to be in the driver's seat and steer based on where his feelings are at. Right now, he can do some catch up if it really matters to him that much.

[BC1980]

I would feel as you feel if my ex was actually good at defining the difference between friend and girlfriend. He might say he just wants to be my close friend, but he still treats me just as he did when we were together, and I kind of fell into treating him the same as well. So I guess I was left wondering if he really DID miss me as a girlfriend since he seemed to miss that kind of relationship. I kick myself a little bit for just lowering the boom on him the other day and giving him the cold shoulder instead of allowing ourselves to grow more close, but I decided that maybe feeding into it wasn't helping things, so the next best route was to just draw the line. If he doesn't like it, he is welcome to step over it to figure out where to go. I guess I'm just trying to take a little control back in the situation, instead of things always being at his pace. If he's really wrecked about me pulling back, he can think about why it bothers him so much and what he wants to do about it. I won't say I've given up, but I am done with allowing him to be in the driver's seat and steer based on where his feelings are at. Right now, he can do some catch up if it really matters to him that much.

 

I think that is a mistake a lot of people make. Letting someone else in the driver's seat. That's why NC works because it takes all the guessing away. You just don't deal with anything. You are where you can still see if he wants to work it out, but you have to be careful not to let him have too much control. You can't give him the courtesy of being treated like a boyfriend. Right now, you are a free agent and not worried with him until he decides he wants to give you some type of commitment. It's like you have to outlast him, and a lot of people can't do that. You also may not want to in the end. You might find greener pastures during all of this.

[LinkWorshiper]

I think that is a mistake a lot of people make. Letting someone else in the driver's seat. That's why NC works because it takes all the guessing away. You just don't deal with anything. You are where you can still see if he wants to work it out, but you have to be careful not to let him have too much control. You can't give him the courtesy of being treated like a boyfriend. Right now, you are a free agent and not worried with him until he decides he wants to give you some type of commitment. It's like you have to outlast him, and a lot of people can't do that. You also may not want to in the end. You might find greener pastures during all of this.

 

Yeah. I think my problem was allowing myself to be focused on being the kind of person I want to be, even in the face of a difficult situation. Integrity etc. I sincerely believe in paying it forward and kindness and unconditional love and all that flower power type stuff, so I adhered to it feeling it was best to just be genuine. I think what I am realizing right now is that it's great to be genuine, but that doesn't mean I should go skipping through meadows and scattering it willynilly, especially in this situation.

 

At this point, he has had enough of a taste of what it feels like to enjoy being close to me in the past three weeks to know if it'll really bother him when it's suddenly taken away. (This worked with him the past once before when we had a spell of relationship tension about two years ago.) Hopefully he will recognize that he's losing out, and even if he wants to be my friend, he's not going to get THAT anymore. He has done nothing but tell me how happy he's been spending time with me, and how much he's enjoyed our connections and how important he feels it's been for us and stuff like that. I think he's kidding himself if he thinks he can have an emotionally intimate relationship like that with anyone, ESPECIALLY an ex, and not think it means anything. Maybe it's just me, but this kind of interaction is more intimate than even a sexual relationship, as I view sex as more of an expression of those types of feelings.

 

Right now, besides being impatient and wanting to actually keep DOING something about all this, I'm just wrestling with guilt issues because the hippie in me wants to apologize for being curt, especially when he started whipping out the efforts to express that he cares about my wellbeing. I think I have to start thinking in terms of the fact that I'm showing him talk is cheap, and he's got to actually figure out where he stands and stop with all these mixed messages, doing one thing and saying another. I like what you say that it's a battle of wills and it's time I started remembering that I'm not as weak as I might seem, even if there are things I know I'm not perfect at. Right now, I'm at the plate and I took my swing. Batter up.

[Mariposa10]

I would feel as you feel if my ex was actually good at defining the difference between friend and girlfriend. He might say he just wants to be my close friend, but he still treats me just as he did when we were together, and I kind of fell into treating him the same as well. So I guess I was left wondering if he really DID miss me as a girlfriend since he seemed to miss that kind of relationship. I kick myself a little bit for just lowering the boom on him the other day and giving him the cold shoulder instead of allowing ourselves to grow more close, but I decided that maybe feeding into it wasn't helping things, so the next best route was to just draw the line. If he doesn't like it, he is welcome to step over it to figure out where to go. I guess I'm just trying to take a little control back in the situation, instead of things always being at his pace. If he's really wrecked about me pulling back, he can think about why it bothers him so much and what he wants to do about it. I won't say I've given up, but I am done with allowing him to be in the driver's seat and steer based on where his feelings are at. Right now, he can do some catch up if it really matters to him that much.

 

My ex is not good at defining the difference between a friend and girlfriend either. He's told me he loves me and finds me super attractive but that that's not enough for us to have a relationship, just yet. When we text he treats me as if I were his girlfriend sending me hearts kisses etc, so immature. Weeks ago he sent me a message saying, "I love you" but all that doesn't matter because he still hasn't talked about rebuilding a new relationship or that he's not longer interested in the other girl.

 

Don't feel bad for giving him the cold shoulder because after all you guys are not a couple anymore. The relationship is different, these guys have to realize that, that we won't be waiting for them while they are having fun with someone else. Now that I've stopped contacting him and stroking his ego, I feel like I'm in charge of my emotions, that's liberating after how bad this situation has made me feel.

[Mariposa10]

I'm so grateful to be able to vent on this forum! I would've gone crazy without this forum, I can't really talk about this with my friends. Thanks everyone!!

[LinkWorshiper]

My ex is not good at defining the difference between a friend and girlfriend either. He's told me he loves me and finds me super attractive but that that's not enough for us to have a relationship, just yet. When we text he treats me as if I were his girlfriend sending me hearts kisses etc, so immature. Weeks ago he sent me a message saying, "I love you" but all that doesn't matter because he still hasn't talked about rebuilding a new relationship or that he's not longer interested in the other girl.

 

Don't feel bad for giving him the cold shoulder because after all you guys are not a couple anymore. The relationship is different, these guys have to realize that, that we won't be waiting for them while they are having fun with someone else. Now that I've stopped contacting him and stroking his ego, I feel like I'm in charge of my emotions, that's liberating after how bad this situation has made me feel.

 

First off, I'm grateful for this thread in particular as well. It is helping me feel more in control of my feelings and helping me figure out how to make the best of this whole thing, and perhaps even still get what I want out of it. You guys are very empathetic contacts, so thank you.

 

Anyway, yeah, that's the frustration. Except my ex hasn't said the words 'I love you' (and in fact has stated the opposite), but his actions are definitely not the actions of someone who is not in love with, or at least doesn't have incredibly strong feelings of attraction for another. As I mentioned earlier, I had been trying not to pressure him because recently it seemed like he was actually starting to warm up to the idea of fixing things between us. Maybe I jumped the gun in bringing it up, but I am also realizing that he can't have expected this situation to continue like that forever, especially if he was seeing someone else. Still not convinced he's serious about her, especially with the way he treats me and the fact that it's been three months and he's still just "seeing" her.

 

I guess I have to recognize that the only way for him to get a clue was to shake it up and do something different. He is not used to me being curt with him. At most, he's dealt with me being upset, but never have I ignored texts, given vague answers or totally shut him down. I KNOW he was trying to soften things by saying the things that usually make me feel better, and the fact that he emptied out his bag of tricks all in the space of an hour at least shows that he's worried I've changed my mind. I guess what I'm trying to say is that he has to understand that I've reached my threshold with being placated. Put up or shut up. If he likes my company and the way he feels when we're together that much, step up to the plate. If he didn't, I really don't think we would have been doing this dance. He was the one who has been working so hard to keep me, so maybe he ought to start thinking why that matters so much.

 

He just checked my Tumblr... AGAIN...

[BC1980]

The way I see it. . . . people have all the right in the world to be undecided, confused, slow to act. But that doesn't mean I'm going to sit around and be there when they finally decide. I'm not going to be an emotional crutch while they decide and give them relationship benefits. I'm not investing anything in my ex unless I see some commitment to try and work it out. I'm still NC, but we did leave the door open for future reconciliation. I basically told him I would contact him when and if the time came.

[LinkWorshiper]

The way I see it. . . . people have all the right in the world to be undecided, confused, slow to act. But that doesn't mean I'm going to sit around and be there when they finally decide. I'm not going to be an emotional crutch while they decide and give them relationship benefits. I'm not investing anything in my ex unless I see some commitment to try and work it out. I'm still NC, but we did leave the door open for future reconciliation. I basically told him I would contact him when and if the time came.

 

I completely agree!! My mistake was being all too accommodating of that fact. I am realizing now that if anything, I have been KEEPING him from making a choice. And if he was just keeping me around until he felt confident enough with the new girl, well, I don't think so! He can decide if he'd rather be comfortable in a relationship he KNOWS is pleasing to both parties, or he can just set himself up for a doomed cycle that might work out, but probably won't. Frankly, the last time my ex and I had a bit of relationship tension was like two years ago for about a month, and we were in a similar situation as to now (actually now is a million times more positive than that, but I digress), but it wasn't until I put my foot down and turned the tables on him that it dawned on him that he was being stupid. All of the sudden he was rushing to fix things.

 

Anyway, I didn't say anything to my ex in terms of who should be contacting whom. I'm not really sure about it myself. Honestly, I think I'd like to see him actually make an effort here. He was making crazy amounts of efforts before just to keep in contact with me a few days ago, and he's still going super out of his way to check on what I've been up to on the internet, so it's not out of his range to pick up the phone and reach out, I think. Maybe he needs some time to see I'm not joking this time around. At the same time, he might be afraid to reach out to me because of that, so I'm not sure really if I should be first or what. I know I'm not ready to right now, anyway.

[BC1980]

I did the exact same thing with my ex, so don't feel bad. It wasn't until I started pulling away that he admitted it had been hard for him to see me do that. I was so shocked he admitted that. I figured he could care less. I think a lot of people are just too scared to pull away as a way to get someone to make a decision. I was for sure. I was way too accommodating for the entire relationship looking back on it. It really is from fear of them leaving you, but, once you realize it's okay either way it goes, you can do it.

[LinkWorshiper]

I did the exact same thing with my ex, so don't feel bad. It wasn't until I started pulling away that he admitted it had been hard for him to see me do that. I was so shocked he admitted that. I figured he could care less. I think a lot of people are just too scared to pull away as a way to get someone to make a decision. I was for sure. I was way too accommodating for the entire relationship looking back on it. It really is from fear of them leaving you, but, once you realize it's okay either way it goes, you can do it.

 

It's true. We have had a period of NC before through all this stuff, when he first mentioned the other girl. I was like, 'I'm out, can't hang around for this.' He wrote me this intense, emotional letter that confessed a lot of things and we ended up talking again a few weeks later. Now it's turned into this. I think he needs to see I'm not here for his convenience, but rather because I want to be. And I can just as easily NOT want to be.

 

But you console me that it wasn't bad to do what I did. I still kind of kick myself for not just going with it to hear his apology for how he behaved at the end of our relationship, but I guess now I can see if he is ACTUALLY sorry depending on how he proceeds. I still have hopes that things will work out, but my attitude on how to get there is definitely changed.

 

Did you wait for him to reach out to you or did you throw him a bone? Sitting on my hands is very hard but... the only thing really keeping me right now from doing anything is because I don't know what good would come out of talking right now, unless he pulled some romcom confessions out of his hat.

[Mariposa10]

I did the exact same thing with my ex, so don't feel bad. It wasn't until I started pulling away that he admitted it had been hard for him to see me do that. I was so shocked he admitted that. I figured he could care less. I think a lot of people are just too scared to pull away as a way to get someone to make a decision. I was for sure. I was way too accommodating for the entire relationship looking back on it. It really is from fear of them leaving you, but, once you realize it's okay either way it goes, you can do it.

 

Yes, it's really all about that fear of him leaving me. I used to spend hours thinking that if I were to stop talking to him and stroking his ego he would choose the other girl, but then I realized that he in a way (even if he doesn't agree) he'd already chosen her. Not because of the ultimatum I gave him, but he chose her when he didn't focus on rebuilding a new relationship with me but instead wanting to get to know her more. I used to get sick by the thought of them being together. But all that is gone now. I'm sure I would feel depressed if I were to see them together right now, but it wouldn't affect me as much as it would've had in the past. It feels great to be in charge of your emotions, and not afraid to let go...

[BC1980]

Did you wait for him to reach out to you or did you throw him a bone? Sitting on my hands is very hard but... the only thing really keeping me right now from doing anything is because I don't know what good would come out of talking right now, unless he pulled some romcom confessions out of his hat.

 

In my case, since I requested NC, I think I have to be the one to contact him if I feel ready and want to at some point. I don't know when that point will come.

 

I would see my ex at times or talk to him because I thought that by being there it might help me get him back. But that's not true at all. All I was doing is showing him I was there for his convenience, so he could take all the time he wanted to decide.

[BC1980]

Yes, it's really all about that fear of him leaving me. I used to spend hours thinking that if I were to stop talking to him and stroking his ego he would choose the other girl, but then I realized that he in a way (even if he doesn't agree) he'd already chosen her. Not because of the ultimatum I gave him, but he chose her when he didn't focus on rebuilding a new relationship with me but instead wanting to get to know her more. I used to get sick by the thought of them being together. But all that is gone now. I'm sure I would feel depressed if I were to see them together right now, but it wouldn't affect me as much as it would've had in the past. It feels great to be in charge of your emotions, and not afraid to let go...

 

I think that when someone leaves you or might leave you, the normal reaction is to draw closer to them. It seems like it would make sense, but it doesn't work. You have to flip the tables. In the end, do what is right for you. That is the biggest lesson I have learned.

[Mariposa10]

I think that when someone leaves you or might leave you, the normal reaction is to draw closer to them. It seems like it would make sense, but it doesn't work. You have to flip the tables. In the end, do what is right for you. That is the biggest lesson I have learned.

 

I'm done blaming myself for all the stupid things I did, I think that in the months we still kept contacting one another pretty much every day I was able to show him I really wanted to be with him and that I would pretty much do whatever it would take to get him back. He already knows that, my work is done. We have known each other for 5 years, at some point we broke up and remained friends for a year, he asked me for another chance and I said yes, pretty much instantly. I feel like now it's my time to start living my life again, and not be guarding my phone all the time and feeling like crap thinking they are together. I think I got to this point because of all the people who kept telling me I was in a fog, and now that I look back I was. I've also learned that my situation is not unique at all, just like I used to think it was.

[LinkWorshiper]

I'm done blaming myself for all the stupid things I did, I think that in the months we still kept contacting one another pretty much every day I was able to show him I really wanted to be with him and that I would pretty much do whatever it would take to get him back. He already knows that, my work is done. We have known each other for 5 years, at some point we broke up and remained friends for a year, he asked me for another chance and I said yes, pretty much instantly. I feel like now it's my time to start living my life again, and not be guarding my phone all the time and feeling like crap thinking they are together. I think I got to this point because of all the people who kept telling me I was in a fog, and now that I look back I was. I've also learned that my situation is not unique at all, just like I used to think it was.

 

SUPER LOL.

 

Can we talk a minute about how a CERTAIN SOMEONE has been blowing up my phone all night? And also Facebook? And more Tumblr stalking?

 

I made a point to be very aloof, brief in my answers... He came at me like, 'I love your artwork' to grab my attention, and now he's just texted 'Never doubt that I do miss you....' (The simultaneous FB message I didn't respond to was an answer to my 'You don't understand' message of a few nights ago; he said, 'I don't... but I want to....') I haven't answered yet. I don't want to feed anymore nonsense. I don't know if I'm ready to hear him repeat the same crap he was saying when I drew the line in the first place.

[Simon Phoenix]

I would just not answer at all. There's really no good answer which helps you.

[LinkWorshiper]

I would just not answer at all. There's really no good answer which helps you.

 

He's said that I should never doubt how much he misses me. That's great, but he created that situation in the first place, frankly, so until he wants to do something about it, it's just words, words, words. My answers to him have been no more than three words and after long periods of time. And be proud: if I can't think of anything to say, unlike before, I just don't say anything. I woke up to a text that said there was so much left unsaid and it was hard to know what to say all the time. Well, DUH.