ex and new one

[2much]

really quickly...we dated for 1.5 years. broke up 8 mths ago because things just were not going well...he had little time and i was too needy (i agree). the breakup was hard...we still spoke sporadically but he wasn't 'there for me' at all.

 

a few months afterwards we started becoming friends again...and several times we hooked up. it was so hard for me to have him then have him leave, but i never voiced this and he didn't say anything.

 

meanwhile, i really pulled myself up by the bootstraps and found a job i loved, started taking lots of classes, joined sports teams and started meeting new friends and dating some nice guys. despite this, though, i did feel a longing for him many times. i kinda came to terms with the fact that i'd never have a connection like i had with him...and that made me sad, but i was dealing.

 

gradually we started talking more, and although he was going to move away, he ended up staying and shorty thereafter telling me that one reason he really wanted to stay was me. he wrote me several letter filled with genuine apologies and explicit feelings (he had always been really closed off emotionally and this was a big step, in my mind).

 

but..i had started dating a great guy at this point and i told this to my ex....and he understood and acted as a friend for months. but..things weren't really working out with the new guy (maybe because i was thinking about the ex a lot)...and i began to feel a longing for the ex. so i broke up with this new guy and started spending more time with the ex.

 

we are kinda dating now...but i am now feeling a longing for the guy i broke up with! and i am wondering if getting back together with an ex is the right idea. he has issues...as does everyone...but more than the new guy...the ex and i get along well...we have so many of the same interests...we are there for one another...we motivate one another and can dream with one another...there are so many great things about him...but i can't help feeling like we are falling back into a situation that didn't work before...i think i may want to be with him for good...but i feel like right now is not the right time to get into that. i still need to grow on my own...but i don't want to lose him.

 

what to do/

[MafiaGal4984]

Hi There,

 

First, a question. Did your ex know about your new guy BEFORE or AFTER he wrote the letter to you, for my comments/suggestions will be different depending on when he wrote it.

 

Second, props to you for doing things that make you feel great! Really. That is a very big and very important step in recovering from a breakup. Getting a new job, and a new man, and doing things that make you feel alive is what it is all about. And when you are happy, you exude this to others, making them want to be around you so CONGRATS!!

 

Thirdly, You might be a little bit of a commitment phobe because of what he did to you. I am not saying this in a negative manner so please do not take that as such. But I know from experience that when you end things with someone, and are with another person, as soon as the ex comes around you long for them unless the breakup was a very bad one. It's a comfort thing. Why did you get back together with him? What qualities about him do you like? Make a pro/con list. Trust me, this works. Myself and many of my other friends do this alll the time to find out what we really think. And leave nothing out! Make one for the "new" guy too...if you really miss him. What do you miss about him? Is it him, or the relationship? Those are questions you need to ask yourself.

 

 

Finally, in regards to your comment about all that is great in your relationship - I agree. Those (in your final paragraph) are key strengths. Also, you will be able to grow on your own, even in a relationship. Remember, the best relationships are those in which you have a life together ,but also one apart...meaning...you have your OWN friends, OWN ambitions, OWN life...but yet you share it with him. Talk to him about your friends, family, career, goals...but yet pursue them yourself. Got it? haha. Which you are doing, and I commend you on And don't keep looking to the future. Often times we worry so much about the future that we forget about the present, and miss some of the great moments of it. If he is meant to be with you in the end, he will be there... no matter how long it takes.

 

Best of luck and I really hope this helps you!

 

~MafiaGal

[pancakepalace]

I agree you can grow when you are with someone. You did a big part of that already and you could continue it within a relationship.

 

Go with your gut feeling. Only you can tell which one is the better one.

 

The ex obvioulsy shows he cares. If you go back with him, take your time and talk about the new goals in the relationship and what didn't work in the past.

 

Good luck!

[Sukotto]

Yeah you and the ex need to try and resolve those original issues to prevent the past from repeating itself. If your willing to talk about it with him then things can be different but only if your willing to initiate that and I think you might as well try. You obviously have quite a strong connection to this guy.

[head/heels]

work things out with the ex...every relationship is going to have its problems...dont keep jumping ship if it gets hard...go with it and see how you make it out! Work hard and talk talk talk...he stayed for you, stay for him and perservere!

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you can do it!

[UnicornGirl]

If you are looking for a solid, potentially life-long love, the ex is probably the way to go. Relationships that go through major milestones and still work are much stronger than new ones. Do you really want to throw away that year of memories with your ex for a new guy? Just my opinion.