how to forget?

[James]

My girlfriend and I have been together for 6 months now. I am 19, and she is 18. This is my first relationship, but it is quite far from being her first. We both love each other, and we have had sex. Like I said, I love her, but I can't get over her sexual past and her past relationships. I can't get over the fact that I'm not her first and that we didn't get to share that experience together. And I don't think that she really values our sex quite like I do. To her it seems to be just sex, but to me it is an expression of our love and a special thing. She has had sex with other guys before me just for the mere sake of having sex. Without being involved in a relationship, nor loving the other person. This worries me. She has assured me that she'd never cheat on me... that she loves me too much, but that fact is always in the back of my mind. To sum it up: I don't like her sexual past. I don't like it all. But I don't think this is some typical male jealousy thing. It just worries me that she doesn't value it like I do. I want to get past this though, I want to forget it and move on. I love her, and I love the person that she is apart from her sexual past. But there's a problem. She won't let me forget it. She makes references to past relationships or sex acts every day. She has shared details, on a regular basis, about experiences with every guy that she's been with. I concede that I am not an expert on relationships, but this just does not seem like common practice, nor a wise one. What possibly could her motivation be to share such things with me? Every time that she says something, I feel so insignificant... like I'm just a number, another guy on her list. It just reminds me of exactly where I stand... I'm not her first, and I don't mean as much to her as she does to me. And I don't just mean as far as sex goes, I mean the total relationship. I also feel like I am being compared, which I assume is normal, but I still don't like it. She tries to reassure me, but the reassurances fall short because they usually also contain comparisons. How do I get her to stop mentioning her past relationships? She knows it bothers me because she's asked, but I've never told her how much it bothers me... I usually just answer with a shrug or say that it does bother me. But she hasn't stopped just because she knows that it bothers me, she's too impulsive... she says the first thing that pops into her head without ever thinking about it (that is what she says, it isn't an assumption). I don't want to make some macho stand and give her a "forget them or forget me" speech. I just want her to move on and let go, so that I can move on also. What do you guys think? Can I get past this? Or am I a jerk for even letting it bother me?

 

Our relationship is great and she loves me... she tells me so and I can see it in her eyes and in the things that she does for me. We've had some great times together, but sex has just complicated things. This isn't a major issue in our relationship either... I haven't thought about it much until the past few weeks and I haven't talked to her about it yet. But the more I think about it, the more senseless doubts I create. I just need to get past this....

[Tony T]

Your relationship is NOT a great one, it is purely sick.

 

When I read the first few sentences of your post, I was ready to skip down here and start telling you to get real about her past. I was going to tell you that most girls have been with other guys and if you can't accept that, you got a real problem.

 

But when you wrote that she's telling you about her previous sexual encounters, in detail, on a daily basis I suddenly got sick. This is morbid, sick, irrational, immature, sadistic, insane and you will NEVER, EVER have a satisfactory relationship with her. This girl has got problems that are time-release and you will never see all of them.

 

She even knows it bothers you and she continues. This is lack of consideration and respect at it's highest level.

 

Tell her to stop this comparison stuff immediately. Let her know it is simply not acceptable if she is going to have a relationship with you. Then, if she does it one more time, thank her for giving you a measure by which to compare all the other slutty street-whores you encounter during your lifetime. And tell her to be sure not to ever call you again. She is so low class it's pathetic.

 

Frankly, she needs psycological help big time...but that's not your problem. If you stay around her with her telling you about her past sex encounters, then you need psychological help. I am glad you posted this hear. It's one of the top 20 sickest things I've ever read here. You have just made history.

 

Are you are jerk for letting it bother you? Hell, no. You wouldn't be human if this crap didn't get to you. Can you get past this? I think this relationship has been severely damaged even if she stops...but it's possible. I think even if she stopped, it would only be temporary. And I think her disclosures will always haunt you if you stay with her and it will keep you from ever getting truly close to her emotionally.

 

It could be that this is just all she knows about to talk about. Maybe she has just screwed all her life and these are the only experiences she has to share. You ought to suggest other things to her, like reading, traveling, movies, concerts, etc.,...things she can do and talk about besides sex.

 

I have serious doubts you will get past what has happened. Most normal men would have made her ancient history by now. I am truly sorry you had to experience such a low class slut for your first relationship...but look on the bright side, it's all uphill from here.

[nycesq]

Hi. I do not know if I feel as passionately as Tony does, but I must agree with the fundamental principal that it is not normal for a person to discuss their past relationships, on a regular basis, with their partner. However, we need to seperate the issues. First, when you first discovered her sexual past, who initiated these conversations? I think that if you asked her then you should have been prepared that you might have heard something you didn't want to hear. Not that you should not have been curious. In this day and age, you have to know what you are getting into (STDs, etc.). The second issue is that after you had your initial discussions, did you continue to bring it up...for example, ask for more details? If so, you may have set a trend that she thought you liked hearing details (just like some people get off on envisioning their loved ones with other people). If not, I think that either she is trying to tell you something (such as "So and so did this with me..."--with the implication that she wants you to engage in that sexual behavior as well) or she is trying to hurt you or belittle you in some way. You did not indicate if you have told her how you feel about this. If so, how did she react? The number 1 rule of relationships (or should be anyway) is "Don't Assume" No one can read minds. I think that if you seriously sit down with her and say, "Look, I love you but it really hurts me when you say _____, why do you do it? Can you stop?" but she continues to do it, then you will see that she does not care as much for the relationswhip and you should move on. On a personal note, I have to say that I hear situations like this and it makes me very sad. I think that some men get a bad rap bcs. "they are a**h***s, etc" but how did some of them get that way? I'll tell you, by being in relationships like this and being hurt....and then trying to build a barrier to protect you against future women. But please, if you listen to nothing else I say, understand that all women are not like this. On behalf of women, I implore you to give every new woman you meet her own chance and just bcs. one or two are bad apples, we are not all bad!

[Tony T]

I basically agree with everything you have said. You made some excellent points here.

 

However, James has made it very clear in his post that this continued babbling about previous relationships bothers him. The following is an exact quote from his post, copied and pasted here for discussion:

 

JAMES WROTE: "She knows it bothers me because she's asked, but I've never told her how much it bothers me... I usually just answer with a shrug or say that it does bother me. But she hasn't stopped just because she knows that it bothers me, she's too impulsive..."

 

I really don't think a man should have to tell a woman how much this bothers him. However, you have brought up some excellent questions. Yes, there is a possiblity he brought this on himself but I also have to give him some credit for having the intelligence to put a stop to it if it got out of hand, as it has. I am sure he has taken some action in this regard before posting here (an assumption). The above quote may indicate he moved in that direction but was perhaps not assertive enough.

 

I still feel, in light of the fact that this girl knows she is hurting James, that this is a truly sick relationship, that this girl has no manners or class. What James is made of will depend on how he handles this situation in the next few days.

 

Thank you for bringing up some excellent questions and suggestions that James can take into consideration in working on this problem.

 

P.S. I have thought and thought and I can say in all truth that I have NEVER, EVER discussed my sexual past with any girl or woman I have dated and wouldn't do so if asked. I have never been asked that I can recall. Perhaps they were curious...but they never said so. I consider sex to be a sacred union between two people and to discuss intimate details with other people is stooping to the level of animals.

 

Those are just my opinions, I may be way off.

[James]

In response to nycesq: I have never asked her anything regarding this. I don't want to know. She'll just blurt out something random... she always initiates these things. Something that she sees on tv, something that is said, or just something she sees walking down the street may remind her of another guy and she'll just say something. Not just sexual things (although it happens frequently), but also things about the person in general. I don't continue to bring it up. I haven't set a trend because I never react favorably to these things. I have never asked for more details because I just don't want to know. But I don't think she's trying to tell me something or give me a hint or imply that she wants me to engage in similar behavior. I suspect that she is trying to belittle me or hurt me, because that's how she is about everything in life. She's so competitive... she puts people down in an attempt to make herself look better. She doesn't feel very positive about herself and that's why she does that. But that doesn't make it acceptable. And I also appreciate your advice... I understand that not all women are like this, and I will give each of them their own chance.

 

In response to Tony: I don't know if I agree with all that you said, but you made some good points. I'll agree that her manners are certainly lacking, and that this is a problem. But I'm not going to agree that she is a low-class slut like you say. I've known this girl my entire life, and she hasn't always been this way. Everything that she has done has happened in the past year and a half. I'm not for sure why she chose to be that way, nor why she chooses to tell me about it now. Its disturbing and confusing.

 

Anyway, I'm going to have a serious talk with her tonight. I will see how she feels about the importance of our relationship and if she will stop talking as she does. I don't know if our relationship will come to and end, but it is certainly a possibility. I thank you for all your advice and your thoughts.