He's Turning It Around...?

[Mariposa10]

He's said that I should never doubt how much he misses me. That's great, but he created that situation in the first place, frankly, so until he wants to do something about it, it's just words, words, words. My answers to him have been no more than three words and after long periods of time. And be proud: if I can't think of anything to say, unlike before, I just don't say anything. I woke up to a text that said there was so much left unsaid and it was hard to know what to say all the time. Well, DUH.

 

Be careful, don't get too excited about all this. My ex was really sweet nice and all that for awhile, but now he has kind of stopped. My stupid myself is thinking maybe it's because I've stopped stroking his ego, or contacting him. But my logical self is saying, he already knows how you feel, just keep living your life. I had a rough night yesterday, I wanted to text him, but I was able to just go to sleep. I need to stay strong...

[LinkWorshiper]

Be careful, don't get too excited about all this. My ex was really sweet nice and all that for awhile, but now he has kind of stopped. My stupid myself is thinking maybe it's because I've stopped stroking his ego, or contacting him. But my logical self is saying, he already knows how you feel, just keep living your life. I had a rough night yesterday, I wanted to text him, but I was able to just go to sleep. I need to stay strong...

 

Well, he HAS been really nice to me. If anything, it's made him sweat a little now that I've been more aloof. I'm trying to just proceed with caution from this point forward, and that means that I'm just not going to let him be in the driver's seat. His last text to me was completely meaningless, just sounded good, so I ignored it. When he has something to say, I will answer. I am trying to remember that I am a person worth fighting for, and if he's already made so many efforts to keep me around, well... we'll just see I guess.

 

I hope you are feeling better!

[Mariposa10]

Well, he HAS been really nice to me. If anything, it's made him sweat a little now that I've been more aloof. I'm trying to just proceed with caution from this point forward, and that means that I'm just not going to let him be in the driver's seat. His last text to me was completely meaningless, just sounded good, so I ignored it. When he has something to say, I will answer. I am trying to remember that I am a person worth fighting for, and if he's already made so many efforts to keep me around, well... we'll just see I guess.

 

I hope you are feeling better!

 

 

Better than yesterday yes... Why can't my ex just say I'm dating someone now! I know I shouldn't care, I know it's none of my business. But still that would help me a little bit. When we recently broke up I kind of told him I would wait for him, now I regret it. I hope he's not thinking he can date this girl and then come back. The best way of telling him I won't wait for him I think it's me not contacting him, pretty much NC. I can't just text him and say, "remember how I said I would wait for you? that's not true anymore." Ugh! I shouldn't even think about this. I need to go out with my friends...

[HoneyBadgerDontCare]

I'm trying to keep my mom shut and go LC. I've said too many stupid things, I was the one who brought up the brilliant plan of dating other people (something I never did) I even told him what kind of girl he should date one time when I was really mad and guess what? That's EXACTLY the girl he found. He even told me, didn't you say I should be with someone with that kind of lifestyle? I'm not gonna say anything. I will just react to his contact, but I will not initiate anything. Last time we saw each other, we made out, he wanted to have sex and I said no. One time he told me "I will never choose her over you." But I feel like he already did. My point is, this is too much blah, blah and no actions.

 

Last week he wanted to have dinner, I told him I was gonna be busy but we could plan something soon, he didn't say anything else. He's really busy now, I'm busy so I don't know what's gonna happen. Let's say we do get back together, he'll still have to keep in touch with the girl because of work. Do I really want that? I don't think so. I know I don't own him, but I don't think I want to put up with that. Some times I feel like I'm tightrope walking and I don't like it. That's why I'm not gonna say anything and let things flow because I don't know what I want anymore. I feel like we BOTH blew it.

 

Good luck to you!

 

I don't think you both blew it. It was definitely you alone.

 

It sounds like he wanted to work things out and you wanted to date other people. He found someone and you didn't. You aren't pleased about that.

 

You caused your own problems here. It will do you no good to around blaming him, even if it does help your ego.

[Mariposa10]

This is such a bad year! Two of my closest friends got into new relationships and all their free time is for their partners. Another friend who was becoming one of my closest friends for the past couple of years left the country like weeks before I broke up with my ex. There's a guy who wants to go out with me, we have some things in common I have thought about going out with him, but I don't think I'm ready... Sometimes I want to force myself, but I don't want to hurt him... I'm not looking for a serious relationship and he kind of is....

[LinkWorshiper]

This is such a bad year! Two of my closest friends got into new relationships and all their free time is for their partners. Another friend who was becoming one of my closest friends for the past couple of years left the country like weeks before I broke up with my ex. There's a guy who wants to go out with me, we have some things in common I have thought about going out with him, but I don't think I'm ready... Sometimes I want to force myself, but I don't want to hurt him... I'm not looking for a serious relationship and he kind of is....

 

Ahh, I see. I think this is a key difference in our situation that I didn't know before. I don't date casually because I feel like it's a waste of time. It's always serious, which is why I don't take my feelings for my ex lightly, nor the ones he had for me. He talks about wanting something serious, but I think he's just not quite grasped how to make that happen... uncertainty and defensiveness, mostly. Which is why I'm pretty sure the girl he's seeing now isn't anything serious, because three months in, he's still just "seeing" her. I'm trying to remember that his interaction with her doesn't really have anything to do with his interaction with me. At least, not at this point.

 

The current interaction I'm having with him (though it is slow and at MY pace, not his, for once) is centered around grasping permanent happiness. He told me two days ago via Facebook that he wanted very much to understand how to be happy in life, and I let the message incubate for a little while until I really was sure in what I wanted to say. So today I finally told him that I thought he was capable of figuring it out once he actually allowed himself to and stopped being so afraid. And then I'm going to leave it alone and see what he does. He knows how I feel and what I want, so I'm not going to waste any more time trying to explain that.

[Mariposa10]

I don't think you both blew it. It was definitely you alone.

 

It sounds like he wanted to work things out and you wanted to date other people. He found someone and you didn't. You aren't pleased about that.

 

You caused your own problems here. It will do you no good to around blaming him, even if it does help your ego.

 

My ex once told me what you just said...

I never blamed him at the beginning, I kept blaming myself. Why? because I'm the one who got myself in this huge mess. This is why I still kept contacting him and pretty much begged him indirectly to forgive me when we broke up recently, even if people advised me not to do it. I NEVER looked for anybody to date. When I said that I was really angry because of some problems we were having, but I kind of forgot about it. I thought our relationship was improving when all of the suddenly I found out he had been texting/talking with another girl. When I confronted him about it he said he would stop, after that he started acting kind of shady. Sadly, something that I was able to understand later one was that emotionally we were not synced. He had already thought about how his life with this new girl would be like, he was getting really excited, while I was focusing on how our relationship was improving. That's when I knew we had to really break up and we did. Up to that point it had been all my fault.

I realized we both had blown it when he decided to pursue this girl. He threw away a 4 year relationship for the first girl who paid the slightest attention to him.

He kind of said that he wanted to see how things would go with this girl, but that in the end we could end up together me and him. When I was able to really understand that, I knew I could not accept that.

So I agree with you to a certain point, I blew it at the begging by being so childish and saying something like that, but he also blew it when he chose a girl he had just met over what he's called his "best friend" and "love of his life."

[Mariposa10]

Ahh, I see. I think this is a key difference in our situation that I didn't know before. I don't date casually because I feel like it's a waste of time. It's always serious, which is why I don't take my feelings for my ex lightly, nor the ones he had for me. He talks about wanting something serious, but I think he's just not quite grasped how to make that happen... uncertainty and defensiveness, mostly. Which is why I'm pretty sure the girl he's seeing now isn't anything serious, because three months in, he's still just "seeing" her. I'm trying to remember that his interaction with her doesn't really have anything to do with his interaction with me. At least, not at this point.

 

The current interaction I'm having with him (though it is slow and at MY pace, not his, for once) is centered around grasping permanent happiness. He told me two days ago via Facebook that he wanted very much to understand how to be happy in life, and I let the message incubate for a little while until I really was sure in what I wanted to say. So today I finally told him that I thought he was capable of figuring it out once he actually allowed himself to and stopped being so afraid. And then I'm going to leave it alone and see what he does. He knows how I feel and what I want, so I'm not going to waste any more time trying to explain that.

 

I love your last sentence!! I wish I could see things with my ex the way you see them with yours when it comes to the other girl, but I can't...

[LinkWorshiper]

I love your last sentence!! I wish I could see things with my ex the way you see them with yours when it comes to the other girl, but I can't...

 

Based on what you posted in that other comment, I can see why maybe it's harder for you to. Your situation sounds much more complicated! The girl my ex is seeing right now is someone he didn't even know when we broke up, and again, he doesn't seem to be very serious about her. But I know next to nothing about her except what a mutual friend who works with both of them told me, and she wasn't exactly painting the girl in the best light. (The mutual friend is the girl's supervisor, and apparently this girl has a reputation at their job of being a bit of a player. The friend said she couldn't tell my ex about it because of work politics though... apparently someone in leadership was involved with her.)

 

Anyway, I just feel like if it was actually going somewhere, he would not only be less secretive about it with me, but he would also at least have some photos of himself with her on Facebook, even if there was no relationship status -- which there isn't. When we first started going together, my ex plastered photos of me all over his page, requested the relationship status and chased ex girlfriends away when they tried to contact him. My point is that it's a little more cut and dry in my situation that he's casually dating this girl while still working awfully hard to keep me in the picture for whatever reason. Though I still get nervous that suddenly being a lot less forthcoming is going to affect things negatively because I prefer being 110% honest and straightforward about things. I have hopes that making him realize that I'm not just his easy backup option will make him really consider our relationship in a more critical light, but I get anxious when I have to wait for results since it feels like such a gamble.

[Mariposa10]

Based on what you posted in that other comment, I can see why maybe it's harder for you to. Your situation sounds much more complicated! The girl my ex is seeing right now is someone he didn't even know when we broke up, and again, he doesn't seem to be very serious about her. But I know next to nothing about her except what a mutual friend who works with both of them told me, and she wasn't exactly painting the girl in the best light. (The mutual friend is the girl's supervisor, and apparently this girl has a reputation at their job of being a bit of a player. The friend said she couldn't tell my ex about it because of work politics though... apparently someone in leadership was involved with her.)

 

Anyway, I just feel like if it was actually going somewhere, he would not only be less secretive about it with me, but he would also at least have some photos of himself with her on Facebook, even if there was no relationship status -- which there isn't. When we first started going together, my ex plastered photos of me all over his page, requested the relationship status and chased ex girlfriends away when they tried to contact him. My point is that it's a little more cut and dry in my situation that he's casually dating this girl while still working awfully hard to keep me in the picture for whatever reason. Though I still get nervous that suddenly being a lot less forthcoming is going to affect things negatively because I prefer being 110% honest and straightforward about things. I have hopes that making him realize that I'm not just his easy backup option will make him really consider our relationship in a more critical light, but I get anxious when I have to wait for results since it feels like such a gamble.

 

I think you are able to stay sane because you're looking at the big picture and you guys haven't talked about her. I have talked about her with my ex and that has hurt me immensely.

Last time I hung out with my ex, one of his closest friends called him and he put the phone on speaker like he used to do all the time, but as soon as he sensed his friend was gonna ask something he didn't want me to hear he went crazy trying to turn off the speaker... I wonder if his friend was asking him about the other girl. My ex answered like this, "good, everything is good, I'm actually at her house right now." But he looked really nervous... I don't know but it was weird. That night he also forgot his phone, and when I gave it to him. I told him, "don't worry, I forgot your password, I didn't check anything." And he said there's nothing there that I wouldn't want you to see, there's nothing bad... So I don't really know what's really going on, but I'm done doing all the guessing I was doing, which was really painful.

 

How's everything with you, did you go out of town already?

[LinkWorshiper]

I think you are able to stay sane because you're looking at the big picture and you guys haven't talked about her.

 

We have kind of talked about her when he first mentioned he had met her. This was months ago when I first asked for NC. At that time, he said he wasn't sure if he wanted to pursue her at all, if maybe the relationship would be too hard, maybe he didn't want it, maybe they would just be friends. Things like that, coupled with the fact that when he mentioned her here and there (before our argument), he talked about her like he was talking about any of our mutual friends. She almost seems more like an excuse or a way to pass the time until he's in another place, not someone he is serious about. But that is just my gut speaking again. He avoids talking about her now, and I just find it interesting that he does.

 

I have talked about her with my ex and that has hurt me immensely.

Last time I hung out with my ex, one of his closest friends called him and he put the phone on speaker like he used to do all the time, but as soon as he sensed his friend was gonna ask something he didn't want me to hear he went crazy trying to turn off the speaker... I wonder if his friend was asking him about the other girl. My ex answered like this, "good, everything is good, I'm actually at her house right now." But he looked really nervous... I don't know but it was weird. That night he also forgot his phone, and when I gave it to him. I told him, "don't worry, I forgot your password, I didn't check anything." And he said there's nothing there that I wouldn't want you to see, there's nothing bad... So I don't really know what's really going on, but I'm done doing all the guessing I was doing, which was really painful.

 

Eeek, yeah, it's maybe kind of telling if he's making it very clear to you. At the same time, he might be trying to make you jealous, though you probably have a better idea about that than I do. If anything, you can know that your ex has spoken about you with his friend. It might be he's not ready to talk to you about the sentiments he's shared with his friend and that's why he made an effort to hide it. If it was something that he was pretty sure you already knew or something he wanted you to know, I don't think he would have made an effort to block it, or at least might have explained things to you later. I would guess based on what you say that he might at least care enough about you to not want you to leave. I might suggest, just based on how things are going with me, to make sure you don't always give him 100% of yourself, add a little mystery and make him work a bit.

 

How's everything with you, did you go out of town already?

 

I did. I am visiting my mom in Washington DC. So part of me is kind of waiting to see if he will ask anything about the status of my family and friends after today's shooting. Everybody works downtown, and I don't know... it would be kind of nice to hear that he's worried about whether or not someone I know was gunned down :T

 

Aside from that, I'm just trying really hard not to contact him and wait for him to make some more effort. It's really hard because I easily get worried that he's just forgotten all about me, though I know that's probably not true considering he's still stalking my Tumblr, even from work. I am very tempted to say things to him that demand more action and less talking, but I don't want to be too accusatory or preachy. I know I shouldn't expect overnight results, but wondering where it's going still makes me nervous because it's very important to me. He's very, very important to me.

[Mariposa10]

We have kind of talked about her when he first mentioned he had met her. This was months ago when I first asked for NC. At that time, he said he wasn't sure if he wanted to pursue her at all, if maybe the relationship would be too hard, maybe he didn't want it, maybe they would just be friends. Things like that, coupled with the fact that when he mentioned her here and there (before our argument), he talked about her like he was talking about any of our mutual friends. She almost seems more like an excuse or a way to pass the time until he's in another place, not someone he is serious about. But that is just my gut speaking again. He avoids talking about her now, and I just find it interesting that he does.

 

 

 

Eeek, yeah, it's maybe kind of telling if he's making it very clear to you. At the same time, he might be trying to make you jealous, though you probably have a better idea about that than I do. If anything, you can know that your ex has spoken about you with his friend. It might be he's not ready to talk to you about the sentiments he's shared with his friend and that's why he made an effort to hide it. If it was something that he was pretty sure you already knew or something he wanted you to know, I don't think he would have made an effort to block it, or at least might have explained things to you later. I would guess based on what you say that he might at least care enough about you to not want you to leave. I might suggest, just based on how things are going with me, to make sure you don't always give him 100% of yourself, add a little mystery and make him work a bit.

 

 

 

I did. I am visiting my mom in Washington DC. So part of me is kind of waiting to see if he will ask anything about the status of my family and friends after today's shooting. Everybody works downtown, and I don't know... it would be kind of nice to hear that he's worried about whether or not someone I know was gunned down :T

 

Aside from that, I'm just trying really hard not to contact him and wait for him to make some more effort. It's really hard because I easily get worried that he's just forgotten all about me, though I know that's probably not true considering he's still stalking my Tumblr, even from work. I am very tempted to say things to him that demand more action and less talking, but I don't want to be too accusatory or preachy. I know I shouldn't expect overnight results, but wondering where it's going still makes me nervous because it's very important to me. He's very, very important to me.

 

 

 

 

 

 

What kind of things are you tempted to say that would require more action and less talking? I know that fear you're experiencing. But the way I see it is that if things are meant to work out, they will. Rushing things can end up in another breakup in the future...

 

Yeah, I know my ex cares about me, but to what extend is the question... He also didn't want to talk about the other girl with me because he didn't want to "hurt me." But I did push him like two times, and it was really painful. It's true what they say, don't ask if you're not gonna be ready for such answers.

[LinkWorshiper]

What kind of things are you tempted to say that would require more action and less talking? I know that fear you're experiencing. But the way I see it is that if things are meant to work out, they will. Rushing things can end up in another breakup in the future...

 

Well, it's great that he's texting me compliments and telling me that I should never doubt how much he misses me. That's awesome. But if he misses me so damn much, he should stop creating all this separation between us. It is not enough to just call ourselves friends and then behave just as we did when we were a couple because that WILL change should he ever become serious about this other girl or, heaven forbid, I meet someone else. If he likes what we have so much and misses me so much, he should DO something about it. Like, I don't know, talk about reconciling. We broke up once for like a month about a year ago and I'm pretty sure all of this is happening because we rushed things, so on the one hand, I am okay with him taking his time to understand this. I think I just get stressed out because this other girl is kind of an X factor. Having said that, in my gut, I do think things will work out based on the facts as they are now. The waiting and the not knowing is the hard part.

 

Yeah, I know my ex cares about me, but to what extend is the question... He also didn't want to talk about the other girl with me because he didn't want to "hurt me." But I did push him like two times, and it was really painful. It's true what they say, don't ask if you're not gonna be ready for such answers.

 

Well, it should say something that he is making choices that are sensitive to your feelings. And I read somewhere that anger isn't always the worst thing, because it's still a spike of emotion. If he starts becoming apathetic to you, then you should worry. Which is, again, why the NC stuff freaks me out... they say that if a guy is interested, it will make them sweat and wonder what happened and question the break up and all that stuff. But maybe because I'm a bit pessimistic at times, I just worry my ex will see it as apathy or turn on his own apathy and I've lost. At the same same time, this worked last time, so we'll see. Putting your foot down and speaking up about your feelings should never be wrong, even if it's hard....

[Mariposa10]

Well, it's great that he's texting me compliments and telling me that I should never doubt how much he misses me. That's awesome. But if he misses me so damn much, he should stop creating all this separation between us. It is not enough to just call ourselves friends and then behave just as we did when we were a couple because that WILL change should he ever become serious about this other girl or, heaven forbid, I meet someone else. If he likes what we have so much and misses me so much, he should DO something about it. Like, I don't know, talk about reconciling. We broke up once for like a month about a year ago and I'm pretty sure all of this is happening because we rushed things, so on the one hand, I am okay with him taking his time to understand this. I think I just get stressed out because this other girl is kind of an X factor. Having said that, in my gut, I do think things will work out based on the facts as they are now. The waiting and the not knowing is the hard part.

 

 

 

Well, it should say something that he is making choices that are sensitive to your feelings. And I read somewhere that anger isn't always the worst thing, because it's still a spike of emotion. If he starts becoming apathetic to you, then you should worry. Which is, again, why the NC stuff freaks me out... they say that if a guy is interested, it will make them sweat and wonder what happened and question the break up and all that stuff. But maybe because I'm a bit pessimistic at times, I just worry my ex will see it as apathy or turn on his own apathy and I've lost. At the same same time, this worked last time, so we'll see. Putting your foot down and speaking up about your feelings should never be wrong, even if it's hard....

 

 

The thing with you and me is that they already know how we feel.... So it's all up to them. That's why we should stop worrying. We've done our part...

I don't think the other girl in your case could be the X factor.

[Minneloa]

LW,

 

What you are going through sounds like a very frustrating limbo. Do you have a timeline in mind for how long you are willing to wait for him to "turn it around'?

 

M.

[LinkWorshiper]

The thing with you and me is that they already know how we feel.... So it's all up to them. That's why we should stop worrying. We've done our part...

I don't think the other girl in your case could be the X factor.

 

That's true. Though I guess it's kind of ideal if right now my ex isn't sure. The way I reacted is something he probably NEVER expected. The first time I went NC, I actually asked for it, spoke to him and explained why. This time, I just reacted in a way that was unexpected and then slowly tapered off my responses. I think it's good if he sweats a little, though if he really thought about it, he'd know the truth of my feelings. I've even tried to mix it up on my Tumblr, which he is still stalking, to throw in a few reblogs that range from 'You're an idiot' type things to Moulin Rouge. Plus photos of my art and things I'm doing on a day to day basis. My point is I'm trying to keep him on his toes a little bit and see what he'll do. He's panicked twice already, so we'll see how long he can go.

 

Also, this sounds dumb, but it sort of makes me feel better to hear you say that about the other girl, because she is the one thing in all this that makes me wonder if he really WILL turn it around. If it weren't for her, I'd say that 100%, he'd get the picture, especially after all this shaking it up. I feel like this comes down to a fear of commitment on his part and the idea that this might be it for the single life is worrisome. (I had a friend whose fiance had this problem before he asked her out, and he put it off for a long time because of it, even though he was pretty sure she was "the one".) I'm just trying to remind myself daily that I am a person of value that he needs to fight for!

 

I wish I could give you some sort of encouragement too, Mari!

 

LW,

 

What you are going through sounds like a very frustrating limbo. Do you have a timeline in mind for how long you are willing to wait for him to "turn it around'?

 

M.

 

Tell me about it. < /giant sigh> He seemed like he was on that positive road for the past few weeks until just last Wednesday. At the moment, I am going to try and go a month (or at least another week or two) without reaching out to him directly to see if he does anything. Then I might try contacting him in case he was waiting for me to make a move (because I have a feeling he thinks I'm angry). I am hoping that by showing him that I'm NOT just sitting around for his convenience, he'll be reminded of my value and the quality I add to his life. I understand that this is the whole point of NC in the first place, but this is the first time I've really felt like it's the right move because THIS time, he had the benefit of my company and was greatly enjoying it, and now, because he blundered, he risks losing it. In that moment, he panicked when I stopped answering, and two days later he was trying to beg me back into talking to him with compliments and telling me that I should never doubt how much he misses me. I didn't bite, though.

 

So I guess what I'm saying is now there are stakes involved, and I feel like that will be what makes a difference. It did the last time we broke up (for only like a month and a half about two years ago).... we enjoyed each other's company on a weekly basis, and then one day, he said something a little callous on the phone to me, and I texted him afterwards that maybe I didn't want to spend time with him for a little bit after all. Two weeks later, we were back together. And our interactions this time were a hundred times more positive and constructive than that time. So we'll see. I feel like I might be in the homestretch regardless.

[Mariposa10]

When did you guys break up, and when did he meet this girl, do you know?

[LinkWorshiper]

When did you guys break up, and when did he meet this girl, do you know?

 

We broke up in January during the birthday party I threw for him. We were all trashed and wandering around the city late, and he was being kind of a drunk *******. So I tried to call him out on it and misunderstandings happened, and then he just had a huge meltdown, threw his arms up in the air and was like, 'I can't do this anymore!' And then he just stormed off into the night. Then I was in the hospital for two weeks, and then I took about three weeks when I got out to try contacting him again (though there had been times I'd tried while I was in the hospital.... a mutual friend told me he'd kept my ex from returning my calls because he didn't think it would be good for us to communicate at that time. Apparently my ex was really, really upset that I was there, though.)

 

Anyway, then we slowly started communicating more until we had what I think most people would deem as an appropriate friendship for exes to have. Texting fairly evenly, maybe twice a week, hang out about once a week for a meal, not much else, though I held hope. Somewhere during this time (about June maybe?), he got transferred to a new location for work, and the girl is someone who also works there, but on a different team. So he didn't know her or even have an interest until at least then, and we were still talking the whole time. I don't think he planned to tell me about her, and the only reason I found out was because he had been flirting seriously with me and then abruptly stopped. Another mutual friend who works also at the same location as my ex and this girl (and is actually the girl's supervisor) told me that if the girl he was interested in 'was who she thought it was', then she had a bad reputation for using guys around the job. Which might explain why my ex is drawn to her, because that's just what she does. She also may have targeted him because she sensed he was vulnerable. Also he's in leadership. He told me she was transferring out to another location soon, so.... I don't know if that will make a difference. It sound dumb, but I clicked her FB page just to see, and I don't think she's much to look at, and if she's a user, well... I just don't know.

 

Wow, sorry that was long. Summarizing a lot XD

[Minneloa]

I guess I am asking, at what point would you consider walking away and cutting contact (not just hanging back and letting him initiate) with this man if he doesn't step up in terms of actual discussion of reconciliation? Right now, it seems like you are setting yourself up to wait indefinitely for him to choose you; meanwhile, he is seeing another woman. That's no bueno in my book. Why is this all on his terms and timetable?

Edited September 18, 2013 by Minneloa

[Mariposa10]

I guess I am asking, at what point would you consider walking away and cutting contact (not just hanging back and letting him initiate) with this man if he doesn't step up in terms of actual discussion of reconciliation? Right now, it seems like you are setting yourself up to wait indefinitely for him to choose you; meanwhile, he is seeing another woman. That's no bueno in my book. Why is this all on his terms and timetable?

 

Well, we don't even know if they are still talking. Maybe his ex and the other girl don't even talk anymore. But I do believe it's good to start thinking at what point you would consider walking away from this situation. It's something that you have to keep in mind too.

[LinkWorshiper]

Well, we don't even know if they are still talking. Maybe his ex and the other girl don't even talk anymore. But I do believe it's good to start thinking at what point you would consider walking away from this situation. It's something that you have to keep in mind too.

 

I have no idea if he still talks to the other girl, honestly. Or if he just decided to be her friend or whatever. He doesn't talk to me about her, and the few times he did mention her to me, he talked about her like a friend. It's been this long and nothing seems to have moved forward in that relationship as far as me or any of our mutual friends can tell. He did make a comment he wasn't after anything serious right now, and I think the thing is that h knows a relationship with me would be Serious.

 

As I said before, he is on the thin ice. This is his last month, and if he doesn't pick up the ball, he's out. He screwed up royally by starting to talk to me again and treating me like we were together again. Or at least trying to have that level of a relationship. He was the one bringing up the past, wanting forgiveness for it, wanting to talk about ourselves and moving forward and things we were doing to better ourselves. Everything was there except for his ability to say that he wanted it. I guess what I'm saying is that I feel in my gut that he wants that relationship with me but he has to learn that that's just not what he gets because we know each other and happened to be a couple once. If he doesn't get that, then I can't keep giving him that level of myself without getting it back from him because frankly, it's draining. And if he thinks he can get that from me and also get it from another girl, he's got to learn the hard way that having all of me is not a right, it's a luxury.

 

Having said all that, again, I think he knows what he wants in a relationship with me and he has to stop being such a pansy about sealing the deal. Because even though I DON'T know this other girl beyond hearsay, I can assure you that he is not going to get that kind of a connection out of her without the same amount of work and a slim chance of actual success.

Edited September 18, 2013 by LinkWorshiper

[Minneloa]

As I said before, he is on the thin ice. This is his last month, and if he doesn't pick up the ball, he's out.

 

I like to hear this anger and assertiveness, LW. Sometimes, your posts concern me because they are so filled with hope. Don't get me wrong, hope can be a wonderful thing; however, in situations like this it can also lead to blind spots and crushed expectations. I think it's important to know your limits and be prepared to enforce them.

 

Sending good thoughts,

M

[LinkWorshiper]

I like to hear this anger and assertiveness, LW. Sometimes, your posts concern me because they are so filled with hope. Don't get me wrong, hope can be a wonderful thing; however, in situations like this it can also lead to blind spots and crushed expectations. I think it's important to know your limits and be prepared to enforce them.

 

Sending good thoughts,

M

 

Thanks

 

I won't say I've let go of hope. I doubt I will. But I'm also trying to change this situation by not putting myself on a silver platter and being a bit more in control of my own role in it. My mistake in all of this has been to make it too easy by being nice and understanding. These are personal values of mine and I wanted to carry them over into my dealings with him regardless of the situation, but it was getting me blown around like paper. I feel like I see this situation very clearly, even if sometimes I am bad at explaining it on this board, but I have to be firm in what I want too. As I said, the relationship we were nurturing for the past few weeks was very positive, but I want to make it clear to him that he doesn't get that relationship just because we once were together and we can just keep on that way and not have all the bells and whistles that go with that kind of emotional intimacy. What I am hoping is that me finally being assertive will make it clear to him that our relationship is not only at the discretion of his feelings. I think he has to learn how to identify his own feelings and behavior, or else he's just going to live his life in the same doomed cycle (he had a Serious relationship with the girl before me, and that ended in flames and lava). And then maybe, just maybe he can figure out what he wants for himself.

[Mariposa10]

Thanks

 

I won't say I've let go of hope. I doubt I will. But I'm also trying to change this situation by not putting myself on a silver platter and being a bit more in control of my own role in it. My mistake in all of this has been to make it too easy by being nice and understanding. These are personal values of mine and I wanted to carry them over into my dealings with him regardless of the situation, but it was getting me blown around like paper. I feel like I see this situation very clearly, even if sometimes I am bad at explaining it on this board, but I have to be firm in what I want too. As I said, the relationship we were nurturing for the past few weeks was very positive, but I want to make it clear to him that he doesn't get that relationship just because we once were together and we can just keep on that way and not have all the bells and whistles that go with that kind of emotional intimacy. What I am hoping is that me finally being assertive will make it clear to him that our relationship is not only at the discretion of his feelings. I think he has to learn how to identify his own feelings and behavior, or else he's just going to live his life in the same doomed cycle (he had a Serious relationship with the girl before me, and that ended in flames and lava). And then maybe, just maybe he can figure out what he wants for himself.

 

I don't think made a mistake by being nice and understanding, you were letting him know how much you cared about him and what you were willing to do to have a relationship with him. In my opinion, you did the right thing, now it's all up to him.

[Simon Phoenix]

Don't you ever get tired of all this rehashing and overanalyzation? I mean, I'm not even involved in this and i'm frustrated and exhausted by your thoughts and postings. You are living in one of Dante's Levels of Hell, a limbo where no progress is made, to the point where it's affecting your personal and professional life, and yet you are too scared to do what you should be doing, go NC and evolve. I mean, what's the endgame here? If you continue this and you get back together (I don't see it happening, but I guess it could), do you really think it will last? There's not a chance in hell. If this whole process is this dramatic, then what happens when there's a conflict? I mean, he hasn't evolved (there's no reason for him to because you eat up everything he says and does) and I don't think you've evolved because you are too afraid to truly separate yourself from the situation.

 

You are stubborn and you are going to keep banging your head against the wall because you seem more interested in trying to tell us "I told you so" then actually getting to a healthy, happy state in your life. But I wish you wouldn't.