Sunshi Posted November 19, 2004 Share Posted November 19, 2004 Ok....found this site cause I need some insight big time! Dated Mr. X for 1 year. Most of it was the most intense love of my life. But with the incredible and romantic highs, we had some of the worst lows. This man is so many of the things I want: Successful, independent, insightful, kind, deeply involved with his family BUT not good at handling anger. This was my only problem with him. When we fought he got nasty. We lived together and after much trying on my part, I realized the anger thing was too much to handle and got a cute little place of my own that I love. I was much happier with out the horrible fights. Time passed and I started dating. Met Mr. Y. Great first date, great guy in general. We have tons in common and get along wonderfully. Mr. Y has been an ideal boyfriend: Nice dinners, foot rubs, flowers, helped me clean house--couldn't ask for more. Well then he got laid off from his job. He was really down. He has been diligently looking for work but has not found anything in his field. In the mean time he has been spending a lot of time with me and doing tons of nice things for me. Partially cause he has the time and partially to show affection with out spending a lot of money. In short doing everything possible to be the best boyfriend he can. He is now in the position of not being able to pay for his place and we have talked about moving in together till he gets back on his feet or longer if our relationship keeps swimming along. Re-enter Mr. X. All on his own he started counseling. At the advice of his counselor, he also is attending anger management classes. Seems that he has had some kind of monumental break through. He has contacted me and although he knows about my relationship with Mr. Y, has said some amazing things. Mr. X sounds like a completely different person. The anger seems to have changed and he is so remorseful about the past. Told me that I taught him how to love. Said the biggest mistake of his life is the way he treated me and that he let me leave his life. He talks of all the things I wanted for our future. Now I don't know what to do. Mr. X has hurt me bad and could very well do it again. And this could all just be nice words or desperation. While Mr. Y has done NOTHING wrong, and does not deserve to have his heart broken. I have told Mr. Y the ex contacted me and I am having strange feelings; this of course put him into serious worry about the job thing and us. Do I stick with the wonderful Mr. Y and see where this fresh start goes? Or Now that the one thing I needed from Mr. X is here do I try again? Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Both Men what a decision. Link to post Share on other sites
tattoomytoe Posted November 19, 2004 Share Posted November 19, 2004 why should you give up another great guy (mr. Y) for this guy who didnot appriciate you in the first place. granted he seems to have changed. well he can wait now too. tell him you are in a relationship now and cannot talk with him. Link to post Share on other sites
HokeyReligions Posted November 19, 2004 Share Posted November 19, 2004 I vote for Mr. Y. Mr. X may or may not have rid himself of the anger issues -- it it really worth the risk? The anger hurt you and drove you away before. You also proved to yourself that you can be independent and happy, and that others can and do care for you. Mr. Y is having some job/financial problems now--but that can happen well into a marriage. It's one of the hurdles most of us have dealt with at some time. You are happy with him, you know he cares for you. Give him some time and give yourself some time to see how you are with Mr. Y. It would seem, to me, that leaving Mr. Y for Mr. X would be a step-backward. Be upfront with Mr. Y about the relationship and that you are still getting to know yourself as a component of the "Sunshi* - Mr. Y" couple. You don't want to hurt him and I'm sure you won't hurt him deliberately. It will be up to him as well, if he wants to wait and risk being hurt. All relationships are risking emotional hurt at some time and I'll bet he will stick around---especially if you are honest with him. Link to post Share on other sites
bluechocolate Posted November 19, 2004 Share Posted November 19, 2004 Who's behind door number three? Seems that he has had some kind of monumental break through. hmm..... I'd be wary of monumental break throughs. I'd say Mr. X is a victim of bad timing here. You're happy with this other guy, stick to that. Had he come back & you'd still been single, different story. He is now in the position of not being able to pay for his place and we have talked about moving in together till he gets back on his feet or longer if our relationship keeps swimming along. You neglected to say how long you've been seeing Mr. Y. I would advise caution with this move. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sunshi Posted November 19, 2004 Author Share Posted November 19, 2004 I have only been dating Mr. Y for two months. Known Mr. X for three years. Thanks everyone for the insightful words! Link to post Share on other sites
bluechocolate Posted November 19, 2004 Share Posted November 19, 2004 I have only been dating Mr. Y for two months. Two months is no where near enough time to make a decision about moving in together - despite his circumstances. Surely he can come to some other arrangement - after all, he's only known you for 2 months. What would he have done had he lost his job 3 months ago? Link to post Share on other sites
UnicornGirl Posted November 20, 2004 Share Posted November 20, 2004 STAY AWAY from financially insecure guys. DO NOT let him move in with you. It will cause mega-problems, especially if you've only known him 2 months! I say be SINGLE for a while! You don't HAVE to choose right now. If you're interested in Mr. X, start spending time with him, and see how it goes! Counseling is a great thing, and it may have really helped him. You obviously have feelings for him but are afraid you'll get hurt if you immediately go all the way back to him. He should understand if you don't want to commit, but just want to hang out right now -- if he gives you the ultimatum of coming fully back or nothing, he hasn't learned anything in counseling. Go on dates with him and see if it develops into love again! You can still be dating Mr. Y at the same time ... nobody said you have to choose right now! Date them both, but let them be aware you're making no promises to anyone. If one or both of them can't handle that, they're going to have to learn to or lose a chance to spend time with you. You're your own woman! Now get out of that cute little place of yours and have some fun. Link to post Share on other sites
daphne Posted November 21, 2004 Share Posted November 21, 2004 I think you should see where the thing with Mr. Y goes. Mr. X had his chance and I believe Mr. Y deserves his chance unless things don't work out. I also don't think you should move in for convenience sake. There could be some weird things going on if he feels indebted or you feel responsible for him. Power struggles could ensue. I hate to say it, but I believe the patterns that Mr. X has created between the two of you would continue to exist somewhere down the road. People resort to their past behavior with someone familiar. I think he will only change (good for him on the therapy though) when he is with someone new that no pattern has been established. This has been my experience. You can only establish new patterns with new people. That's why sometimes we have to let go of the old people. To become better ourselves. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts