Married Men

[Peanut9330]

Recently I have been coming across more and more married me looking to start an affair. What's worse is that because of the nature of my job I've met their wives, children and family. I just don't understand what pushes them to want to start an affair and I always hear the same line form them "we're having issues in our marriage I feel like she stopped caring about me long ago" meanwhile when you speak to the wife she talks about how everything is going great.

 

One man asked me out and said him and his wife were still married but separated, yet they still lived together and were going on a romantic vacation together. Another man just had a baby with his spouse whom I know very well and he kept making advances at me. He texts me form his work phone and had my number saved as a work contact asking me if I wanted to have a good time, he even tried to lavish me with money and expensive gifts. I never once agreed to go out with any of them as I would never date a married man but my question is if you're so unhappy with your SO why are you still in a relationship with them.

 

A few weeks ago I had an ex of many years come back who now married telling me how badly he wants to be with me and how unhappy he's with his wife. To me it seems like he's either looking for a quick fling or just wants to make sure he'll have someone before he leaves his wife, and if he doesn't find anyone he'll just stay with her.

 

I'm not sure if I posted in the correct topic as I’m not involved with a married man but I am bothered by the fact that it seems that long term faithful relationships are fading. It angers me even more that these men would ask me out despite the fact that I've met their families.

 

Also I just want to say that I maintain a professional relationship with them I don’t flirt or keep it a secret that I’m in a happy committed long term relationship.

 

Any thoughts on this..?

Edited September 18, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Paragraphs and formatting

[whichwayisup]

. I just don't understand what pushes them to want to start an affair

 

Selfish reasons, wanting to feel desired by someone else, having an ego feed, wanting to have some excitement on the side to spice up their life, to make them feel good about themselves.

 

Whatever the reasons are, each MM or MW will justify it and many will put blame on their spouses, or marriage, etc.

 

People who want affairs are extremely selfish and put themselves first above their families needs.

[Peanut9330]

Sometimes married men find a woman that is so beautiful that they are compelled to have an affair.

 

:laugh:

 

 

Yes clearly I am so irresistible that these men just throw themselves at me.......

 

Hahahahahaha just kidding

[Peanut9330]

Selfish reasons, wanting to feel desired by someone else, having an ego feed, wanting to have some excitement on the side to spice up their life, to make them feel good about themselves.

 

Whatever the reasons are, each MM or MW will justify it and many will put blame on their spouses, or marriage, etc.

 

People who want affairs are extremely selfish and put themselves first above their families needs.

 

 

I agree I think is very selfish and it just hurts me even more when I see their kids or wives and they are oblivious to what is really going on.

[CarrieT]

During my years of "play," I can't tell you how many married guys used to approach me and - foolish me - how many I actually played with.

 

In my youth, I stupidly believed that the guys were responsible for their own behavior and I gave no thought to the wives.

 

When I placed ads on Craigslist for NSA, 99% of the time it was married men who were looking to philander!

[LilGirlandOW]

M goes stale, couple becomes content with co-existing, since having kids H/W feels as though W/H doesnt desire him/her, they concentrates on raising, loving and nurturing the children leaving eachothers emotional needs out of the equation. sex becomes less frequent, then potentially not at all, other acts of intimacys and emotional bonding between H/W diminish/disappear. One of the partners needs more.... sometimes the W, other times the H. At this point they're not in love with their spouse. Sometimes getting a divorce is harder than just signing a paper, so the WS decides to co-exist and look for a new romantic partner?

 

Right or wrong, the examples you gave in OP, are legitimate issues from reading the M board that kill M's and lead to A's or suspected A's

[MissBee]

 

Any thoughts on this..?

 

 

The reasons are vast and varied...but the good thing for you is that you decided to opt out of it.

 

Some people are just cheaters, that is, they never intended fidelity when married and so see it as no big deal to be soliciting others for an affair. Others, like those who are complaining, use an affair as a false escape from their married life, they won't divorce or actually deal with their issues head on but want some excitement, sex, comfort etc of another woman on the side that can make them feel good, even though they in fact aren't doing anything differently about their circumstance. Still, others know many potential APs will feel sorry for them and less bad about the A if they make it seem like they're living a horrible life and being a martyr and so it will pull in OW who want to help this poor guy out.

Edited September 18, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[thefooloftheyear]

Just for the record....

 

There are plenty of married women out there looking for sex...(sorry to be crude)...Ive run into my share..Heck, my own best friends wife, basically told me a few months ago that "if I was ever feeling froggy that I should jump" ...uhhh....no thanks.. (they are currently divorcing)

 

The reasons men do it are many...

 

In my opinion, men are more pragmatic than women...Women are tend to be more idealistic and emotional. Theyll throw away the whole thing if their "emotional or sexual needs" arent being met...Men, might leave it at the status quo, and just get whats missing elsewhere and not give up half of what they killed themselves their whole lives for, all to live in a 300 sq ft apartment and eat off a hotplate, see their beloved kids on off days and get crushed by big alimony payments and child support..

 

And while I know its not the case for all, many divorced women wind up staying in the big, nice, home..They may have been a SAHM, now they get a big settlement, get access to their kids all the time. A check in the mail(some get lifetime alimnony...I know a guy that has been paying alimony since 1968!! (Yes, I am serious!) While many of the men have to take on a second job to make the payments...Its a daunting proposition. Especially if its just sex thats missing, but the rest is "tolerable"...

 

So what do they do? They go fishing for that which is missing..Is it right? Of course not...

 

The beauty of all of this is that all one has to do is say NO....Period..

 

TFY

Edited September 12, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[crederer]

The dialogue you pointed out is very typical of people looking for an affair.

 

Reasoning behind it is simply for selfish reasons.

 

Women that go for it have very low self esteem and are looking so hard for validation that they put the blinders on.

[2sure]

There are many many people willing to cheat if the opportipunity comes up . Men and women. Most single people will be approached from time to time.

 

But your post does make it sound like for you it's continual...men offering you money and gifts to cheat, an old boyfriend wondering if your game.

 

You are either extremely attractive which would increase your odds or you are vulnerable which predators pick up on.

[Lillyfree]

Sometimes married men find a woman that is so beautiful that they are compelled to have an affair.

 

:laugh:

 

i love pierre's brand of sarcasm

 

thanks for the chuckle:bunny:

[Red Wolverine]

I work in a male dominated profession. I consistently have men flirting with me. While i am quite fetching , it's probably more attributable to the lack of women in my workplace. A couple of married men have flat out suggested we have an affair.

 

I have a strict policy of not getting my honey where I get my money, therefore even the single men are out.

 

On a side note, listening to the married ones whine and play the victim is so intolerable now. I typically tell them they need to decide how much their happiness is worth to them. Then I remind them it must not be too bad if they remain married. I finish the conversation by reminding them they aren't getting any younger.

 

Problem solved

[Lillyfree]

i don't consider myself overly attractive at all, however there have been comments made that so-and-so at work considers me to be (one of them being a 22 year old kid, who apparently has a huge crush on me ).

 

i was however never directly approached, and never even flirted with in the workplace.

it's to do with how you behave at work and whether you make yourself seem approachable. and if anyone even hinted an affair they would have seen me in full bitch mode - proposing an affair would have their bits hurting for days!

 

i would find it extremely insulting tbh.

[Red Wolverine]

i don't consider myself overly attractive at all, however there have been comments made that so-and-so at work considers me to be (one of them being a 22 year old kid, who apparently has a huge crush on me ).

 

i was however never directly approached, and never even flirted with in the workplace.

it's to do with how you behave at work and whether you make yourself seem approachable. and if anyone even hinted an affair they would have seen me in full bitch mode - proposing an affair would have their bits hurting for days!

 

i would find it extremely insulting tbh.

 

I'm extremely professional. It's the nature of this field. Most of these men would do anything for me. I've known most of them for 15 years.

 

I take it with a grain of salt. Nothing said has been crass nor has anyone ever touched me. That would result in a completely different reaction. They know better than that.

[jlola]

 

Any thoughts on this..?

 

I have been getting hit on by MM(sure I'm not the only one) since I was 13 years old. So I am not impressed in fact insulted and disgusted when they try. As though they actually think I would go along with their sick cowardly game. I would go along with their deceit,lies,future faking and all that bs.

 

I have been in toxic relationships before and I always say, they are just like affars. High highs,low lows,uncertainty,anxiety,insecurity. But so full of romance,drama,declarations of love,push-pull and so on,fake soulmate feelings, you become addicted. I cannot imagine the added pain of having a triangle in a toxic relationship. Why create your own hell on this earth just to have a half a man. Life is hard enough.!

 

 

I think it's a numbers game for MM. If you hit on enough women with a sob story, someone will bite the bait. I am shocked however by the amount of young,attractive women who fall for mostly older men with lots of baggage,aging bodies,wife,kids, and bullcrap. You wonder why younger, no baggage,healthy good looking men are not on the radar. Then I realize MM make these women feel needed in order to deal with their so called "miserable" wives and insecure women eat that right up. trying to prove how much better they would be to mm than mean old wife would.

 

Mm will make OW feel like a queen and are masters at romance and telling you what they think you want to hear.

 

Most single men of high caliber are not as impressed with pretty women as an aging Mm and the Ow eat that right up. They say a woman falls in love between her ears. So true.

 

As for me, I want a man who is equally yoked. One of my caliber.One who is loyal,one not full of romance and fantasy, One without baggage and a wife or girlfriend. It is much more important than the "smooth lines" and undying declarations of love a taken man can give me.

Edited September 18, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Peanut9330]

I am very professional at work but at the same time polite and friendly. Not just because it's my job but that's how I am towards people in general. Maybe they take that the wrong way more as an invitation rather than just me being friendly and polite. I don't say anything inappropriate and they seen me interact with other people both female and male and I was the exact same way. So it's not like I was giving them some sort of special treatment. When they do ask me out I don't beat around the bush I give them a straight up firm NO. I don't send any mixed signals or make them think that I'm playing hard to get, yet some of them try again.

 

I strongly believe that if you're unhappy in a relationship you either try working things out with your SO or end the relationship, there should be no in between it's one or the other. Not I’m unhappy in my marriage and will have a little something on the side to help cover the issues in my marriage.

 

 

This makes me grrrrrrrrrrr

[purplesoul]

Any thoughts on this..?

 

It's pretty interesting but truth be told I think a lot of us women (clearly am not a man so can't speak for them lol) put a lot of emphasis on what a man says.

 

One of my own ex's actually contacted me a few years back when I was single(he was married). I always maintained some form of feeling and was taken aback by all the tales of how 'unhappy' his marriage is, how 'lost' he is, how he wishes we never left and yes i regret to admit that i too got caught up in reminiscing about the past.

 

however i left it at that, as i just couldn't go any further. that and of course he just cut me out without explanation. so much for friendship.

 

i don't think this is necessarily related to just unhappy marriages, people make mistakes, get caught up in things. yes it hurts alot of people but that's why it's so important to affair proof your relationship etc and set boundaries from the start. NOT, that its a guarantee considering how well things went down with my own husband and his EA lol!

Edited September 18, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Peanut9330]

It's pretty interesting but truth be told I think a lot of us women (clearly am not a man so can't speak for them lol) put a lot of emphasis on what a man says.

 

One of my own ex's actually contacted me a few years back when I was single(he was married). I always maintained some form of feeling and was taken aback by all the tales of how 'unhappy' his marriage is, how 'lost' he is, how he wishes we never left and yes i regret to admit that i too got caught up in reminiscing about the past.

 

however i left it at that, as i just couldn't go any further. that and of course he just cut me out without explanation. so much for friendship.

 

i don't think this is necessarily related to just unhappy marriages, people make mistakes, get caught up in things. yes it hurts alot of people but that's why it's so important to affair proof your relationship etc and set boundaries from the start. NOT, that its a guarantee considering how well things went down with my own husband and his EA lol!

 

I understand that people get caught up and make mistakes I just don't feel it's right to peruse other options while you’re still married, and your SO is under the impression that you guys are still together. I could be more understanding of a person that's not divorced but separated, but if they are still married, living together it’s just wrong.

 

Also I’m not just saying that men are the only ones that cheat I’m aware that women do it as well, just in my case since I’m a female married men have been asking me out.

[Peanut9330]

Also I forgot to mention that the married men that have approached me all had very similar stories.

 

"We've grown apart"

"She's distant"

"She doesn't love me anymore"

"We've been fighting a lot"

"We don't even sleep in the same bed anymore"

 

Meanwhile when I speak with the wives everything is great. They talk about family vacations, show me pictures, talk about buying a new house together and things of this nature.

[thefooloftheyear]

Also I forgot to mention that the married men that have approached me all had very similar stories.

 

"We've grown apart"

"She's distant"

"She doesn't love me anymore"

"We've been fighting a lot"

"We don't even sleep in the same bed anymore"

 

Meanwhile when I speak with the wives everything is great. They talk about family vacations, show me pictures, talk about buying a new house together and things of this nature.

 

 

With all due respect, she(BS) could just as easily be lying as he is...Dont forget what she has at stake...

 

Many people that wind up unfortunate "victims" of this scenario sometimes dont realize that years of neglect, passive aggressive nonsense, and all other types of negative behavior takes its toll on a person. And they become delusional to think that everything is just "perfect".Houses, cars, and other material shyt mean nothing...

 

Does it justify it? Of course not....But consider the source and what they have to gain when asking questions...People lie..

 

TFY

Edited September 17, 2013 by thefooloftheyear

[IfWishesWereHorses]

It's a sport to these guys. A lot of men like the hunt. It's exciting, makes them feel young again,they love the conquest. So why does a guy with a buck or two in the freezer pack up his truck and go sit out in the freezing rain? He's a hunter! I'd love to think that ALL guys aren't the same but day after day, I lose a little more hope!

 

It really isn't rocket science! They use the same old tired lines because they work! While men are hunters, we are nurturers. We want to save something! We tend to feel responsible for other peoples happiness.

 

If you read around these forums, you'll see that most OW justify their involvement by saying, his wife doesn't make him happy, she doesn't give him sex, listen, care, like I do. Then after a MM has convinced the OW that she alone is the best thing that has ever happened to him, he has to explain why he can't leave to be with her. The kids, the Inlaws, the house, the dog. All of which the empathetic OW understands.

[Peanut9330]

With all due respect, she(BS) could just as easily be lying as he is...Dont forget what she has at stake...

 

Many people that wind up unfortunate "victims" of this scenario sometimes dont realize that years of neglect, passive aggressive nonsense, and all other types of negative behavior takes its toll on a person. And they become delusional to think that everything is just "perfect".Houses, cars, and other material shyt mean nothing...

 

Does it justify it? Of course not....But consider the source and what they have to gain when asking questions...People lie..

 

TFY

 

You're right not everything is what it seems like on the outside, I never thought it from that perspective. Like you mentioned it still doesn't justify it just a different way of looking at the situation. I guess if you chose to be involved with a married person it's a risk you’re taking because they are either telling the truth or are lying just to have something on the side.

 

I know a lady that is involved with a MM for 5 years now and since they started the relationship he's been leaving his wife but something always comes up.

 

Our anniversary is coming up I don't want to leave now it would crush her

 

The kids b-day's are coming up I can't leave now

 

Valentine’s Day is just around the corner

 

The kids are starting school again

 

She has a lot of stress going on and can't handle it anymore

 

I'm looking for an apartment

 

I found an apartment I’m just waiting for the right time to tell her I’m moving

 

I told her I want to file for divorce and her world came crashing down

 

We're not together anymore but I can't move out just yet because of the kids.

 

Every year he's been using the same excuses over and over again and still 5 years later she's waiting and sleeping around with him. This is the kind of behavior I don't understand from both the cheater and the person that gets involved with a married person. Clearly he's not leaving his wife yet this woman is living with her head in the clouds and waiting for that one faithful day.

[thefooloftheyear]

It's a sport to these guys. A lot of men like the hunt. It's exciting, makes them feel young again,they love the conquest. So why does a guy with a buck or two in the freezer pack up his truck and go sit out in the freezing rain? He's a hunter! I'd love to think that ALL guys aren't the same but day after day, I lose a little more hope!

 

It really isn't rocket science! They use the same old tired lines because they work! While men are hunters, we are nurturers. We want to save something! We tend to feel responsible for other peoples happiness.

 

If you read around these forums, you'll see that most OW justify their involvement by saying, his wife doesn't make him happy, she doesn't give him sex, listen, care, like I do. Then after a MM has convinced the OW that she alone is the best thing that has ever happened to him, he has to explain why he can't leave to be with her. The kids, the Inlaws, the house, the dog. All of which the empathetic OW understands.

 

You dont think that ANY OW's are hunter's, too?

 

The way you read some of threads, its all the innocent lil OW that gets clubbed over the head by the villian MM and dragged into the back alley..

 

In my case my OW was the pursuer, she absolutely knew my situation 100%. And TBH, I didnt even initially find her attractive at all, so in reality, if she hadnt been the hunter, I wouldnt even have given her a second look..But she grew on me..And I was the dope for taking the bait. No, she wasnt the only one over the years as well, just the only one i succumbed to..

 

This isnt just a mans game..to be fair...

 

TFY

[thefooloftheyear]

You're right not everything is what it seems like on the outside, I never thought it from that perspective. Like you mentioned it still doesn't justify it just a different way of looking at the situation. I guess if you chose to be involved with a married person it's a risk you’re taking because they are either telling the truth or are lying just to have something on the side.

 

I know a lady that is involved with a MM for 5 years now and since they started the relationship he's been leaving his wife but something always comes up.

 

Our anniversary is coming up I don't want to leave now it would crush her

 

The kids b-day's are coming up I can't leave now

 

Valentine’s Day is just around the corner

 

The kids are starting school again

 

She has a lot of stress going on and can't handle it anymore

 

I'm looking for an apartment

 

I found an apartment I’m just waiting for the right time to tell her I’m moving

 

I told her I want to file for divorce and her world came crashing down

 

We're not together anymore but I can't move out just yet because of the kids.

 

Every year he's been using the same excuses over and over again and still 5 years later she's waiting and sleeping around with him. This is the kind of behavior I don't understand from both the cheater and the person that gets involved with a married person. Clearly he's not leaving his wife yet this woman is living with her head in the clouds and waiting for that one faithful day.

 

 

I cant speak for him, but all of those things could be true..

 

The problem is this...Its usually NOT a game. Yes, there are predatory douchebag men that just troll for weak women, thats for another discussion.

 

Guys fall for these OW. HARD..But men dont view divorce the same way as women do, in my experience..Women see it as a new begiinning and guys see it as a colossal failure. So all of this "shuck and jive" isnt necessarily a game, although its easy to think it could be. In many cases, its a guy that got into something that he cant process, but doesnt want to end, because its truly important. So the "stalling" becomes something he does, not to deliberately torture the OW, but because he has something special to him that he doesnt want to let go, so he tries to keep the thing alive.

 

In these cases, two things happen..The MM has a D Day, and now, with a gun to his head, is forced to drop the OW...Or the OW musters the courage to walk..If you think this doesnt hurt the MM, you are mistaken. It hurts like all hell. A lifetime of guilt for the BS and heartbreak from the loss of the OW...

 

Not all scenarios play out this way, but many do...

 

TFY

[IfWishesWereHorses]

You dont think that ANY OW's are hunter's, too?

 

The way you read some of threads, its all the innocent lil OW that gets clubbed over the head by the villian MM and dragged into the back alley..

 

In my case my OW was the pursuer, she absolutely knew my situation 100%. And TBH, I didnt even initially find her attractive at all, so in reality, if she hadnt been the hunter, I wouldnt even have given her a second look..But she grew on me..And I was the dope for taking the bait. No, she wasnt the only one over the years as well, just the only one i succumbed to..

 

This isnt just a mans game..to be fair...

 

TFY

 

It's typically a man's game. Most women who are players have suffered some kind of trauma or are dealing with some psychological disorder. Women typically cheat for the emotional aspect and are quicker to divorce because of unhappiness than men. I would imagine any scenario is a possibity. I'm talking about the players, out there making "cold calls" if you will.