joseph Posted November 19, 2004 Share Posted November 19, 2004 Ok..this is weird situation.. im 22..shes 26.. I started seeing this girl..my roomate..about a month and a half ago. (Oct 1) the whole thing started as a more of a sexual relationship.. we started flirting alot, and eventually were alone one weekend, and from there we started sleeping together every night. Even to this night we sleep together every night. But now feelings are much more involved and we care about each other alot. Now to the problem, she just got out of a relationship in august, it was a 1.5yr relationship..and previous to that she had a 6yr relationship. She respects her mothers opinion and her mother doesnt want her jumping into another relationship. ie me. So..her mother has decided to set my "girlfriend" if I can call her that, on a date... And she has justified going on this date to me..to my dissaproval. She says that shes only going on this date to please her mother, and show her mother that she looked around, because she really wants to be with me. She also says that if she doesnt do this he family wont respect me, they will hold some sort of grudge.., because the guy she is being set up with is a friend of the family. So ultimately, as I write this she is on this date.. Im not sure what to think or do... she says she is going to call her mom when the date is done and tell her it went poorly, and that is the end of it. I did tell her that once this "date" is done, i dont want to hear from this guy anymore...as he has been calling occasionally to set up the date, etc. I appreciate any insight, good, bad or ugly...thanks guys Link to post Share on other sites
Merin Posted November 19, 2004 Share Posted November 19, 2004 What the??? Your girlfriend is 26 years old.. she isn't 14! While I can understand that her Mom doesn't want her to get hurt in jumping into another relationship.. when did it become her Moms decision and choice of whom she dates or doesn't date for that matter? If she is so willing to do what her Mom wants to make her happy regarding this, yet claims she wants to be with only you.. it's got to make you wonder IF you and she do stay together what else her Mom will eventually want her daughter to do to satisfy her mind that she's doing the right thing.. Hmmmm.. this can't be good. Link to post Share on other sites
Author joseph Posted November 19, 2004 Author Share Posted November 19, 2004 thanks for the reply...and yes, you're right, my g/f has talked about this too. She said ultimately it is her decision, but she said that it just easier this way, because she doesnt want her family holding a grudge And the funny thing is..Ive met her mom, and her mom LOVES me..so it makes me wonder why she would set her up.. the only thing I can think of it that his guy is her moms friend.. which makes the situation that more ridiculous. more input is glady accepted..thanks people... Link to post Share on other sites
Merin Posted November 19, 2004 Share Posted November 19, 2004 It's just easier this way for who? IMO This isn't okay.. she either wants to be in an exclusive relationship with you or she doesn't. She knows how you feel about it obviously and again obviously this being okay or easy for you wasn't her priority. It's all you for what you're willing to put up with.. Good Luck Link to post Share on other sites
Pocky Posted November 19, 2004 Share Posted November 19, 2004 Is your girlfriend easily influenced in other areas of her life? Does she try to bypass confrontation? Does she generally concede with what her parents want? If her actions are consistent her personality, then I wouldn't try to determine if her agreeing to go on a date has any reflection on your relationship. If this is out of character for her and she is behaving in a manner that is inconsistent with her personality then you need to consider the possibilities that she may not have the same perspective on the relationship that you do. As far as her agreeing to go on a date while the two of you are boyfriend and girlfriend, in my opinion it's unacceptable. She's twenty-six and should be capable of making her own decisions (unless she has a mental disorder). I would sit down with her and have a serious discussion regarding what your limits are within the relationship. If you feel it's unacceptable then you need to tell her this and let her know what the consequences are. Would she feel comfortable with you dating other women because your mother thinks you're getting too involved? Link to post Share on other sites
Author joseph Posted November 19, 2004 Author Share Posted November 19, 2004 thanks for the reply pocky, these behaviours are consistent.. she generally tries to please her mother...and her family in general. What her family and friends think is very important to her. As for going on the date..well its too late..she left at 8pm tonight, (my time) and its now 10pm, She knows that under any other circumstance I would not stand for this..and I even reversed the roles, and asked her if she would approve of me "dating" other girls..and of course she said no.. So...ill ask you guys this..what should I tell her when she walks in that door..as i am waiting up for her.. any ideas.. Link to post Share on other sites
Bryanp Posted November 19, 2004 Share Posted November 19, 2004 Hello Joseph, How totally disrespecting it is to you and your relationship. She sounds like 26 going on 13. I think this is a huge red flag that she is not mature enough and too dependent on approval of her family. She is living with you and sexually involved with you and going out on date to please her mother? What is wrong with this picture? I would tell her when she returns that you are deeply disappointed with her behavior and this has taken a huge step backwards in your relationship with her. It is so ridiculous and really quite humiliating to you. I wish you luck. Link to post Share on other sites
tanbark813 Posted November 19, 2004 Share Posted November 19, 2004 So what happened? Link to post Share on other sites
bluechocolate Posted November 19, 2004 Share Posted November 19, 2004 How long had you known each other before starting to sleep together every night? Regardless, I wouldn't go out with a 26 year old woman who went out with another guy because her mommy told her to. Link to post Share on other sites
Cecelius Posted November 19, 2004 Share Posted November 19, 2004 Yes, because it shows that she has exactly the traits that cause cheating: 1) No backbone (can't tell her mom no) 2) No sense of self-responsibility (blames having to go out on the date on other people). Most women who cheat (who do not strike you as mean or cruel women) are those who are "confused" or who have self-esteem issues and ego-propping needs that get serviced by the right guy at the right time, and the woman can deny culpability. I have heard close friends of mine tell me that after a man swept her off her feet, she cheated on a b/f because she was just overpowered by the new guy. Has she cheated before? If not, I'd be wary. She's more worried about ticking off her mom than ticking off you. Of course the mother is family but she should be able to game her way out of it. Link to post Share on other sites
Soul Doubt Posted November 19, 2004 Share Posted November 19, 2004 That happened to me In college, My girls mother set up a date for her. She Complained and Complained about leading up to the Friday night she had the dAte. Well She told me to Call her around 10 for she'd be home by then. I called And Called and she never Answered. Around 12:30 I went outside of my Dorm to smoke a Cigerette, and Low and Behold across the Basketball courts, and the little road between My dorm and the Campus Parking lot stood my girl in the arms of some punk. They made out for like 5 minutes. I tried to ignore it until a friend of mine came up and noticed it as well. That was pretty much it for me and her...To this day 6 years later she calls from time to time, but I have yet to take the Call. Link to post Share on other sites
LadyLuck Posted November 19, 2004 Share Posted November 19, 2004 May sound harsh, but I think that the mum has a motive behind arranging this date........she doesn't want her daughter to be with you and she's lining up other eligible men to date her daughter, in the hope her daughter falls for one of them. Probably not what you want to hear, but that is the way it seems to me. However, it was down to your girfriend ultimately, upon whether she went on this date or not and SHE chose to go. Doesn't seem to me that she has much respect for you nor your relationship. You DO NOT go off and date other people, if you are in love with your partner and in a relationship!! How would she have felt, if your mom had lined you up with another girl for a date and you went off to meet this date? I would ask her and note her reaction!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author joseph Posted November 19, 2004 Author Share Posted November 19, 2004 thanks for the abundance of replies.. bluechocolate: I have known her for a full year prior to sleeping with her every night. now in second year uni., I got to know her relly well in first year, and we became roomates. So last night she got in at around 1130, and she was talking to our other roomate.. the first thing she said was that it was ok, and but that she wont see him again.. and then they talked for a good little while, By then I crashed in my bed, and she came in my room to wake me. she wanted me to come in her room... I asked her if I belong in there. She said of course, and she kissed me. It was a little awkward sleeping in her room last night. We didnt talk much, as it was late, and we had class at 8am. But today we had a chance to talk, and she approached me and told me not to worry about the guy (her date) and that its done with. She said that the date itself went ok, but she couldnt see herself with him, and so on..and of course, she made it a point to tell me there was no physical contact... I just assumed that..I somehow trust this girl. She said that when or if he calls back shes telling him hes not interested.. She also told her mother that she didnt have a connection with this guy..and well, her mother immediately suspected that my g/f went in biased because of me. LadyLuck: you make a good point.. I know her mother would rather my g/f go out with this guy, he's a friend of her's, and shes trying to do him a favour and oh ya.. he's already got a steady job, and well im still in school.. but so is my g/f..so.. thanks for listening.. Link to post Share on other sites
Cecelius Posted November 19, 2004 Share Posted November 19, 2004 Sounds even worse after the fact -- is she doing some favor to you by not seeing him again? She doesn't consider you her b/f. I'd say hang out with her but be on the lookout for other women. Make clear to her that going on a date, even an arranged one, is not okay. Link to post Share on other sites
bluechocolate Posted November 19, 2004 Share Posted November 19, 2004 bluechocolate: I have known her for a full year prior to sleeping with her every night. now in second year uni., I got to know her really well in first year, and we became roomates. OK - I was thinking that if you had just moved in together & started sleeping together every night, well it was bad news anyway. It was a little awkward sleeping in her room last night. I'll bet it was! She said that the date itself went ok, but she couldn't see herself with him.... Sorry, but that is an odd thing to say. What if she could have seen herself with him? I still maintain she had no business going on that date if she really cared for you - no matter what her mother wanted her to do. Link to post Share on other sites
Author joseph Posted November 19, 2004 Author Share Posted November 19, 2004 I agree also..I think that it was wrong for her to go out with this guy.. Im not trying to defend it..but I really do care for her, and I wouldnt have stood for it if I didnt think she did it only to satisfy her mother. ( Im not a stupid person, I know how bad that sounds..but it seems like shes being honest about all of this..) I remember telling her that if shes really going on this date to explore options..then Id rather be told about it, so I can just keep away from all of it, and avoid getting hurt I suppose. She then threatened to knock me in the head..jokingly of course.. Id like to thank you guys for responding, its nice to get unbiased help.. Link to post Share on other sites
Author joseph Posted November 20, 2004 Author Share Posted November 20, 2004 Ok, this is going to seem very hippocritical... but, tell me if Im wrong by even considering this.. Im going home next weekend.. and I have the opportunity to go out on a date of my own..Im honestly considering it, since I was treated like Im not even worth it..but on the other hand, i gave her the benefit of doubt.. Maybe I should condider other opportunities?? what do you guys think? thanks Link to post Share on other sites
heckno Posted November 21, 2004 Share Posted November 21, 2004 Wow! What a nightmare, mindbender and way to hurt a mans heart! I agree, I wouldn't date a 26 yr old "woman" who dates who her mommy tells her to either. Here's my advice. Give her a copy of Co-Dependent No More, and go back home and go on your date(s). Get yourself used to the idea that this relationship just isn't going to work, get it out of your system and i mean, really do it. When you come back, focus on yourself, your school, and your aspirations. Meet other women if you want, and date them freely. You're a young smart man with morals and ethics i'm sure, and the last thing a young man with a future needs is a ton of emotional baggage from some nearly 30 yr old girl to hold you down in life. She's obviously still in her adolescent stage and will probably never surpass it. Can you imagine really getting tied down with this girl and having to deal with this crap for years? Or forever?! "well, mommy said I should do this, so I will, hope you understand, I mean, even though i'm with you, I don't have to make you happy because I know you'll put up with it, let me step all over you, take advantage of your kindess, you know, what I normally do" On the other hand, you can do a checkmate. Tell her when you go home, your mother insists you go out on a date with this girl and you just "have to go because it'll make her happy". Tell her you know she'll understand since you were so absolutely understanding. Give her a pat on the head and click your heels together on the way out Seriously though, go on your date! Have fun, and forget this nut case. She reminds me of a lifetime movie. Link to post Share on other sites
Fritz Posted November 21, 2004 Share Posted November 21, 2004 On the other hand, you can do a checkmate. Tell her when you go home, your mother insists you go out on a date with this girl and you just "have to go because it'll make her happy". Tell her you know she'll understand since you were so absolutely understanding. Give her a pat on the head and click your heels together on the way out That might be a good idea to see her reaction. This whole thing stinks to me. 1. She ended a long relationship not too long ago and is now sleeping with her roommate aka you (smells like rebound by her actions..) 2. Sleeping with your roomate can lead to problems if you guys break up (start saving in case you have to move etc.) 3. She supposedly loves you, sleeps with you every night but lets mommy dictate her dating schedule to her 4. She actually went when she knew it bugged you You said her mom "loves you" and has met you but I'm guessing she doesnt know you are banging her sweet little 26 yr old girl? Er wait, she doesnt want her daughter in a serious relationship right now but sets her up on dates? WTF is going on here? Either you guys have a steady thing, a roomie "friends with benefits thing" or nothing. I can understand not wanting to make waves with family especially if she relies on their support in college but come on, she's twenty six for pete's sake. You don't let your family have that kind of control over your personal life at 26 if you have a backbone. Is she embarrassed to make it known she's dating you with others besides her family/mommy? I wouldn't have slept with her that night when she came back. Stop rolling over for her, she doesnt sound worth it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author joseph Posted November 21, 2004 Author Share Posted November 21, 2004 lol, thanks for the reply fritz..brutally honest, I like it.. so here's the latest..shes apparently told her mom shes not interested in that guy..and that caused problems..but then the issue of her ex boyfriend came up.. her mom said that she shouldnt commit to me until at least after christmas now..until she has "resolved" her feelings for her ex.. by the way, that relationship ended in august..and the guy is a total weiner.. lol, she told me this on msn messenger..and right after that..she said.." my mom says hi..lol so Idont know..its not like her mom spites me..its just one messed up situation.. the only good thing I take out of all of this is that her mother is accepting her daughter commiting to me eventually.. Im just concerned that if by her not commiting until xmas means more set up dates etc from her mom..I cant have that I mean..if shes supposed to get over he ex..should she be dating all over the place? her mom makes no sense.. Link to post Share on other sites
Bryanp Posted November 21, 2004 Share Posted November 21, 2004 Judge a person by their actions and not by their words and you will understand the true picture. Link to post Share on other sites
Fritz Posted November 21, 2004 Share Posted November 21, 2004 Originally posted by joseph lher mom said that she shouldnt commit to me until at least after christmas now..until she has "resolved" her feelings for her ex.. Well thats generally good advice and the both of you need to talk about that (does she still have feelings for the "weiner"?) and where things are going in your relationship. Honestly, mom needs to butt out and mind her own damn business in my opinion but whatever. I'd just sit back, tell her how you feel, how you felt ****ty about her dating some guy (and would so in the future), and put the ball in her court. Just be prepare for the worst and hope for the best, and not take it too seriously as it doesn't sound like she is. I mean..if shes supposed to get over he ex..should she be dating all over the place? Generally, no that usually doesn't work. Link to post Share on other sites
Author joseph Posted November 21, 2004 Author Share Posted November 21, 2004 thanks fritz.. she tells me she's over her ex..but she was dumped by him..and she did tell me she thought he was the one she was going to marry.. but she also said I do all the little things he doesnt..and she's happy with me. I've heard so many things about the way he's acted towards her/treated her, I wonder how she couldve been stuck with him.. and yes..im sort of developing that attitude..hoping for the best..but not expecting much.. she'll be back from her weekend at home soon, ill see how shes acting..the week prior she was distant and cold.. almost as though she was "thinking" Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted November 22, 2004 Share Posted November 22, 2004 Here's another question for you...are you still interested in a relationship with her, if you know her mother is going to be this involved in her decision making? Not just about dating, but also about jobs, freinds, where to live, how to live, how to spend her money, when to have kids, etc...? Even if you do put this girl (can't call her a woman) over the moon and she wants to spend her life with you, just be aware that it will likely always be something of a "threesome" - you, her, and her mom. Is that your real picture??? You look good. Probably other fish in the sea for you if necessary. Link to post Share on other sites
Author joseph Posted November 22, 2004 Author Share Posted November 22, 2004 thanks for the reply Solemate.. I think whats making me want a relationship with her after all of this is the fact that it was so good when it was just her and I, and we were doing our own thing and having fun..we were acting like a couple, it was great.. until the mother got involved..ruining my "g/f's"(if I can call her that) mood. you make a valid point though, I couldnt live like that, eventually once she commits, her mother would have to back off.. after all, she is 26...im only 22, maybe her mom doesnt like that im a young guy..who knows.. but regardless..she would have to back off. Link to post Share on other sites
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