He's Turning It Around...?

[LinkWorshiper]

@ LinkWorshiper

 

BC1980 wrote:

If you are really going to give something a fair second shot, you have to go in like you would if you had never met him before.

 

No expectations at first and take things slow.

You have to be willing to wait, and it's damn hard to do that with a person you have dated before.

 

That's why it seems like most successful second chances are after a

 

Wow! I go NC on this board and look at all the great response I get, hahahaha! No, seriously, you guys have said some really good stuff in the past few days! I'm gonna try and touch on my responses to it all. But thank you so much! Wow again!

 

But this one post that outlines all the benefits to this process is the most helpful and I know I'll be rereading it a lot. I know my ex and I have been on a real up and down track since we broke up, but this most recent NC is the first time I really felt like it's what I HAD to do. I know maybe it would have expedited things to have done it sooner, but I wasn't feeling it. I still feel it was okay to do what I felt was right, but I do also understand why NC is the best way to repair things both individually and as a potential pair.

 

I do really think my ex has made steps in improving himself. I am also aware that he still has a long way to go. Even though I am an emotional person, I still have enough self-awareness to know how to keep improving myself even if I know I have a ways to go. I guess it's also helpful to me to think that it's also helpful to my ex to withhold my empathy/sympathy. If he feels bad, that's not really the worst thing. I just was so worried about making him feel bad without thinking MAYBE HE SHOULD FEEL A LITTLE BAD. Every time I reach out, he is more than happy to have me around, and I wouldn't call our interactions LC at all. And even most recently, it seriously felt like on the level of someone trying to court someone else.

 

I never thought about what you said about him being a little in the past when it comes to our relationship. I guess because I'm so focused on moving forward it's hard to think like that, but it makes sense. I was happy he wanted to apologize and talk so emotionally and honestly with me, and I was actually a little bummed I went NC before he actually did apologize, but maybe it's just as well. Maybe it's better he sees I'm not okay with just nice words without action to back it up. Or maybe it made it clear to him he's still doing some of the same stuff. Anyway, it's important he has time for it to sink in. I tried explaining this to him the first time I asked for NC and he wrote the giant letter. This time, I don't feel like I need to explain myself. I think he knows it to, especially considering he was very worried and desperate when I started to pull back. I think he KNOWS the good in our relationship but just now needs to appreciate he doesn't just get that because he knows me. Yet at the same time, I feel like he values that communication just as much as I do. Arghhhh.

 

And before you guys say it, don't worry, I've really been trying to make time for me. I've given myself a list of things to try and get through every day, which includes one finished drawing, a 1-2 hour bike ride and homecooked dinner. Even better with a friend if I can. I'm also focusing really hard on therapy so that when I DO reconnect with him, I will have better skills for dealing with him (and other difficult people I have to deal with in my life). I feel better that this is good and can work out, but it's not only about me straightening myself out. I know we had a good thing despite how stupid he's been post-breakup, and I am confident it can be better once we improve ourselves. I know we are compatible and have similar interests and values and the whole nine yards.

 

Anyway, the summary version is that it will only look good for him to see that yes, I was kind and understanding, but I can also stand up and take a big step back when I have to.

[LinkWorshiper]

Yes, I agree with the "it's doing your harm" part, but this is my transition to NC. Call me weak, but I can't go from talking a person every single day for 5 years to not talking to that person anymore.

 

I'm getting really pissed off, is this part of the process? Will I get needy again after this? Or is this the final stage?? I'm getting really really pissed off. Anybody knows?

 

Listen, it took me a while to realize it, but there's a moment where you realize that it's what's best. Do I miss not talking to my ex every day like we had been for the past three weeks? You better believe it. I also don't think it's wrong to be angry a bit because it shows you have feelings about what you want too. I guess the word for the emotion I have towards my ex is still "frustration" and maybe now a bit of "annoyance" too. But that just shows you recognize that they have to meet you halfway. There was a post in this thread that definitely outlines some really good thoughts about NC and I would totally read it as many times as you need to.

[Simon Phoenix]

Yes, I agree with the "it's doing your harm" part, but this is my transition to NC. Call me weak, but I can't go from talking a person every single day for 5 years to not talking to that person anymore.

 

I'm getting really pissed off, is this part of the process? Will I get needy again after this? Or is this the final stage?? I'm getting really really pissed off. Anybody knows?

 

Anger is definitely a normal stage.

[Simon Phoenix]

Wow! I go NC on this board and look at all the great response I get, hahahaha! No, seriously, you guys have said some really good stuff in the past few days! I'm gonna try and touch on my responses to it all. But thank you so much! Wow again!

 

I think people are giving you more because they felt like you were actually listening to what they had to say instead of putting up a wall and being stubborn, which is at least how I felt you were dealing with things before. But I'm glad that you are getting some value out of things being posted and that we are helping you make an impact in your own life.

[LinkWorshiper]

I think people are giving you more because they felt like you were actually listening to what they had to say instead of putting up a wall and being stubborn, which is at least how I felt you were dealing with things before. But I'm glad that you are getting some value out of things being posted and that we are helping you make an impact in your own life.

 

I think some of you guys don't have the best delivery in the world. It's not very productive to tell someone to just do something because you know better. Good way to get people to not listen.

 

Regardless, I don't think I would have done anything different. I didn't pull away from my ex last week because I thought to myself, 'Oh hey, everyone on that forum said this is what I should do, so that's what I'll do.' I did it because it felt like the right thing to do to make any progress with him. I still don't feel good about it. I hate every second and I get sad and I want it to be fixed NOW. But I have realized I need to start looking at myself as someone who is unattainable and awesome and that means it's time to remind my ex of that.

[Simon Phoenix]

I think some of you guys don't have the best delivery in the world. It's not very productive to tell someone to just do something because you know better. Good way to get people to not listen.

 

Regardless, I don't think I would have done anything different. I didn't pull away from my ex last week because I thought to myself, 'Oh hey, everyone on that forum said this is what I should do, so that's what I'll do.' I did it because it felt like the right thing to do to make any progress with him. I still don't feel good about it. I hate every second and I get sad and I want it to be fixed NOW. But I have realized I need to start looking at myself as someone who is unattainable and awesome and that means it's time to remind my ex of that.

 

It's really a "chicken or the egg" situation. A lot of the harsh delivery you were getting was because a lot of people felt like writing it out in a detailed manner was a waste of time because they didn't feel like you would give that detail it's proper due, and you didn't listen to it because it wasn't written out in a more detailed manner therefore you didn't think it was worth your attention. But that seems to be over.

 

Back to your situation, pulling back is what's best for YOU. Whether or not it helps get him to where you want him to go is irrelevant. If it does, awesome, but going NC is you taking control of your life, be it with him or without him. There's a good to great chance that NC doesn't reunite the two of you. If that's how it ends up, NC it will get you to a point where a) you are way less invested in that outcome and b) you are more equipped to find someone else who is better suited for you. With what you were doing before, not only was the chance of success low, but it was keeping you sucked into a vortex of rehashing, second-guessing and self-doubt. You weren't getting your reconciliation and you weren't getting the necessary emotional resuscitation and evolution.

Edited September 20, 2013 by Simon Phoenix

[LinkWorshiper]

It's really a "chicken or the egg" situation. A lot of the harsh delivery you were getting was because a lot of people felt like writing it out in a detailed manner was a waste of time because they didn't feel like you would give that detail it's proper due, and you didn't listen to it because it wasn't written out in a more detailed manner therefore you didn't think it was worth your attention. But that seems to be over.

 

Maybe. That's a lot of assumptions about someone you don't know on the internet. Maybe it's just me, but if I don't see the reasoning in something someone I don't know is just telling me to do and trust them on it, I am going to be beyond skeptical. That is neither here nor there though... Again... I still feel like I wouldn't have done it differently.

 

Back to your situation, pulling back is what's best for YOU. Whether or not it helps get him to where you want him to go is irrelevant. If it does, awesome, but going NC is you taking control of your life, be it with him or without him. There's a good to great chance that NC doesn't reunite the two of you. If that's how it ends up, NC it will get you to a point where a) you are way less invested in that outcome and b) you are more equipped to find someone else who is better suited for you. With what you were doing before, not only was the chance of success low, but it was keeping you sucked into a vortex of rehashing, second-guessing and self-doubt. You weren't getting your reconciliation and you weren't getting the necessary emotional resuscitation and evolution.

 

I do definitely at least feel more in control of the situation. I still do also feel like things aren't totally dead, but if things are going to be fixed, this is the way. Someone else above made a pretty good summary of why it was better and what benefits there were for both of us and any potential relationship. The main thing I realize now is that me holding his hand wasn't letting him see what it was like without me, even if I wasn't around in the sense of a relationship. He was still getting what he liked about me without having to work for it. I just remember how hard he worked to win me in the first place, and I"m realizing there's no reason he shouldn't be doing that again. It seemed like he was making those efforts again, and the way he dropped the ball just made me realize I was encouraging him to stay indecisive.

[LinkWorshiper]

So I just wanted to update everybody and thank them again for their help. But anyway, long story short, my ex and I reconciled today. I had been freezing him out for the past two weeks since the exchange I mentioned earlier in this thread, but last night he ended up actually sending a text with substance, a huge apology for how he had been handling everything and that he was ready to be there for me and listen and help. Then he said he didn't want to continue the conversation in such an impersonal way (via text), so his next leap was to say he'd run to wherever I was if it meant being able to be near me. Then he asked if it would be okay if he bought bus tickets to my mom's city, where I am, five hours away from home. I said alright.

 

Today he came in and I picked him up. We walked around and had some very long talks about what we wanted to be for each other and more talking about improvements. He said he really wanted to understand how to help me heal and that he wanted to take things slow and see where we end up. But later, when we went back to my house to relax after our long walk, we ended up lying on one another and he asked how I felt. I told him I was comfortable and he said he was relaxed. Then he ended up kissing me very passionately, and I knew a certain threshold had been crossed. When we talked again, he said that he felt like I was meant to be in his life and that he loved me. I told him I felt the same.

 

We spent the rest of the day out at a bar to have some drinks and dinner before I brought him back to the train station. I think things are looking really good.

 

Anyway, just wanted to share

[Mariposa10]

So I just wanted to update everybody and thank them again for their help. But anyway, long story short, my ex and I reconciled today. I had been freezing him out for the past two weeks since the exchange I mentioned earlier in this thread, but last night he ended up actually sending a text with substance, a huge apology for how he had been handling everything and that he was ready to be there for me and listen and help. Then he said he didn't want to continue the conversation in such an impersonal way (via text), so his next leap was to say he'd run to wherever I was if it meant being able to be near me. Then he asked if it would be okay if he bought bus tickets to my mom's city, where I am, five hours away from home. I said alright.

 

Today he came in and I picked him up. We walked around and had some very long talks about what we wanted to be for each other and more talking about improvements. He said he really wanted to understand how to help me heal and that he wanted to take things slow and see where we end up. But later, when we went back to my house to relax after our long walk, we ended up lying on one another and he asked how I felt. I told him I was comfortable and he said he was relaxed. Then he ended up kissing me very passionately, and I knew a certain threshold had been crossed. When we talked again, he said that he felt like I was meant to be in his life and that he loved me. I told him I felt the same.

 

We spent the rest of the day out at a bar to have some drinks and dinner before I brought him back to the train station. I think things are looking really good.

 

Anyway, just wanted to share

 

Be careful, the last time I saw my ex we had so much fun... He kept asking me to kiss him etc. He was really sweet and nice. But if you saw my threat everything is over now. Take things slowly!!

 

Good luck, I truly hope everything works out for you

[Simon Phoenix]

It's a good sign that he bussed to see you, but be careful. Don't count chickens before they hatch.

Edited September 26, 2013 by Simon Phoenix

[BC1980]

Like everyone said, be cautious and take it slowly. Don't put out the vibe that he can have you back so easily. I'm happy for you though and hope it works out.

[thora-tiki]

Congratulations.

 

Just take it s-l-o-w.

 

Take your time. Don't rush this step (reconnecting).

Treat this second chance as a brand new relationship.

 

As in: Ask yourself: Would I do this (kiss, bring him home) if he was a guy I just met or only have had one or two dates with?

 

Take some time on this step, otherwise you'll be broken up before you know it, or rush yourself out of love.

 

You just spent half a day together.

 

Let it go some time before the next date.

 

Remember what you led you to the breakup in the first place?

That’s the trap you need to avoid as you get back with your ex.

[LinkWorshiper]

Thanks, I really appreciate your continued advice. I am definitely trying hard to take it slow. There are things I still want to talk to him about, but we definitely covered a lot of ground with some of the bigger issues. This interaction was a lot different than how it had been before. He came in with an understanding that he wanted to do exactly as you all say, restart and rebuild. He also apologized and came clean about that being the reason he wanted to spend time with me. We'll see how things go this weekend... he invited me out to his family reunion. Actually he just sent me a text saying that one of his aunts is excited to meet me. But thanks for your well-wishes. I will keep you guys updated. I know right now I'm trying to think of the best way to make sure I talk to him about all the things I want to in the best way possible. I have a habit of catastrophizing so... it's hard for me to visualize a productive way to talk about things all the time. Even though the evidence so far is the opposite XD

 

If you guys have any suggestions about what bases I make sure I cover, I would appreciate. There are al ot of things I don't think of.

[BC1980]

I would steer far clear of any heavy conversations right now. Its too soon to bombard him with emotions. Only time will tell if he has changed anyway. There's nothing to be gained by an heavy conversations at this point. Never doubt that he already knows what he needs to change.

[FierceFoxie]

I would steer far clear of any heavy conversations right now. Its too soon to bombard him with emotions. Only time will tell if he has changed anyway. There's nothing to be gained by an heavy conversations at this point. Never doubt that he already knows what he needs to change.

 

Agree!

 

Give only what you are given. Let him lead the deep and emotional talks, i.e., if he says "I miss you" (expressing emotion) then you can respond with missing him too.

[LinkWorshiper]

Agree!

 

Give only what you are given. Let him lead the deep and emotional talks, i.e., if he says "I miss you" (expressing emotion) then you can respond with missing him too.

 

Thanks guys. I've been trying to do that for the most part. In fact, when he came down on Wednesday, I let him do most of the talking, and most of it was on the serious side. A lot of his own realizations and figuring stuff out and how he wanted to go. I'm going to see him again today, but he's been texting me non-stop since our reconciliation meeting. (I call it that because he did actually say the words that he wanted to start again.) Anyway, in between 'I miss you's and 'I love you's and that kind of thing, there have been more apologies, more mentions of how stupid he was for letting the whole thing happen in the first place, lots of mentions of how he wanted to really spend time proving himself to me and earning me back. Lots of talk of how badly he screwed up, why would I even give him a chance, he's so lucky to have found someone so compassionate, etc. I've been trying to still keep with the texting pattern of waiting at least thirty minutes before I even look at the message so I don't seem super eager or anything, but I think he's at least making moves in the right direction.

 

I guess I'm more wondering like... obviously I'm letting him steer the conversation at his pace and to talk about things as he feels ready to. But I know there are things that he might not bring up or things I should make sure get talked about but I want to make sure I even have them in mind, because there was a time we had bad tension in our relationship for like a month a while back, and I know that part of what fed into this whole situation now is the fact that we never really covered all the bases and talked about what needed to be talked about when we patched it up. Like, for instance, I know I should make sure I ask him about making sure he's not picked up any weird STDs in the time we were apart. That's a really basic example, though; I was thinking more like... relationship/emotional-wise. If that makes sense.

[Mariposa10]

OP, how are you doing?