Living in "their" house

[cocorico]

Those of us who are older accept that our partners will have been M or have had other LTRs before us. They may have lived together, just as we may have lived with our previous partners. How would you feel, if you and your partner choose to live together, about living in a house "they" (your partner and their X) lived in previously? Or, a house you and your X lived in previously? How would they feel about it? What issues would be dealbreakers for you?

 

My H and I each own homes, in different countries. We live part of the year in his home, and part of the year in mine, and it works just great for us. He knows I had a life before I met him, and there were some things about my house that didn't suit him (the carpets triggered his allergies, for example) which we changed to suit is both better, and likewise things about his house that didn't work for me (or him, it turned out...) which we changed. We spent most of a year remodelling and redecorating his house before we moved in, so that it suited us and our lifestyle, and had huge, therapeutic bonfires burning all traces of The Way It Was. Despite having taken before and after photos, we struggle to remember what it was like previously, as do old friends and family who knew it back then, and we all see it very much as "our place". My H has also only really gotten to know the neighbours since we've been here as a couple (we're in the country, so the nearest neighbours are some distance away).

 

Before we moved in, we did consider selling and finding somewhere without any baggage, but there wasn't anywhere we liked more. It's in a lovely spot with breathtaking views, and was his "dream home", and we'd struggle to find a place that suits us both so well. Our purge got rid of nasty associations, and our spell in rented accommodation helped us to establish our practices, use of space, etc to find what suited us, so it wasn't simply a case of shuffling one woman out the door and another one in. Everything is different - not only in appearance, but also in function. We eat, relax, sleep, and work in different parts of the house to what "they" did, and what we do in the house is also different.

 

So, whatever reservations I may once have had, it's not been an issue for us at all. Perhaps because he was so keen himself on purging the house and starting afresh, removing every last trace of her and their previous way of life. I suspect that, if he'd wanted to keep things as they were, it would not have worked out this well.

 

How would you feel, moving in as a couple into space your partner had lived in before with an X?

[carhill]

I've always had the viewpoint that a house is a structure and a home is the people who inhabit it, so have never had any issues with such things either way. Perhaps being a landlord assists in developing that perspective, IDK, as my structures routinely turn over family homes over time. Numerous families inhabit them and make their own home.

 

With my own or potential partner's residences, what lovers, a spouse or I have 'done' there before has never registered with me, since I tend to live in the now.

 

While married, I supported and assisted my exW in making my historical residence into the image of 'our' home and enjoyed that process. She was the first other person to ever live in it and I had owned it for many years. Some people prefer to make their 'mark' on things. I'm not one of those people. I just enjoy projects, like working on houses.

[eleanorrigby]

If I had my druthers, I'd always pick starting off fresh with a new place that we picked out together.

 

However if the home was a family home passed down to him, or the time spent with his previous partner in the home had been relatively short, I probably would not have much of an issue with it.

 

I would not enjoy living in a home that my new partner had raised a family with his previous partner in. I would feel as if might make his children uncomfortable, and I know it would make me uncomfortable.

[Philosoraptor]

My fiancee is living with me in a house I purcahsed and lived in with my ex. But as I let her know, it never felt like a home until she moved in. House looks and feels much different. We do plan on buying a new place before we start a family though, for space/school district reasons.

[cocorico]

I would not enjoy living in a home that my new partner had raised a family with his previous partner in. I would feel as if might make his children uncomfortable, and I know it would make me uncomfortable.

 

Interesting. I've been on the other side of that, as my father has remarried and he and his W live in the house we grew up in. While they've changed it in some ways, other aspects are as they were, and I probably feel more at home there now than I did as a kid because the R I have with them, adult to adult, is far less problematic than my childhood R with my parents!

 

But I would never, ever, ever, want to live there! I would draw the line at that!

 

I think my H felt the same about the house he inherited from his father. Much as we loved his dad, we could never have lived in that house. It would always have been (his day's name)'s house, and never really ours.

[cocorico]

My fiancee is living with me in a house I purcahsed and lived in with my ex. But as I let her know, it never felt like a home until she moved in. House looks and feels much different. We do plan on buying a new place before we start a family though, for space/school district reasons.

 

That makes sense.

[dichotomy]

I think you handled it very well.

 

My wife moved into my home, which I purchased with my ex-wife. Without going into a lot of details, the home was always my home emotionally and not my ex wife's. I picked the home, I painted and renovated it to my tastes, and except for painting one room, my first wife never really put much of herself into it. Which was an indicator (looking back) that she was not invested in the marriage or life with me and our marriage ended about two years after getting the home. So keeping the house was easier for me and my new bride.

 

We both had baggage (my wife much more than I) and we did do several purges of misc.“things” from our possessions to clean out the crap from “past others”. We most definitely threw out both of our mattresses and bed frames and purchased a new one together.

 

Surprisingly the only thing remaining in the home of my ex was a piece of art she gave me, I was going to throw it out, but my new wife insisted she liked it and asked for it to stay. So in one spot of the home there is a tiny reminder of my ex.

 

Since then we did a major addition on the home, and another is planned. It has truly been transformed to represent us. Not my home anymore - but ours.

[velvette]

I am very practical about houses, but at the same time I have never bought and lived in one for any length of time unless the house and property spoke to me emotionally.

 

The odds of that happening with a house selected by the previous partner are slim to none imo.

 

Even if it did, I am superstitious enough to feel that houses absorb the energy of the people who have lived in them and living with the energy of someones previous partner would make me uncomfortable.

 

Watching my partner try to burn all traces of his previous life would just make me feel "yuck" about both of us.

 

And I agree with Eleanor if there were children from the previous marriage even more yuck to live there and impose a new family image on top of the old one.

 

So much better to start fresh imo.

[imfine]

I think it depends on the situation with kids, friends, neighbors, family, etc. If a "second" spouse is referred to & treated as the "second" spouse, it would be hard to live with being constantly reminded it was the "first" spouses home. I think the idea of remodeling the place to fit both of your tastes was a fantastic. Who would want to sit around the holiday table and hear "first wife" did a fantastic job picking out the curtains from some nasty aunt that loves to take jabs at you?

[MissBee]

I wouldn't choose to do it unless for some difficult, unchangeable, practical reason I had to. But it wouldn't be something I voluntarily choose because I like the idea.

 

Even in dating someone who has never been married or lived with anyone else, I wouldn't want to move into their house, but would prefer for us to rent/buy a place together as a couple. That to me would make it feel like "ours" and a joint venture we started together and can start from the ground together and choose everything together versus it is theirs and I just moved in. That's my personal comfort zone and I'm particular like that.

 

So since that is my stance and what makes me comfortable in general...extrapolate it to if they were married/living with someone else or purchased a house with someone else and me deciding to move in ---no way, it wouldn't happen, unless again, for just some impossible reason we HAD to...but if we don't have to, I wouldn't choose to do that. I'm all about fresh starts!

Edited September 11, 2013 by MissBee

[Silly_Girl]

I bought my last place with my ex. My now-husband moved in to it with me, and my ex still co-owned it. All I/we cared about was us living together, being together. That was the priority - living as a family.

 

As luck would have it was selling up anyway, and it then made sense to buy somewhere together and it's all worked out perfectly.

 

Home is about the people, not the structure

[2sure]

When I moved into my XH's home all of the furniture had been picked out by his previous GF. Every stick. I also brought most of my furniture . We had to get rid of some of both to have everything fit together well. We donated it of course. I can't imagine burning a houseful of things others could use just for spite. His x really hated us both, and it was mutual on his part but....it's tables, chairs, and toasters , unless it was my grandmothers I can't imagine feeling emotional about them to that degree. Purge them if you must but donate.

[MissBee]

I bought my last place with my ex. My now-husband moved in to it with me, and my ex still co-owned it. All I/we cared about was us living together, being together. That was the priority - living as a family.

 

As luck would have it was selling up anyway, and it then made sense to buy somewhere together and it's all worked out perfectly.

 

Home is about the people, not the structure

 

It certainly is. It's not the structure why I wouldn't want to do it or looking at those who don't, it doesn't seem that way either, but the "feel" and atmosphere of it, memories etc. If you lived in a mansion with your ex and the place we would get together is a bungalow, I'd go for the bungalow as that "feel" of an ours would be what mattered to me and us having a clean slate with new memories, not the actual house itself.

[Got it]

In my case, I don't think I would have minded moving into his old house/neighborhood though he didn't feel comfortable. He did move into the house that I shared with my ex but I was never emotionally invested in the place. We did the renovation work on it to get it above water to sell and I have never connected to the place. But it was never the place I wanted and so was just a house. It didn't matter to me what significant other was in it (plus it was a money pit with things always going wrong with it and so unloading it was a priority from almost day one!).

 

We own a house now that we picked out together. I am not sure how I would feel living with someone else here. I love moving so would probably just move. (I realized that starting with college till today I have moved an average of every year and a half.)

[Silly_Girl]

It certainly is. It's not the structure why I wouldn't want to do it or looking at those who don't, it doesn't seem that way either, but the "feel" and atmosphere of it, memories etc. If you lived in a mansion with your ex and the place we would get together is a bungalow, I'd go for the bungalow as that "feel" of an ours would be what mattered to me and us having a clean slate with new memories, not the actual house itself.

 

The memories don't bother me. My mum and best friend begged me to move out of my house when my nasty ex and I split up. They couldn't understand why I would want to stay somewhere where so much trauma had happened, where I'd been beaten up, locked out, threatened, humiliated.

 

If I had been younger it would have bothered me. I used to hang on to negatives much more back then, and things around me affected my state of mind more. But as I am now, I'm really about the people and the feelings now. If my husband had a nice place he bought with someone else, yes, I'd work to put 'our' stamp on it, but it wouldn't worry me and I wouldn't feel anything negative provided the relationship was strong. I do get the impression I'm in the minority though.

[todreaminblue]

when i broke up i moved out...even though he actually moved out first...i could not have reminders around me or live in the house we shared, too painful...i had to go..... so i moved interstate as well just to make it permanent...no regrets..gave nearly everything away.....deb

[cocorico]

I can't imagine burning a houseful of things others could use just for spite. His x really hated us both, and it was mutual on his part but....it's tables, chairs, and toasters , unless it was my grandmothers I can't imagine feeling emotional about them to that degree. Purge them if you must but donate.

 

There was nothing of any use value. Even the rubbish truck wouldn't take it (we tried). Who wants ripped carpets soaked in cat urine, or badly handmade, perished curtains of ugly cheap fabric, or chipboard furniture with the veneer clawed off and the woodchip swollen and joints coming apart, or cracked and chipped crockery wi the glaze worn off? And, of course, personal effects - stretched and laddered pantyhose and old underwear, papers, letters, photos, bills from six houses back, religious tracts, old junk mail. Broken deck chairs, broken picture frames, electrical appliances that didn't work, the computer off Noah's ark and the universe's first dot matrix printer.

 

I would feel a presence there no matter what decorating was done. If it was a long marriage that would be a problem for me. I would feel her there playing like a record in my head' date=' for sure. Man, I even had to change my bed when my ex moved out because I couldn't share it with anyone else without thinking of him. I always thought that maybe i am a bit psychic (for lots of other reasons), super sensitive for sure or just plain weird [/quote']

 

The length of the M, or how long they'd lived in the house? For me, the latter would be more likely to be a problem than the former. My H and his X were together 30 years, but only a few in this house (including a year's separation) so it was never really "their" place in any lasting sense. In this area alone they had lived in three other houses, and since she left here she's moved twice more.

 

I guess it's also to do with how deeply you put down roots. Since I left my parents' home, I moved on average once a year, so I got used to the idea of home being wherever I lay my hat, and then I bought a brand new place and stayed put for about 15 years before moving here. I guess to me, home is a state of mind more than a physical space.

Edited September 12, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Merge

[MissBee]

when i broke up i moved out...even though he actually moved out first...i could not have reminders around me or live in the house we shared, too painful...i had to go..... so i moved interstate as well just to make it permanent...no regrets..gave nearly everything away.....deb

 

For some reason I read interstate as "downstairs", I was like wait what, you moved downstairs??? LOL

 

Fresh starts are often beneficial and cleansing though, so it makes sense.

[MissBee]

The memories don't bother me. My mum and best friend begged me to move out of my house when my nasty ex and I split up. They couldn't understand why I would want to stay somewhere where so much trauma had happened, where I'd been beaten up, locked out, threatened, humiliated.

 

If I had been younger it would have bothered me. I used to hang on to negatives much more back then, and things around me affected my state of mind more. But as I am now, I'm really about the people and the feelings now. If my husband had a nice place he bought with someone else, yes, I'd work to put 'our' stamp on it, but it wouldn't worry me and I wouldn't feel anything negative provided the relationship was strong. I do get the impression I'm in the minority though.

 

Admittedly that is hard for me to process too....but if it suits you, then it suits you.

 

I guess my orientation is if I have the means to literally/physically leave negativity behind, then I will do so fully. But you can of course just shift your mindset. But for me in terms of a house, unless I simply couldn't move, if lots of trauma happened there, esp if I had children, I would mentally shift as well as extend it to making a physical move.

[Journee]

In my case, I don't think I would have minded moving into his old house/neighborhood though he didn't feel comfortable. He did move into the house that I shared with my ex but I was never emotionally invested in the place. We did the renovation work on it to get it above water to sell and I have never connected to the place. But it was never the place I wanted and so was just a house. It didn't matter to me what significant other was in it (plus it was a money pit with things always going wrong with it and so unloading it was a priority from almost day one!).

 

We own a house now that we picked out together. I am not sure how I would feel living with someone else here. I love moving so would probably just move. (I realized that starting with college till today I have moved an average of every year and a half.)

 

 

 

Your last statement has been a huge dilemma for me in house hunting. I love moving also. Moving in rather. I just like the change and playing around with a space's potential. Now that my family continues to grow I feel a bit more hurried to just sit still. Even though I'm always looking for a bigger backyard

 

Anyway, I think a lot of my feelings as to living in a home my new beau shared with an ex, would depend greatly on the circumstances surrounding.

 

As you mentioned though, we could always move. I feel a bit suffocated thinking of being in the same home for the rest of my days. Maybe we just haven't found the right fit.

 

If we had to continue to live in the home I would try to make it as cozy as possible. Put my style throughout the home. Fresh paint , my giant mirrors that I love. The whole nine.

[effie]

It's never been a problem for me.

[Daisy7]

I personally would feel weirded out since a house is meaningful in a relationship when you first get it with so many dreams and ideas for a future. but i mean if you guys are happy and love each other and want to be with each other a house is just a house besides you guys remodeled it and made it your own. i dont see an issue with that.

Edited September 17, 2013 by Daisy7

[Solcita2]

I never lived that situation, but it did happen when he recover furniture from her.

 

When they broke up he was living at her house, most of the furniture was his... but he just walked out with a few things.

 

A few months after we moved in together he asked her his old coffee tables back (he made them with his own hands so i didn't care). When she sent the truck with the tables she also sent an old family arm chair. She changed the fabric... so I changed it again

Later we did a little remodelation to the tables... I really never thought of it and didn't bother to me the fact that he shared those things with her, but it did bother me the fact that he had to contact her in order to get them back.

 

But what it digusted me was when she contacted him telling him she was buying a new mattress. do you want your old matress back (the one they shared)... the fact that he told me this was also ugly for me... just tell her to burn it I don't care... he was then sorry because it was "the best matress money could buy" :sick::sick::sick:

 

The funny thing is that she's slowing giving everything back, but only when she doesn't want the stuff anymore (or they break like a home theater...) but the new fridge is still missing, a couple of really cool arm chair are missing as well... it did bother me when we were looking for furniture and I feel in love with a couple of arm chairs... and he told me they were exactly like the ones he left her... :mad: but he didn't want to ask back...

 

Right now I don't care... we're planning on moving abroad so she can keep it... I just wish for her not to ever contact him again...

[Daisy7]

I never lived that situation, but it did happen when he recover furniture from her.

 

When they broke up he was living at her house, most of the furniture was his... but he just walked out with a few things.

 

A few months after we moved in together he asked her his old coffee tables back (he made them with his own hands so i didn't care). When she sent the truck with the tables she also sent an old family arm chair. She changed the fabric... so I changed it again

Later we did a little remodelation to the tables... I really never thought of it and didn't bother to me the fact that he shared those things with her, but it did bother me the fact that he had to contact her in order to get them back.

 

But what it digusted me was when she contacted him telling him she was buying a new mattress. do you want your old matress back (the one they shared)... the fact that he told me this was also ugly for me... just tell her to burn it I don't care... he was then sorry because it was "the best matress money could buy" :sick::sick::sick:

 

The funny thing is that she's slowing giving everything back, but only when she doesn't want the stuff anymore (or they break like a home theater...) but the new fridge is still missing, a couple of really cool arm chair are missing as well... it did bother me when we were looking for furniture and I feel in love with a couple of arm chairs... and he told me they were exactly like the ones he left her... :mad: but he didn't want to ask back...

 

Right now I don't care... we're planning on moving abroad so she can keep it... I just wish for her not to ever contact him again...

 

I would not be happy if he was talking to her about ANYTHING even if it is to ask for a pencil. I don't want it, i would have that woman keep every single thing and i would buy everything new from time to time, and i would tell him to not even mention her in front of you. It is weird for him to tell you "oh those are the ones i left my ex (about the chairs)" so very casually! uh no, dont mention her in front of me, the past is the past and am your future now. Unless they have kids thats another story but until then no contact with the ex that is just uncomfortable.