Women and men who claim they can't find a "good" person.

[sickpuppy]

Ever laugh to yourself and not bother nor feel sorry in the least for women OR men who claim they can't find a "good" person?

 

The reason those types can't "find" a good person is because they don't really want a good person. They only claim that to others because it's simply a weak sauce P.R. move for their image.

 

Ever wonder if those types ever get a clue after X number of "jerks" that the reason they keep "unwittingly attracting" those types is because THEY are a jerk themselves?

 

Why in God's name would any sane, good person (who has a clue) want to lower themselves to "save" or get involved with those types of people? Unless they were extremely insecure and desperate.

[Woggle]

Deep down they are attracted to the very things they claim to be sick of.

[sickpuppy]

Deep down they are attracted to the very things they claim to be sick of.

 

 

You ain't kidding. lol. It's like: "Cool story bro!" I ever hear someone talk like that I take that as a big red flag and bounce faster than they can finish their "complaint" sentence.

[heartshaped]

I think some people just are terrible at picking significant others. One of my best friends is like that. Every man she meets starts out wonderful, but then turns out to be horrid. There are always red flags in the beginning, but she always seems to miss or ignore them probably because she gets so invested emotionally very early on in her relationships.

 

Then, I think some people just make others out to be "bad" people when they break up or that person hurts them. Just because someone doesn't want to be with you or hurt you in some way does not make them "bad".

 

Other people I think just are attracted to that sort of thing for whatever reason whether they realize it or not; either they are like that themselves, think they can "fix" the person, or are turned on by "bad" boys/girls etc.

 

Perhaps, a combination in some cases.

[sickpuppy]

I think some people just are terrible at picking significant others. One of my best friends is like that. Every man she meets starts out wonderful, but then turns out to be horrid. There are always red flags in the beginning, but she always seems to miss or ignore them probably because she gets so invested emotionally very early on in her relationships.

 

Then, I think some people just make others out to be "bad" people when they break up or that person hurts them. Just because someone doesn't want to be with you or hurt you in some way does not make them "bad".

 

Other people I think just are attracted to that sort of thing for whatever reason whether they realize it or not; either they are like that themselves, think they can "fix" the person, or are turned on by "bad" boys/girls etc.

 

Perhaps, a combination in some cases.

 

After a while if everyone else is "bad" even if they are good those people need to get a clue that they are the problem.

 

Self-reflection and correction is sorely lacking these days. Denying, justifying and finger pointing are the norm.

 

I'll look back on things and see if I screwed up at times and try to correct them and not dwell on them.

 

If someone needs another to be their psychiatrist and or "savior" it's best to simply leave for your own mental health. Those types will only drag you down.

 

I would never take it as "failure" in myself of being a good person who couldn't help/fix someone. I've learned once it's a waste of my time. I've learned I simply cannot control people so we just go our own ways.

Edited September 11, 2013 by sickpuppy

[Keenly]

Your explanation certainly doesn't apply to everyone.

[KatZee]

And tons of guys are just great BS artists...

 

You can't sit here and make a thread and say, "Oh all people who whine about not being able to find 'good people' are just picking idiots and I don't feel sorry for them."

 

Guys I've dated have started out REAL well. No red flags, it appeared to be great connection, laughs, conversation, mutual interests, many dates, daily communication, what appeared to be interest from the guy, respect, caring etc etc...

 

And then out of no where after all it seems they've "invested" they just go, "POOF!" and they turn out to be not what you thought they were at all.

 

Tons of people have great game, and even the best at sniffing out this stuff can be fooled.

 

I'm one of these women. I have yet to be in one "great" relationship. I also don't sit and whine about it, I've just accepted it for what it is. I would love to meet a guy who wanted to have a real, and serious relationship with me. Unfortunately, most guys in NYC don't hold that same mentality.

[Woggle]

And tons of guys are just great BS artists...

 

You can't sit here and make a thread and say, "Oh all people who whine about not being able to find 'good people' are just picking idiots and I don't feel sorry for them."

 

Guys I've dated have started out REAL well. No red flags, it appeared to be great connection, laughs, conversation, mutual interests, many dates, daily communication, what appeared to be interest from the guy, respect, caring etc etc...

 

And then out of no where after all it seems they've "invested" they just go, "POOF!" and they turn out to be not what you thought they were at all.

 

Tons of people have great game, and even the best at sniffing out this stuff can be fooled.

 

I'm one of these women. I have yet to be in one "great" relationship. I also don't sit and whine about it, I've just accepted it for what it is. I would love to meet a guy who wanted to have a real, and serious relationship with me. Unfortunately, most guys in NYC don't hold that same mentality.

 

 

Then how come when these same people happen to meet a genuinely good partner they catch GIGS and want to run the other way? Why does this happen so often?

 

I made a thread about a coworker who bugs me about her relationship problems and as much she claims to hate the drama nothing seems to light her up more than when they are fighting.

[Leigh 87]

Woggle - people get gigs because they are probably not IN love with a partner, yet it is so hard just to find a nice guy so the girl stays with them.

 

There are SO many liars out there Woggle. Men who act like they are really into you, only to one day totally change for the worst. Sadly, for women like Katzee, it is after months or even years investment in the guy.

 

There ARE nice guys and girls out there! What is near impossible to find, however, is someone who is not only a NICE person, but also: you're not repulsed by, who you're compatible with, who has a personality you like AND who you have actual romantic feelings towards.

 

To fall in love, you need MORE than attraction and compatibility! You need something about that person. You cannot force romantic feelings.

 

THAT is why people get gigs mostly, in my opinion! They finally get sick of people they feel "it" with and have romantic feelings for, treating them badly, and therefore they try to settle for a person they are attracted to and who they love to be around. Even though they lack strong romantic feelings and they cannot fall IN love with them.

 

Look. It is easy enough to meet a person who is a nice guy or girl.

 

It is not EASY for that nice guy or girl to be people you have the capacity to develop strong romantic feelings for.

 

I am constantly meeting guys who are nice, and who think I am nice! Where we have STRONG mutual attraction and love each others personalities. The thing is, we cannot fall in love in spite of all of this..

 

Insofar as the statement " I cannot find any nice guys or girls" is concerned? That is a huge turn off, and anyone who sits around complaining openly about it to anyone besides their close friends or family, should no better; it IS very obviously a turn OFF when people talk negatively about anything when you first meet and date.

 

I get why people complain! Some people come across liar after liar. Who SEEM nice initially.

 

People like Katzee are refreshing, as they know better then to sit around and complain about there being no nice guys out there, to her dates. She has better social skills than that.

[Woggle]

Leight87 I would be able to buy that if I didn't see so many people who twist themselves into knots over jerks but then can't seem to develop feelings for the good ones. There are some people who really do seem to be attracted to people who are unavailable or bad for them in some way even if it is on a subconcious level. It is not just a coincidence that the only people some feel the spark with just happen to be unavailable or not good partners.

[Simon Phoenix]

A lot of people have sh*t-tier screening processes. It happens. But I do laugh at the ones who do complain about "not finding nice guys/girls" then go out and date the exact thing they claim to hate. No one is perfect and we've all chosen poorly, but the ones that complain about it suck.

[Titania22]

The word "good" is a generic term, probably all the people saying those things, define a "good person" or "good partner" in very different ways.

 

For me a "good man" would be one that does NOT tell me how I should live my life or what decisions I should be making. (I am an adult and capable of making my own life decisions.)

 

For my daughter a "good man" would be one that makes an effort to be romantic. That's not to say that her boyfriend is in any way a "bad" guy, but rather he makes no effort in their relationship.

 

I suggest that when people claim they can't find a "good person", they are saying they can't find a "compatible" person, someone who is both good and willing and capable of fulfilling their personal relationship need.

[KatZee]

Then how come when these same people happen to meet a genuinely good partner they catch GIGS and want to run the other way? Why does this happen so often?

 

I made a thread about a coworker who bugs me about her relationship problems and as much she claims to hate the drama nothing seems to light her up more than when they are fighting.

 

These types of people are commitment phobic themselves and they most likely don't even realize it. These are the people who are more attracted to the "bad boy" who only gives out scraps. When they finally meet the "nice person" they just aren't as attracted to them. They fear being hurt, and really settling down, so they'd rather stick to people they know won't work long term.

 

Fighting at the root is still passion. Some people love passionate relationships. Passion in anger, can be passion in bed. Some people like the drama and the exhilaration of it all; instead of the boring and monotonous daily, predictable routine.

[KathyM]

I think there are a lot of messed up people in the world who don't have the skills to be in a relationship. I think it happens a lot where a person has to go through many relationships to find someone who is relationship quality. It's not necessarily a reflection on that person that it takes awhile to find a "good" person. Some are lucky and find the right one early on. And for others, they will have to weed through a lot of frogs before finding a relationship quality person. Then there are those who are attracted to the messed up people of the world because they have a strong desire to fix the person, usually because they themselves are broken or they had a parent who was broken, and that is the way they work through their own issues, by trying to rescue someone else. Of course, it really doesn't work to try to fix someone else, and when they realize they can't fix him, they complain that there are no good men or good women in the world. It's because those they are attracted to are those who are broken. So there can be two reasons why people may claim they can't find a "good" person. Either they just haven't found one yet through no fault of their own (a lot of messed up people out there), or they are attracted to the fixer uppers because of their own issues, and then have a string of failed relationships because they keep chosing people that are messed up.

[mercuryshadow]

Simple: In order to FIND a good person, you have to BE a good person. Period.

[Woggle]

These types of people are commitment phobic themselves and they most likely don't even realize it. These are the people who are more attracted to the "bad boy" who only gives out scraps. When they finally meet the "nice person" they just aren't as attracted to them. They fear being hurt, and really settling down, so they'd rather stick to people they know won't work long term.

 

Fighting at the root is still passion. Some people love passionate relationships. Passion in anger, can be passion in bed. Some people like the drama and the exhilaration of it all; instead of the boring and monotonous daily, predictable routine.

 

I fully agree with your first part but why don't they just admit that instead of claiming there are no good members of the opposite sex?

 

I don't want a boring life either but what some people don't get is that drama and excitement are not synonymous.

[KatZee]

I fully agree with your first part but why don't they just admit that instead of claiming there are no good members of the opposite sex?

 

I don't want a boring life either but what some people don't get is that drama and excitement are not synonymous.

 

Because I wrote in my post that they most likely don't even know they are commitment phobic. All they know is that they aren't attracted to the nice guys and continue going for the bad boys.

 

They may subconsciously always sabotage something that seems to be going well. It's not always conscious thoughts.

 

A lot of CP's know they are this way and they choose to date other CP's. They know they will never have the ability to settle so they choose other people who act the same way. There was a whole forum of CP's talking and they were very bluntly like: "RUN AWAY from ALL of us. All we will do is hurt you. It's not our intention, we are not all bad people, but this is inevitably what happens."

 

Someone else said it here, a lot of people get into relationships with these "bad people" and CP's looking to fix them, looking to "make them" feel love, and to "make them" fully commit. Then that person wakes up years later and wonders why they still aren't being loved the way they want, and they feel gipped that they invested years when the CP barely even gave scraps.

 

People who stay in unhealthy relationships, who compromise their own values and desires, and who then go on to complain about it have their own fundamental issues and problems to deal with. No emotionally healthy person is going to spend months/years with a CP. They would recognize the futility of it, and get out.

[sickpuppy]

Then there are those who are attracted to the messed up people of the world because they have a strong desire to fix the person, usually because they themselves are broken or they had a parent who was broken, and that is the way they work through their own issues, by trying to rescue someone else. Of course, it really doesn't work to try to fix someone else, and when they realize they can't fix him, they complain that there are no good men or good women in the world. It's because those they are attracted to are those who are broken.

 

So there can be two reasons why people may claim they can't find a "good" person. Either they just haven't found one yet through no fault of their own (a lot of messed up people out there), or they are attracted to the fixer uppers because of their own issues, and then have a string of failed relationships because they keep chosing people that are messed up.

 

 

This part of your post is very good.

 

These same types are trying to "solve" their own issues by finding a "fixer upper" who's "compatible" with them in order to feel some sense of accomplishment when they really should be working on their own issues and then finding someone who is a complete person and compatible with them once the original person has resolved their own personal issues.

 

Unfortunately a lot of people don't use self reflection and live through others then blame those types for their "problems".

[El Brujo]

Simple: In order to FIND a good person, you have to BE a good person. Period.

 

Truer words were never spoken.

 

I don't really believe people who can have the hots for just anyone of the opposite sex are that common; the problem is, most people haven't figured out what traits they want in a partner.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

Ever laugh to yourself and not bother nor feel sorry in the least for women OR men who claim they can't find a "good" person?

 

The reason those types can't "find" a good person is because they don't really want a good person. They only claim that to others because it's simply a weak sauce P.R. move for their image.

 

Ever wonder if those types ever get a clue after X number of "jerks" that the reason they keep "unwittingly attracting" those types is because THEY are a jerk themselves?

 

Why in God's name would any sane, good person (who has a clue) want to lower themselves to "save" or get involved with those types of people? Unless they were extremely insecure and desperate.

 

 

Yes, I laugh.

 

 

And these same people pad the divorce statistics so that could-be intelligent people cite "50% of marriages end in divorce" as reason not to pursue marriage. In reality, while that number is approximately accurate, it is these same usually no-good people who are marrying and divorcing 4 and 5 times, thinking nothing of it, while Mrs. Smith down the street marries only once, for 54 years, and who, by herself, just can't do anything to dent the statistics.

 

 

Then a bunch of people on Loveshack get the raw data from the news, and keep using that "50% of marriages end in divorce" data as if it really means something in intelligent circles.

 

So yeah, all you can do is laugh...

[El Brujo]

I don't let it get me down.

 

I take comfort in knowing that if and when I get tired of the game, I have a way of stepping away from the table---permanently. >:-)