Girls: boyfriend hanging out with other girls?

[Els]

It's your relationship, not anyone else's, so if she's fine with it, all's good.

 

One caveat though, she may expect the same point of view from you if a male friend of hers comes to town. Will you be okay with that? If you aren't, perhaps a conversation about boundaries might be best.

[The Way I Am]

Now I am confused. She sounded like she didn't care at all. Should I still meet up with my friend?

 

If she's okay with it, then it's okay to do what you're doing. If she's not really okay with it or changes her mind later, then that's on her.

 

But like Elswyth said, you better also be okay with her doing the same with another guy. If you're not, you should bring that up now or that's on you.

[giblesp]

If you're trustworthy and she trusts you, then there is no problem. Also, you're female friend should always respect the fact that you're in a relationship.

[Emilia]

Now I am confused. She sounded like she didn't care at all. Should I still meet up with my friend?

Maybe she thinks the same way as Philosoraptor does and I do. I either trust someone implicitly or not interested the slightest in being in a relationship with him. If I trust him, I don't want caveats such as: 'oh you can do that but only if you don't get further than this' or 'yes hanging out with that person is fine but only if you don't drink too much' etc etc. You either trust someone or you don't. I would never lower myself to try to control them and impose my boundaries. If I had to do that to an adult I would lose interest.

[Eclypse]

Ya, but thats how it starts.

 

So you for a walk and out for ice cream with another girl. Would you do that with another guy? Going for a walk and getting ice cream? No, there isn't anything wrong with that. But the point is if there are things you would do with a girl friend that you wouldn't do with a guy friend, then why?

 

And I would think hanging out at another girl's place alone wouldn't really fair well with a gf. You gf may say she is ok with it, but don't think it doesn't throw up a red flag. Your gf probably didn't want to start an argument.

 

And if you think it might look bad, then there is a reason for it.

 

Possibly, although she usually lets me know when she doesn't like something I've done. She's pretty chill when it comes to me doing stuff with female friends. She trusts me. Although I have had girls come onto me when they knew I had a gf :|

 

I do agree that there are things you do with a girlfriend you don't do with other friends. That's what separates the two. I just didnt think hanging out in a room alone was part of that too. Although I can see how mutual attraction would make this an easy situation to cheat in.

 

Anyway, it's interesting to see the split here. Some are ok with their partners being quite close with members of the opposite sex. Others are quite against it. I don't mind her having male friends, but I wouldn't like for her to be too touchy feely with them.

[Eclypse]

Maybe she thinks the same way as Philosoraptor does and I do. I either trust someone implicitly or not interested the slightest in being in a relationship with him. If I trust him, I don't want caveats such as: 'oh you can do that but only if you don't get further than this' or 'yes hanging out with that person is fine but only if you don't drink too much' etc etc. You either trust someone or you don't. I would never lower myself to try to control them and impose my boundaries. If I had to do that to an adult I would lose interest.

 

Also true. Someone will cheat whether or not the other person places restrictions on them if they truly wanted to :|

[damien201]

I really don't think you should have brought this up with her the way that you did.

[Eclypse]

As I said, the fact that you thought it might not look good, there is a reason for that.

 

Out of curiosity, and I suppose for argument as well, what would you do if your gf said she is going over to a male friends house to drink beer and watch a movie?

 

And I don't mind a gf of mine having good male friends. But there are just certain situations you don't put yourself in with an opposite sex friend when you have a committed partner. And if someone thinks I'm wrong about that, then the same people that think I'm wrong shouldn't have a problem with their partners doing things with opposite sex friends that they'd do with same sex friends, like go out of town alone with them on a weekend to go to Vegas and such. Afterall, if we are talking about friends here, and I'm wrong, then anything goes, right?

 

I don't mind her having friendships with other guys. Or even close friendships. I trust her, but I don't think I'd trust the other guys. I know myself, I won't make a move on this girl or any other. She'd never cheat on me either. She's not that kind of person again.

 

I mentioned it to her again while with her on the weekend and she just laughed and said she didn't care what I did as long as long as I didn't have sex with other girls. I take her words at face value but I'll reconsider my actions next time.

[nomadic_butterfly]

Hmmm...I've had terrible experiences with this multiple times but I have male friends so I can't say I am automatically against it but some things I would like to know beforehand is:

 

1. Can I meet her?

My first love ended up dating this girl he was just "hanging out with" A WEEK AFTER OUR BREAKUP! I predicted she would be his next cause when I met her, she would BARELY MAKE EYE CONTACT WITH ME and seemed a bit uneasy. There's more but the point is I need to meet her as I have good judgement of character to see if I think there might be tricks up her sleeve and I need to see how the two interact.

 

2. I might suggest a double date! One of my besties is a guy and whenever I am in town I meet up with both him and his gf. We do 1 on 1 time but mainly at his mom's house and she's usually around. I love his gf to bits.

 

3. Do they have romantic/sexual history and/or has she/he ever expressed interest in him/her explicitly or implicitly? If yes HEC NO they cannot hang out.

 

4. Will he still talk to me on the phone while in her presence? If not, then NO I don't like that because it is suspicious.

 

5. How often are the two hanging out? If its weekly yes I have a problem with that. If you are friends you already have some common ground and if there is attraction there then excessive time eventually may lead to intimate feelings.

 

6. Does he tell her our issues when we have them? If so NO I am not comfortable with them hanging out. I don't like the whole telling the opposite sex all of your relationship problems except the occasional "from the opposite sex's perspective" inquiry.

 

7. Who is paying for whom? YES I'd have a problem if they are going out on what seems like a date and he is paying for her as if he's courting her. They'd better be going dutch :-)

 

8. Have I ever heard about her? If no, I'd feel a bit weird about you suddenly meeting up with a chick that you never ever mentioned before.

 

If they are going in bedrooms and all that jazz I am uncomfortable with that for sure!

 

 

 

A friend of mine (a girl) whom I hadn't seen one on one for a while asked to meet up to hang out. I went to her place and we spent a few hours hanging out in her room talking and catching up. We went for a walk afterwards around the neighbourhood and I showed her my new car. We then went for a drive to an ice cream shop and I got us some ice cream.

 

I told my gf I'd be hanging out with my female friend and she said she was fine with it. But it just occurred to me if I tell her what we did it might look wrong, even though we didnt do anything. Girls would you be ok with your bf hanging out at another girls house and going out for sweets? It just never occurred to me today, but reading LS always gets me paranoid :|

Edited September 18, 2013 by nomadic_butterfly

[IAmRobot]

Depends on what kind of boundaries / relationship you have with your gf.

 

I.e. Tables reversed - would you be OK with her hanging out at her guyfriend's room, then going for a walk then getting ice cream?

[Eclypse]

Hmmm...I've had terrible experiences with this multiple times but I have male friends so I can't say I am automatically against it but some things I would like to know beforehand is:

 

1. Can I meet her?

My first love ended up dating this girl he was just "hanging out with" A WEEK AFTER OUR BREAKUP! I predicted she would be his next cause when I met her, she would BARELY MAKE EYE CONTACT WITH ME and seemed a bit uneasy. There's more but the point is I need to meet her as I have good judgement of character to see if I think there might be tricks up her sleeve and I need to see how the two interact.

 

2. I might suggest a double date! One of my besties is a guy and whenever I am in town I meet up with both him and his gf. We do 1 on 1 time but mainly at his mom's house and she's usually around. I love his gf to bits.

 

3. Do they have romantic/sexual history and/or has she/he ever expressed interest in him/her explicitly or implicitly? If yes HEC NO they cannot hang out.

 

4. Will he still talk to me on the phone while in her presence? If not, then NO I don't like that because it is suspicious.

 

5. How often are the two hanging out? If its weekly yes I have a problem with that. If you are friends you already have some common ground and if there is attraction there then excessive time eventually may lead to intimate feelings.

 

6. Does he tell her our issues when we have them? If so NO I am not comfortable with them hanging out. I don't like the whole telling the opposite sex all of your relationship problems except the occasional "from the opposite sex's perspective" inquiry.

 

7. Who is paying for whom? YES I'd have a problem if they are going out on what seems like a date and he is paying for her as if he's courting her. They'd better be going dutch :-)

 

8. Have I ever heard about her? If no, I'd feel a bit weird about you suddenly meeting up with a chick that you never ever mentioned before.

 

If they are going in bedrooms and all that jazz I am uncomfortable with that for sure!

 

 

1) Sure you can meet her! My girlfriend knows this girl (albeit not too well). I have no intention of shopping around for a new gf. I told my gf I'd've seeing this girl and she said she was ok with it.

 

2) That sounds like a really good idea, except this girl is single (I know how this is gonna look). Perhaps in the future although I enjoy some time alone to catch up on how our lives are.

 

3) Gulp, yes I was interested in her a lot at one stage and wanted us to be together. But she's two years younger and didn't see me in a romantic way at the time. I moved on and I can only assume she did too.

 

4) Sure I'd be ok, although she didn't call while I was with my friend. I don't think id want to have long phone conversations while in the presence of any friends though.

 

5) I understand what you mean. I haven't seen this girl in quite a while. We used to meet up in university a lot, but haven't had a chance since I graduated last year. There was some minor flirting back then I believe although I'm clueless at these things (and certainly nothing that led to anything else).

 

6) No I didn't tell my friend about any of our issues! Actually we only mentioned my gf briefly in passing.

 

7) I paid for us. I dunno I guess it felt right since I have a job and she's still a student. Also she told me he forgot her bag with money at home.

 

8) Same as number 1, although I don't really talk about my friend with my gf too often!

 

Thanks for your thoughtful response

[aussietigerwolf]

But its NOT disrespectful if your girlfriend goes out and dances with a stranger on ladies night ? Grinding her ass all over his hips?

 

that's disrespectful too...

[Eclypse]

I see that is a question you really don't want to answer.

 

Again, how you would feel if your gf wanted to go to a male friend's place, drink and watch movies. And I'll add, crash there.

 

That would be ok with you?

 

Sorry I only had little time this morning to answer. No I wouldn't feel comfortable with her doing that. I didn't do anything like that. I didn't drink with my friend and I certainly didn't "crash" there. It's completely different to what I was doing.

[Els]

Sorry I only had little time this morning to answer. No I wouldn't feel comfortable with her doing that. I didn't do anything like that. I didn't drink with my friend and I certainly didn't "crash" there. It's completely different to what I was doing.

 

IMO, as long as you hold her and yourself to the same standards - and more importantly, both of you agree on those standards, you're all good.

[piggyoink]

Some people like being confined i guess

[jimmytwowheels]

This is a really interesting topic. Many of the infidelity threads could be prevented in my opinion if people would exercise a little more care with boundaries. All people feel differently though - clearly some couples don't care if significant others are hanging out in the bedrooms of friends of the opposite sex.

 

There's no right or wrong answer, but I do believe that couples who get serious should have a conversation about boundaries, and what they expect in terms of behaviour. My SO and I had one early on, as I felt that she had violated my expectations at a party. However, she didn't at that point know what my expectations were, so I quickly cooled down and just explained how I felt. And she told me what she expected.

 

More importantly then what she expects of me, I have my own boundaries. I'm not going to hang out in another girls bedroom even if she's ok with it. It's an optics thing. Further to that, what if she came onto you and you had to remove her? It just makes more sense to me to protect yourself in ADVANCE by not putting yourself in situations that will test you.

 

That said, I have a friend who is a girl, who I've known for 22 years. I grew up with her, and she's family to me. I spent a night at her place while travelling, and there was no problem. But she's also in a committed relationship and as I said - we're family.

 

Your gf might be ok with what you did, but I think you know it's a bit off. You had a crush on this girl, she might have flirted with you... is it worth the risk, even if the risk is miniscule?

[Els]

 

More importantly then what she expects of me, I have my own boundaries. I'm not going to hang out in another girls bedroom even if she's ok with it. It's an optics thing.

 

Correct, but that doesn't mean the OP needs to share the exact same boundaries as you, yes?

[nomadic_butterfly]

This is a really interesting topic. Many of the infidelity threads could be prevented in my opinion if people would exercise a little more care with boundaries. All people feel differently though - clearly some couples don't care if significant others are hanging out in the bedrooms of friends of the opposite sex.

 

There's no right or wrong answer, but I do believe that couples who get serious should have a conversation about boundaries, and what they expect in terms of behaviour. My SO and I had one early on, as I felt that she had violated my expectations at a party. However, she didn't at that point know what my expectations were, so I quickly cooled down and just explained how I felt. And she told me what she expected.

 

More importantly then what she expects of me, I have my own boundaries. I'm not going to hang out in another girls bedroom even if she's ok with it. It's an optics thing. Further to that, what if she came onto you and you had to remove her? It just makes more sense to me to protect yourself in ADVANCE by not putting yourself in situations that will test you.

 

That said, I have a friend who is a girl, who I've known for 22 years. I grew up with her, and she's family to me. I spent a night at her place while travelling, and there was no problem. But she's also in a committed relationship and as I said - we're family.

 

Your gf might be ok with what you did, but I think you know it's a bit off. You had a crush on this girl, she might have flirted with you... is it worth the risk, even if the risk is miniscule?

 

Agreed. Prevention is better than the cure. When involved in something serious that I respect, firm boundaries are of the essence. It's not even just about trusting your partner; it's about the other party they are hanging out with as well. You just don't always know the mind/heart.

 

Of course a "strong" partner will be able to resist the temptation but why even put yourself in a compromising position to begin with? Hanging out in public or in groups with the opposite sex is fine, but home alone type situations are out of bounds to me and so is my man paying for everything for the other girl as if they are courting!

 

I always discuss this from the beginning when getting to know a guy; I can offer my perspectives; but I wont try to change his. If we are not compatible in this area that's a deal breaker. Who wants to be someone's mom?