Arranged Marriage Doomed/Complaints About Husband

[HowDoesThisWork]

I don't know who will read this post and what part of the world you will be from.. so my request is to please continue reading this post with an open mind and please be understanding.

 

Also, it's really long.

 

So my *hopefully* brief intro is that my parents are from Pakistan.. and we were a conservative household. I was not allowed to date boys and hang out with them when younger. Anyhow, they asked if i'd marry a family friend's son (A), which i agreed to (because i knew they would never accept it any other way), so i was 24 and they got me engaged. I got along fine with fiance, we never really spent time together before, so we got to know each other and he was a sweet guy but i didnt see myself being marriage to him but there was nothing i could do?

 

So moving on, somehow i met and fell in absolute love with this guy (B) in my mid 20s although all the while we were together i knew it was impossible for us to end up together and that we didnt have a future. Just want to add here that we were very physically compatible. Simply put, i enjoyed the you know what.

 

We (me and B) went out for a year and enough time had gone by for my wedding to happen soon which my fiance's dad suggested and my parents agreed (again, after asking me and getting my approval, nothing was ever FORCED on me).

 

The wedding happened.(Btw, in case it matters, when i was engaged, me and fiance lived in 2 different countries and i met the other guy where i lived, if that clarifies anything). I moved to where my husband was. We've been married almost 7 years now. The first 2 years i was in a major depression. Away from family and the guy that i *thought* i loved and couldn't live without. Found out later (2 years into my marriage) that (B) was with other girls at the time which i had no clue of, so.. i got over him pretty quickly after finding out B was always cheating on me. Poor husband, i hated him touching me, i dreaded him getting close to me and the sex.. he never said it but im sure i made life hell for him.

 

Those 2 years husband was sweet enough to help me through my bad phase.. he took my tantrums, upsets, tears, bitch fits etc.. until i was finally able to brush the dirt off and start anew.

 

Then, I decided i would *try* to give everything to my marriage, everything that husband deserved for everything i had put him through. I felt extreme guilt for those 2 years and even till this day that i cheated on him when we were engaged (it's a big deal with us people).

 

So the next 2-3 years were not bliss but they were normal.. i couldnt go out of my way for him because i didnt love him but i wasnt as difficult as before.. we were both working.. busy.. days were just going by and life was passing by. Those 3 years are kind of a blur. Nothing special or horrible happened.

 

Then 2 years ago i got pregnant with baby. During the pregnancy, he was excited as hell about baby coming but never really showed it. One time our cat pooped in the apartment which he threw a fit over, he went nuts (at the cat, not me). But it was upsetting me so i started crying uncontrollably and my blood pressure shot high. I was in pain that day from pregnancy and he didnt care or apologize for the yelling/screaming until later when we went to bed.

 

During the pregnancy he never showed interest in me, or the belly. He never once touched the belly to talk to baby and make plans and express what he was feeling.

 

After birth, my family and his family were over for about 4 months and i felt like we hardly ever got to see each other. With all those people around, he never gave me that "special" look ..like "hey, i miss you" (since there were so many people around and we never had quiet time to ourselves)

 

For the past year and half i have been voicing my complaint to him that he doesnt give me attention. He is always on his phone. When it's just us two and baby in the room, he would rather be on the phone on social n/w ****.. he never plays with baby. He gets home real late, many times baby is sleeping already or about to.. and he only has to spend half an hour with baby to start compaining and tells me to go put him to sleep. When im putting him to sleep, he goes out for a smoke. Comes back in to finish his beers, has his dinner and goes to sleep.

 

There is never he and me time. We work all day long. With work and baby, it's still ME who has to take care of the cleaning, dishes, laundry. I ask him to pick up after himself and he never bothers to. He never listens to me when im talking to him. Then he'll make me repeat myself and i'll get mad cuz i knew he wasnt paying attention the first time. He is always texting his friends. He gets home late enough as it is and we literally only get 2 hours to see each other, and those 2 hours he spends with his beer, smokes and social networks.

 

Why be married then? If he doesnt enjoy or want to enjoy my company or give me and baby company.. and rather be doing something else... why have that person in your life?

 

I have been thinking of divorce for over a year but the only thing that stops me is the whole arranged marriage thing, i dont want to let my parents down. The marriage is basically not between him n me, rather it's between the two families, his and mine.

 

But if i continue like this, i will lose my mind.

 

I get that i havent been a perfect/easy wife, but that's because i dont like being with him and i do not have feelings of love for him.. which is what makes me hate every little thing about him. Maybe if i married a guy i loved, his beer-drinking and smoking habit wouldnt get to me.

 

Also, he is very inconsiderate. I have asthma, and i've asked him many times that his smoking in the house triggers my asthma, and he has even seen me at my worst, but he still does it anyway.

 

I feel like i have to pay him back for the time he kept by me in the beginning.. but.. im killing my soul by staying in this marriage.

 

He does flirt a lot with other girls but i have confidence that he would never cheat on me unless i absolutely literally pushed him to.

 

He thinks he does me a favor by coming home to me every night.. like he always mentions that in our talks.. i so appreciate it.. but dont throw that in my face every time.. ur my husband, you're supposed to. Ur not doing me a favor.

 

We are not physically and mentally compatible. I feel he is very immature and unwilling to grow.. as a family... as an adult even though he is 10 years older than me.

 

All his friends are old so i dont like associating with them. I dont have any friends of my own since i moved here, it's not really my city.

 

He never takes an off day, it seems like he's more married to his work. Everytime he is off we know this one older couple.. who he always wants to go to and it has to be a sunday cuz that suits them better, when i complain that i dont want to go since i have to get up early monday, we have a fight. This is ongoing for many months now.

 

I can't even explain what im trying to say. I guess you wouldn't understand..

 

If i may seem like i'm depressed, don't suggest medication because i am against taking pills... sure they'll help but for how long? And when i stop taking them... what then?

[RavenWolf]

Is marriage counseling an option? Do either of you read? There are several good books out there that can be very helpful.

 

I'm sure he has to have a day or two off a week. Can you plan a family outing? Maybe a hike (depending on weather) or something where y'all could talk?

 

How about finding a sitter and going out to a nice dinner and talking?

 

Is divorce even an option?

 

Have you ever had feelings for him? If not, and you are that unhappy, you may want to consider it if marriage counseling is not a possibility.

[sabre80]

I am not familiar with the process or whats involved in an arranged marriage (being from a western culture). However from the way you describe it you were given the option of the marriage and that you could have said no. I read your post 2x and could not find any fault in this man. You even said during the first two years he was kind to you yet you treated him like ****.

 

I was married 9 years. I dumped so much emotion into loving that woman and got nothing back. Do you have any idea how it feels to get nothing reciprocated? Even by the time you "decided to try" you say "i couldnt go out of my way for him because i didnt love him". Add to the fact that you despised being touched by him. . . sure must have been a good ego boost for him there. Then you are mad that he didn't touch your belly. After 5 years he probably just gave up. He has no more to give you took it all and gave nothing back.

 

Come on do you really feel he should be swooning over you and meeting all your needs after years of pissing on his. You sound like a spoiled entitled little girl. If you seriously want his affection I am sorry but you are the one to have to put in the legwork on this one. Build something. Give him a reason to open back up to you.

[Els]

There comes a point in life, OP, when you realize that life is too precious to squander living for everyone else except yourself.

 

I think you know what you need to do (and hopefully, you would have learnt enough from this relationship to not repeat the crappy stuff you did in the initial stages - they probably wouldn't have made a difference in the case of this husband, but you need to not repeat them). What recourse do you have, in practical terms, should you choose to divorce? You mentioned that you work, so you would have an income. How about your legal rights and social consequences?