BettyBoo Posted November 19, 2004 Share Posted November 19, 2004 I am just throwingt his question out there. Why do we (women mainly) want to get married? What is it about marriage that appeals to us and that we spend much of our emotional energy in thinking about it? I am asking this as recently my friend and I were discussing how much time over the last 14 years of our friendship has been spent discussing men, realtionship, hopes for marriage etc. Don't get me wrong I have an excellent career and a busy social life but I am intrigued that despite all of this I too would like to get married. Not live with someone but do the whole old fashioned thingy. So tell me why is getting married important to you or is it? IS there anyone else out there who is hoping for the SO to pop the question? Link to post Share on other sites
Queen B Posted November 19, 2004 Share Posted November 19, 2004 I've only been with my Bf for about a year and I'm praying to god he doesn't aks me anytime soon!!!! To tell the truth the thought of marriage terrifies me...maybe because It seems like all my married friends are very unhappy or because I look at half the postings on here about marriages gond wron and I think "do I really want to go through all that!?!?!" Maybe I just haven't met "the one"...who knows... Link to post Share on other sites
EnigmaXOXO Posted November 19, 2004 Share Posted November 19, 2004 Been there. Done that. Personally, I found it WAY overrated. However, my experience hasn't left me totally opposed to the institute of marriage. On the contrary, I think it's great for those who want to have children and start a family. Or for those who have traditional family values they wish to uphold. And for some people I suppose it makes them feel more secure with their relationship just knowing their partner was willing to solidify their commitment legally and declare their union before family and friends. For me personally, I find more comfort in knowing that my partner and I are together because we want to be rather than because we are shackled at the ankles by legal and financial obligations. It's hard to explain - but removing all the pomp and circumstance (for us) has left us freer to focus more on our "relationship" rather than matrimonial obligations. Neither one of us are commitment "phobics." As a matter of fact, we've been together for five years and are as dedicated and loyal to each other as any married couple could be. Quite frankly, we've lasted longer than most marriages these days! Our motto: Why fix what ain't broke? Of course, it helps when both partners in a relationship feel the same way and share the same philosophy. I imagine it would be difficult if one partner wanted to get married and the other one didn't. My only concern for folks in this situation is that sometimes someone wants to be married so bad, that it becomes their ONLY focus. They miss out on the simple joy of just being together and end up destroying a perfectly good relationship because of it. You may never find anyone as good as the one you've already got, and "marriage" never guarantees that we get to live happily ever after. Link to post Share on other sites
Naive Posted November 19, 2004 Share Posted November 19, 2004 for the dress.....definitely the dress. I already have mines picked out and I don't have a fiance!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
tattoomytoe Posted November 19, 2004 Share Posted November 19, 2004 the dress, being queen for the day, having all your friends party with you, and your realtives. and most of us grew up learning when you get older you get married, it is just what you do. unfortunatley that means people get hitched so as not to feel like a reject- "what! you have never been married? is there something wrong with you?" i just like the first part. Link to post Share on other sites
tiki Posted November 19, 2004 Share Posted November 19, 2004 Gifts. Lots of them. Link to post Share on other sites
binturong Posted November 19, 2004 Share Posted November 19, 2004 I like the forever aspect of being married. I know you can have that without being married, but I also want the legal protection that if I merged all my assets with his, I can get my half back if we end up divorcing. I guess you could say it makes me feel more secure...not in our relationship, necessarily, because I was very happy when we were just BF/GF and living together, but in that I know that there are rules and laws that govern a marriage that would not apply to just a BF/GF relationship. Like I want to know that if something were to happen to me, he would be able to tell the hospital that they can operate, etc. My family is 500 miles away. Also, I think there's a feeling of it being permanent. There will be no breaking up in the heat of the moment. The fact that you'd have to go through the process of divorce makes you think more carefully about it. And we can't forget the whole starting a family part...I will not have kids outside of marriage and I want to have the same last name as my children. Link to post Share on other sites
red4kat Posted November 19, 2004 Share Posted November 19, 2004 I think it's our instinct mainly. When I think of marriage, I don't think of dress, huge wedding, cakes, gifts, etc... I think of my future children. It's also makes a big difference how old are you. Women are designed by nature to want children. There are exceptions of course but in general we all want kids. And of course it's our goal and mother instinct to provide a healthy family for a child. But when this instinct hits you for real, it's just about as strong as survival instinct. I don't think I would be so eager to get married if I was over 45 and single. I wasn't in my early 20s. Link to post Share on other sites
savethedrama4allama Posted November 19, 2004 Share Posted November 19, 2004 To be honest, the only part of it that I find appealing at this time is that my boyfriend is willing to make that kind of commitment. (I'm not saying he is, but theoretically.) I would find it very heartwarming to know that he is willing to proclaim his love, forsake others, and build a life with me. In reality, I'm not interested. I don't want to share a closet, stress over a guest list, and deal with all the compromise that is required in marriage. Been there! I hope I do not get a proposal from my current boyfriend because I'd have to say no and that would surely do some damage to our relationship. My opinion may change over time, but right now living together or getting married is not appealing. Link to post Share on other sites
binturong Posted November 19, 2004 Share Posted November 19, 2004 We don't share a closet. I have my own room for all my hobbies and I use the closet in there for my clothes. I get up a lot earlier than my husband, so this way I can get ready in the morning without waking him up. Link to post Share on other sites
tattoomytoe Posted November 19, 2004 Share Posted November 19, 2004 some people just want sex. Link to post Share on other sites
Naive Posted November 19, 2004 Share Posted November 19, 2004 Originally posted by tattoomytoe some people just want sex. That's sad!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Barby Posted November 19, 2004 Share Posted November 19, 2004 I think it's the "security" like you trick yourself into thinking once that ring is on our finger, the vowels are stated that everything will be happy ever after! Like the ring makes it all good, like an invisible chain that keeps us binded and keeps the man in line. Though this is how it should be, often it's exactly the oposite, they treat us well in a relationship but once in a marriage, once they "have" you they slack off....though not always true seems to be more and more so nowdays! I too don't want to re-marry again soon...Oscar (my BF) has asked me 2 and both times I feel put on the spot, I can't tell him no but I've told him we need to wait awhile. I guess the thought of marriage makes me feel trapped...like if it goes bad it's harder to end than a relationship.... I flip flop on my marriage again views sometimes but I know I'm waiting until I'm older before marrying again (we're 24) Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted November 19, 2004 Share Posted November 19, 2004 I always assumed marriage was the "next step". Now that I've been married I'll never do it again. My Dad was telling me yesterday on teh way home (I carpool with my parents, how cheesy) that he knew lots of couples on the base before he retired who lived together for years, got married, then got divorced a year later. One couple had been together 12 years! My ex-BF's parents were like that. They lived together for 10 years, his mom got preggo and they got married, a year later they divorced. It must be the change in unconscious expectations. Link to post Share on other sites
Leikela Posted November 19, 2004 Share Posted November 19, 2004 I think marriage is more ideal for young people. You fall in love, get married, buy a house and have children. I think when people get old and have already done the marriage thing, had their kids, and it didn't work out, it's more ideal to just have a steady companion. Marriage isn't really neccesary when you're older. That's just my take on it. Link to post Share on other sites
imjustagirl Posted November 19, 2004 Share Posted November 19, 2004 That would explain why me and my lil bro never had a "daddy"....we had several live ins that yelled at us like they were family.....ugh....... My thought, if you want companionship and you have kids living at home...don't invite someone in to live with you knowing that your "love" doesn't like children..... Sorry, just a lil bitter, just got off the phone w/ mom, who once again, is bringing "someone for thanksgiving"......yet, no mention of him in the past month, and he's living there already...my mom's such a slut! My li bro whose 16 says he doesn't even know his name, just sits on the couch and watches tv....my mom dates such wonderful losers! If I had the money, my lil bro would be living w/ me in a heartbeat....that'd stop the biological clock from ticking i'm 100% sure! ~justa~ Link to post Share on other sites
HokeyReligions Posted November 19, 2004 Share Posted November 19, 2004 What about getting married is so appealing? Well, it got my mother to shut up and leave me alone! That was a BIG plus! Link to post Share on other sites
red4kat Posted November 19, 2004 Share Posted November 19, 2004 Originally posted by Leikela I think marriage is more ideal for young people. You fall in love, get married, buy a house and have children. I think when people get old and have already done the marriage thing, had their kids, and it didn't work out, it's more ideal to just have a steady companion. Marriage isn't really neccesary when you're older. That's just my take on it. I would agree with you on that, but if you still don't have children and are nearing 30 then it's just the opposite. You become desperate to get married... *Sigh* maybe I should just say, ah screw them all men... get pregnant, kick my boyfreind out to the curve (unless he wants to be part of it of course) and just raise a child on my own. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted November 20, 2004 Share Posted November 20, 2004 Well, I've been there, done that, and I'd do it again if a fellow dear to my heart really wanted to. The lesson from all the posts above is to not do it if you're not wholeheartedly committed to it. If you're afraid you can't back out or fear you'll be 'tied down' then absolutely don't do it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author BettyBoo Posted November 20, 2004 Author Share Posted November 20, 2004 I suppose one of the problems or advantages we have now is SO much choice We don't have to get married we can live together or live apart and have a serious long term relationship. But when children are involved it certainly puts a whole different perspective on it. I agree that the dress, the BIG day, the flowers and all the good wishes of friends and family are appealing but then thats just for the wedding. What about the marriage thats suppose to last forever? Is marriage dead or is it still an institution that serves us well. Is it really just a piece of paper ir something more significant and sacred than that? Link to post Share on other sites
johan Posted November 20, 2004 Share Posted November 20, 2004 I've been thinking about this. Here's my idealistic opinion: You can live without marriage just fine, but that gets you off the hook from dealing with a lot of your problems. You never have to compromise or give up on your own selfish habits. I have a LOT of respect for people who can keep a marriage together over decades. I think it's a sign of great character for someone to stay married for a long time, especially if love and respect and humor are always there. I aspire to be the kind of guy who could keep a marriage going for a lifetime, although I may never be lucky enough meet someone who wants that with me. I know marriage is just a human invention to solve problems that don't exist so much anymore. But I still think being married and staying married is one of the greatest accomplishments you can hope to achieve in life. Link to post Share on other sites
Thinkalot Posted November 21, 2004 Share Posted November 21, 2004 Originally posted by johan I know marriage is just a human invention to solve problems that don't exist so much anymore. But I still think being married and staying married is one of the greatest accomplishments you can hope to achieve in life. Ditto Johan. Link to post Share on other sites
meanon Posted November 21, 2004 Share Posted November 21, 2004 Getting married was never a big deal for me but knowing that we felt the same was, that we expected to love each other forever. I think it's so attractive for many partly because it's a milestone we are expected to achieve in our life (it is thought of as an accomplishment) and because people in love want to tell the world, to formalise their committment to each other. Marriage is not dead but it's less popular than it was and, sadly for many of us, it's not forever. That will not stop people aiming for that, and quite right too. That's the nature of love and some manage it. I doubt those that do not last the distance would have been any less sad if they were unmarried when the break up occured. Link to post Share on other sites
Thinkalot Posted November 21, 2004 Share Posted November 21, 2004 Originally posted by meanon I doubt those that do not last the distance would have been any less sad if they were unmarried when the break up occured. That's true. It depends on the expectations and hopes...and often these are the same married, or unmarried I guess. Link to post Share on other sites
Audrey1 Posted January 21, 2005 Share Posted January 21, 2005 I guess they say you are a product of you're surroundings. I have those parents that have been married for 40 years and are just so happy. They have so much love and respect for each other. They are each other's best friends. They are inseparable. And after all those years they still flirt with each other. So I guess I always wanted to find that for myself. The idea of finding that person who just enjoy so much that you want to spend every aspect of your life with them seems like the greatest thing ever. I don't see it as a legal document. I see it as a sacred to promise you make to yourself, you partner and to god(whomever you deem that to be) I can't wait to get married. Link to post Share on other sites
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