Girls: boyfriend hanging out with other girls?

[Eclypse]

A friend of mine (a girl) whom I hadn't seen one on one for a while asked to meet up to hang out. I went to her place and we spent a few hours hanging out in her room talking and catching up. We went for a walk afterwards around the neighbourhood and I showed her my new car. We then went for a drive to an ice cream shop and I got us some ice cream.

 

I told my gf I'd be hanging out with my female friend and she said she was fine with it. But it just occurred to me if I tell her what we did it might look wrong, even though we didnt do anything. Girls would you be ok with your bf hanging out at another girls house and going out for sweets? It just never occurred to me today, but reading LS always gets me paranoid :|

[Philosoraptor]

Trust is trust. If she trusts you to be faithful, then outside of "well we were laying in bed naked..." it shouldn't matter what the two of you did. You spent time together, and nothing is wrong with having ice cream or talking a walk with a friend.

[darkmoon]

only if you show me some romance, or treat me better then her, and if I feel comfortable with her, then I'd be okay, otherwise it's like you are not putting me first

 

this would tell me you are not that serious about me don't give a damn how I feel while the friend gets a free pass to be in the right

Edited September 11, 2013 by darkmoon

[veggirl]

No, I woukd not be okay with my bf hanging out in another girls room alone for hours.

[It-is-what-it-is.]

A friend of mine (a girl) whom I hadn't seen one on one for a while asked to meet up to hang out. I went to her place and we spent a few hours hanging out in her room talking and catching up. We went for a walk afterwards around the neighbourhood and I showed her my new car. We then went for a drive to an ice cream shop and I got us some ice cream.

 

I told my gf I'd be hanging out with my female friend and she said she was fine with it. But it just occurred to me if I tell her what we did it might look wrong, even though we didnt do anything. Girls would you be ok with your bf hanging out at another girls house and going out for sweets? It just never occurred to me today, but reading LS always gets me paranoid :|

 

I think hanging out with opposite sex friends need good solid boundaries when you are in a committed relationship. The hanging out in her room...no

 

Meet at coffee shop or someplace. Fine

 

Showing her your car. Fine

 

It is boundaries...then your girlfriends trust is not tested on stuff that doesn't matter.

 

IIWII

[heartshaped]

If your my boyfriend, I don't expect you to be in another woman's bedroom "hanging out". To me, that's disrespectful. YMMV.

[Els]

Uh, it's really inappropriate, IMO. Not really a trust or paranoia issue, just respect.

 

Personally, I'd be fine with the ice cream shop etc (assuming it isn't a regular 1 on 1 thing), but definitely not hanging out in her bedroom talking for a few hours!

 

I think a good rule of thumb in such situations would be to think about how you'd feel if the roles were reversed. Would you be happy about her hanging out with a guy in his room for hours?

 

That being said, I think you should be honest if she asks you what you did with the friend. Don't need to make it a big deal, but just answer honestly. If she's unhappy about it, apologize and say it won't happen again - and mean it.

[Eclypse]

Thanks for the honest responses. This girl is an old family friend and we all used to have massive gatherings. However since we all grew up we haven't really had much chance to meet up. There's nothing between us, not for a long time anyway (I had a crush on her as a teen but not for a long time now). But looking at it from an outside perspective I can now see how it looks bad. So the main issue seems to be that it's just a respect thing and that you shouldn't be doing certain things while in a relationship (even though you have no intention to cheat)?

[mammasita]

Oh hell no. Sure, trust is trust but like I tell/teach my son - whether you did something or not......perception is everything.

[miss_jaclynrae]

Uh, it's really inappropriate, IMO. Not really a trust or paranoia issue, just respect.

 

Personally, I'd be fine with the ice cream shop etc (assuming it isn't a regular 1 on 1 thing), but definitely not hanging out in her bedroom talking for a few hours!

 

I think a good rule of thumb in such situations would be to think about how you'd feel if the roles were reversed. Would you be happy about her hanging out with a guy in his room for hours?

 

That being said, I think you should be honest if she asks you what you did with the friend. Don't need to make it a big deal, but just answer honestly. If she's unhappy about it, apologize and say it won't happen again - and mean it.

 

 

This. The fact that even YOU think it sounds worse kinda shows how it was inappropriate.

[Brunettie]

I agree.

I wouldn't care about the hanging out with female friends...but in her room for hours? That would bother me. Go out for ice cream, for a walk, show her your car....but stay out of her room.

[Keenly]

So let me get this straight.

 

Its disrespectful to be in another girls room with her as a guy.

 

 

But its NOT disrespectful if your girlfriend goes out and dances with a stranger on ladies night ? Grinding her ass all over his hips?

 

 

 

 

 

 

What? My brain is exploding. Perhaps you can clarify.

[Philosoraptor]

People are either cool with their BF / GF hanging out with someone of the opposite sex in their bedroom or not. From what I see, most people do not think it's appropriate for either gender to do so.

Can't disagree here, everyone has the right to choose what they are and are not comfortable with.

 

Personally, I see trust as an absolute. I can't say I trust someone, then put limitations on that trust based on the situation. I either trust the person I'm with to make the right decisions or I don't. If I can't trust them, then I would certainly not be in any type of serious relationship with them.

 

But again, to each their own. Everyone has their own comfort zones.

[miss_jaclynrae]

Can't disagree here, everyone has the right to choose what they are and are not comfortable with.

 

Personally, I see trust as an absolute. I can't say I trust someone, then put limitations on that trust based on the situation. I either trust the person I'm with to make the right decisions or I don't. If I can't trust them, then I would certainly not be in any type of serious relationship with them.

 

But again, to each their own. Everyone has their own comfort zones.

 

 

it isn't always about trust though. It is about respecting boundaries in a relationship. I never ever think my man would do something so stupid, it would be about him not respecting my feelings.

[Els]

You have a defective GF picker and some unresolved issues.

 

For real, Keenly. WTF was that about the grinding on a stranger anyway? Has Eclypse's gf been doing that? I must have missed it.

 

Thanks for the honest responses. This girl is an old family friend and we all used to have massive gatherings. However since we all grew up we haven't really had much chance to meet up. There's nothing between us, not for a long time anyway (I had a crush on her as a teen but not for a long time now). But looking at it from an outside perspective I can now see how it looks bad. So the main issue seems to be that it's just a respect thing and that you shouldn't be doing certain things while in a relationship (even though you have no intention to cheat)?

 

Yep, pretty much this. Personally, anyway.

 

I think there are certainly couples who are okay with that, but it usually has to go both ways (hence a reflection on the dynamics of the relationship as a whole, and no resentment since it's fair). If you would personally be okay with your gf doing what you did, then maybe, just maybe, it wouldn't actually be disrespectful. That kind of thing has to be agreed upon by both parties though.

[todreaminblue]

Thanks for the honest responses. This girl is an old family friend and we all used to have massive gatherings. However since we all grew up we haven't really had much chance to meet up. There's nothing between us, not for a long time anyway (I had a crush on her as a teen but not for a long time now). But looking at it from an outside perspective I can now see how it looks bad. So the main issue seems to be that it's just a respect thing and that you shouldn't be doing certain things while in a relationship (even though you have no intention to cheat)?

 

 

if i had a boyfriend i would not hang out in another guys room not because i think i would even be tempted to cheat....but because whenever a guy has invited me into his room...he doesnt want ice cream...

 

 

 

 

i dont like males in my room unless they are actually in a relationship with me i get annoyed if they stay too long...mainly they stand at the door and talk from there...or if they over stay their welcome i tell them to get out had enough...dont wanna talk...its my space.....and i dont have much safe space that is mine..i just ask for my room....male friends can talk to me in the lounge room,or out the back, in the kitchen, down the street ill sit on a telegraph pole and talk if they want.... why would i want them on my bed, makes me feel extremely awkward...situations happen in a room ...i dont want to be put in that position so even though you are not a cheat its just no to the room invite for opposite sex friends....as far as everything else goes with your friend i think it was fine.........deb

[BeholdtheMan]

Girls would you be ok with your bf hanging out at another girls house and going out for sweets? It just never occurred to me today, but reading LS always gets me paranoid :|

As long as you're OK with your GF doing those things with a guy friend

[Leigh 87]

I am familiar with your posting history, and my gut feeling is that you're a good guy who would never hurt your girlfriend.

 

You seem like me; I have a good heart and I would absolutely never have cheated on my ex, however, I also did a very similar thing to him, as you did to your girl.

 

I had a guy over I had not caught up with in over a year! We watched DVD's in the dark on my bed. He was also extremely good looking and we had actually had sex in the past..........

 

The thing is, there is no way in hell that I would have cheated on my ex with that guy.

Even if he made a move I would have pushed it away immediately.

Once I am with a guy, I am only about THEM and I do not have any urge to be with other men.

 

However, what I did was wrong.

 

My boyfriend found texts on my phone to him and was very hurt.

Not because I would cheat, he trusted me, however; it was the fact I crossed a line that you just do not cross once you're exclusive.

 

You have learnt your lesson. You sound like a nice and thoughtful boy. I doubt you will make the same mistake again.

[Keenly]

For real, Keenly. WTF was that about the grinding on a stranger anyway? Has Eclypse's gf been doing that? I must have missed it.

 

 

 

Yep, pretty much this. Personally, anyway.

 

I think there are certainly couples who are okay with that, but it usually has to go both ways (hence a reflection on the dynamics of the relationship as a whole, and no resentment since it's fair). If you would personally be okay with your gf doing what you did, then maybe, just maybe, it wouldn't actually be disrespectful. That kind of thing has to be agreed upon by both parties though.

 

I'm simply trying to understand women logic. That's all.

 

Most women think dancing is harmless, and most of the female responses seemed very anti-room hanging out. Just observing.

 

And by the way, my people picker is just fine, thanks.

[RogerWallace111]

Personally, I see trust as an absolute. I can't say I trust someone, then put limitations on that trust based on the situation. I either trust the person I'm with to make the right decisions or I don't. If I can't trust them, then I would certainly not be in any type of serious relationship with them.

 

You make a good point, you level-headed, reasonable dinosaur It's interesting how many people who would swear up and down they fully trust their SO would also get upset with them doing something such as the OP has. I've been one of them In recent years, though, I've started to feel that trust isn't black & white, as nothing concerning humans and their behavior is truly guaranteed. Meaning even if I say with all sincerity that I FULLY trust my lady, my mind doesn't govern the physical world, and there is always some possibility of a situation arising that would result in that trust being broken. Remote a possibility as it may be. And I'm not saying this in the cynical, untrusting assh*le way like "you're never REALLY safe!" More just that there are no guarantees in life besides death and thus there is no guarantee that just because you trust your lady/guy with every ounce of your being, they couldn't have some fluke moment of indiscretion.

 

Anyway, nothing too profound, just ramblin.

 

I think Leigh 87's post above says most of what needs to be said about this topic, for the majority of people in developed-world relationships.

[acrosstheuniverse]

Nah that wouldn't bother me. My bf lives with a housemate, and if a girl friend went round to hang with him and they wanted some privacy I'd have no issue with them being in his room (it's where most of the stuff to 'do' is, the big TV for a movie, the decent speakers etc.), I just wouldn't even think to ask which part of the house they spent time in.

 

I guess if he had his own place then it'd be strange and set off alarm bells if they specifically went to hang out in his bedroom when there's a perfectly good lounge, but in shared living situations it's just what people do. I often have my friends (male and female) hang in my bedroom when they're over so we can have some privacy from housemates if I'm not in the mood to have them part of the convo, or my friend has an issue they'd rather talk about in private.

 

I'm in a relationship and I have guy friends come over and hang out on the bed (there's nowhere else to sit in my room) while we have a cuppa and a chat... I always tell my bf and he doesn't doubt me. If I was gonna cheat it'd be something I was going to do either way, not a slip up because a man happened to be on my bed with me. I would never jeopardize my growing relationship!

 

So I guess because I do it, I'm fine with him doing it. I've even hung out alone in my room with men I've slept with before (not intentionally, just maybe they've needed to use my toilet after dropping me off from a long trip, we're all en-suite rooms, and we've chatted for five mins before he leaves). I feel super loved and trusted and I hope I make my bf feel the same way. He'd always be welcome to join me in hanging out with friends in my room! If he tried to keep me away from a girl friend he spent lots of time with that's something that'd make me more suspicious, as I'm always excited to introduce him to my friends whatever our history, but no, that stuff has never come up either.

 

I sorta agree with Philosoraptor. You either trust somebody or you don't. Placing limitations on that trust is a little like saying you only trust somebody to a certain extent. If it makes you both uncomfortable and it's a personal boundary in your relationship then that's fair enough

[Eclypse]

On thanks guys. I see that it was wrong to be alone in her room. I guess for me it was just a place to hang out and talk. Her mum was in the living room and it just seemed automatic. I wouldn't cheat on my girlfriend and I won't put myself in that situation again. I'll report what my gf says when I call her tonight.

[The Way I Am]

Most women think dancing is harmless

 

I could be said that most women posters here think that dancing is harmless.

 

But its NOT disrespectful if your girlfriend goes out and dances with a stranger on ladies night ? Grinding her ass all over his hips?

 

However, if you think most women posters have the above in mind by dancing, you've completely skewed what you've read here to fit your own warped perception of the world.

 

Eclypse, as one person already said, what you did is okay as long as you'd be okay with your girlfriend doing the same with a male friend. Otherwise it's hypocritical. I'll add to that you also need to both be open about what you're doing.

 

Personally, I think it's a bad choice to be alone in the bedroom of someone of the opposite sex when you're in a committed relationship. It's inviting temptation. But this falls into one of those things that every couple should decide what they find appropriate.

 

If your gf is a person who would never do what you did and finds it unacceptable, you're going to have to hope she'll forgive. And for the future, you'll either going to have to compromise on this or find someone who agrees with your point of view.

[Els]

On thanks guys. I see that it was wrong to be alone in her room. I guess for me it was just a place to hang out and talk. Her mum was in the living room and it just seemed automatic. I wouldn't cheat on my girlfriend and I won't put myself in that situation again. I'll report what my gf says when I call her tonight.

 

Good luck!

 

In all honesty, I think it would be quite a minor issue to a LTR as long as it was a first-time misunderstanding. If you genuinely apologize and say it hadn't crossed your mind, and don't do it again, I don't see why it'd be a huge issue.

[Eclypse]

Good luck!

 

In all honesty, I think it would be quite a minor issue to a LTR as long as it was a first-time misunderstanding. If you genuinely apologize and say it hadn't crossed your mind, and don't do it again, I don't see why it'd be a huge issue.

 

Well I told her all that happened and she didnt seem upset. She just said "Yeah ok.. why are you bringing this up?" I replied " well it just occurred to me my behaviour may have been innapropriate considering Im in a relationship with you". She said "Oh please we aren't living in the dark ages, do whatever you want".

 

Now I am confused. She sounded like she didn't care at all. Should I still meet up with my friend?