Marital problems

[Texasmouth]

I am new to the forum.... I have been married to my wife for 7 years and I have a 2 year old daughter. My marriage has never been happy since day one, I am not sure why we got married in the first place. I love my wife and at one time I was really in love with her. There are things that we really disagree about, she is very jealous of any female who becomes a part of my life in any manner, I am not a jealous person. We are very different people but we are very much the same as well, mostly our bad qualities. We are both extremely stubborn and we have become very verbally and at times physically abusive to each other. I am active duty in the military and I just returned from and overseas asignment where I had to leave my wife and 2month old daughter (at the time) for a full year. I knew things would be hard when I returned but never could I have imagined it would be this bad. We rarely go more than a day without a big fight. We are disrepectful and very mean to each other. We rarely have sex anymore and before I left for Korea, we had sex a lot, and I mean a lot, usually once a day or every other day. I am aware that the combination of her giving birth and me leaving her for a year have had a serious effect on her, they have both had a serious effect on me as well. My wife rarely lets me touch her in any type of sexual manner and when we do have sex it is usually the hurry up and go and get off me type. It really frustrates me and makes me feel unloved. I am a man and I am a "soldier" and for me to have these feelings make me feel even worse about myself. I have also gained a few pounds as I have gotten older, I am 29 now and that is another source of pain for me. I have always been in good shape and before I was married I was the traditional ladies man. All of these things have culminated into a hateful, unloving marriage. I know a lot of it is my fault. I don't want a divorce from my wife but I am at the point where I can't even stand to talk to her for more than 5 minutes because all we do is argue no matter what we are talking about. How do I start over? We never let anything go, we hold grudges, we say hateful things to each other when we fight..... sometimes I think we just make up because we don't really have any good friends here.

 

Tonight we got into a huge fight because I emailed an old friend of mine from high school. My firend is a girl and at one time, over 10 years ago long before I met my wife, I had a crush on this girl. We never had sex, we never even dated, we decided to just be friends and that was the end of it. She is like family to me now. My wife knew this before we got married. I moved out of my parents house when i was 16 and this girl's family was like a 2nd family to me. Her brother was my best friend and she and I were really close. My wife thinks that I still have feelings for her and I don't. I can't make it any clearer to her, I don't feel that way about this girl! I even went over a year without talking to her because of my wife's jealousy. I don't think I am being selfish. I rarely talk to her, maybe twice a year or so, I haven't seen her in about 4 years and here is the kicker, she isn't some supermodel 19 year old, she is 27 with three kids and married to one of my closest friends from back home! That is as far away froma threat as someone could be! My friend emailed me a few weeks ago to tell me we were having our class reunion and wanted to know if MY WIFE and I were going to come. I ofcourse never replied, again because of my wife's jealousy. Three weeks went by and she emailed me again to tell me that her brother finished flight school for the marines and asking why I never replied about the reunion. I asked my wife if I could email her back and tell her why we could not makeit (we live in Las Vegas, the reunion was in Texas) and she flew off the handle. Why is she so important to you? Why do you HAVE to email her? Why is she always first in your life? First in my life? I haven't spoken to her in three weeks and even then it was the first time in months.... how was I putting her first. Needless to say, my wife stormed out and went out to a club with a friend tonight after she slapped me in the back of the head.

 

I don't want to live my life like this. I love my daughter very much and I know if I asked for a divorce my wife wouldn't let me see my daughter very often. I am not even sure I want a divorce. Two of my best friends got a divorce in a similar situation and they are both miserable and have told me to always work it out, that they wished they had. I am tired of working it out without ever solving any problems. What do I do? Where do we go from here? Any words from the wise?

[Devildog]

Have you tried marriage counseling?

 

It is never one persons fault in these situations. Both partners bring issues to the table. Getting counseling together, or just you if she is unwilling to go will help you to realize your issues and how to resolve them in a healthy manner.

 

Military marriages are never easy. That is why I never settled down while I was in the Marine Corps. You just spent a year away from your wife and she had to spend the first year of your child's life as a single parent. I know it isn't your choice and it wasn't how you wanted it to be but that is what happened. She is going to feel alot of resentment towards you for having to learn to be a parent on her own and going through the difficult first year of raising a child by herself.

 

Also, you spent a year in a foriegn land by yourself and I would guess your wife struggled every day with wondering if you were being faithful to your marriage. Whether you were or not is irrelevant, she still had no way of knowing if you were. That is probably why she has some jealousy issues with you emailing a female you had feelings for in the past.

 

I think counselling would do you both a world of good for learning how to resolve your issues and actually getting your marriage into a healthy place. If she doesn't want to go I still strongly suggest you go alone. It will help you get your issues reolved and at least eliminate half of the problem. It might make her happier and will alleviate some of her concerns and problems. Might even convince her to seek counseling as well.

[Texasmouth]

Thanks for the advice. I have suggested marriage counseling on a few occasions, she isn't really against it but she doesn't seem too receptive to it either.

 

The overseas thing is something I pride myself on. There was more infidelity there than I have ever witnessed. I know it is a common problem in the military as it is but in Korea it was overwhelming. I remained faithful to her every day that I was there. I completely shut myself off from any type of emotional contact because of that very reason. I think it has been hard to let that wall down. MY wife knew me before we were dating and she was very well aware of my reputation and that is another reason why I think she has trouble trusting me. We did have one incident, as close as I have come to infidelity, when I was teaching I was very attracted to a female student I had. She was 18 and very flirtatious. We had been married for about 4 years at the time and we were both working full time and going to school full time as well and I have to admit, I really missed the attention I always got from other women before I was married. I really started to become more and more infatuated with this student to the point where I had to say ok, enough is enough. I never told the student how I felt about her but I did tell my wife. I was honest about it and I thought it would be better than hiding the fact that I was starting to have feelings for another woman, but I was wrong, it just made the jealousy even worse. It wasn't even a big deal in hind sight, I never acted on any feelings and what guy doesn't lust over other women on a daily basis? I guess I should have just held it in and never told her. I hate being dishonest to her though.

 

I will try to push the counseling idea a little harder and maybe I will attend on my own first.

[Devildog]

Being honest with her was the best course of action in that situation. It might have upset her to hear but it is the best way to lay down a foundation of trust.

 

I don't suggest "pushing" the idea of marriage counseling to her. She has to want to go and make the changes in order for it to be effective. Make an appointment for yourself. Let her know you are doing it and see what happens. It would probably help for you to go seperately at first anyway so the counselor can get an idea of what your issues are. If she decides to go to counseling after you have been there a few times that is good. If she seems like she is agreeing to counseling because she feels obligated to go since you are suggest she go by herself a few times as well.

[Ladyjane14]

I think DevilDog is right on in all of his advice to you. You two are going to need counseling to save the marriage. It sounds like you are BOTH feeling insecure, and your communication with one another is poor at best.

[Moose]

Counseling is always a good idea. Although, I think there is something that I can say about all this:

 

Texasmouth, you need to regain control in your house! Put your foot down and make a scene of it too! Who does this woman think she is anyway? I'll tell you, she thinks she's the roomate that's paid more than half of the rent, what I mean by that is since she's been the backbone of the, "family", ( Her and your baby girl ), for a year on her own, she feels she hold more stock as head of household.

 

You feel it too. You feel like you owe her for that year. I say you don't! She owes YOU! Whenever you do decide to go and get therapy, I wouldn't be surprised if your councelor says the same thing.

 

I'd be surprised if you answer this post today because she'll be home and you won't get on the computer because you don't want to start another fight.

 

I'm not putting you down, I'm telling you what I read into this. I've been there. The first 12 or so years of my marriage I drank heavily. I treated my wife and family like dirt. All I cared about was putting in my eight hours and get home so I can start drinking. I had no drive, and no respect for anyone. Then I started getting into trouble and I mellowed out. I decided it wasn't worth it and for the sake of my life and family I was making a change.

 

During that change, my wife had a lot of resentment for how I used to be. And I was feeling like she didn't appreciate that I was changing for her sake. So I started resenting her. We fought everyday about stupid, petty, babyish things.

 

During my drunkeness, we were absent from each other. Maybe not in distant like you two, but still absent. Then, when I came back, she felt she was in control, and rightly so. Only recently, things have been slowly sliding back to where I'm in more control of things.

 

It was a long tough road, and it took effort on both parts. Sometimes more on one part than the other. But it never fell below 100% on either side.

 

Counceling could help, but I would find out, beyond a shadow of a doubt if she's still willing to spend the rest of her life with you. It's obvious you do with her.

 

Set her down, preferably will your daughter is either asleep, or entertained for a while. I have a post somewhere on this forum about how to have a heart to heart with your partner without fighting. I'll find it and give you the link.

 

The bottom line is, you are to be the head of household, and she is to be your helpmate. There isn't just texamouth, and Ms. texasmouth, there's the, "Texasmouth(s)"........and there isn't an, "I", in Texasmouths.

[Ladyjane14]

Originally posted by Moose ....

 

The bottom line is, you are to be the head of household, and she is to be your helpmate.

 

Sorry Moose, that works for you and Mrs Moose. I think it's a great thing that it does. But you have to admit that the concept is a RELIGIOUS one, the belief that a wife should be submissive to her husband. The reality in today's world is that most women are going to be in disagreement with it. Most women today want partnership and equality. Personally, I myself would NEVER settle for less.

 

I think if Texasmouth were to follow this advice, Mrs. Texasmouth would kick his behind to the curb like a tin can just now. She's been carrying the burden of her family independently for the past year of his deployment. And it's good that she can do that, since a military man doesn't know when he'll be deployed again.

 

I do find your personal story to be very compelling and inspirational. I think it illustrates for so many how taking personal responsibility for your actions and how they impact the family dynamic is valuable to everyone.

 

[moimeme]

I completely disagree with Moose. If you're into that antique view of how marriage should work, fine, but I doubt she is and trying to become the 'head of the house' and relegating her to 'helpmeet' will put the last nails into the coffin of your marriage.

 

My wife thinks that I still have feelings for her and I don't. I can't make it any clearer to her,

 

You were a ladies' man. You were away for a long time. Your marriage is headed down the drain. Now is NOT the time to be reconnnecting with old female friends. Your wife is in a bad way already and so anything that looks like it might be dangerous to the already-shaky marriage is a bad idea.

 

and here is the kicker, she isn't some supermodel 19 year old, she is 27 with three kids and married to one of my closest friends from back home! That is as far away froma threat as someone could be!

 

Not at all. There are thousands of people who right now are having affairs with their friends' wives who aren't as good-looking as their own wives. It is a myth that a person is no threat.

 

Why is she so important to you? Why do you HAVE to email her? Why is she always first in your life? First in my life? I haven't spoken to her in three weeks and even then it was the first time in months.... how was I putting her first. Needless to say, my wife stormed out and went out to a club with a friend tonight after she slapped me in the back of the head.

 

Neither of you should resort to violence. This is never OK.

 

Read <URL removed> Try to get your wife to read it, too. If she isn't willing to work on the relationship, then you may have to consider divorce but stay away from other women until you've worked your issues out.

[Moose]

Lady and Moi,

 

I figured there would be responses just like yours and that's fine.

 

What you don't realize is that my wife has the freedom to do and go as she pleases. I don't boss her around and treat her like a slave. You just assume that's what I'm talking about. It's not.

 

I respect and am supportive of all she persues. I'm just as much as a helpmate to her as she is to me. When it comes done to the major decsions such as finances, discipline, the way the house is ran as a whole, I make those decisions and lay down the ground rules, she helps to enforce them. It's my job to stay consistant and be sure that noone waivers.

 

If either one of us wants to get on the computer, go out with our friends, spend time away from each other even to get away from the chaos, so be it. We are partners. Life long partners. When there are two or more, someone has to be the leader, and someone has to be the follower.

 

Call it a religious theme or what ever you want. The husband should be the head of houshold unless he's simply not capable of doing so. From what I understand or read about this couple, he's the one bringing home the pay, he's the one who's fought for his country, and he's the one taking responsibilities for his actions and wants to make things work.

 

With that being said, he has to put his foot down and re establish the pecking order.

 

It doesn't mean to go up to her and say, "You woman, me man, you do what I say".

 

It means going up to her and saying: "We are married, we have a family, and before we can be happy, we have to figure out how we feel about each other and what we are going to do about it."

 

It means stepping up to the plate and batting for his family. It's obvious she's not going to do it. He needs to put on his mane and get to work. period.

[Ladyjane14]

Originally posted by Moose ....

With that being said, he has to put his foot down and re establish the pecking order.

 

See, that works great for you, but a man who tried that attitude with me would find his suitcase in his hand.

 

I, personally, refuse to have my existance minimized to being some man's 'helpmate'. I make my own decisions, and when they are inconsistent with my husband's decisions, we work TOGETHER until we reach an agreement. That takes compromise on both our parts, but we do it.

 

Sorry I don't buy into into the idea of submissive women. And the majority of American women don't.

[izzybelle]

ladyjane,

i'm with you. if a man ever tried to create a "pecking order'' in a relationship with me he'd have his suitcase in his hand and he'd be spending quite a while prying my foot out of his as*.

that being said, i know that couples need to find what works for them and work with it. while i admit i have't been terribly successful at marriage, any relationship, for me is a partnership. and that was part of what went wrong with my marriage. we too, had drifted, as he worked on his doctorate and he had no clue who his children were, or who i was by the time it was over.

i hope for you texasmouth, that you find something that works for you and your wife and that you can decrease the "distance" that has grown between you. i know from experience that sometimes that distance becomes too great and there are no bridges that can be built that don't get torn down by the arguing. i do hope that it's not too late for you and your family.

[Texasmouth]

Originally posted by moimeme

I completely disagree with Moose. If you're into that antique view of how marriage should work, fine, but I doubt she is and trying to become the 'head of the house' and relegating her to 'helpmeet' will put the last nails into the coffin of your marriage.

 

My wife thinks that I still have feelings for her and I don't. I can't make it any clearer to her,

 

You were a ladies' man. You were away for a long time. Your marriage is headed down the drain. Now is NOT the time to be reconnnecting with old female friends. Your wife is in a bad way already and so anything that looks like it might be dangerous to the already-shaky marriage is a bad idea.

 

and here is the kicker, she isn't some supermodel 19 year old, she is 27 with three kids and married to one of my closest friends from back home! That is as far away froma threat as someone could be!

 

Not at all. There are thousands of people who right now are having affairs with their friends' wives who aren't as good-looking as their own wives. It is a myth that a person is no threat.

 

Why is she so important to you? Why do you HAVE to email her? Why is she always first in your life? First in my life? I haven't spoken to her in three weeks and even then it was the first time in months.... how was I putting her first. Needless to say, my wife stormed out and went out to a club with a friend tonight after she slapped me in the back of the head.

 

Neither of you should resort to violence. This is never OK.

 

Read <URL removed> Try to get your wife to read it, too. If she isn't willing to work on the relationship, then you may have to consider divorce but stay away from other women until you've worked your issues out.

 

I can see your points. Thanks for the advice. You are all right, if I tried to "set my wife straight" there would be problems, we are both two stubborn for that kind of talk!

[Moose]

Originally posted by Ladyjane14

See, that works great for you, but a man who tried that attitude with me would find his suitcase in his hand.

 

I, personally, refuse to have my existance minimized to being some man's 'helpmate'. I make my own decisions, and when they are inconsistent with my husband's decisions, we work TOGETHER until we reach an agreement. That takes compromise on both our parts, but we do it.

 

Sorry I don't buy into into the idea of submissive women. And the majority of American women don't.

 

Yeah, right, whatever. Apparently you didn't read what I had to say.......I don't think you're all that either. Any man who gets thrown out with his suitcase in his hand from his wife needs to get a real life. You'd never throw me out of the house I built and paid for, you'd be the first to get out.

[Matilda]

Wow, Moose, I must say I'm flabbergasted at your lack of respect for the other women's views here. Ladyjane in particular was very respectful in saying if that works for you, great. But then giving her reasons why it wouldn't work for her, and many other women. I've got to say that I don't think the husband superior role would work for me either.

 

Call it a religious theme or what ever you want. The husband should be the head of houshold unless he's simply not capable of doing so. From what I understand or read about this couple, he's the one bringing home the pay, he's the one who's fought for his country, and he's the one taking responsibilities for his actions and wants to make things work.

 

What I hear you saying here is that the man is more important, and I think that it is this perception that has everybody's hackles raised. Now, I know that your wife is important to you, that's obvious from your posts. So I guess I'm kind of confused about what you're getting at too.

 

I guess in my own home, there are some things that my husband is better at, and makes decisions about, and there are some things I'm better at, and make decisions about, and some things where we just arrive at some consensus between the 2 of us.

 

And poor Texasmouth, you just want some help with your problems, not a discussion of women's rights. I agree that it sounds like you and your wife could use some help with sorting out your marriage problems. Marriage builders is a good place to start, and then counseling might be the next step, either individually or together.

[izzybelle]

moose,

i am happy that you've found someone and a situation that works for you. fortunately, i do believe that the majority of men, and women don't feel the same way about relationships. and while you say that ..

Any man who gets thrown out with his suitcase in his hand from his wife needs to get a real life. You'd never throw me out of the house I built and paid for, you'd be the first to get out.

 

i'd argue that he probably had a "real life" but had chosen to live in a past that isn't as prevalent in today's society. and had not picked a mate very carefully. when i was in college, i know there were parents who would come on tours and very clearly asked "where can my daughter meet a rich dr.?" they were sending their daughter to an expensive, competitive institution for her Mrs. instead of a BS. Luckily, those cases were few and far between, but i do know that there are still women who believe that out there. and i'm happy that you found someone who shares your beliefs. but i see those cases become fewer and fewer, and the real life for many is that for these men and women i see flip their tassles ever year, they will find someone to be an equal partner. even if one partner stays home to raise the family, they will still be treated equaly, no one person will be head of household.

 

i do hope that texasmouth and others out there with problems find a method of communication and compromise (or not) that works for them. i do recognize that each situation is different and what works for some, won't work for all.... unless we start living in a society of "stepford wives"!!!!

[Moose]

The only reason I posted that was because I heard, "If my husband ever said that to me, he'd have a suitcase in his hand and my foot up his arse!"

 

Give me a break! You want me to respect that? BULL! I do have repect for other people's views.....alot! But when they act like their s*** don't stink, I get a little upset. We are all people and are all human. I treat my wife with the utmost respect and equality.

 

I would never say anything like she'd have a suitcase and my foot up her arse!

[izzybelle]

sorry moose, but someone saying that they need to reestablish the pecking order and regain control of the house, is hardly respectful to the other person.

[Moose]

Re-establishing the pecking order doesn't neccessarily mean that he'd be in the top position either.

 

You all automatically think I'm trying to make the man the superior over the woman.....NONSENSE! One or the other needs to lead, the other to follow. Simple.

 

For me and others in my faith, that happens to be the male. It simplifies everything when you're not fighting over who has control over what. I realize that this isn't for everyone, but when a wife is this abusive to her husband, and so controlling over him, he needs to get off his arse and fix it!!!

[Ladyjane14]

Originally posted by Moose

 

For me and others in my faith, that happens to be the male. It simplifies everything when you're not fighting over who has control over what. I realize that this isn't for everyone, but when a wife is this abusive to her husband, and so controlling over him, he needs to get off his arse and fix it!!!

 

Yeah, that worked well for the Taliban too! .....for a while.

[Moose]

You don't make any sense lady jane......none at all.

[Karina]

TEXASMOUTH how can I reach you with out haveing to post our conversations in the room. You dont have an email adress in your Profile so Im sending the message on board.

 

 

 

 

 

Karina

[Karina]

I think Moose is a very smart man.

 

 

Karina

[Texasmouth]

[email protected]

 

Moose, I understand your point. There are always more sides to a story than one, I am sure my wife might have a different position on things. I think we have really gotten away from being friends, that is our main problem, we don't respect each other and we don't feel appreciated by each other. I think we both know this and understand it, but the problem is how do we erase all the horrible things in the past and start over. That is hard for anyone. It is easy to say but it is hard to do. I want to be the person she wants me to be so that she can be the person I want her to be, it is a question of moving forward in our relationship and that is the problem we are having. I have looked into counseling, I am going to try and make us an appointment after Thanksgiving. I think a third party would be good to help with some of our issues. I like to hear advice from other married couples though, I know we aren't the first couple to go through problems and after all, we just hit the pesky 7th year.....

[Ladyjane14]

Originally posted by Matilda....I guess in my own home, there are some things that my husband is better at, and makes decisions about, and there are some things I'm better at, and make decisions about, and some things where we just arrive at some consensus between the 2 of us.

 

And poor Texasmouth, you just want some help with your problems, not a discussion of women's rights. I agree that it sounds like you and your wife could use some help with sorting out your marriage problems. Marriage builders is a good place to start, and then counseling might be the next step, either individually or together.

 

Once again, Matilda is the sweet voice of reason. I wish I had noticed her lovely post before I wrote my last flippant remark.

 

I have to apologise, Texasmouth, for allowing myself to be drawn so far off-topic. Your problem deserves to be addressed.

 

First, I have to say again, DevilDog's advice to get counseling is SO important. It's been years and years since I've had any involvement in military healthcare benefits. You might PM either DevilDog or Owl. They might have some more current information for you.

 

You expressed a desire to wait until after Thanksgiving, but in dealing with civillian medicine, I can tell you that it often takes time to set up the initial appointment due to pre-authorizations requirements with most insurers, and scheduling loads. It may be best to make the appointment ASAP.

 

It's obvious that your wife is feeling insecure. It might be best to spend some time reassuring her in the interim. You could begin this process by either staying out of contact with your female friends for a while, or inviting your wife to sit with you when you contact them. The key is that you are reassuring her that she is your #1 priority.

 

The good news is, speaking from a woman's point of view, if she didn't care something for you, she wouldn't bother herself to be jealous.

 

Do take Matilda's advice in regards to <URL removed> There are some great tools in 'Basic Concepts' section for strengthening your marriage and overcoming problems. It's well worth the time it takes to read.

 

And, I'd like to mention other thing. Rebuilding a troubled marriage is difficult. But is is sooooooooo worth it! I've been married to the same man for over 2 decades, and we've hit some rough patches along the way. But there is nothing in the world as comforting as knowing that you have a partner in all things, and who will stand with you no matter what comes.

 

You have your whole family at stake, so be patient, and take your time.

 

Good Luck!