My situation and a request for advice and help

[Cabras]

There is so much great advice and perspectives here. I have learned so much just from reading about other people's situations and the suggestions they received, but I finally decided to see if anyone can lend any insight to mine.

 

My girlfriend and I broke up two weeks ago. We had been together for 2 1/2 years and had been living together for 10 months. She had been giving me clues that things weren't going well for her for a couple of months and I had been ignoring them. I really took her love for granted and gave some really bad signals that I was not committed to us. Our summer together was wonderful, vacations, partying and even some talk about marriage. Then went from this loving guy to cold within 2-3 months. Many of our problems seemed to creep in when we moved into a house with 3 of my friends to save some money. My job became stressful and I withdrew with her emotionally.

 

It suddenly hit me a week before the breakup that we were headed for a split. We had an argument and she talked about where so could move to, how she didn't think we were right for each other anymore and she confessed she had thoughts about another guy a few months back. We talked about it for hours and things seemed better. I tried harder during the week to let her know I cared, but one week later she grabbed some clothes and said she was moving in with her friends.

 

At first, like many other people apparently, I really panicked. I offered to fix myself. I offered to marry her. Anything. I cried in front of her hoping she would see how MUCH I loved her. I realize now that this was not going to fix our situation.

 

To kind of give an idea of what we are facing. She says she doesn't think I am "the one" for her. I now realize that the living situation was horrible for us. I spent more time with my friends then I ever spent with her. I am 31 she is 22. Big age difference. It didn't ever seem to be a problem until the last couple months. We split up for 3 weeks LAST November and while things got much better for a long time eventually I forgot our previous lesson.

 

So... I have tried to really limit our contact, but she is still in the process of moving out. She will be out completely by this weekend. She apparently is using some guy friend as a romantic distraction to put me out of her mind. Painful, but I am coping with it by remembering how great we really were together only a short time ago and reminding myself that this should pass.

 

I have rented my own apartment and I will be moved in before Christmas. I really want to start fresh and new and I am hoping this could provide a refreshing setting for us if she decides to come back. When she found out I was moving she panicked and sent me a bunch of e-mails and called all my friends trying to find out what was going on. Apparently she thought I was moving out of state to be around my family. Once she talked to me and found out I was staying close she was back to cold and distant.

 

She even seems angry that I am improving myself. She has shared with my friends that she thinks I am working out and taking better care of myself to get a new girlfriend. They had to assure her that I still was interested in her. Her comments have been "Why did he wait until I broke up with him to realize what he had?"

 

I asked myself that same question many times. I was afraid. I am 31 going on 21. I was afraid my youth was gone and I was becoming my parents. It's funny that my 22 year old girlfriend was the one pushing to get married and start a family. It is not difficult to see (and I have had this shared with me by many others BEFORE we broke up) that she was the best thing that ever happened to me. I have had a tough time finding compatible companions in the past. Most relationships lasted a month or two and I was bored.

 

So after all of that, here is where I stand. After she is gone this weekend I think no contact will really begin. Other than her inquiring about my moving it has been a week already. Everything in my heart tells me to let her know that I care and I want her back, but everything in my head warns me that she already knows and I will drive her away.

 

Has anyone been through something similar or have any insight as to what she might be thinking? Even a timetable of how long this might take.

 

-Thanks

[bluechocolate]

Many of our problems seemed to creep in when we moved into a house with 3 of my friends to save some money.

 

That doesn't surprise me.

 

After she is gone this weekend I think no contact will really begin. Other than her inquiring about my moving it has been a week already. Everything in my heart tells me to let her know that I care and I want her back, but everything in my head warns me that she already knows and I will drive her away.

 

So far this doesn't sound like it has to be over, but I think you should listen to your head for the time being. You're right, she knows you want to get back with her & now that she knows you're improving yourself I 'reckon eventually she's going to be curious enough to want to see for herself. It's only been a week. You're trying to save a relationship of 2 1/2 years - take is slowly...

 

My job became stressful and I withdrew with her emotionally.

 

.....and keep working on the reasons why that happened.

[Cabras]

Thanks for replying back.

 

My job is still stressful, but suddenly I seem to be able to put things in perspective a lot easier.

 

As much as I am looking forward to moving into my own place, I have to admit that a big part of me also realizes that she wasn't very interested in the guy who spent all his time hanging out with the guys at home. I hope that if she does become interested in me again, I have provided a less intimidating place to try to start solving some of our old problems. I just didn't picture her really wanting to spend any more time there again.

 

Thanks again.

[pancakepalace]

I am in a very similar situation. She left 2 weeks ago. And we haven't contacted yet.

 

She knows you want her back so telling her is useless and even detrimental since it only shows you are not respecting her decision. She is already wondering about your life changes so this is a good sign.

 

Go straight up from here. Embrace life and eat a red apple. Train and get into the best shape you have ever been in. Keep your appartement clean in case she decides to drop by on a whim. Keep food in the fridge cause if she does - you'll have some goodies to offer her - maybye even a home cooked meal. Buy new clothes and feel good. Your winning man - your moving ahead - your a champ.

 

Good luck!

[Sukotto]

Nice positive message there

 

Don't stress, she'll give in to curiosity in a while and want to come to see you, at that point it will get hard because you won't be sure how to act around her. Best suggestion is to just avoid talking about whats happening between "us", unless she hints at it or brings it up, though I doubt she's going to do that in the near future. Telling them how much you miss them and pouring your heart can give her the impression that your too dependant on her and scare her off.

 

As suggested by the above post, keep yourself busy and occupied for the time being.

 

To be honest I think you've just had the most common relationship problem, communication. She appears to have been dropping hints that things weren't going well rather than just coming straight out and saying them, if that had happened then I'm sure something could have been done sooner. If you do get back together then you should probably agree with her to set some time each week to talk.

[moimeme]

I never get how people can mistreat their loved ones for extended periods of time and then, when they finally wise up, expect their loved ones to forgive all and forget.

 

You'll have to face the fact that you may already have done too much damage to the relationship for it to be repaired and learn your lesson for next time. At any rate, a ten-year difference in age when she's only 21 is not a good sign. Not only that but you started going out with her when she was still a teenager. People do quite a bit of changing between their teens and their thirties and it's very possible that what she thought she wanted at

18 1/2 won't be what she'll want in another few years.

 

Absolutely remake yourself. Change your life for the better. But do so for yourself and for the next partner you have because I suspect this relationship will not be revived.

[Cabras]

Thank you for all of you observations. I have thought about the fact that I have already done too much damage. It is a painful thought, but it is there. What keeps me going is a hope that all of the wonderful thingsI did will help overcome some of that.

 

Moimeme, I really hear your point about people changing. We were actually 20 and 28 when we met. She is now almost 23. It really doesn't change your point though. There is a large age difference and people do change. I still believe that age is a factor, but not as important as many others. I really thank you for responding. I don't mean this in a negative way towards you, but I truly hope that you are wrong about it. In two months I may change my tune quite a bit.

 

Sukotto, I am already worried about our interaction this weekend. I really don't want to be here when she comes, I don't feel like I'm ready to talk to her without letting my feelings of frustrations or sadness show through. She hasn't told me when she's coming so I have a feeling she may just stop by when she's ready.

 

Pancakepalace, I really wish you the best of luck and happiness in your situation. I never really stopped to think about all the people who go through this all the time until it happened to me. She came over to grab some clothes and asked if I had anything to drink. I loved your comment about the food in the fridge. One of the things I realized about my own selfish behavior was my shopping habits. I would always buy food that I liked. So last Sunday when I'm grocery shopping I grab stuff that I know she likes, knowing that chances are she won't ever even see this food. Normally that would have been a problem, but I let her know she could have anything in the fridge. I know this is funny, but she saw the Sunny Delight in the fridge and was overjoyed. I hate the stuff myself, the only glass missing to this day is the one she drank, but hey, it's the small victories.