Married Men

[Red Wolverine]

 

The thing with most cheaters is they don't blame themselves for their situations you choose to marry someone who was a risk without seeing the real man and it back fired the worst way. It shouldn't have to take another man for you to have walked away from that abusive man, but Im sorry for what you went thru.

 

One other point..... I didn't see who he really was until my first child was born.

 

No one could have known. I was with him for two years before I married him, then married for another five years before I had my first child. It's inaccurate to say I took a risk and it backfired. He waited to show his true colors when he knew I couldn't leave the state because we now shared a child.

 

The man is essentially a con. No one really knows him.

 

Everyone who marries takes a risk.

[JessieJ08]

Let me just point this out also Red Wolverine your trying to play victim to an abusive mans behavior but what sense if this person is so abusive and your staying with them because of fear,children ect. basically you have no choice your going to go cheat on someone who would if they found out you were cheating would prob snap and hurt you or your children maybe?

 

I just feel like your using this guys abuse as a reason to make it ok and as stated before thats called an excuse what makes you better then him in this situation? If what it took for you to protect yourself and your children was another man, I get staying there for the sake of your kids and your own safety until you figure out a safe plan or situation to leave but not staying around and cheating on an abuser that is just going to make the abuse worse. That for your actually making a worse situation out of a bad one for you and your kids.

 

There is no arguing cheaters are wrong I dont care with every excuse you can come up with to make it ok it can be easily knocked down Why most people who cheat have deeper issues with themselves its not the people around them They are insecure, too emotional,weak individuals, lack self respect for themselves and can't be alone . Like I stated before I dated a cheater never once did I think to go cheat back, I had a kid with him, sure I had enough reason to get him back or whatever for the way I was treated but seriously I have enough love and strength for myself to get the hell away and find someone who wont cheat and thinks like I do marriage or not.

 

Just because someone does me dirty doesn't mean I have to go down to their level of low I would rather just walk away and move on with my life I dont want to justify why I treated someone who is a bad person bad I much rather learn from them and remember the way they treated me so I don't end up making or falling for that type of guy again.

 

Walking away is whats healthy and best for you and the other person. If you cant right away then patience until you can specially in a marriage these Men/women are way wrong because they took vows to be with that one person til death not to be with them and every other person just because they get abused or their spouse doesnt clean or cook. They promise to work out their problems no matter what a rises and if for whatever reason they cant they need to divorce for their own health. It maybe hard for your kids but like I said kids grow up they start understanding and as long as you let them know you tried your hardest to stay together they are not going to be as upset, I dont think cheating on your husband or wife is trying your hardest at all.

[Red Wolverine]

Let me just point this out also Red Wolverine your trying to play victim to an abusive mans behavior but what sense if this person is so abusive and your staying with them because of fear,children ect. basically you have no choice your going to go cheat on someone who would if they found out you were cheating would prob snap and hurt you or your children maybe?

 

I just feel like your using this guys abuse as a reason to make it ok and as stated before thats called an excuse what makes you better then him in this situation? If what it took for you to protect yourself and your children was another man, I get staying there for the sake of your kids and your own safety until you figure out a safe plan or situation to leave but not staying around and cheating on an abuser that is just going to make the abuse worse. That for your actually making a worse situation out of a bad one for you and your kids.

 

There is no arguing cheaters are wrong I dont care with every excuse you can come up with to make it ok it can be easily knocked down Why most people who cheat have deeper issues with themselves its not the people around them They are insecure, too emotional,weak individuals, lack self respect for themselves and can't be alone . Like I stated before I dated a cheater never once did I think to go cheat back, I had a kid with him, sure I had enough reason to get him back or whatever for the way I was treated but seriously I have enough love and strength for myself to get the hell away and find someone who wont cheat and thinks like I do marriage or not.

 

Just because someone does me dirty doesn't mean I have to go down to their level of low I would rather just walk away and move on with my life I dont want to justify why I treated someone who is a bad person bad I much rather learn from them and remember the way they treated me so I don't end up making or falling for that type of guy again.

 

Walking away is whats healthy and best for you and the other person. If you cant right away then patience until you can specially in a marriage these Men/women are way wrong because they took vows to be with that one person til death not to be with them and every other person just because they get abused or their spouse doesnt clean or cook. They promise to work out their problems no matter what a rises and if for whatever reason they cant they need to divorce for their own health. It maybe hard for your kids but like I said kids grow up they start understanding and as long as you let them know you tried your hardest to stay together they are not going to be as upset, I dont think cheating on your husband or wife is trying your hardest at all.

 

You can point out whatever you want but you're missing the point.

 

I'm not a victim of an abusive husband. I got myself into that marriage with the belief that he was a good man. Seven years later, I discovered he wasn't. Being an adult and more so, a mother, I had to wait many more years to ensure my children were capable of expressing and demanding their basic needs were met when they were eventually split between their father and I. I took responsibility for getting out of the marriage while ensuring my children's needs were met. Period.

 

I haven't made any excuses for my affair. I provided an explanation for why I stayed. My affair started 6 weeks before I left him via a plan that had been put in motion for years. The end of my marriage and my affair have no correlation whatsoever.

 

As for him finding out... That would have required him to pay any attention to what was going on outside of his little world. By that point, I doubt he would have cared. It simply would have been one more way for him to play the victim. Damn right I'll deny him that. He deserves nothing from me.

 

All of your pie in the sky advice about being an adult, talking through things and honestly caring about your spouse didn't matter to him. He's an unreasonable, paranoid baby who is incapable of taking responsibility for himself. I make my living off of my ability to communicate and negotiate. I solve problems all day long. None of that was possible when dealing with a man who acts likes a petulant child when he's not in control.

 

Hopefully you have better luck than me but I won't be bashing myself. I did what I had to do. My children are my greatest example of knowing I did the right thing. I don't need any affirmations from anyone else.

[Peanut9330]

I think we all can agree that there really is no good reason to have an affair, but also we need to remember to not bash anyone either. After all LS is website that people come to get support and opinions so I’m not judging anyone who's involved with a married person.

 

On that note I know a lady that had an affair which eventually led to her leaving her husband for her lover. She had an affair for 7 years while still with her husband and in total has been with her lover for 16 years now. Recently she got a phone call form another woman asking how she knew her husband. Turns out that the whole time that man has been married and had 4 kids with his wife who he's been married to for 20 years. Neither the lady nor his wife had any idea that he was with both of them which then brings me to the question why?? I would assume in this instance that it was all about sex. Either the lady was very naive or just ignored the signs but by the was he acted you could of guessed he was married or involved with someone else. He would only come around during the evening for a few hours and he always had to work every single holiday. Christmas, thanksgiving, new years you name the holiday he was always working. They very rarely went out and she's never not even a single time in the 16 years that's she's been with him been to his house. Now she's heartbroken and destroyed but I wonder how is it that she didn't see the red flags, she even stated that she regrets divorcing her H for this guy. I can't even imagine how his W feels she's been with him all this time and he was cheating on her for 16 years. Of course once everything hit the fan he decided that he wants to work on his marriage. After getting caught after having an affair for 16 years he wants to fix his marriage. I wonder how much longer this would have went on for if his W never found out.

[Peanut9330]

These are the kind of situations that I don’t understand why put yourself through the pain of being with a married person. It's never easy to get divorced but staying in an unsatisfied marriage will lead to bitterness and resentment and it'll only be a matter of time before the kids pick up on it.

[MYCluciferase]

Peanut9330

 

"Also I just want to say that I maintain a professional relationship with them I don’t flirt or keep it a secret that I’m in a happy committed long term relationship.

 

Any thoughts on this..?"

 

Yuck, this job must be totally destroying your respect for men generally, it sounds awful. Is there some selection thing going on? I mean (without asking what your job is specifically), are you dealing with people who are by the interaction enhanced for those more likely to have marriage issues anyway?

 

I hope it doesn't mean that you a have problems trusting your partner.

 

RE:Pierre's comment: "sometimes married men find a woman that is so beautiful that they are compelled to have an affair."

 

I know that that's a jokey comment, but one time I had a very beautiful married coworker that turned up on my doorstep asking to rent my spare room because she'd left her husband. She stayed with me as a housemate for nearly a year and we became quite good friends, partly because she was so thrilled to find a male who didn't try to make a move on her.

She dressed nicely but never the least provocatively.

Just traveling to work with her and meeting her for a drink before heading home or eating out together was amazing - men would be making moves and chat-up lines the whole time, whether they assumed I was her partner or not. This was a woman who had to work hard at not getting a date just walking a block down the city streets, and I soon realized how really tough life was for her in some ways.

 

Peanut9330, just do what you do, give these men a little double take of disgust if you think it helps them realize that they've stepped out momentarily into the gutter of the morally distasteful, and please keep the faith that not every man is like that.

I wish you well.