Married Men

[Peanut9330]

Didn't read the whole thing. We are having issues in our marriage. I found out recently that my wife hasn't loved me in a long time. May never have been sexually attracted to me. I'm not leaving her over that, but I will never kiss another woman who desires me unless I have an affair. And I would do it in a HEARTBEAT if I wasn't more scared of strange women than a middle school computer geek at a school dance.

 

And If I let you know that and you proceeded to ask my wife about our relationship? She'd say we have never been happier. Why is she going to tell YOU that she hates me? She's going to start a huge rumor about her own marriage? I don't think so.

 

Women areemotionally removing themselves from marriages in droves. It's an epidemic. Men want a woman to want them. I gave my wife first dibs. And second, third, ... She declined. I'm going elsewhere.

 

I get what you're saying as I stated earlier I was only looking at it from one side. I understand that both the wife and husband might be telling lies and I'll never know the real truth. I've never been married so I guess it's harder for me to relate but I still feel like you shouldn't pursue and affair until you're completely out of your existing relationship. I've been unhappy in a long term relationship and I just ended it before I started a new relationship. Granted I wasn't married so it's not as complicated as a divorce but it's still hard to leave someone.

 

Also at one point I was on the other end of the stick one of my ex's was unhappy with me, and I’m assuming because he was afraid of being alone he started seeing another woman while still with me. He became distant and I could feel I was losing him but I didn't know why. He was with her for 3 months before he broke up with me, and she knew him and I were together for years. Yet she still chose to get involved with him,and he chose to have an affair and did everything with this woman including sleeping with her on numerous occasions.

 

Why couldn’t he spare me the heartbreak and just leave me the second he started a relationship with her. What he did was selfish and I’m not saying I’m perfect but one thing I know for certain there is nothing that I did to him that pushed him to cheat on me. Cheating was his choice and he could have just ended it with me then and there instead of hooking me on a line and keeping me there until he new for sure things were going to work out between him and that woman.

[atreides]

interesting thread, many views from personal experiences.

 

I am a married man with 3 kids and have never hit on a women in the 15 years I have been married. However I have been hit on by married women on several occasions and put in very uncomfortable situations.

 

I off hand know more married women whom have cheated then men, but that is just the circles of people i know.

 

This being a thread on married men and the reasons why they stray.... in the 15 years i have been married it has been challenging. Sure i have had thoughts when times were hard to be able to “have my cake and eat it to.” Many say “communicate” and i agree, but easier said then done. It is hard and sometimes humiliating for us when communicating sexual desires or lack there of and i am sure it is the same for women but i can only speak as a man.

 

I and other married men i know often do have the following said back to us from our wives:

 

“I work, take care of kids and you expect me to perform in the bed? “

“ Hurry up and let’s get this over with. “

“ We are not going to do that. “

“ I don’t know what i want you to do to me. “

“ugh... why can’t we just do it the way we always do?”

“ If you want that much sex, then go find it elsewhere. “

“ For women, sex is not as important, i have responsibilities. “

“Not right now.”

“No, let (child’s name) sleep here, you can move them later to their room”

 

the list can go a mile long honestly. Again being a man, it builds and you have sexual frustration even when you try to communicate.

 

The men i know whom have cheated, were lucky if they had sex 1 to 2 times every 6 months. They love their wives and do not want to forego a huge investment for a sexual fling. I think that is the mind set of most unless they are players and it is a sport.

Off hand i only know of 2 men who left their wives and families but those were a huge mess to begin with vs the men that cheated and stayed with or without the BS knowing. But again i think those that cheat unless it is some other issue, look at what the investment is (kids, home, years of marriage) that they have and weigh the risks in their own mind to get perhaps what is lacking in areas of their relationship. Sometimes it takes losing something to wake up and regain appreciation for it.

 

I also would say that from my observations, more women take back their cheating husband vs men taking back their cheating wives. I found that interesting, but understood, the women who cheated did not have short affairs like the men i know which lasted maybe a month if that past a 1 time thing(not excusing it). One wife had a 6 year affair, another a 3 year affair and completely left the marriage as far as the H went to just chores and duties , their mood was colder to their BS in my opinion vs the males... again that is just my observation. But in many cases of the women, they left the marriage more so then the men, even if the BS was willing to take them back.

 

Bottom-line, you ask why don’t people just get out if they have issues? For both sexes, easier said then done if married with far much more to lose, weighs the risks to rewards and hopes for the best...

 

Also, to conclude... many times the reasons are real and not made up just to get you in the sack, but then again they may be players of the sport.

Edited September 17, 2013 by atreides

[strongnrelaxed]

Some folks here will tell you that cheaters are all evil and all to blame 100%. This is a teenagers answer and not appropriate.

 

People cheat for all sorts of reasons. One thing has been repeated over and over and it does not sink in - the more one obsesses over a partner cheating, the more likely it is to happen. Trying to stop someone from cheating can actually make it happen.

 

This should be basic knowledge for young adults by now, but it is not. So poor souls obsess and get cheated on and those who know do not screw it up.

 

On average, American women have become remarkably selfish over the past two decades. It seems to get worse all the time. Add to that a sense of entitlement because we live in an affluent society, better jobs and careers for women, and less justice for men in general, and you get some very unhappy married men.

 

Again, it is complex and varies for each person. But there is indeed a recipe for getting your partner to cheat on you. Read up around here for a while and you may figure it out.

[thefooloftheyear]

It's typically a man's game. Most women who are players have suffered some kind of trauma or are dealing with some psychological disorder. Women typically cheat for the emotional aspect and are quicker to divorce because of unhappiness than men. I would imagine any scenario is a possibity. I'm talking about the players, out there making "cold calls" if you will.

 

So the translation is that every time I get hit on by a woman, she is a raging nut or an emotional basket case?

 

Cmon, lady...Im not THAT bad!!

 

TFY

[Red Wolverine]

I cant speak for him, but all of those things could be true..

 

The problem is this...Its usually NOT a game. Yes, there are predatory douchebag men that just troll for weak women, thats for another discussion.

 

Guys fall for these OW. HARD..But men dont view divorce the same way as women do, in my experience..Women see it as a new begiinning and guys see it as a colossal failure. So all of this "shuck and jive" isnt necessarily a game, although its easy to think it could be. In many cases, its a guy that got into something that he cant process, but doesnt want to end, because its truly important. So the "stalling" becomes something he does, not to deliberately torture the OW, but because he has something special to him that he doesnt want to let go, so he tries to keep the thing alive.

 

In these cases, two things happen..The MM has a D Day, and now, with a gun to his head, is forced to drop the OW...Or the OW musters the courage to walk..If you think this doesnt hurt the MM, you are mistaken. It hurts like all hell. A lifetime of guilt for the BS and heartbreak from the loss of the OW...

 

Not all scenarios play out this way, but many do...

 

TFY

 

I understand the intentions are not always to be a predator. Some of these MM are genuinely looking for an emotional connection, to be desired, and appreciated.

 

Still, can you see that the OW takes him at his word? His word that he not only wants, but intends to be with her? That's where the trouble starts.... He starts saying these things, then promises these things, then starts with excuses.

 

If he would simply wake up and explain what you did.....divorce is a failure that he's not willing to endure.... It would allow the OW to walk away sooner.

 

Regardless of intentions, many end up being cake eaters simply because they won't be honest with themselves. The dishonesty starts with their wife, then they lie to themselves, and finally the OW.

 

It's an evolution that really comes down to selfishness in the end.

[thefooloftheyear]

I understand the intentions are not always to be a predator. Some of these MM are genuinely looking for an emotional connection, to be desired, and appreciated.

 

Still, can you see that the OW takes him at his word? His word that he not only wants, but intends to be with her? That's where the trouble starts.... He starts saying these things, then promises these things, then starts with excuses.

 

If he would simply wake up and explain what you did.....divorce is a failure that he's not willing to endure.... It would allow the OW to walk away sooner.

 

Regardless of intentions, many end up being cake eaters simply because they won't be honest with themselves. The dishonesty starts with their wife, then they lie to themselves, and finally the OW.

 

It's an evolution that really comes down to selfishness in the end.

 

 

Agree with all....However...

 

Whos to say that he wouldnt actually keep his word, just because the timeline she sets.. doesnt get met? Just walk away?? Yeah, right... Its NOT FCGKING EASY!!! Depending on the circumstances, the situation could be easy or murderous. I cant speak for all, but what it comes down to is he(MM) might think he could do it, but despite all of the scenarios and soul searching finds out he cant. That doesnt mean he is "stringing her along", and it doesnt mean he is a coward..If that were the case, then he would have known fully that he was never going to leave. Some really want to, but cant and dont realize it until the shyt hits the fan.

 

 

I do sympathize and understand the OW;s position...Some are not so understanding though. They want you to just drop everything for them. And if you dont, then that means you dont truly love them. I dont believe in all this "move mountains, and sweep me off my feet" crap..Thats for romance novels...sorry..life doesnt work that way-especially when kids are involved.,

 

I would be willing to bet any amount of money that some OW's sabotaged their own chance at the MM, just by being petulant, impatient, and not understanding the gravity of the situation. Not ONE single time did she ever want to discuss it or plan how it was going to get done. She didnt care what type of personal battle I was fighting. She was like a 6 year old and I was the toy she was b!tching and crying to her parents to buy for her.

 

It all sucks...Period...

 

TFY

[Red Wolverine]

Agree with all....However...

 

Whos to say that he wouldnt actually keep his word, just because the timeline she sets.. doesnt get met? Just walk away?? Yeah, right... Its NOT FCGKING EASY!!! Depending on the circumstances, the situation could be easy or murderous. I cant speak for all, but what it comes down to is he(MM) might think he could do it, but despite all of the scenarios and soul searching finds out he cant. That doesnt mean he is "stringing her along", and it doesnt mean he is a coward..If that were the case, then he would have known fully that he was never going to leave. Some really want to, but cant and dont realize it until the shyt hits the fan.

 

 

I do sympathize and understand the OW;s position...Some are not so understanding though. They want you to just drop everything for them. And if you dont, then that means you dont truly love them. I dont believe in all this "move mountains, and sweep me off my feet" crap..Thats for romance novels...sorry..life doesnt work that way-especially when kids are involved.,

 

I would be willing to bet any amount of money that some OW's sabotaged their own chance at the MM, just by being petulant, impatient, and not understanding the gravity of the situation. Not ONE single time did she ever want to discuss it or plan how it was going to get done. She didnt care what type of personal battle I was fighting. She was like a 6 year old and I was the toy she was b!tching and crying to her parents to buy for her.

 

It all sucks...Period...

 

TFY

 

It does suck. I'm not excusing anything, but rather explaining it.

 

It's easy with sex. you want it, you go find it. Expectations, at least from the married AP, are understood. In some cases, you're starving for a connection with someone. Then you get more than you bargained for if you fall in love with this person.

 

Then, expectations are out the window and you're wondering how can I make this work and not hurt anyone. I'm a mother first so I understand the difference children make.

 

In my affair, he made the decision to divorce. The only decision I made was not to continue an affair. I understood the children component and actually extended his timeline for his kids. I'm not sure if he would have followed through eventually but I now believe how we met would have doomed us regardless.

 

Love is not enough.

[thefooloftheyear]

It does suck. I'm not excusing anything, but rather explaining it.

 

It's easy with sex. you want it, you go find it. Expectations, at least from the married AP, are understood. In some cases, you're starving for a connection with someone. Then you get more than you bargained for if you fall in love with this person.

 

Then, expectations are out the window and you're wondering how can I make this work and not hurt anyone. I'm a mother first so I understand the difference children make.

 

In my affair, he made the decision to divorce. The only decision I made was not to continue an affair. I understood the children component and actually extended his timeline for his kids. I'm not sure if he would have followed through eventually but I now believe how we met would have doomed us regardless.

 

Love is not enough.

 

Sounds familiar....eerily so...but she was a nut and you arent.

 

TFY

Edited September 19, 2013 by thefooloftheyear

[Peanut9330]

I can't really judge anyone because I’m on the outside looking in. I can only state how I myself feel about having affairs, if I was involved with MM it would drive me insane. First of I would always wonder what he does when he's with his wife. It would bother me that I couldn’t call him anytime I wanted even if it was just to hear his voice because I missed him. I would be upset if we couldn't see each other anytime we wanted or take a trip together. I personally couldn't imagine living my life like that I can't fathom how OW/OM cope with that aspect. I would imagine that being in this kind of relationship is very hard on both people. That's why I could never get involved with a MM and I suppose that's why I have such a hard time getting over the fact that I am being perused by these men. There are two sides to every story and I’m only hearing a very small part of it.

[thefooloftheyear]

Maybe that's because most women work A LOT HARDER than men in a marriage. Most work a full time job outside the home as well take on 90% of the child care, cooking, cleaning, shopping, laundry and everything ELSE. It's friggen exhausting and one of the most THANKLESS jobs a woman will ever do.

 

A few posts back, someone quoted what his married buddies claim their wives will use as an excuse because they're too tired for sex - "I work full time and take care of the kids and everything else and you want me to perform in bed, too?" and "I have responsibilities," etc. etc. What these stupid ass men don't GET is that the women are working their tails off every SINGLE day and they're full of resentment. Been there and done THAT.

 

I hear so many men here use the "equality" argument when it suits THEM - because they want women to persue them, because they want women to pay for dates, and because they want woman to do 50% of the heavy lifting. And they're constantly spouting off with the argumeent about "equality" and how women wanted it so bad, so now they have to put up or shut up.

 

But get most of these same guys in a situation where they're living together with a woman or married to her, and like magic, that equality argument goes RIGHT OUT THE WINDOW. Suddenly, they want to be old fashioned and expect the woman to do the clear majority of everything PLUS work outside the home. They think just because they wash the dishes or give the kids a bath or stop at the damned store for a gallon of milk and a loaf of bread, that they're doing their equal share.

 

There are exceptions to every rule but I honestly have never known a man who does the same amount of work around the house as their wives. Not a ONE. And these wives also hold down full time jobs as well.

 

No wonder most of these women feel resentful and have no desire for their husbands. They're tired of doing it ALL.

 

So before a woman falls for some smarmy married horse's ass who whines about how he's neglected at home and his wife doesn't perform like a circus seal for him, maybe she should ask the lazy moron what HE'S doing to contribute to the household. I'd be willing to bet it's precious LITTLE.

 

 

Yawn.....

 

I work 70 hours a week, run two businesses, do all of the maintenance in the house, fix everything that breaks, do ALL of the yardwork, fix the cars, manage all the money,(finally hired a landscaper that I pay for-ifd still do that but its two acres and I ran out of hours in the day)..Other than a few Mickey Mouse part time jobs over the years, she NEVER worked. What do I get in return?

 

House never really clean, I came home regularly to the breakfast dishes still in the sink, garbage over flowing. No food in the fridge(money NOT the issue), clothes all over the place..

 

If I dared say anything, shed come back with "I only have two hands"...Really, then I must be a fcking octopus.

 

Most of the guys I know are like myself, major earners that pay for everything..If their wife works at all, its for lunch money. I have no idea who these guys are you speak of.,

 

Like i stated before...You want to carry the workload and pay the lions share of everything Ill have the house cleaner than you could ever imagine, and I wont put on 60 or 100 lbs like many women do.

 

Spare me...

 

TFY

[phineas]

Maybe that's because most women work A LOT HARDER than men in a marriage. Most work a full time job outside the home as well take on 90% of the child care, cooking, cleaning, shopping, laundry and everything ELSE. It's friggen exhausting and one of the most THANKLESS jobs a woman will ever do.

 

A few posts back, someone quoted what his married buddies claim their wives will use as an excuse because they're too tired for sex - "I work full time and take care of the kids and everything else and you want me to perform in bed, too?" and "I have responsibilities," etc. etc. What these stupid ass men don't GET is that the women are working their tails off every SINGLE day and they're full of resentment. Been there and done THAT.

 

I hear so many men here use the "equality" argument when it suits THEM - because they want women to persue them, because they want women to pay for dates, and because they want woman to do 50% of the heavy lifting. And they're constantly spouting off with the argumeent about "equality" and how women wanted it so bad, so now they have to put up or shut up.

 

But get most of these same guys in a situation where they're living together with a woman or married to her, and like magic, that equality argument goes RIGHT OUT THE WINDOW. Suddenly, they want to be old fashioned and expect the woman to do the clear majority of everything PLUS work outside the home. They think just because they wash the dishes or give the kids a bath or stop at the damned store for a gallon of milk and a loaf of bread, that they're doing their equal share.

 

There are exceptions to every rule but I honestly have never known a man who does the same amount of work around the house as their wives. Not a ONE. And these wives also hold down full time jobs as well.

 

No wonder most of these women feel resentful and have no desire for their husbands. They're tired of doing it ALL.

 

So before a woman falls for some smarmy married horse's ass who whines about how he's neglected at home and his wife doesn't perform like a circus seal for him, maybe she should ask the lazy moron what HE'S doing to contribute to the household. I'd be willing to bet it's precious LITTLE.

 

Straight outta the 1950's. Are you a wizard?

 

Yawn.....

 

I work 70 hours a week, run two businesses, do all of the maintenance in the house, fix everything that breaks, do ALL of the yardwork, fix the cars, manage all the money,(finally hired a landscaper that I pay for-ifd still do that but its two acres and I ran out of hours in the day)..Other than a few Mickey Mouse part time jobs over the years, she NEVER worked. What do I get in return?

 

House never really clean, I came home regularly to the breakfast dishes still in the sink, garbage over flowing. No food in the fridge(money NOT the issue), clothes all over the place..

 

If I dared say anything, shed come back with "I only have two hands"...Really, then I must be a fcking octopus.

 

Most of the guys I know are like myself, major earners that pay for everything..If their wife works at all, its for lunch money. I have no idea who these guys are you speak of.,

 

Like i stated before...You want to carry the workload and pay the lions share of everything Ill have the house cleaner than you could ever imagine, and I wont put on 60 or 100 lbs like many women do.

 

Spare me...

 

TFY

 

I'm divorced, work full time, own a house, and have my boys 5 days a week.

Do it all now. Did it all when I was actually married.

Cook, clean, sew, lift weights, maintain the house, and spend time with the kids ect.

You know what I don't have time for?

Going out.

 

Hell, since online dating i've met women who don't cook & sometimes my house is cleaner than theirs & they don't even have kids.

 

 

I would also like to add, for the OP, this isn't a man or woman thing. It's a society thing.

Ever since I've gotten in shape i've had quite a few married women approach me just looking for sex.

I'm not talking separated either.

Full on married with on intentions of divorce just looking for sex.

 

Granted the majority of them i'm met online dating & with minimal detective work plus just not being a dummy it was easy to figure out they were lying about being divorced.

Edited September 20, 2013 by phineas

[atreides]

 

If I dared say anything, shed come back with "I only have two hands"...Really, then I must be a fcking octopus.

 

TFY

 

Now that is Priceless

[Peanut9330]

Yawn.....

 

I work 70 hours a week, run two businesses, do all of the maintenance in the house, fix everything that breaks, do ALL of the yardwork, fix the cars, manage all the money,(finally hired a landscaper that I pay for-ifd still do that but its two acres and I ran out of hours in the day)..Other than a few Mickey Mouse part time jobs over the years, she NEVER worked. What do I get in return?

 

House never really clean, I came home regularly to the breakfast dishes still in the sink, garbage over flowing. No food in the fridge(money NOT the issue), clothes all over the place..

 

If I dared say anything, shed come back with "I only have two hands"...Really, then I must be a fcking octopus.

 

Most of the guys I know are like myself, major earners that pay for everything..If their wife works at all, its for lunch money. I have no idea who these guys are you speak of.,

 

Like i stated before...You want to carry the workload and pay the lions share of everything Ill have the house cleaner than you could ever imagine, and I wont put on 60 or 100 lbs like many women do.

 

Spare me...

 

TFY

 

I feel you here and totally agree if my man is working and supporting us and taking care of the household maintenance it would only be fair that it was my responsibility to do the rest. I would have no issue cleaning cooking and taking care of the kids, in fact I would do it in appreciation of all that he's doing for me. It's exhausting to have to work all day and then come home to a messy house with nothing to eat and the kids running around all over the place. If I was working and my SO would be at home I would expect the same in return and if he didn't do that I would really feel underappreciated.

[JessieJ08]

Well just because your wife doesn't clean your house everyday til its shiny and cook for you right when you get home and whatever else doesn't mean you cheat also either does you not getting sex on a daily basis.... its funny cus all these problems are what comes with marriage every married couple has been thru these things and if they havent yet they will eventually. Marriage is WORK. so if you cant handle then stay single have sex with you who you want do what you want but dont use marriage as an excuse to be a cheater. These MM and MW are Low individuals and thats what it comes down to, the reason the ow or om always ends up hurt is because these ppl lack to make a true commitment with one human being not even with there wives or husbands.

 

Not only is it the most pathetic thing I have ever heard anyone say I have an excuse for why I cheat its cowardly even more so for a married person. Society today really has it where we let these type of ppl use excuses for bad behavior like they deserve my sympathy you come to me trying to cheat on your wife and want me to feel bad for you cus your failing in your marriage basically Lol Yea excuses to be dirt Bag thats more of a reason to not associate with these sick individuals. And also not only does it show sickness it also shows weakness like your a man how weak and emotional for you to look for an emotional connection out of your home instead of handling whats going on in your home Not Manly at all more like a little boy and you can keep your little boy pecker to yourself I dont want it.

[thefooloftheyear]

Well just because your wife doesn't clean your house everyday til its shiny and cook for you right when you get home and whatever else doesn't mean you cheat also either does you not getting sex on a daily basis.... its funny cus all these problems are what comes with marriage every married couple has been thru these things and if they havent yet they will eventually. Marriage is WORK. so if you cant handle then stay single have sex with you who you want do what you want but dont use marriage as an excuse to be a cheater. These MM and MW are Low individuals and thats what it comes down to, the reason the ow or om always ends up hurt is because these ppl lack to make a true commitment with one human being not even with there wives or husbands.

 

Not only is it the most pathetic thing I have ever heard anyone say I have an excuse for why I cheat its cowardly even more so for a married person. Society today really has it where we let these type of ppl use excuses for bad behavior like they deserve my sympathy you come to me trying to cheat on your wife and want me to feel bad for you cus your failing in your marriage basically Lol Yea excuses to be dirt Bag thats more of a reason to not associate with these sick individuals. And also not only does it show sickness it also shows weakness like your a man how weak and emotional for you to look for an emotional connection out of your home instead of handling whats going on in your home Not Manly at all more like a little boy and you can keep your little boy pecker to yourself I dont want it.

 

 

 

I dunno, did I miss something? Whos is saying anything about it justifying cheating? Its like anything else, if you are the heavy and the other person isnt doing their part, then resentment builds..

 

And you're damned right its a big fcking deal if one person is working their ass off and the other person isnt working at all that the damn house better be clean. No one wants to come home to that shyt.

 

You sure sound bitter...

 

TFY

[JessieJ08]

No Im not bitter Im not married but please if I work a full time job and my husband doesn't and say I come home it isn't clean Im not going to go cheat on him. If it isn't to justify then why are they bringing up the issues then as a reason to cheat on someone. Its simple your not happy with how someone acts looks or behave get a divorce.

 

Whats funny is most men/ women that complain of these things never get a divorce from the person who is making them so unhappy and not putting into the marriage. The divorce dont happen until they get busted by their husband or wife so if its not an excuse then what is it why talk about it? They are just as guilty as the other person so why feel bad for them they are actually doing worse then the other person by cheating. It is also Laziness to actually put in 100% into their marriage also .

 

Idk but I def dont marry someone and expect them to clean my house for me just because I work and they dont. Alot of those men feel entitled to these things, when they get married they think oh home cooked meals clean house and never doing my laundry again. Lol Yea right maybe your wife should do most like handle the kids and cook and keep things organized and neat through out the day but its not just her home just because you get off work doesn't mean your day is over specially if you have kids not saying for a wife to pick up less slack but hey you should help with these things also I mean I have never seen a wife do all that alone perfectly my mother was a stay at home and my father worked full time but he came home and helped when he could and was more then happy to He never complained about his role in the marriage and never cheated he Loved my mother.

[Red Wolverine]

Ohhhh, this is gonna be a good thread.

 

Some reasons that you can bet on why these married men do this sleazy stuff.

 

1. They want hot sex and their wives aren't supplying that. In this scenario, the wife got the ring, she's got the kids, the security of a husband with a good paying job, not she suddenly can't be bothered with sex too often.

 

2. The man doesn't care about the wife, and never did. A lot of men get married for the wrong reasons: it was expected of him. He thought it was time. He wanted to start a family. The woman looked like she would make an acceptable wife, etc.

 

3. The wife let herself go. Some men don't mind. Some do.

 

4. He's a sex addict, and the wife wasn't smart enough or was naïve enough not to dig deep and find this out before she married him.

 

I can't believe I'm going to do this but here goes...

 

Men or women, sometimes people are in marriages that are bad. Marriages that are not partnership in any sense of the word. Marriages without honesty about basic things. Where your spouse gives the best to everyone else and gives their spouse the remainder... Typically the bad stuff because, hey you're my spouse so you'll love me anyway, right?

 

Wrong. At some point, you realize your core needs to feel loved, appreciated, and secure are non-existent. You've shared these things with your spouse and got sarcasm, excuses, or false promises of change. Over time, resentment builds and these needs continuing to be denied becomes devastating. Still, you press on with a life of details and routine. Your children are your motivation.

 

Then you realize your children notice the distance between their parents. Yep, failed again because the kids know something's up.

 

It's so easy to say... Divorce. It's not so easy when you're signing your spouse and yourself up to be part-time parents. Not so easy when you consider breaking a child's heart by signing them up to lose a family. A family is a basic need and right for a child. It feels like the ultimate failure when it's your family and your children.

 

Yes, none of this excuses an affair. People get divorced every day. Still, it's not so easy when you're trying to keep your head above water and you feel yourself sinking fast. Excusable? No.

 

Understandable? Completely. I'm glad you haven't been there with the marriage, the divorce, an affair, or the kids. It's devastating all the way around.

 

We aren't bad people. Rather good people who made bad choices.

Edited September 21, 2013 by Red Wolverine

[thefooloftheyear]

No Im not bitter Im not married but please if I work a full time job and my husband doesn't and say I come home it isn't clean Im not going to go cheat on him. If it isn't to justify then why are they bringing up the issues then as a reason to cheat on someone. Its simple your not happy with how someone acts looks or behave get a divorce.

 

Whats funny is most men/ women that complain of these things never get a divorce from the person who is making them so unhappy and not putting into the marriage. The divorce dont happen until they get busted by their husband or wife so if its not an excuse then what is it why talk about it? They are just as guilty as the other person so why feel bad for them they are actually doing worse then the other person by cheating. It is also Laziness to actually put in 100% into their marriage also .

 

Idk but I def dont marry someone and expect them to clean my house for me just because I work and they dont. Alot of those men feel entitled to these things, when they get married they think oh home cooked meals clean house and never doing my laundry again. Lol Yea right maybe your wife should do most like handle the kids and cook and keep things organized and neat through out the day but its not just her home just because you get off work doesn't mean your day is over specially if you have kids not saying for a wife to pick up less slack but hey you should help with these things also I mean I have never seen a wife do all that alone perfectly my mother was a stay at home and my father worked full time but he came home and helped when he could and was more then happy to He never complained about his role in the marriage and never cheated he Loved my mother.

 

 

You dont get it....

 

It has NOTHING to do with a clean house or a cooked meal...Ive said it before. If I happened to meet a brain surgeon that made a fortune and wanted me to be a "stay at home" guy, the LAST thing I would do is reward her hard work, by being a stay at home slob.

 

And go back and read my other post...I work sometimes 7 days a week. I get home late often...So, you are going to tell me that you wouldnt be resentful if you were in my shoes and after working a 13 hour day while your partner didnt work at all, came home to a catastrophe in the house?

 

Nonsense....ANYONE would...It builds resentment in the relationship..You start to feel like a donkey instead of a man. Yes, there are some "pushover" "yes dear" kind of men that let their wives crap all over them for the "luxury" of some sex every once in a while..What can I tell you, thats just NOT me..

 

I cant say it any better than Red Wolverine did...Go and read her post...Read it twice...Then it will start to sink in...

 

TFY

Edited September 21, 2013 by thefooloftheyear

[JessieJ08]

I just dont think cheaters cheat because these things I think they cheat simply for sex either way its an excuse I mean ok your not in a good marriage and you dont want your kids hurt but you rather them be raised in a home where the parents have zero respect for one another? Great so they can go out and treat people like crap because thats what they know.

 

I dont find the excuse of staying with someone because of children good enough if you and that person cant show these kids how to communicate and what being in a loving relationship is and mostly what respect is and how it is earned.

 

I think as long as you remain in your childrens lives and dont argue and talk bad about the divorce and each other your kids may grow up being thankful and understanding to why you got the divorce not resenting you for it.

 

Then yes Im well aware people today get married for the wrong reasons but look at what you guys are saying thats the whole reason divorce rate is so high and why the value in marriage is not as high as it use to be.

 

Very few people honor marriage and what it values anymore I for sure wouldn't marry anyone who thought the way you guys did no offense but I just wouldn't, but that's just me marriage to me should be considered way higher then that or you shouldn't get married.

[thefooloftheyear]

I just dont think cheaters cheat because these things I think they cheat simply for sex either way its an excuse I mean ok your not in a good marriage and you dont want your kids hurt but you rather them be raised in a home where the parents have zero respect for one another? Great so they can go out and treat people like crap because thats what they know.

 

I dont find the excuse of staying with someone because of children good enough if you and that person cant show these kids how to communicate and what being in a loving relationship is and mostly what respect is and how it is earned.

 

I think as long as you remain in your childrens lives and dont argue and talk bad about the divorce and each other your kids may grow up being thankful and understanding to why you got the divorce not resenting you for it.

 

Then yes Im well aware people today get married for the wrong reasons but look at what you guys are saying thats the whole reason divorce rate is so high and why the value in marriage is not as high as it use to be.

 

Very few people honor marriage and what it values anymore I for sure wouldn't marry anyone who thought the way you guys did no offense but I just wouldn't, but that's just me marriage to me should be considered way higher then that or you shouldn't get married.

 

 

This is the reason I wouldnt give Derek Jeter advice on hitting a baseball..

 

Live it, take your lumps, then come back and post about your experiences..You might have a completely different outlook.

 

TFY

[Red Wolverine]

I just dont think cheaters cheat because these things I think they cheat simply for sex either way its an excuse I mean ok your not in a good marriage and you dont want your kids hurt but you rather them be raised in a home where the parents have zero respect for one another? Great so they can go out and treat people like crap because thats what they know.

 

I dont find the excuse of staying with someone because of children good enough if you and that person cant show these kids how to communicate and what being in a loving relationship is and mostly what respect is and how it is earned.

 

I think as long as you remain in your childrens lives and dont argue and talk bad about the divorce and each other your kids may grow up being thankful and understanding to why you got the divorce not resenting you for it.

 

Then yes Im well aware people today get married for the wrong reasons but look at what you guys are saying thats the whole reason divorce rate is so high and why the value in marriage is not as high as it use to be.

 

Very few people honor marriage and what it values anymore I for sure wouldn't marry anyone who thought the way you guys did no offense but I just wouldn't, but that's just me marriage to me should be considered way higher then that or you shouldn't get married.

 

I valued my marriage. Hell, I moved 2000 miles to build a life with this man who ultimately became my husband. I promised to love, honor, and cherish him. I believed he would do the same.

 

This man systematically tried to destroy my spirit. It was subtle. Like anyone else in a marriage, I needed to feel supported, loved, and secure. Once my first child arrived, he figured I was trapped. Trapped because he knew I was alone in this state. No family, very few support systems outside of a couple people I worked with. I was so busy working and taking care of my child that I didn't have the network of support most people build when they live somewhere for an extended period of time. He was my primary person. Should have been since he was my husband.

 

Sure I saw a few signs here and there but he would snap into action with excuses and promises of changes it never lasted. Why did I stay? My child. This increased after my second child. He actually asked me, quite sarcastically, where I was going to go if I left him, when I was pregnant with my second child. I was then reminded that he could take both of my children out of the country if I tried to leave him.

 

I'm a confident, self-sufficient woman. I never bought his bs that I was expecting too much, that it was "rigid" (he loved to call me that), or that I was a failure. I found myself married to a passive aggressive, emotionally unstable man who owns an arsenal of guns that outmatch a SWAT team.

 

Right or wrong, it would have been selfish for me to leave him. He wasn't capable of taking care of my children. He had the financial means to leave with them. He had the mental instability to hurt them to hurt me. They are my life and he knows it. You know these situations when a man killed his children and perhaps his wife and/or himself? His response when seeing these on the news was...."I guess she did something that really pissed him off." Many nights I laid in bed wondering if I would wake up. That was shameful to me. Still, protecting my children was and remains my priority.

 

My beloved husband became a man who coldly told me, "We are married for life." I couldn't keep him away from our children. No legal means. He isn't stupid. Far from it. Very cunning.

 

He was abused as a child. I thought he was one who overcame it. One who used it as a catalyst to having the life he wanted. Turned out he is incapable of forming an emotional attachment to another person. His emotions are all an act. Most people love him. He acts like a normal person. The real person is so emotionally stunted that he views everyone else as a means to meet his needs. To this day, everything that doesn't go is way is someone else's fault. Usually mine.

 

So, I waited. Waited for my children to grow. I thrived in my career. I immersed myself in creating a beautiful home for my children. Thankfully, some of my family moved close to me. My friendships prospered. I was thankful to have support once in a while but I never wanted my burden to be theirs.

 

This is not a man you could work through a divorce with. I told him many times we needed to divorce. Calmly took the hit and said he deserved someone who could make him happy. He didn't want that. Why would he? He had a built in house cleaner, caretaker of his children, and an additional six figure salary coming in.

 

I had a plan to leave for years. Very elaborate plan. Two days before that day, he was in an accident that should have killed him. Realistically, that was the time to go. He was physically incapable of hurting anyone. I couldn't do it. Regardless of him being my husband, he is the father of my children. What would it say to them if I left him like that? I stayed. It was very difficult to be ready to go then need to stay. He had extensive injuries that required a lot of care. His recovery was long.

 

I planned a new date to leave. In the meantime, I met a man in a similar situation. Right or wrong, I starving for someone who understood. He was that and more. He got me through the execution of my plan, subsequent medical crisis, and so much more.

 

I'm sorry I had an affair at the end of my marriage. My regret is outside of my marriage. None if my regret is related to my husband. He stopped being my husband years ago. I don't regret meeting the man I had an affair with. He helped me heal. He made me realize I am still capable of having a respectful, loving relationship with a man.

 

When and if it happens, I'll have that with a single man. I'll never settle for anything else. A year later, my husband continues to drag the divorce out. I waived alimony, gave him the house, and proposed a 50/50 split of our children. For a man, it's a divorce dream. Why does he drag it out? Simply because he can.

 

I hope you never find yourself in my shoes. The marriage or the affair. Regardless, I did what I needed to do. I am strong and I made it through. My children are adjusting well. I'm at peace with my life. Finally.

[JessieJ08]

Red Wolverine I am not speaking about people who are abused and forced into staying with someone for the safety of their children. Abuse is a whole different ball game. I will say you have a bigger heart then I could someone so abusive I would get away right away I have kids I may not have ever married any of their fathers but for the same reasons you went thru what you did one was a serial cheater for no reason the other abusive and I could not marry either when given the option.

 

Do I feel I have wronged my sons in any way No I think I have made their lives way more better then they would have been if I would have been trapped in a marriage with any of these men. I actually felt like me having my kids made it easier to walk away from these situations I dont want my sons looking up to men who are not fatherly nor husband material. What these men lack with you when it comes to love they will lack with your children also.

 

Now they still see their dads I have no say in that its never my attention to come between them I wouldn't be a loving mother nor do I speak about their dads bad, but I would never risk marrying someone out of loneliness or someone who didn't treat me right thats just asking for misery. Im not the type to be loving when I don't get anything in return not because Im high maintenance but ppl will run over you if you let them and Im not one to let anyone run over or have that control over my life so easily. If your not marriage material I walk away.

 

The thing with most cheaters is they don't blame themselves for their situations you choose to marry someone who was a risk without seeing the real man and it back fired the worst way. It shouldn't have to take another man for you to have walked away from that abusive man, but Im sorry for what you went thru.

[Red Wolverine]

Red Wolverine I am not speaking about people who are abused and forced into staying with someone for the safety of their children. Abuse is a whole different ball game. I will say you have a bigger heart then I could someone so abusive I would get away right away I have kids I may not have ever married any of their fathers but for the same reasons you went thru what you did one was a serial cheater for no reason the other abusive and I could not marry either when given the option.

 

Do I feel I have wronged my sons in any way No I think I have made their lives way more better then they would have been if I would have been trapped in a marriage with any of these men. I actually felt like me having my kids made it easier to walk away from these situations I dont want my sons looking up to men who are not fatherly nor husband material. What these men lack with you when it comes to love they will lack with your children also.

 

Now they still see their dads I have no say in that its never my attention to come between them I wouldn't be a loving mother nor do I speak about their dads bad, but I would never risk marrying someone out of loneliness or someone who didn't treat me right thats just asking for misery. Im not the type to be loving when I don't get anything in return not because Im high maintenance but ppl will run over you if you let them and Im not one to let anyone run over or have that control over my life so easily. If your not marriage material I walk away.

 

The thing with most cheaters is they don't blame themselves for their situations you choose to marry someone who was a risk without seeing the real man and it back fired the worst way. It shouldn't have to take another man for you to have walked away from that abusive man, but Im sorry for what you went thru.

 

In case it wasn't clear... My plan was in motion long before I met the man I ultimately had an affair with. He had nothing to do with it other than emotionally supporting me during and after I left.

[Red Wolverine]

Don't you dare tell me that I haven't been there as far as divorce, how it's affected the kids, etc. I went through a horrific divorce and all the things you said about the kids were what I was trying to avoid by staying as long as I did at the expense of my happiness. STILL, I had enough decency not to cheat. Don't use excuses because you are not woman enough or man enough to get out instead of having sex without someone besides your spouse. Grow a back bone and stop the wimpy excuses. The cheating is disgusting. Period.

 

Wimpy excuses? I think it's fair to say that POS I call the father of my children deserved much more than me leaving him.

 

Cheating on him doesn't come close to settling that score. No guilt here.

[Red Wolverine]

What?? Cheating on him is worse than you staying in the marriage with him. Have you no shame? You are selfish. You are concerned with yourself and your children, not him. You need to just leave. I hope he finds out your dirty little secret.

 

Can you read? I left a year ago. Yep. My affair starting a few weeks before I left was selfish. Big whoop.

 

Walk a mile in my shoes, then keep walking. I've got more shoes.