He's Turning It Around...?

[Acacia98]

Well, it's great that he's texting me compliments and telling me that I should never doubt how much he misses me. That's awesome. But if he misses me so damn much, he should stop creating all this separation between us. It is not enough to just call ourselves friends and then behave just as we did when we were a couple because that WILL change should he ever become serious about this other girl or, heaven forbid, I meet someone else. If he likes what we have so much and misses me so much, he should DO something about it. Like, I don't know, talk about reconciling. We broke up once for like a month about a year ago and I'm pretty sure all of this is happening because we rushed things, so on the one hand, I am okay with him taking his time to understand this. I think I just get stressed out because this other girl is kind of an X factor. Having said that, in my gut, I do think things will work out based on the facts as they are now. The waiting and the not knowing is the hard part.

 

LinkWorshiper, I noticed you mentioned somewhere that when you and the guy resumed communication, things felt like they initially did when he was first courting you. I wanna say that if the situation you've described here is what your initial courtship felt like, then maybe you need to reconsider this whole relationship 100%. Perhaps it was never that great to begin with?

 

Personally, I learned from my relationship experiences that the one thing that absolutely had to be present for a relationship to stand a chance was frank and open communication. If I could not talk openly with the guy I was seeing for fear of making him freak out/ panic/ wtva, then that relationship was not going to work. It's proven to be a good policy. The relationships I've been in that have worked have been relationships where I could talk to the guy about whatever was worrying me about our relationship. The fact that you've decided not to ask him about this other woman he's seeing, and the fact that the dude has not himself initiated a conversation to clear the air about that particular issue tells me you are wasting time with him. If you can't communicate frankly with him, then what the heck are you doing reading his messages? And if he doesn't want to talk about her/ your relationship, then why is he wasting your time with phone calls and text messages and communication on social media? It's easy to pour your heart out in an emotional letter. It's much much harder to actually change your behavior to treat someone better if you know you have power over that person.

 

I honestly think you've set the bar too low. It's like, for you, the fact that he's talking about thinking about changing his behavior is enough proof that he loves you. Honestly, it's not. If he really wanted you to be in his life AND happy, he would be doing more than talking about thinking. He would actually be taking concrete actions. He sure as heck would be open to communicating honestly about stuff that mattered to you, even if it made him uncomfortable.

 

Another thing: missing you is not necessarily proof that he loves you enough to want to meet you halfway. Missing you could simply be about his ego. It is a blow to the ego when somebody who previously adored you and worshiped the ground you walked on stops talking to you. All this stalking online and calling after you went NC may simply be about his regaining that status of 'god' in your life. He wants you to adore him and be vulnerable to him and to need him again. The proof of that: He "acts like you're a couple" when you're together but doesn't actually want to communicate about what you are to each other. Excuse the French, but that's BS on his part. It's the sort of thing I'd expect from a flaky teenage boy who wants to have his cake and eat it.

 

At the end of the day, let's talk big picture here: In this particular scenario, I don't think the problem really lies with him. He is who he is, and he has shown that to you very clearly through his actions. Maybe in his own misguided way he thinks that this is love. And if that's the case, guess what? It doesn't really matter. It doesn't matter because you're not happy with it. And you do have a right to be happy (you actually have to believe that, it's not enough for us to tell you). This so-called love he's showering you with is not leaving you feeling secure and loved. It's making you feel anxious, insecure, unsure of yourself, to the degree that you have to seek the moral support of strangers in multiple threads. Seems to me that, as long as you're sitting there waiting to hear from him, you're not taking much responsibility for your situation. And yet that's the only thing you really can do.

 

Figure out what YOU want out of a relationship, and then start living by those standards:

1. Do you want frank communication today? If yes, tell him as much. And if he can't give that to you, it's time to cut those ties.

2. Do you want monogamy? If yes, then what are you doing with a man who's seeing somebody else? (And yes, he is seeing her. And Facebook pictures or not, it is "serious." Don't kid yourself. If it really wasn't "serious," he would be so eager to please you that he would have stopped seeing her and told you even before you asked. What he's doing is having his cake and eating it. By avoiding communication on the issue, he can always claim he never actually lied to you.)

[lylat333]

Wow, starting to get a nice range of opinions.

Do you want frank communication today? If yes, tell him as much. And if he can't give that to you, it's time to cut those ties.

LW's been wondering if she should go the NC path or frank communication, and I think that's a good question. Here you advocate the frank approach, Acacia, whereas Simon says, "go NC and evolve".

 

On this board I sometimes feel like NC is the only acceptable answer. But in this case, if I were LW I probably would have gone for the frank approach by now just because of my own experiences. imo you have to really sit down, give each other undivided attention, complete honesty, and come to a real decision, which is difficult. I always put off confrontation w/ my ex, and even when we did talk nothing really got accomplished... now I wish we would have really known what we were doing instead of staying in limbo. Confront him on saying things like, "you don't know how much I miss you", etc. and what he really means. I know you're also not supposed to give ultimatums, but you and he needs to know LW that if he doesn't know what he wants, you're gone... otherwise this is going to hold you both back indefinitely and that's not right. I think he's had enough time.

Edited September 18, 2013 by lylat333

[BC1980]

I wouldn't even ask you where he stands with you because his actions make it obvious. I honestly think you need to concentrate on just doing your own thing and finding a nice guy who doesn't cause so much stress. Because all of this analyzing is not worth it. I've been down this road, and I have vowed never to do it again. Nobody is worth your sanity. I don't care who they are.

 

By the way, his actions say he is a cake eater just like my ex. I think these are the worst exes to have.

[LinkWorshiper]

Wow, starting to get a nice range of opinions.

 

LW's been wondering if she should go the NC path or frank communication, and I think that's a good question. Here you advocate the frank approach, Acacia, whereas Simon says, "go NC and evolve".

 

On this board I sometimes feel like NC is the only acceptable answer. But in this case, if I were LW I probably would have gone for the frank approach by now just because of my own experiences. imo you have to really sit down, give each other undivided attention, complete honesty, and come to a real decision, which is difficult. I always put off confrontation w/ my ex, and even when we did talk nothing really got accomplished... now I wish we would have really known what we were doing instead of staying in limbo. Confront him on saying things like, "you don't know how much I miss you", etc. and what he really means. I know you're also not supposed to give ultimatums, but you and he needs to know LW that if he doesn't know what he wants, you're gone... otherwise this is going to hold you both back indefinitely and that's not right. I think he's had enough time.

 

I appreciate all the opinions you guys went and posted just now. It's given me a lot to think about. I am trying to stay NC until I at least figure out what I want to do, and that might be to just stay NC indefinitely or it might be to actually speak up and let him know in black and white what's going on... I'm not sure yet. I tried laying it out for him before and he was very quick to try and reaffirm himself to me, and he was even quicker this time, except this time I didn't bite. I think that what you said, Lylat, makes the most sense to me though.

 

As for the person who mentioned about how the way he was treating me felt like when we were courting, what I meant was that he was inviting me out places, going out of his way to check up on me, interact with me, be interested in what I was interested in, stuff like that. If anything, we are communicating MORE than we ever have before. It just seems like he has been making a LOT of effort to keep me around if he didn't care. He keeps talking about how much he wants me in his life.

 

Anyway, I think you guys also aren't reading the fact that I CUT OFF COMMUNICATION WITH HIM LIKE A WEEK AGO WHEN HE STARTED BEING WISHYWASHY. AGAIN. That doesn't mean I still don't want things to change. But it also doesn't mean that I have to keep, as someone else said, banging my head into a wall.

[Simon Phoenix]

Wow, starting to get a nice range of opinions.

 

LW's been wondering if she should go the NC path or frank communication, and I think that's a good question. Here you advocate the frank approach, Acacia, whereas Simon says, "go NC and evolve".

 

On this board I sometimes feel like NC is the only acceptable answer. But in this case, if I were LW I probably would have gone for the frank approach by now just because of my own experiences. imo you have to really sit down, give each other undivided attention, complete honesty, and come to a real decision, which is difficult. I always put off confrontation w/ my ex, and even when we did talk nothing really got accomplished... now I wish we would have really known what we were doing instead of staying in limbo. Confront him on saying things like, "you don't know how much I miss you", etc. and what he really means. I know you're also not supposed to give ultimatums, but you and he needs to know LW that if he doesn't know what he wants, you're gone... otherwise this is going to hold you both back indefinitely and that's not right. I think he's had enough time.

 

People advocate NC because it virtually is the best thing to do in 99 percent of situations. I know you hate it and I know you think i'm a big meanie, but unfortunately, most relationship breakups fit into the same category.

 

Anyway, here's the problem with that frank approach.

 

1) I'm guessing she's already did it when the relationship ended.

 

2) And the most important -- she's not going to get a frank answer. He's shown that he doesn't want to do that -- he wants to have LW in his back pocket. She's going to come at him frankly, he's going to give open-ended, non-commital answers, she's going to overanalyze them and keep the cycle going.

 

LW doesn't have the ability to talk to this guy, stand up to him and not get sucked into the vortex of limbo. Just read her posts. She's not at that stage. I advocate NC because I just don't think she's capable of having this talk and being able to wade through the BS. That's not a knock on her -- she's just too far in and can't tell what's real and what's not. She needs to clear her mind of this guy as much as possible before she'll be able to a) have this conversation and b) have the ability to either enforce what she wants or cut bait.

[Simon Phoenix]

And LW, because he says he wants you in his life does not necessarily mean he wants to have a romantic relationship with you. And I'm glad you've taken a week -- you need to take many more weeks, get to the point where not every thought about him requires a novel to express. I noticed in my own situation which got me here, in writing about it, talking about it with others, thinking about it -- that the further away I got from it and the more "healed" I became, the shorter my writings and thoughts and conversations about my ex were. I became more concise, started ignoring/casting aside details, and just more direct about where I was in relationship to her and where I wanted to be. I think if you give NC a real shot (don't put a certain time limit on it, keep it until you feel comfortable no matter what) you'll get there. And who knows, maybe you showing that strength will get your ex to actually make a real effort to be with you. And hopefully by that time, you won't automatically just say "yes" -- you'll be at the stage where you use rationality and logic and have him wondering "what if" and rehashing and overanalyzing the way you are now

[LinkWorshiper]

And LW, because he says he wants you in his life does not necessarily mean he wants to have a romantic relationship with you. And I'm glad you've taken a week -- you need to take many more weeks, get to the point where not every thought about him requires a novel to express. I noticed in my own situation which got me here, in writing about it, talking about it with others, thinking about it -- that the further away I got from it and the more "healed" I became, the shorter my writings and thoughts and conversations about my ex were. I became more concise, started ignoring/casting aside details, and just more direct about where I was in relationship to her and where I wanted to be. I think if you give NC a real shot (don't put a certain time limit on it, keep it until you feel comfortable no matter what) you'll get there. And who knows, maybe you showing that strength will get your ex to actually make a real effort to be with you. And hopefully by that time, you won't automatically just say "yes" -- you'll be at the stage where you use rationality and logic and have him wondering "what if" and rehashing and overanalyzing the way you are now

 

No, you're right about this. Again, I won't say I haven't lost hope that it will work out, but I am also at a stage where I'm done with getting the run around. It's exhausting. If he wants to be with me, it's because he's realized I'm a person of value who is worth working for. My mistake has been trying too hard to accommodate all his issues while treating mine as though they weren't just as important, or things that I could work on behind the scenes. I do know that the last time we had tension in our relationship, it took me putting my foot down in a similar way and letting him know that I wasn't going to just hang on indefinitely for him to figure his $hit out. Within two weeks he had realized that he had made a mistake and was working to reconcile.

 

You will be proud that this time, when I began the NC, I didn't give him a frank speech as to why I wanted it like the last time I asked for NC. This time, he said something I wasn't okay with, and I just tapered off. He started getting desperate and needy, but I just stopped biting after a while. I wanted to make it clear that saying nice things to me wasn't enough to placate me anymore. He said he wanted to talk things out, and I told him I'd think about it after two hours of ignoring him. Then I told him a few days later that I thought he'd be able to figure out how to be happy if he'd stop being a coward and actually try. Then I went off the grid. I want action. ACTION, I say.

 

What I am frustrated by, and just hear me out on this... is that when we were spending time together in the past few weeks, it was actually very positive and constructive and good. It was the kind of balanced interaction that you'd want to strive for as a couple. I am just hoping that he realizes that what he was sharing with me IS what you'd want in a committed relationship. But it's far too much to ask of someone who is just your "friend". I think that is the notion that I really want him to grasp, and if he doesn't, then he will have a pretty hard time finding companionship in life. Unless, of course, he's okay with revolving door girlfriends.

[Mariposa10]

No matter what people say, if you're not ready to go NC, you won't be able to do it. What I advise you to do is to be open to the possibility of him not wanting a relationship with you anymore. You need to start understanding this, when you are able to fully get this you'll regain some power. I feel like these exes can almost sense when they still have power over us. My ex and your ex already set eyes on somebody else, it doesn't matter if it's serious or not... You guys are not emotionally synched anymore.

Go NC when you are ready, that might take a couple of months, I don't know. But please start contemplating the idea of you two not getting back together. You sound like a very cool person, and someone who can be an AMAZING girlfriend, you deserve an amazing boyfriend!! It's possible that you guys can get back together in the future, but it's also possible that that won't happen, we have to be ready for that and understand it.

[BC1980]

And LW, because he says he wants you in his life does not necessarily mean he wants to have a romantic relationship with you. And I'm glad you've taken a week -- you need to take many more weeks, get to the point where not every thought about him requires a novel to express. I noticed in my own situation which got me here, in writing about it, talking about it with others, thinking about it -- that the further away I got from it and the more "healed" I became, the shorter my writings and thoughts and conversations about my ex were. I became more concise, started ignoring/casting aside details, and just more direct about where I was in relationship to her and where I wanted to be. I think if you give NC a real shot (don't put a certain time limit on it, keep it until you feel comfortable no matter what) you'll get there. And who knows, maybe you showing that strength will get your ex to actually make a real effort to be with you. And hopefully by that time, you won't automatically just say "yes" -- you'll be at the stage where you use rationality and logic and have him wondering "what if" and rehashing and overanalyzing the way you are now

 

I think this is spot on advice. I had to do NC for the same reason. I was not in a place where I could even begin to rationally think about my ex. I was expending so much mental energy on him that it just drained me. I did leave the door open for reconciliation with him, but he knows not to contact me. He has agreed to this, and I know he will respect and honor it. I honestly don't know if I will contact him again. Right now, I'm not eager to sign up for a second round of him being indecisive.

 

Many things have become very clear to me since initiating NC. It's really amazing what some distance can do. I am just getting to a place where I wouldn't take him back immediately if he expressed interest in a reconciliation. That is a big step that dumpees need to get to. Bottom line is that if he is causing this much stress, it's not worth it.

[LinkWorshiper]

No matter what people say, if you're not ready to go NC, you won't be able to do it. What I advise you to do is to be open to the possibility of him not wanting a relationship with you anymore. You need to start understanding this, when you are able to fully get this you'll regain some power. I feel like these exes can almost sense when they still have power over us. My ex and your ex already set eyes on somebody else, it doesn't matter if it's serious or not... You guys are not emotionally synched anymore.

Go NC when you are ready, that might take a couple of months, I don't know. But please start contemplating the idea of you two not getting back together. You sound like a very cool person, and someone who can be an AMAZING girlfriend, you deserve an amazing boyfriend!! It's possible that you guys can get back together in the future, but it's also possible that that won't happen, we have to be ready for that and understand it.

 

I know it's possible it won't work out, but if it doesn't, it's not because of anything I did. I DO think I am still synced with him emotionally, especially considering our interactions up until last week, but he needs to see that such a bond isn't a given, it's something that is earned. I know I was an awesome girlfriend when we were together, and I know he knows this. It's time for him to understand that he doesn't get good things on his schedule. I've already been NC a week, and though I want to hear from him, I don't have a burning urge to contact him. Not yet, anyway. If I do, it will be my last stand and then KANYE SHRUG.

[BC1980]

What I am frustrated by, and just hear me out on this... is that when we were spending time together in the past few weeks, it was actually very positive and constructive and good. It was the kind of balanced interaction that you'd want to strive for as a couple. I am just hoping that he realizes that what he was sharing with me IS what you'd want in a committed relationship. But it's far too much to ask of someone who is just your "friend". I think that is the notion that I really want him to grasp, and if he doesn't, then he will have a pretty hard time finding companionship in life. Unless, of course, he's okay with revolving door girlfriends.

 

Here is what is hard to grasp sometimes. If you are getting a second chance, it's like starting with a new relationship timetable. It had only been a few weeks, so you can't expect him to want to be exclusive. My ex and I dated for 2 months before he asked me to be his girlfriend. But if I tried a second chance with him now, it would be hard for me to understand the need to wait that long. See what I mean?

 

Now, some people can maintain their sanity and go with the flow. I could not do that myself at this point. If you are really going to give something a fair second shot, you have to go in like you would if you had never met him before. No expectations at first and take things slow. You have to be willing to wait, and it's damn hard to do that with a person you have dated before. That's why it seems like most successful second chances are after a sizable period of NC where both exes got over one another.

[LinkWorshiper]

I think this is spot on advice. I had to do NC for the same reason. I was not in a place where I could even begin to rationally think about my ex. I was expending so much mental energy on him that it just drained me. I did leave the door open for reconciliation with him, but he knows not to contact me. He has agreed to this, and I know he will respect and honor it. I honestly don't know if I will contact him again. Right now, I'm not eager to sign up for a second round of him being indecisive.

 

Many things have become very clear to me since initiating NC. It's really amazing what some distance can do. I am just getting to a place where I wouldn't take him back immediately if he expressed interest in a reconciliation. That is a big step that dumpees need to get to. Bottom line is that if he is causing this much stress, it's not worth it.

 

This is kind of where I am, I think. It's not that I don't want to reconcile, but for the first time, I'm making my needs just as important as his whether we reconcile or not. And I hope in the end, he actually comes to respect me more for that and, as I've mentioned before, remembers that I am a person of value he had to fight to have in the first place. I know I was an awesome girlfriend, but he needs to know he doesn't get that level of awesome just because we were once together and I still consider him important to me.

 

Unlike the first time I asked for NC, which I guess I wasn't really ready to do anyway, I didn't lay it out on the table for him and explain why I needed space. This time, I just felt like this was the time where retreat was the better part of valor, and I just tapered off with him. So there was nothing for him to agree to. I DID leave my last message with him as a sort of challenge to step up to the plate, but we'll see. He panicked an awful lot when he noticed my communication patterns changing, noticed my delayed answers and non-replies. Hopefully the idea that I am an easy option is being erased. If he wants me in his life so bad, I would like to see him actually work for it and recognize the value in what we share as people. Right now, I'm just focusing on myself and reminding myself that I'm important too.

[Minneloa]

LW,

 

I know you have been stubbornly resistant to what you perceive as "cookie cutter" advice, but I hope you can see that I and other posters here are not trying to win you over to our zombie cult of NC. Rather, we've either been in similar shoes or seen it many times secondhand--second chances are tricky business & the path to them strewn with pitfalls. You say you can see your situation clearly, but that's not necessarily true, given your strong emotional investment. I'm not saying we're definitely right either, but we do have a formidable collective wisdom.

 

Simply put, we are rooting for you. We are not anti-reconciliation. We are pro-you.

 

M.

[lylat333]

People advocate NC because it virtually is the best thing to do in 99 percent of situations. I know you hate it and I know you think i'm a big meanie, but unfortunately, most relationship breakups fit into the same category.

Haha, I don't hate NC. I would recommend it for the vast majority of cases too and all in all I think I have done a pretty good job sticking to my own. I know it's the right thing to do for me.

 

I've been the first to admit I'm reluctant to give advice to LW, because I don't know her situation as well as others (I'm continuing to learn more) but I feel like I see some similarities between her guy and some of the behavior I used to do, and that's what I'm basing some of my input on. But I never thought of myself as a cake eater at all... I hope that's not who I was. I never pursued or flirted with other women while my ex and I were in limbo but after finally breaking up I did regret not committing to her.

 

LW I'm glad you're putting more of the priority on yourself, valuing your needs and raising your expectations, etc. I would suggest thinking less about monitoring his online activity and checking your tumblr, I understand why you would do it and try to use it as a tool but it's a violation of what NC is all about. Looking back I couldn't heal when my actions were motivated by how my ex would be affected by it. I wish you the very best, I appreciate all your input in my thread and I will try not to offer more input to you unless I feel confident about it.

[BC1980]

I've been the first to admit I'm reluctant to give advice to LW, because I don't know her situation as well as others (I'm continuing to learn more) but I feel like I see some similarities between her guy and some of the behavior I used to do, and that's what I'm basing some of my input on. But I never thought of myself as a cake eater at all... I hope that's not who I was. I never pursued or flirted with other women while my ex and I were in limbo but after finally breaking up I did regret not committing to her.

 

Most people don't see it as being a cake eater, so I don't think my ex did it from a bad place. He wasn't intentionally trying to take advantage. I'm sure you weren't either. Of course, the end result is the same no matter the motivation, and my ex needed to be sent a very clear message that I was no longer interested in what was good for him or us. Because there wasn't an us. I was only interested in what was good for me, and if that means we never reconcile, so be it.

 

What has helped me the most is that I was finally able to see that NC is for me and not to get him back. I think a possible added benefit is that sometimes people reconcile, but that cannot be the reason. You will fall for every breadcrumb if you are doing it to get them back.

[Mariposa10]

I'm happy reading that you've thought of the idea of not getting a second chance. Like I mentioned earlier, during my relationship with my ex, we broke up for a year but stayed friends, since we don't live in the same town we never hung out, we did keep in touch talking and texting. So I'm not saying you are not gonna get a second chance, but this is a long draining ride which you might think it's worth it, but keep in mind that you shouldn't be suffering all the time.

 

Good luck!

[thora-tiki]

@ LinkWorshiper

 

BC1980 wrote:

If you are really going to give something a fair second shot, you have to go in like you would if you had never met him before.

 

No expectations at first and take things slow.

You have to be willing to wait, and it's damn hard to do that with a person you have dated before.

 

That's why it seems like most successful second chances are after a sizable period of NC where both exes got over one another.

 

+

 

What has helped me the most is that I was finally able to see that NC is for me and not to get him back.

-- Yes, this is so true. Love these post!

 

LinkWorshiper wrote:

I know it's possible it won't work out, but if it doesn't,

it's not because of anything I did.

 

-- This is not true.

 

It is actually by doing nothing i.e. going no contact,

you'll get the results you want.

 

By trying to stay in his life, I know you are now doing no contact,

but just weeks ago you were in limited contact with your ex,

and let me tell you, bad idea.

 

Shift your focus and say to yourself that all the pain you're feeling right now is part of no contact,

it is part of the deal.

(first step is starting no contact or do what I did, sending a no contact message*).

I know, in school/life/etc. we get told: Hard work is the way to go.

But not here.

 

No contact seems to be hard in the beginning because it is counter-intuitive.

 

We feel like we have to go fight and run and argue our way back into our loved ones heart,

but quite the opposite is true.

 

You're not doing nothing, you very much are doing something by utilising no contact.

 

You ask for advice, I can only tell you to do no contact,

before you reconnect.

 

You know me, I am all for reconnecting with the ex,

I even have a thread that is called how to reconnect with the ex.

 

But, in order to do that, what BC1980 is saying have to have happened.

And it can only happen after many months of no contact.

And you have to be ready.

Your ex is in no state, at the moment, to be LC with you, neither are you -

just read your own posts up until now, and you'll see what I am talking about.

 

I mean, do you really think he'll change from cold, indecisive, hemming and hawing,

unsure of what you mean to him, what he wants, letting go of the past...

(clue: I remember him writing you: have I told you I am sorry for the way I treated you,

or something like that.

 

This is nice to hear, but: It also shows you he is still living in the past, the same past where the break

up will happen, and if you reconnect now, he WILL drag you down there with him, and you will be broken up again.)


 

He will not change to warm, loving boyfriend in a few weeks/months,

just because you are around.

You have reached out many times,

if he is interested he will come after you now.

 

If he has any feelings for you they will force him to reach out when you do not, right?

You plant a seed with no contact, now you will see if it grows.

 

In the mean time don't worry about it, and just continue to live your life...

keep evolving, that's all you can do.

 

You are probably afraid that no contact will push him away -

this is not true.

 

I know it is not easy to accept -

but it is not no contact what will let him move on.

 

He can do it as well if you are there for him constantly/LC.

 

However in this case it will hurt more because you will not have had any chance to get yourself collected.

 

You also say you want to start over with him/reconnect at some point.

 

In order to do that, starting over,

you must let go of the past failed relationship.

You are not here to forget your ex,

just the old failed relationship you had with him.

 

You must have patience, and «wait» enough time for the old failed relationship to die.


Otherwise you will only pick up right where you left off before the break up, and find yourself broken up again.

Think of yourself as an athlete, you need to warm up before the triathlon, so you warm up.

No contact is the warm up.

The triathlon is the reconnecting phase.

 

* This is the message I used,

«Hi. I agree with your decision to break up. I really believe it was the best thing for the both of us.

I have some big decisions to make and I need some time to think them over.

I would really appreciate it if you didn't contact me at this time.

I'll be in touch when I am ready»

[Acacia98]

Thanks for your response, lylat.

 

I appreciate all the opinions you guys went and posted just now. It's given me a lot to think about. I am trying to stay NC until I at least figure out what I want to do, and that might be to just stay NC indefinitely or it might be to actually speak up and let him know in black and white what's going on... I'm not sure yet. I tried laying it out for him before and he was very quick to try and reaffirm himself to me, and he was even quicker this time, except this time I didn't bite. I think that what you said, Lylat, makes the most sense to me though.

 

NC is definitely the best way to go if you can sustain it for an extended period of time or for good. My advice would be relevant if, for some reason, you decided to break NC and believed that there was something worth salvaging in this relationship. Sorry to be a wet blanket, but I think you deserve to be with somebody who actually wants the same type of relationship you want. My post is a way of affirming to you that there is nothing wrong with wanting the things you want out of a relationship or, for that matter, voicing these desires. You sounded way too accommodative of his feelings in your rationalization of your earlier actions and that really bugged me. Anyone who genuinely loves you and wants to be with you will welcome frank communication with you.

[Mariposa10]

This is what pisses me off, I understand that for some people it can be mentally draining to talk about your old relationship, but there must be a time where you can ask your ex what's going on!!!

[BC1980]

This is what pisses me off, I understand that for some people it can be mentally draining to talk about your old relationship, but there must be a time where you can ask your ex what's going on!!!

 

I agree that you should be able to have a frank talk when the time is right, but many times, it's obvious from people's actions what they want. Most of the time, if you are having to ask someone where you stand with them, it is from a place of fear. I don't want to have to go there with someone again because I've had they talk before with men. Seems it never ends well and makes you felt foolish and weak.

 

I also think you can word things in a certain way to help you maintain control and not come off as desperate. Like saying what you want for yourself as opposed to US. Just saying it's okay if you don't see longterm, but I really want a committed relationship. So you have enough self respect to walk after that if need be. I think the biggest mistakes have been ignoring red flags that people were not interested in long term or like with my current ex, justifying and forgiving his indecision when I was dissatisfied with things. It should never have come to what happened had I had enough self respect to walk away sooner.

[Simon Phoenix]

This is what pisses me off, I understand that for some people it can be mentally draining to talk about your old relationship, but there must be a time where you can ask your ex what's going on!!!

 

Honestly, if you get to the point where you have to ask such things, the odds of you getting a satisfactory answer are slim and none. This is exactly why I think LC is for the birds post-breakup -- there's nothing good that comes from having a frank conversation like that and if you truly need to have that conversation, you are knee-deep in turmoil and the contact is doing you harm.

[BC1980]

Honestly, if you get to the point where you have to ask such things, the odds of you getting a satisfactory answer are slim and none. This is exactly why I think LC is for the birds post-breakup -- there's nothing good that comes from having a frank conversation like that and if you truly need to have that conversation, you are knee-deep in turmoil and the contact is doing you harm.

 

This is so true. It took me far too long to understand this concept. Who wants to have "the talk" with someone? Really? It makes you feel weak, stupid, pathetic, ect. I feel that it shouldn't come to that because if someone is not giving you what you want, get out of the relationship. Be honest with yourself. You've already lost if you are to the point of handing out ultimatums and having the serious talk with someone.

 

That's why I can only look back and blame myself for staying so long with someone who was clearly indecisive and was telling me in a thousand ways. I just didn't want to listen. So I ended up getting dumped when I should have walked away long before it even came to that.

[Mariposa10]

Yesterday I talked to my ex, we talked a little bit of everything. I still got the "I love you so much, but..." "I want us to be friends forever crap." I asked him if he still kept in touch with the other girl and he said "he had to." So this morning, I asked him to please treat me as a friend in general not just when we are in public. In other words, I'm setting some boundaries. I also asked him to stop using endearment words with me. I also told him that we won't be able to be friends forever which is what he wants.

[Mariposa10]

This is so true. It took me far too long to understand this concept. Who wants to have "the talk" with someone? Really? It makes you feel weak, stupid, pathetic, ect. I feel that it shouldn't come to that because if someone is not giving you what you want, get out of the relationship. Be honest with yourself. You've already lost if you are to the point of handing out ultimatums and having the serious talk with someone.

 

That's why I can only look back and blame myself for staying so long with someone who was clearly indecisive and was telling me in a thousand ways. I just didn't want to listen. So I ended up getting dumped when I should have walked away long before it even came to that.

 

 

Yeah, but this is how we learn, by making mistakes... So don't blame yourself.

[Mariposa10]

Honestly, if you get to the point where you have to ask such things, the odds of you getting a satisfactory answer are slim and none. This is exactly why I think LC is for the birds post-breakup -- there's nothing good that comes from having a frank conversation like that and if you truly need to have that conversation, you are knee-deep in turmoil and the contact is doing you harm.

 

Yes, I agree with the "it's doing your harm" part, but this is my transition to NC. Call me weak, but I can't go from talking a person every single day for 5 years to not talking to that person anymore.

 

I'm getting really pissed off, is this part of the process? Will I get needy again after this? Or is this the final stage?? I'm getting really really pissed off. Anybody knows?