Is there a cure for breaking someone's heart?

[BreeannS]

Does anyone knows if there is really a cure for that?

 

Let's say A breaks B's heart and he/she is in total pain, what can be done about it? How can A gain B back in his/her life? Almost everyone A spoke to said ''Nothing can be done, you did it yourself'' but A wants to know if there is hope at least (that's really the last thing to lose). A thinks some hope is better than nothing.

Edited September 12, 2013 by BreeannS

[BreeannS]

If so how long does it take for someone who got cheated on to recover? Or is it not possible at all?

 

What does it take for someone to ever recover from it???

Edited September 12, 2013 by BreeannS

[underwater2010]

Closer to success each day here. But the timeframe varies in each case.

[BreeannS]

Closer to success each day here. But the timeframe varies in each case.

This is true. It all depends on the person and their willingness to give the one who cheated another chance.

 

I've read elsewhere that it takes 2-5 years on average. Or is it longer?

[samsungxoxo]

I don't think so. If you cheat on them it means you don't love truly love them. The question seems very anonymous as if you don't want anyone to know what happen.

[BreeannS]

So there is no hope at all? And yes that's not my real name.

[todreaminblue]

theres always hope person a.......i think honesty and openess......and if that person b is a forgiving person......then they might just forgive you i dotn knwo what person a did to break person b's heart so i cant really give a definite

 

but if it has been constant heartbreak over and over with years of battle and break....then forgiveness is something that can still happen....... the relationship however will never be as close...there will always be a reserve there.....to avoid...what a constant heart breaker does..... which is.... break your heart...it may seem to be or like it was before it never is....trust is hard to regain...if youd o something over and over again people expect that from you.....thats why its better to be a person who who cherishes hearts rather than break them....i wish you well good luck...deb

[BreeannS]

i dotn knwo what person a did to break person b's heart so i cant really give a definite

A cheated and threw it all away.

its better to be a person who who cherishes hearts rather than break them....i wish you well good luck...deb

It is better but unfortunately A realizes this when it's too late.

[Coolit]

2-5 years is the statistical answer but it really isn't that simple. There are so many factors.

 

Affair details

Whether the ws was caught or confessed

Trickle truth

Multiple d-days

A forgiving BS

 

I think as marriage is always a work in progress that as long as you are taking more steps forward than back you are on the right track. You can't really hit the five year mark and be like. "okay, times up, we are reconciled." nor can you say at a year and a half you are still reconciling simply because of a date on the calendar. "oh no, ws and i aren't reconciled yet... It isn't two years for another month. No, i have forgiven them and they have proven they are trustworthy but dammit, statistics say we won't be R until we are at 2 years.

[Coolit]

If your talking about self recovery that also is dependant on your personality. You may always bear a scar but some people keep a gaping wound.

[BreeannS]

2-5 years is the statistical answer but it really isn't that simple. There are so many factors.

 

Affair details

Whether the ws was caught or confessed

Trickle truth

Multiple d-days

A forgiving BS

Thank you for the information. I'm sorry to hear you had to go through that but if they're remorse then it can get better. If you forgive them, cool. I guess it must take a very strong person to forgive.

[BreeannS]

If your talking about self recovery that also is dependant on your personality. You may always bear a scar but some people keep a gaping wound.

What's harder is actually forgiving yourself for doing the cheating, seeing them hurt and you can't make them feel better at that moment. Edited September 12, 2013 by BreeannS

[todreaminblue]

years...i feel....

 

the only true recovery you will have is if you dont go back to them...if you are with them i dotn care how forgiving you can be...it will not be forgotten so if something cant be forgotten you are not recovered, trust is shot, it will color future decisions and situations that arise in the relationship of a bs who returns and forgives the cheater...also for the person who cheated...they will always remember the hurt and have a certain sense of guilt...i know that therapy and counselling gives you a good chance at maintaining the relationship and developing strategies....but in my opinion.....a complete recovery and for the relationship to go back to what it was.......is very rare...its a ghost in the closet...waiting for that tiny crack in the relationship to open ...like when facing difficult trials ...recovery is a long and difficult process.....deb

[drifter777]

What's harder is actually forgiving yourself for doing the cheating, seeing them hurt and you can't make them feel better at that moment.

Harder than the road the BS now has to travel? Probably not. Reconciliation is much more difficult when the WS doesn't grasp the damage their betrayal has done to the BS.

[bobwhite007]

Harder than the road the BS now has to travel? Probably not. Reconciliation is much more difficult when the WS doesn't grasp the damage their betrayal has done to the BS.

 

I will never trust my w again and believe only half of what she says.

[SidLyon]

2-5 years is the statistical answer but it really isn't that simple. There are so many factors.

 

Affair details

Whether the ws was caught or confessed

Trickle truth

Multiple d-days

A forgiving BS

 

I think as marriage is always a work in progress that as long as you are taking more steps forward than back you are on the right track. You can't really hit the five year mark and be like. "okay, times up, we are reconciled." nor can you say at a year and a half you are still reconciling simply because of a date on the calendar. "oh no, ws and i aren't reconciled yet... It isn't two years for another month. No, i have forgiven them and they have proven they are trustworthy but dammit, statistics say we won't be R until we are at 2 years.

 

Thank you for the information. I'm sorry to hear you had to go through that but if they're remorse then it can get better. If you forgive them, cool. I guess it must take a very strong person to forgive.

 

What's harder is actually forgiving yourself for doing the cheating, seeing them hurt and you can't make them feel better at that moment.

 

years...i feel....

 

the only true recovery you will have is if you dont go back to them...if you are with them i dotn care how forgiving you can be...it will not be forgotten so if something cant be forgotten you are not recovered, trust is shot, it will color future decisions and situations that arise in the relationship of a bs who returns and forgives the cheater...also for the person who cheated...they will always remember the hurt and have a certain sense of guilt...i know that therapy and counselling gives you a good chance at maintaining the relationship and developing strategies....but in my opinion.....a complete recovery and for the relationship to go back to what it was.......is very rare...its a ghost in the closet...waiting for that tiny crack in the relationship to open ...like when facing difficult trials ...recovery is a long and difficult process.....deb

 

I was the BW in our situation and I'm almost 5 years past d-day. There are some things I will never get over. Our situation was quite complicated with multiple cheating, one lengthy affair, dating websites, the death of the other BS (ie the husband of the OW), and a child born to the OW during the affair. On the other hand there was only one d-day and the A had ended more than 3 years earlier although they were attempting to reconnect after her H's death. The trickle truth was relatively minor in comparison to some.

 

I've bolded something above and would like to say that if a WS somehow has it in mind that "it's harder" for him/her, then this is not in my opinion conducive to a quick reconciliation. I don't think the WS should be comparing the difficulties between him/herself and the BS; and if s/he is, s/he shouldn't be concluding that somehow it's harder for them or harder on them. This is rubbish in my opinion.

 

True remorse by the WS and the willingness to express it is important, and there should be no suggestion that the BW is at fault for the cheating, nor any suggestion that the WS pain is greater. The fact that a WS might even suggest this is odd to me.

 

On the other hand both parties should be willing to address problems in the marriage.

 

We are pretty much reconciled now, the kids were early teens at d-day and are now late teens having finished school and off doing their own thing. Since d-day we've been able to do a number of things to cement our relationship. This includes a family trip to the USA (including Disneyland and Hawaii - we are in Australia), one of the great train journeys of the world, a 2 week South Pacific Cruise, a trip to tropical far north Queensland and another to the Gold Coast in Queensland. We go out several nights a week and have lunches and dinners together or with the kids several days a week. It's a long haul, but has been worth it.

[ChooseTruth]

This is true. It all depends on the person and their willingness to give the one who cheated another chance.

 

I've read elsewhere that it takes 2-5 years on average. Or is it longer?

It's a two person job to recover, but the heaviest lifting is on the Wayward Spouse(WS). You have to help heal the wound by reproving yourself. If you don't think you have to reprove yourself after a betrayal like that, then probably reconciliation will fail.

 

- Tell the whole truth. This is one is extremely crucial. You have to rebuild trust, and if you lie or leave important things out, you lose more and more crucial chances to prove you can tell the truth even when it's hard. "I didn't cheat today!" kinda truth doesn't mean much. Someone once made the analogy of putting a penny into a car sized piggy bank.

- Express Love in a form they appreciate (learn their love language, or emotional needs depending on which book you subscribe to)

- Express regret

- Validate their pain

- Express shame

- Be transparent, give all passwords, let them snoop. They need to validate the truth since you cannot be trusted for a while.

- End ALL contact with the affair partner forever. This gives the BS peace of mind and lessens risk of a slip back into the affair. People quit jobs over this kind of thing. People move to other states. I divorced (or am almost divorced) with my ex because she wouldn't quit a martial arts class with the guy.

- If the AP(affair partner) contacts you, tell your BS immediately. Do not hide it or destroy evidence. You telling your BS will be a major proof that you can be trusted when it's hard to be truthful.

- Figure out why you did what you did, and it can't all be about the BS's failures. What is weakness inside of *you* that made you turn to cheating to fix problems instead of working things out with your spouse?

- Show how you will ensure this will never happen again. Be proactive, read books, one guy's wife bought a GPS so he could track her.

- Go to counseling, probably bot individual(IC) and marriage counseling(MC), but find counselors who specialize in infidelity.

- Ride the rollercoaster be patient as your spouse turns emotional somersaults. They will love you one minute and hate you the next, want a divorce, then want to reconcile. It's crazy time. You started this mess, now you need to weather the crazy for a good while.

 

That's a lot for your to do and it's not easy or quick. It's been said that it's a very narrow path to reconciliation. If you make your BS do all the work, bad things will happen. They do need to learn to forgive, but frankly they shouldn't even go there until you've proven yourself. Too many waywards continue to lie, cheat, sneak around, etc even after D-Day.

 

Good luck man, you have lots to do.

 

Oh and there are lots of success stories. I just read about one on another thread. Keep reading. I'm sure more people will post.

Edited September 12, 2013 by ChooseTruth

[dichotomy]

8 years now.

 

For me, its been like loosing a body part, you find ways to live with it, sometimes you forget you lost it, but then you remember (particularly under stress or pain from other things). and are sad, but most times you just accept you don't have that part and you get on with your life.

 

Never happy or fine about it, just less sad, and resolved to continue on, I suppose. Ya its like loosing a body part.

 

Sometimes success turns out to be more like perseverance.

[Trimmer]

This is true. It all depends on the person and their willingness to give the one who cheated another chance.

 

I've read elsewhere that it takes 2-5 years on average. Or is it longer?

There isn't some single moment where "poof!", recovery is complete! There are no useful "statistics" because you can't really measure recovery in a quantifiable way.

 

And especially if you define 'recovery' as: "everything goes back to normal like nothing has changed", then I would say recovery is never complete, because cheating - even if you reconcile - changes things irreversably.

 

So you are looking for a single, simple, numeric answer to a question that is more complex than that.

[Trimmer]

8 years now.

 

For me, its been like loosing a body part, you find ways to live with it, sometimes you forget you lost it, but then you remember (particularly under stress or pain from other things). and are sad, but most times you just accept you don't have that part and you get on with your life.

 

Never happy or fine about it, just less sad, and resolved to continue on, I suppose. Ya its like loosing a body part.

 

Sometimes success turns out to be more like perseverance.

This whole post is an awesome answer, in both its directness and its subtlety.

 

Sometimes success turns out to be more like perseverance. Indeed.

[Trimmer]

- Tell the whole truth.

- Express Love

- Express regret

- Validate their pain

- Express shame

- Be transparent

- End ALL contact with the affair partner forever.

- If the AP(affair partner) contacts you, tell your BS immediately.

- Figure out why

- Show how you will ensure this will never happen again.

- Ride the rollercoaster

And oh yeah:

- Don't ask "How long is this gonna take?"

[harrybrown]

It will take until the day you die.

[Steadfast]

Is 'recovery' linked with reconciling the marriage in this question? Curious.

 

IMO, it would take far longer to heal a marriage of infidelity that personally recover...on average. I, for one believe that once stripped of its innocence a marriage is forever changed. The same can be said of those living through it.

 

I'm not sure if measuring recovery time is a healthy approach anymore. To me, the 'completion of the transformation' is closer to reality. Reconciled or not acceptance, understanding freewill and independence are critical elements for restoring passions or just feeling better. In other words, much of the 'pain' of healing comes from the changes one goes through. Some change for the worse, some for the better but every person touched by infidelity will be changed forever. Does martial status really matter?

[BreeannS]

Thank you all for the replies and it was very helpful. I had an idea that it never goes back to being the same again but wasn't thinking about the magnitude of it. This only works off course if the BS is willing to work it out and not leave after he/she discovers. For the most part, I think women are slightly more forgiving and will give the marriage or long-term relationship another chance than men. This is what a friend told me, that it's very hard for the men; sometimes it's not that they don't want to, they might do but their ego and pride is beyond hurt that they have to let her go.

 

And oh yeah:

- Don't ask "How long is this gonna take?"

Yeah that would obviously be a stupid question to ask once you have the BS back in your life and they are willing to give you another chance.

[William]

Two topics on a similar subject were merged into the most appropriate forum. As the thread starter is a new member and hasn't self-identified as part of a group which would place such threads in the infidelity areas, the threads are consolidated into CFJ. If they wish to start a thread on their personal story relevant to a particular forum, feel free to do so. Thanks.